Panicking that we cannot afford this baby and we will not cope.

[Redrosesblue]

I have just found out I'm pregnant and completly freaking out. DD has just celebrated her first birthday this week and this is a completely unplanned pregnancy.
We always planned to start TTC for DC2 when DD was at least 2 years 3 months so that by the time the baby arrived, she would definitely be entitled to her 30 free hours childcare. I earn good enough money and am the breadwinner. DH is self employed and his income has been hit hard by Covid (perfectly timed for mat leave with DD1 to start) and I ended up going back to work much earlier than planned to make sure we were okay.
There's no way we can afford double the childcare. DD will only be 1 year 8 months when this baby arrives so even if I take her out of childcare for my mat leave, she'll still be far off 3 by the time I need to go back to work which means double the childcare fees! I am terrified. We cannot afford this baby. I also suffered very badly with hyperemesis last time and I don't know how I will cope. DD is still breastfed to sleep and DH can't get her to sleep on his own. There's so many reasons why this is just not a good time! I'm so scared. I don't want to have to consider termination and never ever thought I would need to but I am so worried that there's no way we can make this work.

the advice just became people attacking me for having a useless DH who doesn't earn enough

Because two of you made the baby, but it seems only one of you is facing up to the responsibility of it.

I mean, not the responsibility but the problems it might cause (money) that need to be faced. And it seems like you already earn your “share” and the shortfall is coming from him.

@Bluetrews25

If you'd become pregnant accidentally at the age of 16, but you knew you wanted DCs in the future when you were in a better position financially and better able to cope, would you have had a termination? I would have. Just change the age....

I honestly don't think you can compare a 16yo who is still in school, most likely living at home, no money or partner beside her and the actions of a married woman, whose in a different position financially, and who wants a baby in a years time.

What a daft comparison. The only doubt in Ops mind is paying two lots of childcare.

He would be devastated if I said I wanted a termination. But he did see how hard HG was for me and he sees how much this year has taken its toll on me and I think he would understand. I'm not decided on that at all but I am thinking it through.

@ThatOtherPoster

the advice just became people attacking me for having a useless DH who doesn't earn enough

Because two of you made the baby, but it seems only one of you is facing up to the responsibility of it.

That’s really unfair. They’ve only known about it for two minutes.

Ooh sorry you will have lost a lot of sympathy at ‘sat at home’ with two small children!

Why? She's only explaining her circumstances and point of view? I know I would do anything reasonable to avoid becoming a SAHM for 5+ years. I guess she knows her husband well enough to know he would hate it too so she's searching for alternatives. 🤷‍♀️

That's a really good response OP. You've got your head screwed on and will make a good decision I am sure. Take a bit of time to mull. You're in shock today.

Fwiw I had secondary infertility too and recurrent miscarriages. It was shit and i agree it does make you eyeroll a bit when people try to plan their families to the nth degree, but that's not the case here and I don't think it should stop people making decisions that are right for them. Even if things didn't work out in the future wouldn't make a termination now necessarily the wrong choice, and really it's a low risk to factor in.

If he wants this child, he needs to step up and provide for it. The physical, emotional and financial burden need to be shared.

to you. It's an incredibly hard situation and tough decision. My perspective is skewed by the fact that we desperately want another child, but then we can afford it as we both have well-paid jobs. I can see that you need to balance the wellbeing (including material) of your existing child against the benefits a second child and a close sibling in age would bring your family. You also need your OH to step up and take some of the practical and emotional burden which you seem to be bearing alone at the moment.

I'm sorry OP, you have an awful lot going on it between getting pregnant so soon after recovering from your first pregnancy, financial stresses and a husband who really wants this baby. I'm sure your head must be an absolute whirlwind.

If it were me I would be inclined to go with the loan option i think. Of course that doesn't solve the problem of you not feeling ready for the physical toll on your body.

Please take time to think and get your head straight. Wishing you the best of luck with this. ❤

OP - you have to make this decision for just you, your dh and your daughter. It sounds to me as though going through with this pregnancy could have a serious impact on your mental health, never mind all the other concerns and hardship you would all have to go through. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone - there's is no need to justify things apart from for yourself. This baby is the wrong timing for you...maybe see it as a time to press pause and then plan a baby for when it is the right time.

My mum had an abortion when me and my twin brother were 9 months old. She already had my sister too who is 18 months older then me. She carries it like it's a shameful secret but it's not at all. My parents had to work every hour to look after all of us and another child into the mix would have impacted even more on a very difficult time.

