How involved are you in your other half's life?

[merrynelly]

Do you always know where they are, and if not do they tell you? E.g would it bother you if they had stopped off to see friend/family on their way back from work and then came home and never mentioned it and you only found out when the friend/family member mentioned it to you in passing? Do you know what they spend their money on and how much they spend and do you ever ask if you see them with something new? Do you have individual savings or shared? Do they share private information relating to their friends and family?

Very bizarre question I know, and I have no doubt it varies person to person, but I've been raised seeing an extremely dysfunctional relationship through my parents, and I'm trying to ascertain what is healthy/the norm and what is controlling/overbearing.

Dh is military, so I almost always know where he is, unless he is in the field.
Our financial situation is totally joint, and while I may not look at all the accounts every day, I can whenever I want.
We tell each other about our days, usually in detail, just because we are genuinely interested.
If I want to take off for a few days solo tripping/hiking/camping, I just tell him roughly where I am headed, and off I go.
We spend up to six months apart at a time, so we stay involved where we can, but not because it's a trust thing, it's just we like each other a lot.

We usually have a chat about what's going on next week. I mean it's not very exciting, he's at work, I'm at home. I used to occasionally meet friends for lunch or a coffee and maybe that'll happen again in the future. I don't understand why you wouldn't tell your partner what's going on in your life.

Out if courtesy we’ll let the other know where we are going. ‘I’m out on Friday with x after work!’ Or ‘I’m nipping to the shop, do you want anything?’ or ‘I’m off fora walk’. If DH stops it at mil he lets me know so I don’t worry if he’s late etc.

Our joint money is discussed but our own money is ours. I might say ‘oh that’s nice is it new?’ But I won’t quiz them about it.

@mbosnz

If I was any more involved, we'd be wearing the same pair of trousers. By accident, not design.

This but we’re both sharers, in constant contact, have had completely shared finances from pretty much the beginning.

Yes to all questions. We don’t have individual accounts - all shared including credit cards.

Neither of us is controlling, we just talk a lot! Both of us spend money as we see fit, no questions asked. Obviously discuss and agree on big purchases - household appliances, cars etc.

We often don’t know where each other are. Limited joint finances mostly separate although we are open about money. We don’t generally question the other person’s spending. Large purchases are usually discussed but not always. We both have access to each other’s emails, phones etc but wouldn’t bother checking.
We’ve been married over 20 years.

We ALWAYS know where each other is-always. His also been on furlough for a year and I work from home so we’ve been together every minute apart from 2 hours a week when he goes shopping. Nowhere to go, nothing to do.

Before covid we always knew where each other was too, we don’t have any trust issues, we’ve been together for 20 years and we are too set in our lives too cheat, we both have it easy with each other and we know it!

In the past when one of us was off out we would always mention it- “just popping to the joneses” “I’m going to the gym”. We don’t have to do that with each other but just always have. We don’t ask permission to go places though, we’re a comfortable couple and we can do what we like but i guess we have just always been polite in mentioning what we’re doing.

With regards to stopping at a friends house after work, neither of us have ever done that I don’t think, but if he did it would be out of character for us, (it wouldn’t bother me at all) but I assume it’s normal in other relationships and we are the exception.

The only time I would raise something is if he knew gossip and didn’t tell me, but I’m a light hearted way, I wouldn’t be upset or anything.

I would tell him I was going out (and where) if we were both in the house, just because it's polite and we care about each other. If he had already gone out, I wouldn't text him to tell him. If he stopped at a friend's on the way home from work I wouldn't expect him to tell me. If he was going to be much later and we needed to change dinner plans, he would text/call.

We do discuss purchases usually, because our finances are completely shared (we're married). If we weren't married and we weren't sharing finances, my purchases would be none of his business.

Yes we share everything about our friends and family. The only exception to this would be if a friend told me a secret which they didn't want me to share. If this secret did not affect me or my husband then I'd respect my friend's confidence; in this case it doesn't impact my relationship so my husband doesn't need to know. I might tell him accidentally though because it is difficult to remember to hold things back from someone you see as the other half of the whole. Before we were married I did not share everything with him in this way; some things are only safe in the sanctity of marriage (in my opinion).

We have joint finances to pay the bills and sort the kids and we also have separate finances for ourselves.

