How involved are you in your other half's life?

[merrynelly]

Do you always know where they are, and if not do they tell you? E.g would it bother you if they had stopped off to see friend/family on their way back from work and then came home and never mentioned it and you only found out when the friend/family member mentioned it to you in passing? Do you know what they spend their money on and how much they spend and do you ever ask if you see them with something new? Do you have individual savings or shared? Do they share private information relating to their friends and family?

Very bizarre question I know, and I have no doubt it varies person to person, but I've been raised seeing an extremely dysfunctional relationship through my parents, and I'm trying to ascertain what is healthy/the norm and what is controlling/overbearing.

My OH and I live separately and see each other a few times a week and most weekends. We have been together nearly 2 years and have no plans for cohabitation.

I know roughly where he is most of the time and visa versa. If there is anything interesting going on or his plans impact me I definitely know. However he travels to client locations a few times a week and I don’t always know where he’s going if it hasn’t come up in conversation. Lockdown has meant neither of us has been hanging out with other people but I wouldn’t be surprised if (Covid permitting) he dropped by to see his friends without my being specifically told. It would normally come up in conversation somewhere along the line.

Should add that finances are not joint but we know what one another earns and when we spend on big things. Finances will likely never be joint and we don’t judge one another’s spending.

Yes we both talk a bit about private family matters. Hard to support someone if you don’t know what’s going on. It’s not required though, if it’s private either of us could choose not to disclose and that would be ok.

Yes always know where they are because it's either work or with me especially this last year !

They may not mention they have seen someone but unless it's dodgy I'd think it slipped their mind as too dull to mention
They always show me what they have bought as it's nice conversation but I'd think nothing of it if I found an item they had ordered online and not mentioned we never buy anything expensive so it's only ever a top or something
Separate bank account but we need to re gig finances
Every relationship is different I like sofa cuddles my partner like to stretch out alone as long as you are treated as you want to be treated it's all good

Do you always know where they are, and if not do they tell you?

I’d say I know where DH is 99% of the time. He could say the same about me. He would tell me if I asked.

E.g would it bother you if they had stopped off to see friend/family on their way back from work and then came home and never mentioned it and you only found out when the friend/family member mentioned it to you in passing?

Him doing it wouldn’t bother me at all. Not knowing might bother me if I didn’t know where he was but was expecting him home. I’d worry if he didn’t turn up when I expected him to. We have Find My Friend on our phones though so I could check if I was really worried.

Do you know what they spend their money on and how much they spend and do you ever ask if you see them with something new?

For the most part, we both know what we spend money on but neither of us monitor this. Aside from a passing comment asking what to see what they’ve bought out of interest, we don’t ask loads of questions.

Do you have individual savings or shared?

Shared. All of our money is pooled together.

Do they share private information relating to their friends and family?

Usually, yes.

I’m going to say pretty much yes. As someone said earlier we are both wfh at the moment and obviously in the house all the time so I think it’s just polite to mention if you are going out and where you are going.

Pre COVID we would normally send a text or two during the day but not to check up on each other, more like ‘hope you’re having a good day’, ‘your package arrived’ ‘can you get x on the way home’. I wouldn’t expect my partner to tell me everywhere he is going in the day but I do think it’s common courtesy to mention if you are stopping somewhere on the way home and going to be later than usual and if it’s the shops we always ask the other one if they want anything.

Money wise I am the main earner while my partner finishes his PHD so I pretty much manage it all by myself. We have a joint account that we both pay into and we both have equal access but he never really checks what’s going on there unless he gets a reminder from the bank and I prefer to be in control of the finances. I don’t care what he spends his own money on particularly although we are saving for a house and hoping to buy this year so would be annoyed if he made a big purchase without discussing it first.

@Peace43

Should add that finances are not joint but we know what one another earns and when we spend on big things. Finances will likely never be joint and we don’t judge one another’s spending.

Yes we both talk a bit about private family matters. Hard to support someone if you don’t know what’s going on. It’s not required though, if it’s private either of us could choose not to disclose and that would be ok.

I find the idea of keeping something private from your partner bizarre. It would bother me if my partner thought something was too personal to share with me (unless it was a secret someone else had shared with him in confidence)

We have no secrets, but don't share everything.

Consult each other on big purchases. Spend our own money on whatever we want without seeking approval.

He's WFH at the moment so I know exactly where he is, but when he was commuting he'd usually text when he was on the way home.

We mostly know where each other are, because we tell each other and have nothing to hide. Pre covid, if there were impromptu beers after work or something it would just be a quick text. We both have fairly active social lives (again, pre covid) and it's never been an issue.

We have shared savings that is for house stuff, emergencies, or something we're saving for. We both have full access to that account.

Our money is our own, and as long as the mortgage and bills are covered we don't interfere.

It's a marriage, not prison and I'm not his mum.

I know in general where DH is in normal times, eg if he's staying in town for a drink with friends, and I'll know with who, but I don't need to know which exact pub or anything.

We don't watch one another's spending as we're both pretty sensible with cash, would never gamble and neither of us has ever been in debt. It might be normal and sensible to watch one another's money in a relationship if someone had form for poor money choices, but otherwise I think it's pretty private.