Don't let this ruin the time you have now. Make your decision and make peace with it - whichever way you go. And you don't need to tell people. You either need to make a practical decision or an emotional one - I know which I would do for the good of my family and my sanity.

OP Excuse me asking - I think someone has already raised this point - but has your husband applied for COVID self-employed top-up money?
The virus has clearly lowered his income www.gov.uk/guidance/coronavirus-covid-19-what-to-do-if-youre-self-employed-and-getting-less-work-or-no-work There are also other benefits he might be able to apply for.

And again, forgive me: would there be any chance of your husband trying to sell wood to individual customers? That would surely generate more profit than selling it wholesale. He wouldn't need a lorry - just a very ordinary trailer. Does he know anyone he could borrow one from? Are there business grants in your area that might help him buy one? And/or equipment like a log-splitter? If you are in a remote place, there are more likely to be regional development schemes....But I'm sure you know all this already.

Re deliveries to sawmills. How many deliveries could a lorry-plus-driver make in one day? Might it be worth your husband hiring a 'man and a lorry' to do this for him even just once, to clear the backlog? (This depends on the size of the timber he's cutting, of course. A huge lorry with an onboard crane would probably be too expensive. ) Of course, if the sawmills don't want the wood, they don't want it, so delivering to them would not be relevant. But even once things are back to normal, it's perhaps not a very good business plan for the future to have just one type of customer, because all sorts of things - a fire, a strike - might decrease sawmill demand again at any one time.

Is he handy? Could he make raised beds or similar? I was looking for a couple more of these the other day and most places are already out of stock....Can he and his best mate do gardening- plant trees as well as chop them down? Etc etc...

Best of luck.

I haven't read all the recent posts but surely you need to change your childcare situation ASAP if you are going to continue with the pregnancy?

If you can't change your bills or your husbands work situation then something has to give

That’s really unfair. They’ve only known about it for two minutes.

I’m really sorry - I realised it sounded harsh so I rewrote it straight away in the next post underneath, but I realise even that sounds mean too.

I’m dragging my personal stuff into this. I just see very often that it’s women who shoulder the practical, pragmatic, real basic bare bones stuff, while men waft away on flights of fancy. It’s ridiculous that the sexes are often portrayed the other way round, stereotypically.

I feel for the OP shouldering all this.

I would strongly suggest compromising on your DD's childcare and your lifestyle rather than your DH's career - as others have said, it's only a year or so of scraping by to afford the fees, vs. the rest of your and DH's career. I know it's sad to take her out of nursery, but childminders have other children there too, so she would be able to socialise. You could also explore an au pair or other cheaper options too, and just make sure they take them on lots of playdates/baby groups etc. And save like crazy between now and the end of your maternity leave. Would it be possible to go part time for the 7 months or so until DD1 gets her free hours so you don't need to pay for childcare for the full days? You've got to think of this as a short term expense, vs. the rest of your lives for your careers, so as long as you can get through it you'll then be back in a good financial position very quickly.

I'd even consider asking family for an interest-free loan in this situation if appropriate - certainly if I had a close relative in this situation I'd happily lend them the money with a repayment plan as it's a very temporary financial hardship. And that's not advice I'd normally give, but if someone was considering giving up their career or a termination because of less than a year of not being able to afford something, it seems like the right thing to do. Similarly with an actual loan - it's best to avoid debt where possible, but if you know for sure you can afford the repayments as soon as you go back to work or even pay it off early, it doesn't seem a bad idea, it's more like a mortgage in that way.

I think you need to establish what your actual concerns are here. There is the financial concern which you have been given a lot of advice about and is really just one year of additional expense VS what you planned.

Some of your other concerns are understandable but I feel you are worrying too much about them. A one year old doesn't need nursery for socialisation and toddler groups and seeing friends is more than enough. Taking her out of nursery to spend time with her sibling and quality time with you will bring enormous benefits to her.
She also gets a sibling close in age which also comes with a great many benefits further down the line. You want a baby, your husband definitely wants this baby, I think you could make it work and I worry that you would regret a termination and that it could effect your marriage in other ways.

Can you not employ a tree surgeon on a temporary 8 month contract and your husband stay home with them? That way he can keep the business going and return when childcare kicks in.

I think there's been a huge amount of sound advice provided on here tbh, and the OP's attitude is to find a reason or a justification not to go with most of these options because it won't work.

