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AIBU?

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Original poster

School mum flirting with my dh

380 replies

silverfish00 · 31/03/2021 22:55

Dh and I have been married 15 years, two dc both primary age.

Due to work dh does all school runs apart from the odd occasion when I will go myself.

A few months back dh started mentioning one of the mums at the school was openly making it clear she fancies him. Never had a conversation but always looking out for him, trying to catch his eye etc. Our dc are not in the same years but their classrooms are nearby so plenty opportunities to end up having a conversation.
Dh said she has only ever spoke to him once and she was talking about the weather.
I didn't really think anything of it and it all got forgotten.

Fast forward a few weeks later dh mentions it's very odd how she acts like he doesn't exist when I'm with him on the school runs.
I thought maybe it's all in dh's head and she was just being friendly and he was thinking far too much into it.

A week or so after all that I notice dh now has her as a friend on Facebook as she commented on a wildlife photograph he had taken. I asked him why and he said she sent him a request and although he only likes family and close friends on his Facebook he accepted her so as not to seem rude.
Dh was mainly concerned with as to how she knew his full name, in the end we guessed she had seen him on the school Facebook page and just added him.
Anyway, I ignored all of this and again put it to the back of my mind.

After all was forgotten and it hadn't been mentioned again for a couple of weeks I decided to join dh on the school run.
I sat in the back of the car with youngest dc and our other dc in the front with dh.
We were parked up on the side of the road outside the school when the mum drives towards us. She didn't see me in the back as the windows are tinted, she only say oldest dc and dh in the front. She slows right down and pulls up alongside, rolls her window down and shouts "hello you" with a big smile. Car behind her started papping their horn as she's blocking all the traffic which made her move on. That is the first time I ever saw her acknowledge dh, she went out of her way when he wasn't even looking in her direction, yet when he's with me she refuses to look anywhere near him let alone say hello Confused

This made me realise it's not all in dh's head at all and call me paranoid/childish but the next time we went to the school I stayed in the car which you can see the playground clearly from.
I watched dh walk onto the playground, she immediately spots him and can't take her eyes off him, she kept looking over, smiling then talking to one of the other school mums who she's very close with and giggling like a teenager. She was very openly flirting with him.

All of this rather annoyed me but I kept my cool and ignored it ever happened. Dh deleted her off Facebook saying she probably wouldn't notice and he could tell I wasn't very happy about it all.

All went quiet again but it started playing on my mind after seeing what she was doing. I haven't been with him on the school run for a week or so now and she hasn't been mentioned until tonight when dh comes and shows me she's sent him another friend request on Facebook after she must have realised he deleted her. He declines it in front of me but told me she's continued giggling and openly flirting with him at the school.

I don't know how to handle this and it's making me feel like complete shit Sad Do I do something about it? What would you do in my situation? Or would you just leave it alone?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 01/04/2021 11:09

@Stoppissingonmyheather

Did you know her history before all this? If you did maybe you are extra wary and more suspicious than you would have been had you not known. Considering this as you don't want to claim your prey by licking his face and pissing on him. He needs to tell her she is making him feel uncomfortable with flirting and he loves his wife all very cringe but all he has to do is send message on fb saying so with a profile pic of you snogging then block her completely. His account should be private and so should yours. If that's too confrontational update his Facebook pic with said pic of you two with the caption "love this woman" or "my world" "the most beautiful woman in the world" "the only woman for me" or some such tripe then block block block failing that you run her over as suggested previously
According to MN, overly possessive FB posts are a sure sign that a couple is about to split up, someone's had an affair or both.

Anyway, what's the point of marking your territory via Facebook if you're only going to block the person you wanted to see it?

Graciebobcat · 01/04/2021 11:12

I'd tell another couple of mum friends and have a good laugh at her to her face, silly cow. No need to do the "pick me" dance.

plinkplinkfizzer · 01/04/2021 11:12

You and DH have way too much time on our hands .

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/04/2021 11:14

@BlackCatShadow

Isn't "Hello, you" how the last series of You finished. Just saying...

Maybe time to check her basement.

Has anyone said to email the Head yet or log it with the police? I need to fill my BINGO card.

Did you get "tinkly laugh" and "head tilt" earlier.

