Reporting your son

[Aqua55]

Looking at the rape culture in schools, and having a 7 month ds myself, i was wondering how many parents would report their school aged sons to the Police if they suspected or knew that they had committed a sexual assault.

Just because I wouldn’t report doesn’t mean I wouldn’t care.

@LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour my ex tried to rape me. He told his mother the next day.

Her response was that she felt sorry for me but he was going through a lot of difficulties and so I should forgive him and continue the relationship.

His sister told me that her partner had tried to do the same to her and she'd forgiven him because she loved him. She's gone on to have two children with him.

The whole family knows. They're rape apologists. It's never the man's fault.

I would. Not anywhere near as serious but I reported my dd to her school when she was involved in bullying a girl online.........im a bit of an arse hole as a parent tho and have always gone down the play stupid games win stupid prizes route.

I really we'd also drum into girls the dangers of making up tall tales too..... There was a ranting dad on Facebook recently. His dd had come home claiming a man had tried attacking her and her friend. And they'd had to barricade themselves into a shop storeroom...... Unfortunately for them the shop has more CCTV than Fort knox. Absolutely nothing had happened. I honestly think they didn't want to walk home and that was the excuse they gave for getting a taxi from the shop.

Police didn't do a thing and as the bloke they'd accused was an Asian male no fucker really cared. I was absolutely appalled.

@NEVERQUIT3331 Of course none of us can guarantee we know what we’d do unless we were really in that situation. It’s hypothetical so we can only say what we hope or think we would do. (Apart from those posters on the thread who really have been in this awful situation and so are able to state with certainty how they dealt with it).

That’s why I find it shocking that some posters have said they definitely wouldn’t report their child. That someone can claim to know with certainty that they wouldn’t act in support of a victim, no matter what, is really surprising to me.

I’m a bit of an arse hole as a parent tho and have always gone down the play stupid games win stupid prizes route.

😂 You’re the parent I aspire to be!

[quote CleanQueen123]@LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour my ex tried to rape me. He told his mother the next day.

Her response was that she felt sorry for me but he was going through a lot of difficulties and so I should forgive him and continue the relationship.

His sister told me that her partner had tried to do the same to her and she'd forgiven him because she loved him. She's gone on to have two children with him.

The whole family knows. They're rape apologists. It's never the man's fault.[/quote]
Its not just men who are the problem, they are enabled by women who cannot face reality.

Four men today were convicted of killing women and children. One, a cagefighter beat his ex wife to death. Two, a "devoted" husband killed his wife for opening a bag of chips and cut her into pieces and pretended to his children she was still alive, They had been married for 24 years. Three, two men who had a feud with a 16 year old boy threw petrol bombs into his home and murdered his mother and her children.

Men have both the capacity for savage levels of violence towards women, because of their sex. Women should be wiser than to brush it under the carpet, or if they do, acknowledge that truly, you are hoping its someone else who gets the brunt of it.

[quote Naunet]@MarieIVanArkleStinks I personally think boys need to be raised to have more empathy too. Girls are encouraged in this a lot, to think of others, consider people’s needs, be kind etc, to the point that it sometimes goes too far. I think boys need some more of this, to consider other people’s feelings, not always put themselves first, etc. They need to be encouraged see women and girls as full human beings, because society will often give them the opposite message.[/quote]
This is something I really agree with. Boys need to be taught that they are equal to girls, not superior. I feel a lot of parents, often without realising, treat their sons better.

One of the best examples I’ve ever seen was when the local Cubs group was set up. There was a very popular drama group running at that time already that was predominantly attended by girls. The number of girls who ended up sacrificing their activity so their brother could go to Cubs actually took me aback. And the number of parents who proudly stated that their daughter “didn’t mind” giving up her fun was staggering.

Even down to simple things like birthdays. The number of times a woman is expected to not only know all of the family birthdays on both sides, but be the one that does all the leg work into presents, cards etc. The mum of DS1’s best friend always moans to me that I get a lovely birthday and hers is rubbish as her son doesn’t bother. I’m not sure how she expected him to magically know it was something he should be doing given he’s never seen his father bother at any point and she’s always excused it.

