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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reporting your son

510 replies

Aqua55 · 30/03/2021 12:44

Looking at the rape culture in schools, and having a 7 month ds myself, i was wondering how many parents would report their school aged sons to the Police if they suspected or knew that they had committed a sexual assault.

OP posts:
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 30/03/2021 22:36

@ReginaFalange85

Have you all lost your bloody minds? You assume your sons are future offenders. Where is your faith in your sons? Do we think all girls work the streets? Nope. Get a bloody grip.
You're comparing prostitution to being a rapist?

I think YOU need to listen to your own tripe and maybe assess exactly why this subject makes you so angry

Brogues · 30/03/2021 22:37

Yay @ReginaFalange85 the very first time I’ve had call to use the MN phrase ‘are you on glue?’.

AlohaMolly · 30/03/2021 22:38

I’m one woman, 33 years old. I’ve just sat and tried to count the number of times that I’ve been assaulted or intimidated by men, and I honestly lost count. I’ve been raped, and been in an abusive relationship, but those are not the only encounters I’ve had. Easily over 20, and thats 20 separate offenders. I don’t think I’m an anomaly here, and I don’t think that all those 20 men and boys came from terrible households. We need to change the way we raise our sons.

BillywigSting · 30/03/2021 22:40

I have a son and I absolutely would.

He is only 7 atm and a good boy but if I ever caught wind that he had done something like that I would be so livid he wouldn't know what had hit him.

ReginaFalange85 · 30/03/2021 22:41

I am a mum of two sons who have been the strongest force I could ever wish to have. They support me through thick and thin. To hear males put down by women so rapidly hurts me. Maybe you don't have the same relationship. Seek it.

Ncagaintoday · 30/03/2021 22:41

Just popped back - wow a difficult day. Slightly happier knowing there hasn't been any dm's posting about similar lives to mine... A bit shocked at the support some claim they would give their ds... My ds needed help. Years of it came his way in fact and I hope he has some sort of functioning life. He has been punished. He admitted his crimes (in a fashion anyway). He has lived 10 years without his siblings and me. We have a busy very family oriented life. Very very close. Maybe if this hadn't happened we wouldn't be so close. Fate dealt us bloody strange cards. We are all trying our best to make it a decent ife.. Some days it's take your breath away hard.. But I did the best for both of my dc.. If I hadn't my ds would not have received the help he needed.
Thank you for all the hand holding today. Hadn't realised how much I needed it.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 30/03/2021 22:44

@ReginaFalange85

I am a mum of two sons who have been the strongest force I could ever wish to have. They support me through thick and thin. To hear males put down by women so rapidly hurts me. Maybe you don't have the same relationship. Seek it.
You won't do your sons a favour by assuming they will never do wrong or be affected by male socialisation. They aren't special or immune from that just because you love them.

I have a son who I order with all my heart, but we live in a patriarchy and I can only hope it's a case of damage limitation WRT toxic male socialisation

ReginaFalange85 · 30/03/2021 22:47

Definitely get social on speed dial. FFS.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 30/03/2021 22:50

@ReginaFalange85

Definitely get social on speed dial. FFS.
Because people would report their sons if they committed a sexual assault? HmmConfused

Do you KNOW what is going on in schools at the moment and the level of harassment girls face? Do you think it only comes from boys who's mum's don't love them as much as you love yours?

Babygotblueyes · 30/03/2021 22:50

It is nice to see how many people say they would but in my experience working with kids this is not what happens. If there is any doubt at all, most parents will accept what their child says and defend them until there is no further they can go with that, or will come up with all sorts of excuses for their behaviour. Since most rape and sexual assault is not that clear cut I really doubt that most parents would report.

ragged · 30/03/2021 22:53

I struggle with the dilemma as stated because It would be suspicion (rumour, guess, not proven) unless i had first hand evidence (too inconceivable).

ZiggyBaby · 30/03/2021 22:53

@ReginaFalange85

I am a mum of two sons who have been the strongest force I could ever wish to have. They support me through thick and thin. To hear males put down by women so rapidly hurts me. Maybe you don't have the same relationship. Seek it.
Jesus 🙄
ReginaFalange85 · 30/03/2021 22:53

This reply has been deleted

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waterlego · 30/03/2021 22:54

Regina Your posts sit uncomfortably alongside those written by nc who sounds like an excellent parent, and who has described the torment of having a child who committed an awful crime.