They were at the end of a ing post, so easy to miss.

Stoppissingonmyheather · 01/04/2021 11:18

@DrSbaitso fair enough running her over seems the better option

DrSbaitso · 01/04/2021 11:21

[quote Stoppissingonmyheather]@DrSbaitso fair enough running her over seems the better option[/quote]
Well at least it'll be something to do after a year of pandemic life.

VivaBahhumbug · 01/04/2021 11:23

You need to send her a subtle signal that you’ve clocked her somehow. How confident are you?

Yes. This.

Let your DH go into the drop off area alone for a couple days and watch from a discreet distance. Then go with him for a couple of days to see if she gives you both a wide berth as expected.

If it's obvious she only approaches him when you are not there, then let him go ahead alone, then suddenly appear out of nowhere and say

'Oh. Hello. This is a surprise. Is this just what you do when I'm not here then? Only you don't usually chat to us, or to me when I'm on my own.'

Stay really friendly, really bright and breezy, but fix her with a look so she knows you are onto her.

5128gap · 01/04/2021 11:30

@Graciebobcat

I'd tell another couple of mum friends and have a good laugh at her to her face, silly cow. No need to do the "pick me" dance.
Getting a team together to humiliate and undermine the competition is actually just another step in the pick me dance.
Macncheeseballs · 01/04/2021 11:32

Plinkplink, don't alot of people at the moment? Hardly a crime.

Macncheeseballs · 01/04/2021 11:35

Make friends with her, find out her m.o.

Arrowheart · 01/04/2021 11:35

Ffs OP you are way over reacting to something. Your husband obviously doesn't care about her. Don't make a fool of yourself and make a big issue of it. He is an adult. He does not need you making shows of affection as if you are pissing on your own territory. Just because it is happening in the school playground does not mean you change your behaviour to that level.

Graciebobcat · 01/04/2021 11:38

I think it's naff behaviour which isn't on that deserves calling out in that way and laughter because it is fairly pitiable- if it's overt flirting of course. Nothing to do with protecting the partner or competing for his attention.

Original poster
silverfish00 · 01/04/2021 11:46

@Geamhradh

How did you find out about her previous, *@silverfish00*?
I found out as another mum in my dc's class and I got talking some months back, she started telling me that her ex husband would do most of the school runs in the past so she didn't really know anyone apart from this mum in my post. I was surprised and said oh I'd have never guessed you two were friends as I've not seen you speak to each other before. She said they're not friends, far from it and told me the story. I of course didn't ask how far things went and she only told me the mum had added him on Facebook and her dh and her had been messaging each other behind her back.

I found this out quite a while after she had started flirting with my dh so it certainly didn't make me more paranoid.

OP posts:
blubberyboo · 01/04/2021 11:48

I’m not sure you should confront her as it will only indicate to her your marriage is wobbly with cracks and she might feed off that. Sounds like she has form for homewrecking so That probably is what her motivation is. She doesn’t really want the man just the temporary power to think she can take him.

Probably he should just block her on fb and try to avoid lengthy conversations with her.

Original poster
silverfish00 · 01/04/2021 11:48

I'm not sure why so many posters are advising me to send her a Facebook friend request?
Why would I do that when she and I have never spoken before? I'd look like an absolute loon.

OP posts:
5128gap · 01/04/2021 11:53

@Graciebobcat

I think it's naff behaviour which isn't on that deserves calling out in that way and laughter because it is fairly pitiable- if it's overt flirting of course. Nothing to do with protecting the partner or competing for his attention.
The aim of 'calling it out' and laughing at it though is to shame or humiliate the woman into withdrawing her interest. Once her interest is withdrawn you get picked as the only remaining option. It wouldn't work though. Very few people who make a play for an attached person need to be told it's not ok. They already know, and don't care. If anything any reaction from the partner is encouraging, as it shows they're considered a threat rather than of no importance with no chance.
wizzbangfizz · 01/04/2021 11:58

I just couldn't get worked up about this - at best I'd find it funny and feel sorry for the deluded woman who is clearly making a fool of herself. Everyone gets the occasional crush and it is clear your husband isn't interested. Don't give it headspace!

