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Original poster

Why do women fancy “bad boys”

142 replies

Opal93 · 31/03/2021 17:22

I have a very good, loving husband but their is a well know bad lad in our town and I get butterflies when I see him! Would know better than to go anywhere near him though lol but he used to live opposite me as kids and even though he was a bad pig even then I fancied him like mad!! Almost ALL my friends have been through all sorts of shit after falling for a “bad boy” type, and I just ask myself WHAT on earth is the big attraction? Even when fantasising about male characters women love a bad boy a lot of the time! I just wonder what is it about them that is so attractive? Especially to younger girls, is it just cooler?

OP posts:
Doona · 31/03/2021 23:01

Because you feel sweet and competent in comparison. Whereas next to a good man you feel scruffy and flaky, and then you worry you've got nothing to offer.

NinthCircle · 31/03/2021 23:05

@Doona

Because you feel sweet and competent in comparison. Whereas next to a good man you feel scruffy and flaky, and then you worry you've got nothing to offer.
Assuming you’re not being ironic, that’s an appallingly sad statement. Essentially ‘Choose someone shit to let you feel better about yourself’.
Deadringer · 31/03/2021 23:08

I never fancied bad boys, don't see the appeal at all.

ceilingsand · 31/03/2021 23:08

The opposite? Surely "choosing someone shit" is the point of the thread.

ginandbearit · 31/03/2021 23:10

Yes but ninth the girls those guys get dont care ..they think they'll be the one to change /keep him , even if they have friends who've had kids by them as well and seen what the bad boy does ..it's almost a badge of honour, and logic doesnt come into it .
I've seen this first hand with my step daughter and her friends, all unmarried single mums with kids by the local thug...my step daughter was despondent that a dna test proved that the local bad boy who never paid a penny to any woman he got pregnant wasnt the father of her child ..and she despised the well meaning squddie who got lucky with her the same weekend and paid on the nail every month for 18 years for his daughter . She tried the odd date with a nice bloke but it never went far..on her own admission she wanted bad boys ..and she wasnt alone in that .

Doona · 31/03/2021 23:10

Essentially ‘Choose someone shit to let you feel better about yourself’.

I'm not giving out advice! Just I've noticed that sex is all about how you feel about yourself, and sexual attraction is at least partly that. For men too, obviously, if not more. Am I wrong?

Doona · 31/03/2021 23:11

Like, for example slim petite men.

toconclude · 31/03/2021 23:24

Dunno. I can't stand them and want nothing to do with them dating wise, or any other wise, thanks.

1dayatatime · 31/03/2021 23:26

As a younger teen/ young woman it's the unpredictability, the complexity, the chase and maybe the ego that he'll change his bad ways because he wants you so much / so special.

Then you grow up and realise that nobody really changes anybody, you don't need or have the time and effort for unpredictability or complexity in a busy life and that bad boys are simply an annoying pain that suck up valuable time and effort which could be better spent on friends and family that genuinely love you for what you are.

SonicStars · 31/03/2021 23:53

In real life I've gone for nice boys, but I love a fictional "bad boy" (think heath ledger in 10 things). I think it's the allure of being the only chink in his armour. He doesn't care about anything but can help but care about you. Makes you feel super special because he's not generous with his affections. And if he does seem to share his affections about, it's the idea that you're somehow so much more special than and different to the other girls. A nice guy you just happened to meet. A bad guy has changed his emotional outlook for you. What power you must have.

Then there's the superior feeling of you being the only one who knows about all the hidden depths he has that other people are too scared to see. Aren't you brave, aren't you clever, aren't you powerful.

Of course in real life the bad boys aren't falling hopelessly in love with any of the girls throwing themselves at him. They're chasing after him and I really don't know what's going through their heads. (Hence going for nice guys I guess). Maybe it's pure chemistry where they are physically attractive due to association with their fictional counterpart, maybe the girls just feel lucky that the popular guy is showing just a glimmer of interest. Maybe it goes back to a subconscious feeling of what was "cool" at school and the bad guy symbolises the in crowd, often in that position through bullying? I don't know.

LostInABlizzard · 01/04/2021 00:45

@TalbotAMan

Northernparent68

"LostInABlizzard

In the same way some men fancy rude, sullen, obnoxious women who are dismissive to them.

Do they ?"

Do you know any such women who are married/partnered? Then their men must either have fancied them or they were able to hide their true natures long enough to get to the altar, so to speak.

Do you know any such women who are married/partnered? Then their men must either have fancied them or they were able to hide their true natures long enough to get to the altar, so to speak.

Yes and they didn't need to hide their true natures as that's what the men were attracted to.

MrsBerthaRochester · 01/04/2021 00:54

For me it's definitely the element of "fixing" them. I have a lot of leftover shit from my childhood that I'm still dealing with that means I feel guilty(over everything!) Which means I'm a sucker for giving people too many chances.
Also another problem is I just don't fancy men my own age. They all seem so ...old? So I go for younger guys and they invariably end up to be fuck boys.