I get told I’m quite a harsh parent when it comes to manners, how my kids treat each other and me, but it baffles me how many times I’ve heard people say “oh DS just a daft lad” about their young son, yet they’re then surprised when their adult son is a bit of prick.

My brother was arrested for sexual assault (I didn't report him). As he was vulnerable and our parents gone, I had to sit in on all the police interviews and reports. What I heard still gives me nightmares, so goodness knows what that poor person is living with. The person he assulted was very underage and also vulnerable. He denied it the whole way through, but once he said something that in hindsight made me realise he had done it. I put it out of my head at the time, I really didn't want to believe it. He'd been such a sweet child despite difficulties. He was found guilty regardless, but essentially got away with it in terms of a sentence. I cut down contact over time and now never see or speak to him - I have my own children to protect.

That one throwaway line haunts me though. I keep wondering if it was my own child who said what he did, and if I would be brave enough to report it. I'd hope I would be, but then I hope and pray even more that my children will never grow up into such a person. It terrifies me that it's something genetic, poison in the DNA. However, for all those horrified at the ones who may protect their sons, believe me when it's your family member who's being accused, the pain and disbelief is unreal. You absolutely go into denial mode, at least for a while. Monsters aren't obvious, they all being as children and most of the time you simply do not see it coming.

waterlego I answered honestly and I recognise it probably doesn’t reflect very well on me. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about the victim, just that the love for my son overrides that. As I’ve said I don’t feel proud of that but it is my honest response.

I also think I would have failed if I hadn’t managed to instil respect into my son and so I would feel responsible I think.

It's difficult to know. I would hope I'd be encourage him to do the right thing first of all. Reporting him... maybe. I hope so but I couldnt tell.
My love for my children is unconditional and I would continue to love him no matter what. Would I visit him if he was convicted, maintain an active contact during and after? Maybe not, it depends on many

'Many factors'

@LexMitior I completely agree. The female members of his family ganging up on me to minimise what he'd done and keep the relationship going was as shocking to me as what he'd done in the first place.

Men get away with disgusting behaviour and women are conditioned to enable it.

I probably can't answer honestly unless genuinely faced with a scenario in real life.

What would give me pause is the experience of my brother's friend who was accused of sexual assault.

The police attended his house with a warrant. Anything with a hard drive or any kind of storage was taken; his computers, his parents' laptops, all the mobile phones and even boxes connected to TVs.

They were only returned several years later after many solicitor's letters, the police having decided that there was no case to answer and the son's parents having visibly aged many more years.

[quote CleanQueen123]@LexMitior I completely agree. The female members of his family ganging up on me to minimise what he'd done and keep the relationship going was as shocking to me as what he'd done in the first place.

Men get away with disgusting behaviour and women are conditioned to enable it.[/quote]
I am sorry that you had such a vile experience but it is not uncommon. People are much more likely to pick on someone perceived as weaker and a stranger rather than someone who is related to them.

This is one of the reasons that domestic abuse and domestic violence continue. Public wringing of hands, private concealment. A person who experiences sexual violence or otherwise needs the heart of a lion to survive that because the investment is you shut up and everyone else can be happy,

@Ncforthistoday

I reported one of my dc knowing I would /could never see them again. It has been 10 years now and haunts me still. If they had died at least I could have publicly grieved.. They are never mentioned. It's like they never even existed.. I had to filter out all the family photos and remove every one they were in. On their birthday I allow myself a moment to cry.

Nothing and nobody can prepare you for this happening to you as a dm...

I am so, so sorry I am a grieving mother. Even on my saddest days I know where my child is, that no more harm can fall upon her and that she was happy. I agree what you must suffer is infinitely worse. Sending you a hand to hold and a hope for peace in your heart.

@Nanny0gg well I haven't been in this situation so it's impossible to know how I'd feel. I just can't imagine disowning my child completely whatever they did. Keep away, reduce contact yes, absolutely.

I raised my sons to know that they do not assault women?
I would say those that didn’t, wouldn’t?