We have a shared bills account and our own separate accounts.

We have a fair idea where one another is most of the time. More out of habit then anything.

We live pretty rurally so we do like to have a rough idea of when to expect one another back if one of us goes out in the snow or whatever.

would it bother you if they had stopped off to see friend/family on their way back from work and then came home and never mentioned it and you only found out when the friend/family member mentioned it to you in passing?
Hmm, not if I didn't need to know about it, but as I WFH I sort the dinner out and DH usually collects DD from nursery. So if he was going to be late obviously he would tell me and he would tell me why he was going to be late otherwise that would be odd.

Do you know what they spend their money on and how much they spend and do you ever ask if you see them with something new? Our finances are enmeshed but if we fancy bits and bobs for ourselves we both just buy whatever. So no I don't know everything he buys and I don't know what you mean by 'ask' if I see something knew? I'm not talking about anything expensive though, we aren't a high income family so any large purchases are agreed jointly.

Do you have individual savings or shared? Mostly shared, we do have individual accounts but we are saving together for a deposit for a house and consider all our savings joint.

Do they share private information relating to their friends and family? Not sure what you mean by this but we do both talk about news in our respective families, yes. I can't really imagine a situation where we wouldn't share family info with each other. We are both close to both sides of our families though.

My DP is very chatty and tells me all the details, though I am often not interested! So it would surprise me if, say, he stopped off and saw someone on the way home and didn't tell me, but only because it's out of character.

There are a few deep dark family secrets he hasn't told me, or only told me after a few decades of silence.

I know roughly what he spends money on and how much. I would only consider it my business to know all the details if I felt he was a spendthrift, in which case we'd either discuss purchases in more detail or agree how much discretionary money each of us could spend each month without consulting the other. We consider all our money to be joint money, but he has some money safely tucked away which I cannot access, and I have some which he cannot access - this is a fairly recent arrangement because I've heard horror stories of financial abuse, plus we have a close relative who lost everything to her DH's gambling addiction.

If we were going to do something out of the norm, like call in to see someone on the way home and hadn’t mentioned it, a quick call or text would be appreciated. Definitely if disappearing overnight, I would expect to know. We are involved very closely in each other’s lives though and spend the bulk of our free time together.

Do you always know where they are, and if not do they tell you?

We got into a routine of diary planning a couple of weeks ahead to ensure childcare commitments were covered and to sort meal planning, car use etc when the children were young. We still do it but less in lockdown. We know each other’s diaries but if anything changes we usually tell each other. He will ring if he’s been delayed etc. If I’m away for work, I’ll call him before we go out for a meal usually but might not know exactly where we’re going.

E.g would it bother you if they had stopped off to see friend/family on their way back from work and then came home and never mentioned it and you only found out when the friend/family member mentioned it to you in passing?
Not at all. It rarely happens, but if he’s dropped off some flowers for a birthday or similar that’s not an issue. If he was going for a drink after his meeting he’d always phone. He always worries about me more than the other way around because I don’t always take my phone out with me.

Do you know what they spend their money on and how much they spend and do you ever ask if you see them with something new?

I don’t always notice, but there are no secrets. I’m just not that interested in new trainers or boxers. I don’t keep a check on his spending, nor he on mine. We could look at bank statements or receipts, but it’s never been a problem we’ve needed to check on. Would I notice a new car? Yes. Would I notice a new coat? Probably but unless he mentioned new boots or a jumper I’d probably not take much notice. If it was something for the house, he might nudge me to notice.

Do you have individual savings or shared?

Family money. It belongs to us both equally.

Do they share private information relating to their friends and family?

Chit chat, yes generally -MIL has date for surgery, SIL has glued herself to Blackrock window etc. I can’t think what would be too private to share - he owes me openness and trust more than he owes his families privacy and vice versa. Never really anything terribly exciting to hide.
Usually it’s him wanting me to speak to his mother about an ailment or problem, rather than me trying to find out something.

I probably know more about DH's life than he does about mine, but that's partly because I know he's at work through the week (pre-Covid - he's wfh now). I'm a sahm so he doesn't tend to know what I'm up to during the week, I can be out at appointments, seeing family or doing errands and I don't tell him every little thing (I usually only mention it if there's some interesting gossip or story to share). But we tell each other about stuff after work/in evenings as we have a toddler/have dinner plans at home. In pre-child days we were a lot more relaxed about it though and wouldn't always say if we were going to be back late.

We don't discuss what we spend our money on, unless it's interesting for other reasons. Financially we have enough between us not to need to monitor spending, perhaps we would if we needed to make sure we weren't spending money for bills. Savings are individual (necessarily for tax reasons). I know more about his than he does about mine, but it's not really very transparent between us. We mention things in passing but not exact amounts (until it becomes relevant, e.g. now we are looking at buying a house).

I don't share very private information about family (e.g. rape, DV) as it's not my information to share, but I've told DH stuff about things that I wouldn't talk about outside the family (e.g. health issues).