ZiggyBaby · 30/03/2021 22:55

@ReginaFalange85

I cannot talk to stupid people.
Off you pop
JustLyra · 30/03/2021 22:55

@ReginaFalange85

I am a mum of two sons who have been the strongest force I could ever wish to have. They support me through thick and thin. To hear males put down by women so rapidly hurts me. Maybe you don't have the same relationship. Seek it.
It’s always very interesting when the mothers (or wives) of apparently good men/boys would rather silence women and girls about their experiences than be angry at the other men/boys who have caused women and girls to have the opinions they do.

It says such a lot.

Cloudyrainsham · 30/03/2021 22:57

@RubyFakeLips

It would depend on the circumstances and I think that would be the same for many people.

I’m sure you’ll get a thread of hundreds saying they would but I think this is the sort of issue where there’s a silent majority who actually wouldn’t.

Agree. What constitutes sexual abuse?

It would definitely depend on the severity.

LexMitior · 30/03/2021 22:57

Yes its the excuse bit that matters - really while these things are not clear cut, it would help if there was a very clear standard of behaviour expected at school. And that parents were not expected to negotiate their way out of it, which is what happens. I understand the instinct to protect, but as a parent, if the school your children attend as a particular policy about safeguarding and sexual conduct in school, then failure to adhere by pupils to it should really mean something.

At the moment, girls are being conditioned into being quiet on this which in turn gives a certain sort of boy the message that it will not be penalised. He is right. It won't be, but objectively, it should be.

ZiggyBaby · 30/03/2021 22:57

@JustLyra

Absolutely

ReginaFalange85 · 30/03/2021 23:06

My boys are 7 and 8 but somehow they àre abusers. Disgraceful to read this. My boys have defended me in the most awful circumstances. You horrible people that have your 2.4 lives, check his test messages.

JustLyra · 30/03/2021 23:08

@ReginaFalange85

My boys are 7 and 8 but somehow they àre abusers. Disgraceful to read this. My boys have defended me in the most awful circumstances. You horrible people that have your 2.4 lives, check his test messages.
You’re either a troll or you have zero comprehension skills.
Babygotblueyes · 30/03/2021 23:12

@LexMitior

Yes its the excuse bit that matters - really while these things are not clear cut, it would help if there was a very clear standard of behaviour expected at school. And that parents were not expected to negotiate their way out of it, which is what happens. I understand the instinct to protect, but as a parent, if the school your children attend as a particular policy about safeguarding and sexual conduct in school, then failure to adhere by pupils to it should really mean something.

At the moment, girls are being conditioned into being quiet on this which in turn gives a certain sort of boy the message that it will not be penalised. He is right. It won't be, but objectively, it should be.

Completely - I worked with kids who, even when they told the truth about what they did, their parents were still tying themselves in knots to prove why their child was not responsible. It is a really hard thing to accept your child has done something awful. And there is so much internalized misogyny in our culture, people go to blaming the girls very quickly.
ZiggyBaby · 30/03/2021 23:15

@ReginaFalange85

My boys are 7 and 8 but somehow they àre abusers. Disgraceful to read this. My boys have defended me in the most awful circumstances. You horrible people that have your 2.4 lives, check his test messages.
Troll, surely.
Mittens030869 · 30/03/2021 23:15

@ReginaFalange85

Weren’t you going to leave the thread, as you couldn’t discuss this with ‘stupid people’?

Posters on here have just put a lot of thought into this question. Some of us have been victims of rape/sexual abuse, so we’re also seeing this from the point of view of the victim and considering how we would feel about a mother who had known that her DS was a danger to women/children and did nothing. And yes, that would be hard to deal with (though I would get it, as a mum myself).

But it’s entirely hypothetical. No one is assuming that their DS is going to grow up to be a sex offender, they’re saying what they would do not what they will do.

Libraryghost · 30/03/2021 23:18

You can’t possibly know. Yes the right thing would be to report them but its easy to say and hard to do.

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