Why do women fancy “bad boys”

[Opal93]

I have a very good, loving husband but their is a well know bad lad in our town and I get butterflies when I see him! Would know better than to go anywhere near him though lol but he used to live opposite me as kids and even though he was a bad pig even then I fancied him like mad!! Almost ALL my friends have been through all sorts of shit after falling for a “bad boy” type, and I just ask myself WHAT on earth is the big attraction? Even when fantasising about male characters women love a bad boy a lot of the time! I just wonder what is it about them that is so attractive? Especially to younger girls, is it just cooler?

The excitement, the sex, the power!!.... two of my exes are in prison now, but thankfully I had the sense NEVER to settle down with one of them. My husband is lovely, kind and respectful. My sister and best friend settled down with bad men and their lives are shit compared to mine. They have more money though.

I can honestly say that no one single friend of mine has fallen/ married a bad boy

Ew, I’m in the nice guys camp!

They dont fancy a bad boy really, what they fancy is a man who can be bad but wont be with them.... Like they want a man who they know will fix it if someone one does something to hurt them (like a man being touchy in a bar or an ex who wont stop bothering them) and their bad boy boyfriend will fix it. A man who people are a bit scared of so wont try something with, like being an annoying neighbour or not paying them back for a job. They just want him to be a bad boy to everyone else but do what they say, a bit like having an alsation, hes lovely at home but no one is going to hurt them when hes there because hes got big teeth and she might unleash him on them.

There's something missing in your marriage if you're getting butterflies about a "bad boy" or any one other than your husband.

It's wanting to be the one who 'fixes' him, mixed with wanting to be that special person he'd then good for.

It's bollocks of course but been there myself.

So in essence Madonna Whore complex but in male form.

Z@PugInTheHouse

Damon is a prime example of the trope.

Starts off 'very bad' then goes to just a bit of a bad boy - by the end he's the nicest, most reasonable one on the series.

@DiscordandRhyme he's definitely not as exciting by the end though. But yes you're right, its the general script isn't it, 50 shades etc.

I have never got the bad boy thing, most come across arrogant pricks which is a huge turn off.

@PeskyRooks

I think it must just stem from caveman times when a rough tough 'bad' boy would be more able to fight a sabre tooth tiger if it attacked or could kill something to eat.

Yep this. The man most likely to fight off other men. Kill things. Produce strong offspring who could compete with their peers. The women that chose nice men didn't have as much provided for them, weren't safe against other men, their children got bullied. So they had less children survive on and reproduce. The women who chose men who fight were kept safer, their kids were stronger and went on to live longer and reproduce. So the trait for the attraction to those men increased in the population as it resulted in better survivability and procreation.

In my case it is because I have low self esteem. If men are nice to me, subconsciously I can’t respect them or love them back because I don’t see myself as worth being good to. I am aware of this but find it impossible to change.

I have no idea because I find 'bad boys' repugnant.

What makes me laugh is when I read a story in That's Life, Chat, or Take a Break magazine, and a woman is telling a story about the wrong 'un she got with (who took her for everything, and turned out to be a twat.)

These 'bad boys' are always the same description... Tattooed, and muscular, with 'a sexy shaved head.' 😂 Always a 'sexy shaved head!' Not sure what's sexy about a shaved head, but each to their own!.

For me, it's because my childhood was emotionally abusive. I felt there was a secret hole of pain inside me. When I met messed-up people, like alcoholics, I could sense that hidden pain in them too. I felt a desperate empathy and desire to love and heal them. I wished that someone would do that for me, but felt I didn't deserve it; so at least being part of that process, on the other side, was deeply attractive to me.

I also felt that I didn't deserve to be loved, that no-one would love me, so there was no point pursuing a 'healthy' person. But a messed up person might be bonded to me by need and gratitude.

I was used to dysfunction in a relationship, having grown up with it. I was used to having to comfort my own mother when she was being crazy - I learnt that the way to be loved is to save other people.

All the above was fairly subconscious - it took ages to see the pattern.

It felt like an extremely irresistible chemistry with those people.

I think it's an interesting question. I think it's for several reasons:

1. Ego. You're the only one they listen to.
2. A challenge because they are indifferent and don't care and it's a challenge to make them care.
3. You have a few of commitment but don't realise it.

I think people like them because of immaturity. I used to like the challenge as a teenager, or when I was in my early 20s but realised that it was a fear of intimacy and immaturity on my part. I got my fingers burnt as well.

@Mummadeze

In my case it is because I have low self esteem. If men are nice to me, subconsciously I can’t respect them or love them back because I don’t see myself as worth being good to. I am aware of this but find it impossible to change.

Oh I used to do this too. "If they like me there must be something wrong with them"

I've managed to change, very gradually. Did lots of things, but particularly mindfulness meditation (non-judgmentally accepting all my thoughts and emotions) and inner child work (imagined conversations with my younger self where I treat them like a good parent would).

Never been one for “bad boys”.

Met my husband in school. He was smart, kind, quiet, great sense of humour and respectful. And he hasn’t changed.

@Mummadeze

In my case it is because I have low self esteem. If men are nice to me, subconsciously I can’t respect them or love them back because I don’t see myself as worth being good to. I am aware of this but find it impossible to change.

I agree with this as well. It is low self esteem.

There’s some really dodgy cod-evolutionary biology being trotted out on the thread.

Dodgy Dave with the badly-spelled neck tattoos who gets into fights outside the kebab shop after closing is neither going to rescue you from a sabre-toothed tiger or hang around long enough to even lay eyes on his offspring, far less care whether they’re being bullied by the other cave children.

In the same way some men fancy rude, sullen, obnoxious women who are dismissive to them

Quite...

The whole concept of 'bad boys' makes me cringe tbh...walking STD factories...

(shudders) 🤢

There’s some really dodgy cod-evolutionary biology being trotted out on the thread

Isn't there always ninth boys will be boys and all that shite😂😂

So in essence Madonna Whore complex but in male form

Bang on the money there discord

I think often as they appear very confident, often the alpha male and very masculine and that makes us feel feminine

And the challenge to change them

I heard a quote years ago men marry not wanting their wife to change women marry hoping their husband will change

I know a number of people of this situation

I’ve never fancied someone like that. I’m too practical. Someone nice, kind, thoughtful, intelligent, caring, etc. Has always attracted me.

Northernparent68

"LostInABlizzard

In the same way some men fancy rude, sullen, obnoxious women who are dismissive to them.

Do they ?"

Do you know any such women who are married/partnered? Then their men must either have fancied them or they were able to hide their true natures long enough to get to the altar, so to speak.