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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

School mum flirting with my dh

380 replies

silverfish00 · 31/03/2021 22:55

Dh and I have been married 15 years, two dc both primary age.

Due to work dh does all school runs apart from the odd occasion when I will go myself.

A few months back dh started mentioning one of the mums at the school was openly making it clear she fancies him. Never had a conversation but always looking out for him, trying to catch his eye etc. Our dc are not in the same years but their classrooms are nearby so plenty opportunities to end up having a conversation.
Dh said she has only ever spoke to him once and she was talking about the weather.
I didn't really think anything of it and it all got forgotten.

Fast forward a few weeks later dh mentions it's very odd how she acts like he doesn't exist when I'm with him on the school runs.
I thought maybe it's all in dh's head and she was just being friendly and he was thinking far too much into it.

A week or so after all that I notice dh now has her as a friend on Facebook as she commented on a wildlife photograph he had taken. I asked him why and he said she sent him a request and although he only likes family and close friends on his Facebook he accepted her so as not to seem rude.
Dh was mainly concerned with as to how she knew his full name, in the end we guessed she had seen him on the school Facebook page and just added him.
Anyway, I ignored all of this and again put it to the back of my mind.

After all was forgotten and it hadn't been mentioned again for a couple of weeks I decided to join dh on the school run.
I sat in the back of the car with youngest dc and our other dc in the front with dh.
We were parked up on the side of the road outside the school when the mum drives towards us. She didn't see me in the back as the windows are tinted, she only say oldest dc and dh in the front. She slows right down and pulls up alongside, rolls her window down and shouts "hello you" with a big smile. Car behind her started papping their horn as she's blocking all the traffic which made her move on. That is the first time I ever saw her acknowledge dh, she went out of her way when he wasn't even looking in her direction, yet when he's with me she refuses to look anywhere near him let alone say hello Confused

This made me realise it's not all in dh's head at all and call me paranoid/childish but the next time we went to the school I stayed in the car which you can see the playground clearly from.
I watched dh walk onto the playground, she immediately spots him and can't take her eyes off him, she kept looking over, smiling then talking to one of the other school mums who she's very close with and giggling like a teenager. She was very openly flirting with him.

All of this rather annoyed me but I kept my cool and ignored it ever happened. Dh deleted her off Facebook saying she probably wouldn't notice and he could tell I wasn't very happy about it all.

All went quiet again but it started playing on my mind after seeing what she was doing. I haven't been with him on the school run for a week or so now and she hasn't been mentioned until tonight when dh comes and shows me she's sent him another friend request on Facebook after she must have realised he deleted her. He declines it in front of me but told me she's continued giggling and openly flirting with him at the school.

I don't know how to handle this and it's making me feel like complete shit Sad Do I do something about it? What would you do in my situation? Or would you just leave it alone?

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 01/04/2021 09:08

@Tashface

You need to mark your territory. Piss on him Grin
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
ClarkeGriffin · 01/04/2021 09:09

Loving the silly replies, especially the dry hump him on or the peeing on his shoes one. That reminded me of crazy eyes from oitnb. Grin

But seriously, there probably is nothing there, but I think he enjoyed the attention a bit too much, that's why he added her in fb. He was maybe a bit naive there and didn't think she'd get worse. She then did and he regretted it so removed her. Or maybe he removed her because you wanted him to, who knows.

I'd make fun of her a bit if he mentions it again and keep an eye on him. Otherwise just drop the subject and you both go back to ignoring her.

I'm lucky with this, I know my partner wouldn't even notice another woman looking at him. Women have flirted with him a bit in front of me and he's not noticed. He's just not good at picking up on people's emotions when he doesn't know them.

ShirleyPhallus · 01/04/2021 09:10

@berrygirlie

Since we're all having a competition about who can suggest the most deranged solution, I suggest you organise a brunch gangbang in the middle of the playground with all the parents except her - then for a bit of added spice, run her over with your car on the way back home. Smile
This really made me lol Grin
FTEngineerM · 01/04/2021 09:10

it’s just normal friendly behaviour

Well it’s not though, is it, because she’d do it regardless of if the wife is there or not in that case.

