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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wanting the house back to myself

284 replies

Estherpologist · 30/03/2021 22:35

I get that lockdown has meant so many people have had to work from home, and the kids couldn't go to school, but having been the one who gave up their career to be the full time parent, and being the one who hasn't had the luxury of being able to leave the office at the end of the day and go home from their workplace, because home has been my workplace for 12yrs, am I being unreasonable for wanting the house back to myself during the day? Now that the kids are back at school (holidays notwithstanding) am I being unreasonable to be just a bit at the announcement "I'm probably going to work from home from now on"?

OP posts:
randomsabreuse · 01/04/2021 18:57

@thevicarstroketwice

it's funny how the working partner is good enough to pay the bills, but not good enough to spend time in their own home.
Generally the SAHP enables the WOHP to do their job without interruption. Especially this year when the SAHP has done all the home learning but last academic year in the 2 terms that happened with older DC in reception and younger 2 days a week at a childminder I had 2 weeks where both attended all scheduled sessions thanks to illness, mostly but not exclusively vomiting bug related. So would very much have struggled holding down 2 jobs as a family!
thevicarstroketwice · 01/04/2021 19:22

@BluebellsGreenbells

thevicarstroketwice

I didn’t get married in the basis we would spend every waking moment together without anyone else ever!

What rubbish

again...

no one is expecting you to spend every waking moment together... where did you say anyone say that exactly?

We are saying if you want alone time, it's on you to make it happen and go. Not to send your working partner back to the office Hmm

Same with sleeping: unless you are pregnant, if you want to sleep alone in a bed, you don't get to tell your partner to sleep somewhere else. You take your pillow and you go in another bed (if that helps you understand the concept...)

thevicarstroketwice · 01/04/2021 19:24

As above, you can picture how a thread from a MANZ would go...

"I am a full-time working father, my wife works a few hours from home. I can't wait for her to get out of the house when I come home so I can have the house all to myself. I NEED my alone time, I don't want her at home all the time when I am back from work".

How many posts before the words "abusive husband" pop up do you think? Grin

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/04/2021 19:27

Apart from anything else, when you and your family are together 24/hrs a day, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT!

When we were working we talked about what happened in our respective workplaces.

When we retired, we had both joint friends, and separate friendship groups - DH would go for a pint and come home and tell me about X who had bought a new caravan. I would go for coffee and come home and tell him that Y's son had joined the police force. Together we would discuss Z whose dog had chased some ducks and got bitten by a swan - that sort of earth-shattering stuff.

It may be piddling little conversations, but it's interesting (to us) and concerns the (slightly) wider world. Few things are more depressing than not being able to exchange a bit of harmless, idle chit-chat.

thevicarstroketwice · 01/04/2021 19:27

randomsabreuse
I worked full time from home during all the lockdowns whilst homeschooling my kids, DH was away quite a lot for work. I wish I had employed a nanny let's be honest.

How well do you think DH hinting that he needed "alone time" in the house after work would have gone Grin

thevicarstroketwice · 01/04/2021 19:28

Apart from anything else, when you and your family are together 24/hrs a day, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT!

talk for yourself, we have plenty.
Things still happen with work, with news, with kids. We are hardly cut off the real world.

Worstyear2020 · 01/04/2021 19:28

It's good to know my husband and kids prefer me to wfh. It will be so upsetting for me if they see me as an intruder!

I work in the bedroom and husband have his own little office at home so it's not too bad.

Interruptions during online meetings becomes the norm now, no one cares although I hate it when my dog lick loudly!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/04/2021 19:31

@thevicarstroketwice

Apart from anything else, when you and your family are together 24/hrs a day, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT!

talk for yourself, we have plenty.
Things still happen with work, with news, with kids. We are hardly cut off the real world.

I am talking for myself.

We are retired so there is nothing happening with work. Similarly our kids aren't at work ATM. The news is a) depressing and b) we are sick of the bliddy telly.