Particularly after the last year we pretty much know exactly what the other one is doing. To be air we were more or less like that before. Oddly though there is no expectation for either side to share and for some wierd reason it means we do.
With exdh he wanted to be absolutely joined at the hip (excluding during the EA he managed to develop on his commute.....to be fair the ingenuity impressed me there ). It was beyond suffocating. We literally needed to go everywhere together.

With DP I consciously chose not to ever answer to him. Which annoyingly means we have sort of ended up telling each other pretty much everything. We both share family news , any changes thoughts etc.

I mean other than his work away where I actually do know exactly what he does more or less (mainly because he video calls and discusses how that days delivery has gone but we are in similar industries so we discuss it from a professional point of view ).

We have little money currently so we discuss money to the penny but we need to. That said neither of us would put the budget at risk or stop the other from buying anything.

I suppose we don't alway clarify where we are going if we go out. We just say I'm going out watch the DC , but if I'm honest we know which shops each other goes to , for what (because we know what's run out and what time of day we have noticed it )

Basically after the last year we may as well be in each others brains and none of it was flipping intentional

Very involved: joint account, lots of chatting, coordination of daily activities. We don’t have family near by so any visits would be noticeable.

We generally know where the other is or has been throughout the day if it comes up in conversation.
Like a PP I might not mention that I'd been to Sainsbury's, but I would tell him if I'd been to a friend's for a cup of tea. Depends on how interesting or relevant the information is.

He's been WFH for a year now so I generally know exactly where he is. In fact I was perplexed to come home from work the other day and he was out and I had no idea where he was. He turned up about 20 minutes later and told me.

When we go out with friends, we keep in vague touch throughout the night and will generally tell the other when we've arrived safely or are heading home.

If we organise to go out with friends, we check with the other out of courtesy and to ensure no clashes (we have children). We don't stop the other going out.

We have separate accounts.

I mostly know where he us, he mostly knows where I am. We don’t keep tabs on each other though. He might go to his daughters or dads house after work. It will probably come up in conversation at some point but if he didn’t tell me it wouldn’t bother me.

If I was younger, or in a newer relationship I might have been miffed bit after 26 years I don’t feel the need to know his every move.

To add, I know if he spends money as I deal with all our accounts. I don’t ask what it’s for though. We have our own accounts. Nothing joint but I spend what I want out of his 😂.

We are quite private and don’t discuss private stuff with friends or family though.

@AryaStarkWolf

I would say I know most of what my DH does and where he goes and vice versa, it's not controlling, we just talk to each other so these things come up. I would think it was odd if he visited someone after work and never told me, not that we quiz each other or think we need each others permission, just because we talk

This

Together 16 years, 3 dc. Joint account where we both pay half the bills. Whatever is left is our own. He earns more, ultimately my choice to have it this way despite his protests at the beginning but I'm a spender and he's a saver and this way I'm not open to scrutiny .

We would only not know where the other one is if one of us was out and the other one weren't out on a spur of the moment afterwards. We have tracking app on the phone too.

My husband is a keen cyclist and had had near misses and people throw stuff at him. I would have no clue where he was on a 3-4hour ride so I check if need been and have used to locate and rescue with drinks/puncture. I wouldn't be bothered if he turned it off though.

There is no demand to tell anything but I would find withholding info a bit strange tbh

This is one of the biggest differences between my current relationship and previous LTR.

Do you always know where they are, and if not do they tell you? E.g would it bother you if they had stopped off to see friend/family on their way back from work and then came home and never mentioned it and you only found out when the friend/family member mentioned it to you in passing?

No, he's always doing stuff like this. Going out to do one thing but coming back after doing two or three other things, often not mentioning it until later. Now I too do the same.
This would never have happened with the ex, we were always in touch with each other during the day, talking at the end of the day about what we'd done and who we'd seen.

Do you know what they spend their money on and how much they spend and do you ever ask if you see them with something new?

Nope, not a clue. Totally separate finances. If one of us had something like a new jumper or new book, we'd probably show an interest though.
The ex and I had a joint account (as well as separate) so a lot of purchases were joint decisions.

Do you have individual savings or shared?

Completely individual. Every now and then we say how really we should write down all of the accounts in case something happens to the other, but we don't get around to it. DP in particular is like a squirrel with lots of accounts collected over the years. It'd be a nightmare to sort his estate out.

Do they share private information relating to their friends and family

We both confide about our families, especially if something is worrying us, but I keep stuff from him about friends that they wouldn't want him to know. I've just asked him and he said his friends don't really have those kinds of deep conversations in the first place.

@merrynelly what was "normal" for you?

I don't think there's a "normal" exactly and different set ups work for different people.

We operated fairly independently before DC. Popping in to see family etc wouldn't even be noticed or cared about. I did my thing, he did his. We bought whatever we wanted, might mention it, might not. Anything different I would have considered suffocating and controlling but I know family members who are joined at the hip, both are happy and it works for them.

Since we had DC this dynamic has changed somewhat. My husband still kind of does his own thing but I'm not so breezy about it now as it means I'm left with the DC and don't have the same freedoms. It caused strife when they were babies and was selfish IMO. We still buy what we want for the most part unless it's a big purchase/something for the house, then we'll discuss it.