How involved are you in your other half's life?

[merrynelly]

Do you always know where they are, and if not do they tell you? E.g would it bother you if they had stopped off to see friend/family on their way back from work and then came home and never mentioned it and you only found out when the friend/family member mentioned it to you in passing? Do you know what they spend their money on and how much they spend and do you ever ask if you see them with something new? Do you have individual savings or shared? Do they share private information relating to their friends and family?

Very bizarre question I know, and I have no doubt it varies person to person, but I've been raised seeing an extremely dysfunctional relationship through my parents, and I'm trying to ascertain what is healthy/the norm and what is controlling/overbearing.

No, I don't always know where my husband is, and vice versa. I don't know where he is right now- I am assuming hiking somewhere. We only let each other know where we will be if we know we may worry (e.g. late at night/gone for a long period of time).
I would find it suffocating if I was expected to tell my husband what I am up to all the time. Of course, if I happen to leave the house and bump into him in the hall/kitchen, I will let him know out of courtesy but that is it.

I would say I know most of what my DH does and where he goes and vice versa, it's not controlling, we just talk to each other so these things come up. I would think it was odd if he visited someone after work and never told me, not that we quiz each other or think we need each others permission, just because we talk

If I was any more involved, we'd be wearing the same pair of trousers. By accident, not design.

Meeting up with friends / family - it would likely come up in normal conversation but if it didn’t it wouldn’t be a concern unless there was a backstory. Wouldn’t have an issue if they stopped in after work to visit

Same with sharing information - it would tend to be shared as part of normal daily conversation unless it was extremely personal that I was specifically asked not to share

Individual accounts and savings - to me it is very important for both parties in a relationship to have independent access to money but appreciate that not all couples feel the same

Spend money - depends if you have individual accounts (then it’s ok) or shared (needs a conversation)

I know where my oh is. He works in different places but I always know. If he stopped somewhere on his way home, he would text to let me know, as I would for him. Our finances are all joint.

We always know where eachother are. Or would mention that evening if we'd been somewhere different. It's just how we are, we talk to eachother alot. I'd find it weird if he went somewhere and didn't tell me, and vice versa.

Well I wouldn’t necessarily know where he was all the time but he would probably mention it to me because we share school pick-ups so need to co-ordinate if it clashes with that. If he’s out with colleagues I wouldn’t know where or who with (through lack of interest on my side) - he wouldn’t remember if I told him where I was probably. Financially we have separate savings and we don’t know the ins and outs of those. We do have some shared accounts so it’s not completely divided. I wouldn’t want to have someone checking my movements particularly but I also wouldn’t particularly conceal anything either.

Our finances are joint across a few accounts. Some joint some personal. Neither of us would spend a lot of money without talking about it.

Yes I always know where he is, who he's seen and vice versa. We have one child and need to coordinate. Also we live in an area away from friends and family so it would be weird to just go off somewhere without saying, it's not like he can just pop round to his mum's. We spend most of our time together tbh, especially with lockdown so no gym or anything, but even when that's open we would say 'im going to the gym, bye'. Our money is joint. Each have a savings account but savings are moved from the joint.

We are very much involved in each other's business. That's just how we are. Some people might find it alot but we don't. My dh just wouldn't go somewhere without letting me know. Not in a controlling way, but more out of consideration.

Ps. I don’t know what he buys particularly or how much he spends and I don’t expect to be told personal matters regarding his friends. I once told my friend something personal and she told her husband - he became weird going through my social media. I don’t think that was appropriate for her - some things are not for sharing.

We don't tell each other everything, but a lot will come up in conversation if its interesting enough. I wouldn't for example say oh I popped into Tesco to get some spuds, but I might say I popped in to see Janet she has a new kitten, or she said to say hi or something

Because of Covid, I know where he is every single minute of the day. Normally, we have pretty independent lives. We'd tell each other if one wasn't going to be home for dinner but that's about it. Totally separate finances too - once our bills are paid, neither of us know or care what the other spends money on. He's welcome to ask, as am I. We don't have secrets per se but I also like to be able to do my own thing without having to ask for permission (and therefore I afford him the same right).