I do feel cut off from the rest world - but cut off with someone that I love, but whose little foibles are starting to drive me bananas - as I am sure mine are him.

Flowers24 · 01/04/2021 19:39

There's nothing nicer than the whole house to yourself, for hours .............

steppemum · 01/04/2021 19:41

@thevicarstroketwice

steppemum The spectacular misunderstanding on here is classic.

Oh the irony...

All the OP wants in some alone time.
she can. She just doesn't get to expect to have that alone time in a shared house.

We have never been in such a strict lockdown and forbidden to leave the house more than 1 hour a week. Hmm

The rest of us manage to find time alone, with kids and both partners working full time, funny that.

You might have that entitled feeling a "stay at home" partner is entitled to time alone in the house. You are unreasonable. And cringey.

Stop putting owrds into my mouth! I did not say that the stay at home partner is entitled to time alone.

The fact that I said they are BOTH entitled to time in the house passed you by?
And the fact that I work (from home) I'm not a SAHP and I think it is fine to want some time IN THE HOUSE.

I don't need more time out bloody walking, do plenty of that thank you.

Some of us need space to think, head space, in our own home.
As I said , in normal times we BOTH get space in the house alone.
Now, really not.

It has effected my work massively as I find it harder to focus when the house is full of other people.

When I lived in a shared student house, or when my friend and I rented a flat together as new teachers, we both relished time in the house alone, on evenings when the others were out.
Is has nothing to do with entitled SAHP.
How hard is it to understand that people like a bit of time alone?

How am I remotely unreasonable for wanting some time in my house alone, as long as I am prepared to do the same for any other adult in the house Confused

katienana · 01/04/2021 19:48

I'm a SAHM and for the last year this has done my nut in.
I'm an introvert and I need to be alone. When I used to work I had my commute and lunchtimes to be alone. Over the last year I've been followed from room to room, by every member of the family.
When dh is wfh and kids are at school he walks into the room where I am and launches into Reading something off twitter no matter what I'm doing. I would never disturb him like this. He is the type of person who needs to be round people all day. I don't think he will wfh if he doesn't have to.
For those that don't get it, the being alone and the freedom is the perk of being a SAHM. Without the perk its a bit shit, you've just sacrificed earning money and progressing career to be watched doing the housework!

Shell4429 · 01/04/2021 19:52

I think it sounds selfish. It’s not just your home. If he’s working you won’t be in the same room. If you want a house to yourself you could always move out.

MummyMayo1988 · 01/04/2021 20:00

Definitely not BU - I feel VERY much the same.
DS's 6 and 11 were off school and I was contending with a 2yr old too.
DH has his "office" set up at the end of our bed. It is driving me nuts! I can't count how many times I have stubbed toes on it when getting our of bed in the morning. One time I thought for sure I had broken my little toe. It was in agony for over a month.
He announced a while ago that he plans to WFH at least 2 days a week when the office eventually opens again. It will be in my bedroom forever. There is nowhere else for him to set up. I will never be rid of the disruption.
I just want to lay on my bed for an hour every now and again while DS naps and read a book or simply watch a bit of telly.

Fudgemonkeys · 01/04/2021 20:14

You are feeling what a lot of people feel when their partner retires but of course they are not retiring so won't be going out the houses using the day to meet up with friends or do hobbies. Feel your pain.

nokidshere · 01/04/2021 20:25

Oh givover and stop being so bloody serious @thevicarstroketwice

DH also wants time alone in the house. He has time alone outside because he loves being outdoors but he is just as happy as me when he is alone in the house. There's such a nice feeling of being on your own in the comfort of your own home for a couple of hours.

It's got nothing to do at all with the other people you live with and all to do with a bit of self indulgence.