Some wild suggestions here, we’d probably have a little laugh about it and I’d probably refer to her as his GF with a cheeky smile if she ever came up in conversation again.

I can see why you’d be worried at losing him but surely the main issue is with him not her in that case.

Ikora · 01/04/2021 09:10

DH occasionally dropped DS off at primary school, he was actually quite scared of the other Mums as he was the only man and they all stared a bit. Just out of curiosity, he isn’t George Clooney.

Your DH told you I think he may have quite liked it but her ramping it up a little has scared him. I read somewhere FB is cited in many divorce cases. It seems innocent but it’s sharing your life with others. I know SIL ex BF from University contacted her through FB. She was pleased then he started telling her how his wife and him were in a rough patch. I had been immediately suspicious but I’m an old cynic.

Hamhockandmash · 01/04/2021 09:10

Hey OP - I hope you’re okay? Some of the replies on here are really mean and unfair to you. I totally get that it can make you feel uncomfortable. It’s really disrespectful towards you, your DH and your marriage and someone trying to muscle into your marriage is. Kind to make anyone feel funny.

I wouldn’t do anything at all. I don’t think DH is telling you to rub it in or be suspicious (if he didn’t tell you people would be claiming that was suspicious too, you can’t always win on MN), I think he is discussing a situation that is happening to him With you, his wife. My DH would do the same. I would just keep doing what you’re doing - which is nothing. Your DH isn’t reciprocating, hopefully she will get the picture. BUT he does need to be a bit clearer I think. Smile and say hi, but cut any further conversations with her dead. She will give up when she realises he isn’t interested. Maybe he should send her a message on Facebook saying ‘hello, sorry I keep my Fb for friends and family only’ making it obvious that she doesn’t and won’t fit into that category?

Viviennemary · 01/04/2021 09:13

I'd get a child minder to do the pick ups for the foreseeable future. And tell him to defriend her on Facebook. If he doesn't then you've got problems. Or find somebody to flirt with yourself and see how he likes it.

BlackCatShadow · 01/04/2021 09:19

Isn't "Hello, you" how the last series of You finished. Just saying...

Maybe time to check her basement.

Has anyone said to email the Head yet or log it with the police? I need to fill my BINGO card.

Bluntness100 · 01/04/2021 09:20

@Viviennemary

I'd get a child minder to do the pick ups for the foreseeable future. And tell him to defriend her on Facebook. If he doesn't then you've got problems. Or find somebody to flirt with yourself and see how he likes it.
How much would you habe to not trust your partner that you’d have to pay someone to do the school runs,
SunnySideDownBriefly · 01/04/2021 09:21

@Alsohuman - 'Hello You' is completely overfamiliar and cringeworthy! It definitely implies an intimacy and can be said in a very flirtatious manner. Can you imagine someone purring this at your partner when they usually ignore them?

BreatheAndFocus · 01/04/2021 09:23

I understand why you’re upset, OP, and I think it’s natural that you are. Is this woman just one of those effusive ones that are quite melodramatic and demonstrative? I’m thinking about the ‘stopping in her car’ thing and over-gesticulating stuff?

My first DH had an admirer (who is wasn’t at all interested in) but he didn’t seem to get how pushy she was and thought him being not interested would be enough. She took his rather passive response as an invitation to continue her flirting. So, if that’s the case in your situation, perhaps your DH should make a point of being obviously uninterested eg if she enthusiastically calls out to him and waves at him, he could say Hi in a flat voice but immediately turn away from her and chat to someone else or look at his phone.

Don’t speak to her or be friendly. It’s up to your DH to show his disinterest more clearly. He can do that quite simply without being rude.