@AmyLou100

We are very much involved in each other's business. That's just how we are. Some people might find it alot but we don't. My dh just wouldn't go somewhere without letting me know. Not in a controlling way, but more out of consideration.

This.

To just go out without telling one another would surely just be like living with a flatmate?
Talking about family and friends is also part of sharing a life together.
Finances, we have a shared account for bills and out own individual accounts. Neither of us has to justify our own spending, ask permission or tell each other every time we buy something.

We operate fairly independently. Separate finances but each would have a general idea of what the other's situation was. Some joint funds/investments as well. Separate short breaks and weekends don't raise an eyebrow. Our hobbies are very different too. He knows loads of people, I don't so I often interrupt his stories by asking who's who.
We co-ordinate our (not very exciting) scheduled at the beginning of the week so I always have an idea of what's going on, and out of politeness would keep the other informed if we were going to be late home - just common decency as the other would be cooking.
We don't text or speak on the phone very often during the day.
(Having said all that, we do share locations on iPhone, so that's a bit of a giveaway.)

We don't leave the house without saying bye - largely as we have tween kids so it's notice to the other that they the parent on the spot!

Today I know he's gone to x city for work and he's doing thing y.

I wouldn't expect to know what he does for lunch or whether he is popping to Tesco or b and q while he is there - or where he decided to stop and charge up his car for example or if he has a coffee with colleague. Though he might mention that.

Finances mostly joint account but we each have a private Monzo account into which our monthly spending money goes.

So if I choose to blow mine on a months worth of choccamoccacinos at Starbucks I can keep that secret from him.

Likewise he can hide his occasional Burger King sins! Though usually he can't contain himself and tells me 🤣

I don't know exactly where and what job DH is on this second but he's told me roughly what he's doing today (as he does every morning) and he knows roughly what I'm doing. When he's home from work he will tell me what he's done in his day. Not in a controlling overbearing way but because we talk to each other about what we've done. If he had seen any friends/family he would tell me about and vice versa as we'd be chatting about them - ie if o go to my nans he will ask how my nan is.

50/50 on bills, we earn roughly the same and put the same amount of money in our joint account each month. DH has packages delivered all the time, if its something interesting he will show me and he buys things for both of us that get delivered a lot that I have no idea about until he opens the package.

I wouldn't really think to order things and keep it a secret, but if its dc stuff I wouldn't tell him/not tell him but he would know if it came up in conversation.

We’re exceptionally involved in eachothers lives; we’re childhood sweethearts. We always know where the other is and what they’re doing and of course we have shared finances - always have done since becoming adults.

We also tell each other absolutely everything; there are no secrets between us. We know everything about each others family and life because we’ve been there for pretty much all of it together; every major life event either of us had had we’ve been there together for it

What works for one couple won’t work for another, so it’s about finding out what you’re happy with.

Do you always know where they are, and if not do they tell you? E.g would it bother you if they had stopped off to see friend/family on their way back from work and then came home and never mentioned it and you only found out when the friend/family member mentioned it to you in passing?

I know where he works and he tells me which site he'll be on each day. If he's stopping somewhere on his way home, he'll let me know. He always texts me when he finishes work each day. I work part-time so I'm always home before him - if I'm not going to be, I tell him.

Do you know what they spend their money on and how much they spend and do you ever ask if you see them with something new?

All his money goes on his hobby or car, really. He tells me when he's going to spend more than about £100 on something but what he spends his money on isn't really my business as long as the bills are paid.

Do you have individual savings or shared?

We have individual accounts, but we don't have children yet. When children come into the picture we'll get a joint account, but there's no real need for one at the moment.

Do they share private information relating to their friends and family?

Sometimes, but I wouldn't expect him to. His friends and family should be able to tell him stuff and trust that it stays private. He will tell me most things though as he's a bit of a gossip

I think some or most of these answers will differ if there are or are not children in a game. We don't have any. If we did, it might be different

I'd say we know what we're doing most of the time, because we talk to each other and things pop up. I cook most nights so if DH went off on an adventure without saying anything, I'd be a bit confused/put out if he just didn't turn up for tea. But we have young kids and I think that can change things. Pre kids, we did more separately and probably talked less about where we were, because we could, and didn't feel the need to come home and give the other parent a break!

We proportionately split bills and things, save some jointly, and then keep the rest in separate accounts as pocket money to do what we want with.