We pretty much always know where each other is and what we are up to - we text to tell each other things all the time. We keep money separate though. I am not long out of a financially abusive marriage and won’t be repeating the experience .

I don't always know where dp is and I didn't give it any thought until now. He knows lots of people through his profession and hobbies. He's well known but introverted but most people in his home town know him. I guess he's never done anything since I've known him that made me second guess him.

Conversely I am never questioned about what I'm up to in an invasive way. It's not part of our relationship.

I've had plenty of relationships which have made me second guess my partner though I'm not immune to mistrust or jealously - it's just not a feature with dp.

If dp and I split I'll be alone as I couldn't go back to navigating all this shit again.

We don't have joint accounts though expect we will in the future. I have no idea about what dp spends his cash on apart from bills. I know what he earns and I'd be surprised if he had any debt. That's all.

We don't always know where the other is, but usually do just because of routine and normal conversation. Generally we mention if we are going to be home later than about 6pm. If he made a social visit on the way home from work he would probably mention it that evening when we talk about how the day was etc, but even if he didn't mention it for some reason and I found out about it later, it wouldn't be a problem. I'd assume he forgot to mention it. I couldn't bear someone needed to know where I am 24/7.

Money, we have joint finances and anything under about £100 probably wouldn't be mentioned/run past the other person. I never ask what he spends money on, and he never asks me, but when something new arrives we would probably excitedly show the other! This is only possible because we have similar enough attitudes towards money/savings and have set amounts for bills/savings. The rest we are free to do what we want with.

Private information about friends and family. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I'd share things if I thought he needed to know, or if I needed to talk to someone about it (for example if a friend was having a hard time and I felt bad for them), or if it came up in a 'how was lunch with Jane?' type-conversation.

I think this comes down to what each couple feels is appropriate and it’s a very personal line/ choice. It is shaped by values/ personal experiences IME.
As such, what maybe ‘controlling’ in one couple is par for the course in another. I imagine you’ll get a complete mixed bag of responses (we share everything - finances/ information) through to, I don’t need to know where my DP is and I don’t expect to have to explain where I am.

My point? There’s no black and white clear answer to this. What works for one couple won’t work for another.

My personal experience, as someone who’s just ended a LTR (a factor within it was my exp’s lack of disclosure on something quite important to me.) is this. If something is important to you / your core value system (let’s say it’s transparency on who they’re meeting up with), and that’s something you would be fully open about with your partner. You have every right to say this is important to me.

Now, your partner may not agree with you and respond one of two ways.

1. I don’t necessarily agree with you, but I have nothing to hide, I love you and if this makes you feel secure, then I’m happy to do this.
2. I don’t agree with you. I think it’s very controlling of you to tell me I need to tell you everything. Don’t you trust me?

I don’t think either response is right or wrong. But what I do think then has to happen within a relationship is a revisiting of core values - is this conflict big enough for it to undermine the core of the relationship?

It becomes controlling if it’s a behaviour/ process forced upon someone else.
But that doesn’t necessarily make it wrong. It just potentially means an area of incompatibility.

I pretty much always know where he is, especially at the moment. In the olden days he might have gone to see his parents on his day off or something without me knowing about it but he'd usually mention it when chatting about our days.

I'd think it was odd if he didn't tell me he'd gone to see a friend but it's not like I'd expect him to ask me for permission or anything. We also tell each other most things about stuff going on with friends/family unless it's especially personal.

We're not married and don't have a joint account yet but mostly only because we haven't got round to opening one. When we do it'll be for the mortgage, household bills and food shops etc but we'll keep the rest of our money separate. The exception to that is while I'm on maternity leave when our money will be pooled. We're both saving for that at the moment but in our own accounts.