Maybe you actually just don't want this baby in the first place and you don't want to make it work because the options are there.

I also agree with pps saying that you're carrying too much on your shoulders. Whether you can see it or not right now, there's imbalance in your relationship which isn't healthy.

Perhaps take a step back for a few weeks and digest on things, then have a viability scan to actually check the pregnancy is even progressing in the first place. You're thinking about years ahead with zero knowledge of the health of this pregnancy in the first place.

Good luck with your decision.

Can you not employ a tree surgeon on a temporary 8 month contract and your husband stay home with them? That way he can keep the business going and return when childcare kicks in.

Wouldn't that be cheating?

he sells logs to sawmills many of which have not been running as efficiently so are not collecting the wood. He doesn't have a lorry so he can't just deliver it

How do the logs get into your yard in the first place? Is it good quality "interesting" timber for tables and things that comes in bit by bit on a small trailer as small jobs are done then gets picked up in big loads by a lorry from a suitable sawmill that's too far away for DH to make a lot of trips in a small truck and trailer?

Could your DH talk to his business partner about working on a Saturday and dropping a weekday so that would save on nursery fees??

Not huge money but buy washable nappies as you do save ££££ in the long wrong especially if you buy 2nd hand or stick with terry squares and just get decent wraps.

Thank you for your kind posts.

I am definitely seeing that we could make it work with the money. I have been doing some sums and with a loan to cover the period of double childcare we could make that work. I could pay for DD to stay in just 2 short days a week with my mat pay whilst I was off which would keep her settled and give me time with the new baby so that might be the best way. I know a loan is not the best way forward but I will save what I can before and DH will too. He isn't business savvy but he's not a bad guy.
But I need to just wrap my head around this more really before I make any decisions.

Is sadly doesn't sound like his business is going to be viable even without Covid (based on the amounts of £ you have said, and the long hours he works for that) for you to have a second child, so at some stage, I think you need to have that hard decision as a couple.

That being said, the double childcare fees is a limited, and short term problem, and there are solutions which people have mentioned. I imagine it's viable if you want it to be.

Re the HG, I didn't have this, but I had a different pregnancy complication in both of mine that rendered me mostly housebound for most of my pregnancy. I had a similar age gap to what you'd have, and in hindsight, I'm very glad I did it when I did and didn't wait.

Also, with parenting during lockdown, with two small ones that have (during the year of this) spanned the ages of 11m - nearly 4, younger is better when it comes to being stuck in!

An under 2 year old is more likely to be content hanging round the house/garden, whilst you cradle your bucket, than a 2-3 year old who will want to go to the park, will need more interaction with friends. Having done mostly housebound pregnant parenting with a 1+ year old, I have no idea how I'd have coped if my first born was older.

@Xenia

I have no evidence for that at all. It is just you never know. Some people have secondary infertility so here is a baby come a little bit early they were planning to have anyway and it is possible it might be the last they can have. I just feel it is not worth the risk of not going ahead with this one. However I am not anti - abortion at all.

By the way when we both worked full time as we had one person looking after all the children it was actually a lot cheaper to have them close together so those expensive years were a shorter period although I appreciate it is the opposite with nurseries.

You admit to having no evidence at all but decided to tell a worried pregnant woman that she should probably keep this unplanned child because having an abortion might leave her unable to get pregnant and you claim not to be anti-abortion (or as most of us say, pro choice )

What are you on?

Haven’t RTFT but I have twins and was the higher earner when I was pregnant.

Are you a nurse? If so I was in the same boat; went to mat leave and we massively struggled. Can you take your mat leave over the full year and have equal payments (I done that) so that you have a full year at home then only need double childcare for less, you’ll know exactly what youve got coming in from your wage at least and if you can save as much as now (can you do bank?) you’ll have that, plus what DH had. You have a few months of seeing if his work increases and if not is there any sort of work he could do for some more steady income?

I know around our area the tree surgeons are back out pruning back all the trees along the road, does he work for a company or is that a possibility?

@PurplePansy05 I'm not trying to find excuses at all. I said straight away that I hadn't thought of a loan and that may be the answer. I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to move DD if I don't have to but I said I would look at that too to assess the options. And I have said that this thread has been helpful, it really has and I'm really grateful to it. The money is a big issue but it's not the only issue, I need to decide what I really want to do, I know that and that's all I'm trying to do. No one can tell me if I'll definitely get HG again or how DD would cope if A, B or C happened. I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just sound boarding to make sure I have considered everything.