@FredWinnie. It was the parents of the girls who notified the LADO about the situation.
Unfortunately, the PRU is under the auspices of a diocese so in the end the parents moved the girls.
The sickening thing was the girls had moved to the PRU because of similar treatment at their school.
The photos had been recycled and sent to the boys at the PRU.

I'm shocked at those who say they would protect their children irrespective of the alleged crime they have committed. I can guarantee though that if their DC were the victim they would scream from the rooftops and would more than likely be demanding justice. If however it is their DC who is the perpetrator screw the damage it's done to someone else, apparently they don't matter.

It isn’t just families, unfortunately. Churches are guilty, too, I’ve experienced it with independent conservative Evangelical churches. They silence victims and their families by warning them against bringing shame on the church. That’s why a lot of men like my abusive F never faced justice for their crimes. (He sexually abused my DSis and me.)

A friend of mine told me a couple of years ago that she’d discovered that her second husband had been sexually abusing her teenage DD. Her own family minimised it and her pastor told her not to report it (because of shame on the church blah blah). He also told her that she was to blame for not being a good enough wife.

It isn’t just the families, sadly. I thought evangelical churches had moved on since my childhood what with doing CRB checks on Sunday School workers, so this did shock me. (Worse, this pastor had been a mentor over the years for my very vulnerable DB.

@daffodilsandprimroses, I appreciate your honesty. ‘Feeling bad’ for a victim doesn’t achieve anything though, and actually, I think not assisting with the pursuit of justice could result in that bad feeling following you through your life. At least if the offence was reported, one’s conscience may be able to rest a little more easily.

I take your point about feeling partially responsible though- I imagine I would too. Of course parents may not have any reason to feel responsible- they may have provided strong parenting and a good, happy childhood. But I think every parent would inevitably wonder if they went wrong somewhere along the way.

All of the above is, of course, speculation. I haven’t been in this situation and hope I never will.

@NEVERQUIT3331

I do not get why people are surprised by the responses. It is better than the virtue signalling you get from a lot of posters or people in modern society today. Everyone can preach morality and have a strong opinion of other people's children online, face to face etc. It is the problem with society anyone can say #bekind but from my experience, many people who say or promote this are hypocrites and just do it for views, followers and make people believe they are a good person.

Similarly, anyone can here say "if my child did this they would get reported straight to the police" that is the right noble thing to do no one disagrees with that. But my question is how can you guarantee that you if your child was the rapist you would do it? For many of us it has not happen so how can we 100 percent be sure we would do the right thing? It goes back to the fact that we see our children in a different light even if they were a rapist ,murderer etc we still see them as our little child.

What people need to realize that "if this happens" and a situation actually occurring involving your child being the rapist will have different outcomes. That is a fact. Yes we see some parents doing the right thing but many won't also. At least they were honest and not virtue signalling like many people on the internet. Should they be proud they said that? Of course not. But at least they were honest and did not say an answer what everyone wants them to and what they felt. Of course is it the wrong decision and any parent who does that can have that living on their conscience.

I don't agree.

I don't know if it's because my children are adults and now have children of their own, but if I knew they'd committed a violent and/or sexual crime I couldn't even look at them, let alone protect them.

And if they wouldn't confess, yes I'd shop them. I would not be visualising the cute toddler, I'd be seeing the predator.

@CloudFormations

Yes, I think I would. Unbearable though the thought is, I would have to be part of the solution not the problem.

I see it as my job to raise my son to be the kind of man who would never be a threat to women, so hopefully the dilemma will never arise!

Absolutely 100% this ^

@eeyore228

I'm shocked at those who say they would protect their children irrespective of the alleged crime they have committed. I can guarantee though that if their DC were the victim they would scream from the rooftops and would more than likely be demanding justice. If however it is their DC who is the perpetrator screw the damage it's done to someone else, apparently they don't matter.

But most of us love our children more than anything. Not necessarily saying that I wouldn't report mine, but I'm not shocked that some people are saying they wouldn't. Rightly or wrongly, it's human nature to want to protect your own child over all others.

I never said I wouldn't care about the victim. I would care and I'd feel very guilty for hiding the crime but I'd accept that I'd have to live with that guilt.