to ask what you would do regarding wedding & baby?

[woefulweddingplans]

It's long, sorry.
It's a wedding/house/baby conundrum.

Very recently found out I'm pregnant, only about 5 weeks. We are overjoyed, it happened very quickly which we never expected as my fertility was meant to be impacted by health issues. I have one DD from a previous relationship. DP is older and we are so excited to be having a child.

DP and I planned to get married this year. We weren't actually engaged, our plan was just to elope in winter as my DD will be with her dad abroad over Christmas. However things have changed and new baby is due early December. We want to get married before this.

DP has officially proposed now - aka he's bought me a ring and we've told people. Everyone is very excited. No one knows about the pregnancy yet.

Now the issues are:-

We're saving like mad and we will be able to afford to move and buy a house in Spring 2022 - our current house is a tiny rental and it's a squash even now, we really need to move next Spring, that is non-negotiable. Once I'm on mat leave then paying nursery fees we won't be able to save and we'd be stuck here years. Basically, finances are tight due to saving so a big wedding isn't an option for us.

The biggest issue really: my parents are seperated, as are DP's. DP hasn't spoken to his dad in over 3 years, we've never met, he would invite his dad to our wedding, but not his stepmum as she apparently is not nice. He gets on well with his mum, her partner, and then he has a sister and brother, who both have partners and kids of their own. DPs parents don't get along but can tolerate each other. My DM lives with my grandma. I also have a sister I'm very close to, who currently lives abroad but is returning this summer. We're all very close. Bit different with my DF, DF remarried and has his wife and their 4 children. I get along with them but we do have our fair share of disagreements. Don't see them that often as they live 4 hours away in central London. DF and DM haven't spoken since their divorce and hate each other.

Friends have already started asking 'when's the wedding' 'better get your venue sorted' - I went to two of their weddings last year so I think they are expecting to be asked. I love my friends and colleagues and would like, in an ideal world, to have everyone around me.

I want to get married before I'm hugely pregnant, so before September/October time really.

Then there's all the Covid issues on top to consider.

The maximum we could spend on a wedding would be about £3k unless some other money miraculously appears.

What would you do? What are my options here?

In my head, I just want to elope, spend minimal money and save the rest for baby and house. I don't feel like I can deal with DPs parents and my parents arguing on the day. However if we elope, DM and grandma will be absolutely devastated and have voiced this! I think I'd regret not having my grandma there as we're really close. My friends will be gutted. DPs family will be gutted.

I'm so torn and stressed about it. I'm constantly being badgered by my family with what we're doing for our wedding and I have no idea.

Please help!

YABU - stop stressing just elope and do what you want
YANBU - your family & friends should be there

I’d get legally married in a registry office then have someone “ marry you” which is actually a blessing after you’ve had the baby and to be honest maybe a couple of years ago.

Ps - I didn't invite my father as we didn't have a relationship at the time. My husband invited his difficult mother and he regretted it. A wedding isn't a day to pretend your family is perfect for a few hours... It's a snapshot in time. Don't stress about having people there that are not close to you. X

Elope, have a party when you move to your new home

Congratulations on the pregnancy OP. Hope you have a lovely tiny wedding at the registry. Seems the best option!

First- congratulations on your pregnancy and engagement! You intended to elope anyway so think a tiny registry office with you, DP and DD fine. Would it be possible to livestream this? You have quite a lot of Immediate family so probably easier/ fairer not to have any family witnesses but ask registry office staff. Optional party later once you have had baby and moved house. These are all major life events and therefore stressful so you really don’t need any additional drama! Good luck whatever you decide

A registry office wedding, invite your daughter, mother, grandmother, and your DP.’S mother. These are your most important people and you would cause a lot of hurt if you left them out.

People understand a wedding during Covid is difficult and you don’t owe friends an invite.

Congratulations on the pregnancy. My partner and I are having a Civil Partnership in May (I'm due two days after). Just two friends as witnesses and us. We're planning on doing something later in the year. Just blame Covid and enjoy your private ceremony.

Hello @woefulweddingplans

I echo most of the voices on here. Book a registry wedding as soon as possible and have the smallest amount of people as you can. Ask those people round to "lunch" - so the news about you getting married doesn't leak out before you are ready - and take them to the registry office instead. Have lunch afterwards either at a restaurant which has the proper Covid-safe facilities (eg good outdoor space) or at your home. If eating at your home, keep it simple.

Once it's a fait accompli I think you'll be happier and more able to manage people's disappointment, as well as not having to police warring relatives on what is supposed to be a great day.

Also, better to ask "forgiveness" (even if you don't really mean it!) than ask "permission" by going ahead with something you don't want, to the detriment of your own needs and financial well-being.. 🌹

Register office, just the two of you, DD and your witnesses. Keep schtum about it.

I’d do the registry office and plan to have an anniversary party someday when Covid is no longer a concern.

Alternatively, you could do just parents and grandparents and just do a ceremony and dinner. Even that is tricky with Covid though.

Ffs just elope to a registry office.

They'll get over it. Save your money.