Scubadivinginabox · 01/04/2021 20:35

OMG, yes. I used to freelance from home 2 days a week. I had my study, desk, chair, lamp, space. I lost both jobs (thanks Covid) and now I have to ask to 'borrow' the study when I need it from my husband who is WFH, otherwise I'm relegated to the kitchen table. I find it infuriating. Not only that but I don't want to be in the same building as him 24-7. I need mental space. Most annoying is it when he comes into the kitchen to make a cup of tea and stands there chatting. Do I come into your 'office', rattle around and then feel free to stand around chatting? I do not.

thebillyotea · 01/04/2021 20:55

This thread is the most anti-SAH parent thread I have read in a long time.

All the cliches about SAH mothers being lazy, being entitled, using their partner for their money while making unreasonable requests and being full of expectations.

You might as well divorce, and enjoy the alimony AND the house just for yourself. The ex. can move out and live off baked beans Grin

EsmeShelby · 01/04/2021 21:13

DH has been in the office 3 days this week. It is bliss. He is so noisy and distracting.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 01/04/2021 21:20

It's only fair to WFH full time (in non Covid times obviously) if there's room to do it without taking over the entire house and massively inconveniencing your partner.
There is a reason why offices exist!

NotACompleterFinis · 01/04/2021 21:50

Totally with you on this. I used to enjoy DH working from home once a week but everyday is too much. Stifling is a good word!

fedupgobacktotheoffice · 01/04/2021 22:21

I want my husband to go back to the office, I shouted (because asking nicely for 25 times hadn't worked!) at my teen, and husband told me to keep it down as he was on a call. I haven't hoovered the stairs for weeks. I can't use the computer. I can't get anything out of the office. He leaves cups in the office, can't possibly stop and empty/load dishwasher (which there is much more of!) even when he's making his lunch. He can finish early when it suits him, but not help with tea or anything else. He's saying he's not going back to the office after this. He can't understand why I want the house to myself when he's at work and kids at school like I have got the last 10 years. Has no idea why I like being on my own because he can't be on his own. It's driving me mad. It's not helping our relationship but he can't see it. He works longer hours, so we have to be quiet longer. I hate him working from home.
Before anyone says why he should do the dishwasher etc, he creates more dirty dishes, pots etc. Also, when I worked full time from home, I managed to do all the laundry, dishwasher, and other jobs done whilst working my full time job.
It's honestly like having an extra grumpy child in the house, one we have to tip toe around!! I hate it.

thebillyotea · 01/04/2021 22:39

I want my husband to go back to the office

it's not your decision.

You are perfectly free to find a job taking you out of the house, and to request a cleaner as you are not his mother and shouldn't be expected to clean after him. And working full-time has never prevented anyone ever to deal with normal chores, as they are usually done on top of the commute.

But you can't ask an adult not to stay in their own house!

beela · 01/04/2021 22:48

I miss my says at home on my own. I was so much more productive. I can't remember the last time I had the house to myself Sad

PhilCornwall1 · 01/04/2021 22:59

I've worked from home for 13 years, with client travel thrown in, obviously not been to offices for over 12 months. My OH always worked in the office until March 2020.

She's now going to be WFH unless there is a meeting and I love it. We have a routine sorted. Boys to school and college, coffee and log on, then work starts. We can go a whole morning without saying a word to each other, as we can be in meetings, on calls, head down working. We break for lunch together and then hit the afternoon. I have a massive appreciation for what she does and her the same for me. It works well for us.

I'd miss her if she went back to an office full time and she's said she doesn't want to go back.

starlilly88 · 01/04/2021 23:15

@katienana and OP totally agree. I felt like crying when offices were shut down last March. I need alone time for my sanity, not just want it. This past year has shown me how much I really do need it and it has been one of the most miserable years of my life. I’ve had some really bad years and alone time to recharge really keeps me going. Considering anti depressants as I don’t know how much longer this can go on. Completely understand that DH wants to work from home and he likes company and chatting to me whenever he fancies a break. So I don’t say anything as I feel guilty. But at the end of the day, this is our home, a place for relaxing, not a workplace. He has an office he can go to, I don’t have anywhere I can go.
I’d be ready for it at retirement, just not now!