middleeasternpromise · 01/04/2021 11:59

@Graciebobcat

I think it's naff behaviour which isn't on that deserves calling out in that way and laughter because it is fairly pitiable- if it's overt flirting of course. Nothing to do with protecting the partner or competing for his attention.
Agree with this -

Treat it as unwanted behaviour rather than taking it into the realms of flirting/competition - your DH is discomforted by it, he has told you about it and you're first response was to think it was a misunderstanding. Your DH has found himself unsure of how to navigate it initially accepting the FB request because he didn't wish to be seen as unreasonable, now he's had to unfriend her and she's made another approach, you are clearly finding this uncomfortable too - if a neighbour or other person were behaving in a way that offended or bothered you, what would you do? People who behave like this sometimes lack appropriate boundaries and don't respond to the subtle hints and cues. Target it directly - I would reply to the FB request and say you don't tend to accept FB requests like this - you keep your social media private and linked to those you are closely connected to, sign it off from both of you so its clear to the recipient you are both in the know and this is a joint decision.

t

Parkerwhereareyou · 01/04/2021 12:06

I would tell her to fuck right off.

This is an aggressive poaching attempt on her part.

Honestly I would stage and intervention with her. Warn her RIGHT off.

Thank god your DH sounds like he has his head screwed on and is totally honest with you.

Have to say I hate women like this. There aren't many of them, but can be spotted a mile off.

Tell her to have some respect, including self-respect, and back right off. Tell her you know EXACTLY what she's been doing, and so will the other mums too if she carries on.

You have to get Colombian with her. Show her you take no prisoners. See her off (like sorry but the dog that she is ...).

Yes, speaking from experience here - I was nice ..........,,, understanding, trusting. ... Stupid. She'll chew your whole family up and spit it out if you're careful. Make her back right off.

Parkerwhereareyou · 01/04/2021 12:07

@Youaremysunshine09

Just openly tell her to fu*k off and stop flirting with you're husband. Nothing controlling about that, it's clearly 1 sided and making both you and you're husband uncomfortable
Yes this is what I meant 😀
Macncheeseballs · 01/04/2021 12:09

Get your dh to introduce you, have you met my wife, should shut her up

Excilente · 01/04/2021 12:09

loving some of the answers here.

However, sensibly, i think the only person who can do anything here is your DH.. he needs to either flatly, or subtly, make it clear he's not interested.

He either needs to directly tell her she's making him uncomfortable when he only speaks to her when you're not there, or make a point of walking away from her and giving her the social cold shoulder.

Parkerwhereareyou · 01/04/2021 12:10

Disclaimer:

I was joking about being Colombian, etc. Been watching too much Netflix.

But honestly I'd set her straight. At which point you'll see just how bad she is (because she might tell you to fuck offf ...).

Artesia · 01/04/2021 12:10

@Parkerwhereareyou

I would tell her to fuck right off.

This is an aggressive poaching attempt on her part.

Honestly I would stage and intervention with her. Warn her RIGHT off.

Thank god your DH sounds like he has his head screwed on and is totally honest with you.

Have to say I hate women like this. There aren't many of them, but can be spotted a mile off.

Tell her to have some respect, including self-respect, and back right off. Tell her you know EXACTLY what she's been doing, and so will the other mums too if she carries on.

You have to get Colombian with her. Show her you take no prisoners. See her off (like sorry but the dog that she is ...).

Yes, speaking from experience here - I was nice ..........,,, understanding, trusting. ... Stupid. She'll chew your whole family up and spit it out if you're careful. Make her back right off.

Yep- this is a perfectly rational response to a fb friend request and a "hello you" in a public place. Not even a tiny bit of an over reaction.... Hmm
5128gap · 01/04/2021 12:10

@silverfish00

I'm not sure why so many posters are advising me to send her a Facebook friend request? Why would I do that when she and I have never spoken before? I'd look like an absolute loon.
You would indeed. I also think it may make it worse. If you were her, which would be most likely to make you think you had a chance (and therefore continue the behaviour):
  1. Partner behaves in a way that clearly demonstrates she is rattled and has something to fear
Or
  1. Despite your efforts, partner and target both act like you are of no consequence whatsoever to their lives?
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