DH is self employed and works in customers' houses. I always know roughly where he is as in area but not actual street. I could find out if I really needed to though

We have a joint bank account. We opened it after getting married 40 years ago. We both get notifications on our phones when money has gone into or come out of the account so if either of us spend anything we each know almost immediately.

I am retired on state pension but DH still works. I do his accounts so know exactly how much he earns.

If he were to call into friends/relatives without me he would always tell me. If he goes to a shop during the day or after work he doesn't necessarily tell me.

We are both very open about money, even though we have separate accounts (we split bills evenly, as we earn roughly the same). I've had relationships before where this wasn't the case and it was a mess. We have shared financial goals, we own our house jointly, we've seen each other's wills (and made equal provision etc). We check with each other before we make large purchases ("I'm doing this, just checking it's okay if I'm a bit short this month").

In normal times I always know where he is, and what meals he is in for (and vv). More in case there's an accident - at what point do I need to start worrying, e.g. he will go out solo hiking all day, it's only sensible that I know where he is planning to go and when he's planning to be back. In normal times we probably text or call each other several times a day, even though we've been together years... I appreciate most people don't do that, but it makes us both happy. But I think there's a difference between pinging off each other and repeatedly dialling / messaging someone to harangue them about, e.g. where they are and who they're with.

We chatter to each other constantly, including during lockdown, so I usually know if he's bumped into someone, but sometimes he forgets to tell me. I have ASD so what I think is relevant to tell him, isn't always what he wants to hear, or I miss things that are relevant. But I tell him what I think is important.

MN is good to get a feel for what's 'normal', but do remember that not everyone is normal and as long as you are happy then it's okay not to do things in a regular way

He is a free agent and I don't need to know everything. He, however, knows everything because I can't shut up😂
We have no obligation to share any of the things you mention, we do if we want to. Sometimes we don't mention things because they are not as important.
I have no idea how much DH spends, he has no idea how much I spend.

As pps said, it's up to the couple. Both have to be comfortable with the set up. I personally would be mightily uncomfortable with partner having to know about absolutely everything I do and everyone I talk to.

He knows where I am, who I'm with, what my plans are. But that's because I'm a sharer. He doesn't see the necessity of me updating him regularly.

I have a vague idea of where he is and when he'll be home. But that's it. If he'll be late by an hour or so he'll let me know he'll be late, but usually no more detail than that. He's not a sharer. I'll sometimes ask who he was with or if anything exciting happened. But that's just me being nosy.

It's took a long time for me to acclimatise to our differences in sharing plans. Now we just do our own thing and I don't get concerned by his lack of checking in and he doesn't get confused by my need to check in (very) regularly.

I would mostly know where my H is, especially at the moment as he is wfh.
When he was in london then I wouldn’t have had a clue for the most part. I trusted him to be at work or perhaps out with colleagues.
We have shared finances but also individual accounts so I don’t know what he spends all the time, and he doesn’t know what I’ve spent either.
I think if we had much tighter budgets to stick to we might pay better attention and know more what the other had spent.
He would tell me if he’s visited family or friends as we discuss what we’ve done during the day.
I think we’re fairly well balanced.

Right now, I know what room he’s in as we’re both WFH.

Normally, we always know where each other are. I can’t see how we have a conversation without it coming up. It’s pretty rare for either of us to go somewhere entirely unplanned. If we do, it would naturally come up when we asked how the other’s day/night was.

I tend to know where my DH is and vice versa. Or if not in advance, it will come up afterwards.

So if we are both at home and I was about to leave the house to meet a friend/go for a walk/whatever I’d let him know. Or if he was out it would probably come up in conversation - he’d ask how my day was/what I got up to etc. If I was for example stopping by somewhere/to see someone on the way home from work, I’d usually just send him a message to say I’d be a bit late home etc.

It’s not suffocating, it’s just that we live together and we talk. It’s not about asking permission or feeling like you have to account for your whereabouts all the time, we just keep each other in the loop. It’s also just something to talk about - I’d ask him how so and so was if he went to visit someone or whatever.