I tend to know where my DH - as he WFH that's not hard, if he goes away on business he'll tell me the name of the city/town out of interest but I wouldn't know exactly where he is. Same for me, he knows where I work (when not on furlough) ... if we go out we mention it just because it's something to talk about. Don't really share much info about family/friends - mainly because my DH isn't particularly interested in the details of people's personal lives I am nosey though. We often plan separate things to do, separate social events, holidays etc (in normal times) we are independent of each other but not secretive about what we do -it's all pretty dull stuff though!

Shared finances - both of us fairly frugal and focussed on saving for our pensions etc but freedom to buy whatever we want without 'asking'.

My partner works from home so I pretty much always know what's he is. I have been home furloughed for months so he has known where I am. I let him know if I'm going out. Prior to covid I would let him know if I wasn't in for tea after work but otherwise would stop off for coffee with family or freinds after work. Sometimes where I had been would crop up in conversation but he wouldn't necessarily ask.

I go off in the camper van for a few days here and there but always text him morning and night to let him know I'm ok and where I am.
Our finances are separate. I don't know what he earns or spends apart from I know he pays the bills. He doesn't know what I earn and spend beyond the weekly shopping.

I don't think there's any normal, just what works for you as a couple.

Pretty much always know where the other is/has been. Not at all controlling but we always ask what the other is up to that day/how their day's been and it comes up. I'd find it weird if he'd popped to see a friend and never mentioned it!

Same with spending, we just generally chat about what we're thinking of buying/doing. It is conversational though –we keep our money separate, so if he wants to drop $$$$ on something that's his business. I know not everyone operates like this, but I'd hate to consult him when I want to buy stuff. Furniture/stuff that's shared is discussed and split. It works for us and I'd say we're both quite generous despite a disparity in earnings –happy to shout for meals out / dates when the mood takes one of us.

My dh and I know where each other are all the time. We are very close, and there are a few other factors that come into play. We both have health problems, so there is always the chance that one of us could need help from the other. When my husband is out he will usually check I am OK by text and vise versa. None of it feels controlling and neither of us would ever tell the other they can't go somewhere, and it would not be a problem if he or I stopped somewhere and didn't mention it. It would just be unusual for that to happen.

Neither of us has anything to hide, so there is no reason for the other not to know where we are and who we are with. It also means we can juggle the kids between us, and they are with the parent that would find it the easiest in whatever situation we are in.

I think our health problems mean we have to work as more of a team to make sure the children are getting the best out of both of us. We communicate all the time so neither of us get completely burnt out or have to parent more than necessary if its a bad day healthwise for either of us.

I dont know how different it would be if we were both in good health.

We know each other’s whereabouts and things we’ve bought etc simply because we text/chat a lot throughout the day. So not in a controlling manner; it just comes up in conversation.

Neither of us feel we have to tell the other everything we do/where we go/who we see but we do tend to- just in conversation. If DH is planning to go somewhere/do something that might take a while when we would otherwise be together, or would impact on childcare/meal times etc he will always speak to me (and vice versa). This is not to get permission- just to check it's not going to clash with other plans (and to agree together what to do if it does).

We have joint savings and put most of our money in a joint account for bills etc but each keep back a small amount of what we earn.

If DH occasionally went to see someone eg one the way home from work and didn't mention it to me I wouldn't be bothered unless I had other reasons to be concerned or it made him late for something else. But if he made a habit of disappearing for hours after work without discussing it and leaving me to do the cooking/child care etc I would be having words about responsibilities.

Definitely very involved. I know where he is, he knows where I am. I would expect that if he or I went out and made extra stops, we'd tell the other. I would think it odd that he didn't mention it to me if he saw someone while out and I expect he would think the same -- we just tend to tell each other about our days.

Do you know what they spend their money on and how much they spend and do you ever ask if you see them with something new?

No, that we don't do. I manage the household finances, he takes a cut for himself and I don't ask. We have both individual and shared accounts -- no idea what's in his beyond the state of his retirement accounts & life insurance and I'm sure he has no idea what is in mine (he actually doesn't even check the joint one often and asks me what we have.) He is quite "gadget happy" and is a musician so there's always new gear, new electronics, etc. but those don't come out of the household budget so I don't always notice.

We're both pretty open with the other but it's by choice, not on command.