CounsellorTroi · 01/04/2021 00:58

I've always preferred nice men.

seensome · 01/04/2021 01:03

I don't fancy them however they seem to be drawn to me! Always what you don't want.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 01/04/2021 01:08

No, never got the whole bad boy thing. I think there is an element of wanting to fix him/tame him. Maybe a bad boy is seen as a bit of a statement.

But in reality these men are just twats, they won’t change, they are at best liars, worst than that they cheat, or are violent. I have lost hours coaching friends through dreadful relationships with bad boys when I was younger.

jessstan2 · 01/04/2021 01:29

Dicing with danger is what it is all about, especially if a girl has been decently brought up and is maybe a little sheltered. A 'bit of rough' can be quite attractive.

That's OK as long as it doesn't go too far and eventually ends.

UncleBunclesHouse · 01/04/2021 02:07

Terrible for this when younger, every variety of ‘bad’ from the player to criminal. It was exciting Grin. My DH is very nice and sensible, I do sometimes think about those times with nostalgia, conveniently forgetting all the aggro and heartache that came with it of course. One of them in particular I have never really got over, felt like the one who got away. We just ‘got’ each other and I don’t think if we came into contact again it would have changed that much. Thankfully I live far away now so no danger! I think it is definitely an excitement /evolutionary/testosterone thing, I don’t think I really wanted to reform them although I guess the ‘being chosen’ by them was a big part of it.

BadLad · 01/04/2021 02:25

Because a lot of people have very mundane lives and therefore anything that smacks of thrill, doing something different and excitement is appealing.

Also, a common belief amongst men is that once a woman friendzones a man, she's unlikely ever to take any romantic interest in him. It's not unheard of but it's uncommon. Bad boy types are less likely to do the kind of things that lead to friendzoning.

TrishM80 · 01/04/2021 02:26

I don't know why women fancy "bad boys" but it certainly keeps the relationships board ticking over when they all come on there whingeing about them!

User133847 · 01/04/2021 08:18

@SinisterBumFacedCat

No, never got the whole bad boy thing. I think there is an element of wanting to fix him/tame him. Maybe a bad boy is seen as a bit of a statement.

But in reality these men are just twats, they won’t change, they are at best liars, worst than that they cheat, or are violent. I have lost hours coaching friends through dreadful relationships with bad boys when I was younger.

A lot of DV is as a result of some bad boy thug. Who wants that in their life?
NinthCircle · 01/04/2021 08:23

@BadLad

Because a lot of people have very mundane lives and therefore anything that smacks of thrill, doing something different and excitement is appealing.

Also, a common belief amongst men is that once a woman friendzones a man, she's unlikely ever to take any romantic interest in him. It's not unheard of but it's uncommon. Bad boy types are less likely to do the kind of things that lead to friendzoning.

What kinds of things are those?
jessstan2 · 01/04/2021 09:11

@UncleBunclesHouse

Terrible for this when younger, every variety of ‘bad’ from the player to criminal. It was exciting Grin. My DH is very nice and sensible, I do sometimes think about those times with nostalgia, conveniently forgetting all the aggro and heartache that came with it of course. One of them in particular I have never really got over, felt like the one who got away. We just ‘got’ each other and I don’t think if we came into contact again it would have changed that much. Thankfully I live far away now so no danger! I think it is definitely an excitement /evolutionary/testosterone thing, I don’t think I really wanted to reform them although I guess the ‘being chosen’ by them was a big part of it.
I get that. I gravitated towards edgy men as a young person but married a surveyor and settled in suburbia :-).

Dicing with danger can be quite exciting (as long as you can see a way out and always have your fare home).

One of the most evil and dangerous blokes with whom I was ever involved - for six months only but it nearly broke me - was not a 'bad boy' but quite an upright sort of person, well respected. He was highly manipulative and cruel; I was not the only one to have suffered because of him. Just goes to show you cannot always tell what goes on under the surface.

All part of life's rich tapestry I suppose.

ClearMountain · 01/04/2021 09:18

Strength. Confidence. Dominance. All attractive to women. The nice guys tend to be more submissive and that isn’t attractive.

benorjerry · 01/04/2021 09:41

I think this works both ways, men also fancy 'dangerous' women. Maybe we all crave some relief from the boredom of regular life though we would run a mile in reality.

BadLad · 01/04/2021 09:49

What kinds of things are those?

The main one is dithering and taking far longer than necessary to let her know that he is interested in her romantically. While he's hesitating, often someone else will get in there first. He stays friends with her, even though she's now dating someone else. She now sees him as a friend for ever more. He's probably stuck in that friendzone, and even if she becomes single again, chances are that she won't be interested in him.