Parkmama · 01/04/2021 09:25

If possible, I would try and do more school runs myself. I would also make a point of saying hello and being really friendly towards her in an exaggerated over the top way. Which is a passive aggressive approach to let her know you're onto her but you're not about to make a tit of yourself about it all.

Alsohuman · 01/04/2021 09:26

[quote SunnySideDownBriefly]@Alsohuman - 'Hello You' is completely overfamiliar and cringeworthy! It definitely implies an intimacy and can be said in a very flirtatious manner. Can you imagine someone purring this at your partner when they usually ignore them?[/quote]
But she didn’t “purr” it, did she? According to OP she grinned when she said it. Frankly if this is the level of paranoia some of you have about your marriages I feel sorry for you.

RLJ1905 · 01/04/2021 09:27

I've been / am in your situation, op. I won't get into all the details but let's just say this work colleague who he barely knows sent him a voice message on WhatsApp singing happy birthday to him🤣

Bottom line here... Your DH is responding appropriately and I would really try to just trust him. She sounds incredibly desperate and it's something to pity, not to be worried about!

Branleuse · 01/04/2021 09:28

This would probably make me feel all territorial, but obviously we are not allowed to go round lamping other schoolmums, or peeing on our husbands to mark territory anymore.

You cant stop how she acts, but id tell dh that obviously we are both going to have the odd person in our lives that fancies a go, but youre just going to make clear now that you would not give any second chances if he fucked up, and can he stop trying to make you jealous

Blindstupid · 01/04/2021 09:28

I don’t think the dh is being totally honest .... he’s telling OP bits he wants her to know. Why on earth did he ever accept the first fb friend request? BIG mistake.

I think he’s secretly flattered by her attention.... and it will escalate.

greeneyedlulu · 01/04/2021 09:30

Back up here!! Your DH is being honest and not engaging with this woman so as annoying as it is, I don't think you have anything to worry about. You're making this more than it is!

Sandgrown1970 · 01/04/2021 09:30

It’s “Hello You” combined with stopping the traffic that makes the woman sound like an absolute nutter. Would be just what she deserves if she was reading this on MN, hopefully she’d be very red faced silly woman.

WHAT IS A BEG?! No one has answered!

A wagon is an Irish saying, “the woman is a complete wagon!”

Chickenkatsu · 01/04/2021 09:31

What, you mean crocs aren't sexy?

notanothersaveusername · 01/04/2021 09:32

I suppose if you wanted to demonstrate she is wasting her time, take the kids to school, and as you are both leaving stage an affectionate and obviously loving hug. Just show her you are a loving couple and he is not someone who will be tempted to have an affair. She might get the message

BlackCatShadow · 01/04/2021 09:34

I’m guessing a beg is someone who is begging for it. 🤷‍♀️

Saltybricks · 01/04/2021 09:36

I've namechanged to post this. In support of the he enjoyed it but is now backtracking.

I did the same. I'm happily married and love my partner very much. I'm a bit flirty by nature though and indulged in a bit of very light cheeky banter with someone who had to come to the house occasionally for their work. It was reciprocated VERY strongly Shock i mean like an express train! I immediately felt sick and awful and guilty. I had a parting down the back of my head with the speed i backed off! I felt such a twat.

I felt i had to say something to DP in case it blew up somehow. We live in a small community and i felt so panicy about it. DP was cross like OP. I still feel shitty and it's months ago. DP is not happy obvs, but we joke about it now.

The person still comes to the house occasionally and i am very careful not to say anything remotely interesting!

So - after all this ramble - I feel that OP's DH has been sparing with the truth. However - i don't think it actually went further than him just enjoying the flirting a bit. Now he's trying to extract himself.

LunaNorth · 01/04/2021 09:38

I’m loving seeing some old-school names on this thread.

What with that, and the wit, it’s like 2009 never went away.

OP - just get on with your life.

bennibooboo · 01/04/2021 09:41

Wow by the reactions on here a lot of you on here sound like you are about 13 Hmm

relaxingforme · 01/04/2021 09:42

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