How involved are you in your other half's life?

[merrynelly]

Do you always know where they are, and if not do they tell you? E.g would it bother you if they had stopped off to see friend/family on their way back from work and then came home and never mentioned it and you only found out when the friend/family member mentioned it to you in passing? Do you know what they spend their money on and how much they spend and do you ever ask if you see them with something new? Do you have individual savings or shared? Do they share private information relating to their friends and family?

Very bizarre question I know, and I have no doubt it varies person to person, but I've been raised seeing an extremely dysfunctional relationship through my parents, and I'm trying to ascertain what is healthy/the norm and what is controlling/overbearing.

I think its fair to say my DH knows roughly where I am & vice versa, but only if he is here when I leave. ie, I will say "off the gym", or "off to the supermkt" as I leave, but I wouldn't ring him with the info unless I was away for hours.
He also goes to see friends & I have no idea until one of their wives mention it, I really couldn't care less. I do the same thing, but usually say "Oh I saw X today...."
Today for example, I knew he was going out fishing, but he didn't tell me "all day", (6am - 7 pm) I sort of grasped that bit of info by accident, so I said, "Lucky I heard you were going all day if not I would have worried about the boat sinking....."
I also go out for girls lunches, & say "I'm not here at lunch time...."
which seems courteous.
Money wise, we have some each, & some shared. All big expenses would be discussed, altho he did go & see a 2nd hand car recently without mentioning it, so I would have been shocked if he just showed up with a car he hadn't even spoken about, but it's his money & I wouldn't really be that bothered. However, did say, "were you really about to spend 30K without mentioning it ??"
Life is short, I wouldn't be happy having to justify my every move
we are both retired so the DC not involved..

I know where dh is to the extent that it affects our joint life together and children. Like, if he was going to stop off to see a friend after work, he would tell me because it would impact what time he'd be home or whether he'd be able to collect dc. But he often (pre-COVID, obviously) would meet a friend for lunch if they happened to be in the area for work. He'd probably tell me in conversation if he had lunch with a friend, but not in like a 'so you know where I was at 1pm' way but more in the sense of 'oh, you won't believe what John said today when I met him for lunch.' Our friends and family generally live quite far away so it would be something worth discussing if he saw one of them as doesn't happen every day.

I don't really know what he spends his money on and I'm not particularly interested. He doesn't know what I spend my money on either. We have a joint account for our joint expenses, but our personal accounts are just for us and we're both in a good place financially so wouldn't occur to me to ask about his spending or savings - as we both spend sensibly and we both put a bit into our own individual savings every month. When we need it, we transfer an equitable amount of money into our joint account for us both to use.

We do talk about friends and family, but we also have private relationships with them. I wouldn't expect him to share the details of everything he talked about with a friend with me. I don't always know if he's talked to family members or friends. We share as and when it seems appropriate, but we don't share everything with each other because that would seem a bit weird. I don't think dh would really want a replay of a conversation with one of my friends anyway.

It depends. This morning I took the dog to the vets for his booster jabs, obviously I told him this.
If I was just going to visit a friend, I wouldn't bother, unless something funny was said or done during the visit.
He always tells me where he's going out of common courtesy.
I have total control of the finances.

I dont know precisely where he is but I usually know roughly eg if he is playing club tennis I would know he had a match but I wouldn't necessarily know at which tennis club. He pops out at the weekend without telling me where he is going but I know it will be to one or two diy or garage type places. Equally, I might go out to the shops but not tell him which ones specifically.

He wouldn't visit a family member of friend simply because he is family is on the other side of the world and he doesn't have friends like that. He might mention bumping into someone but I would be far more likely to.

I know exactly what he spends and on what as we have a joint bank account. He does have some individual savings accounts but so do I. I dont particularly want to know what he has spent every penny on and neither does he about me.

He tells me stuff about his family as do I about mine. I dont have any reason to believe he is keeping anything back from me but obviously I cant know if he is.

I'd say we were fairly normal as a couple. The one thing we dont do which other people seem to do all the time is text each other constantly. I would find that suffocating. Texts are for necessary exchanges of information only.

Yes we each know all of those things and are both comfortable and happy that way.

Friends who enjoy being more separate have said we are “two halves of a whole”

We were both happy when we heard it. Some people would hate that though and that’s ok x

We have 100% joint finances except for a small equal allowance of personal spending money each month. I'm the "money manager" in the couple and send him a short email update every few months about savings and how much we've been spending. No idea if he reads every word but the info's there for him if he wants it!

I always know where he is and, crucially, what time to expect him back - and vice versa. If plans change, we text. It's not about asking permission, it's about informing each other so we can plan our days effectively and not be left hanging around. And so I know when I can start worrying that he's been run over!

We generally know where each other is but if one of us goes out to get some time alone it’s more “I’ll be back by X time”.

MIL and I joke that DH never tells me anything that’s going on in his family. We tell each other most things about our own lives.

Finances are completely shared. We won’t mention small things we’ve bought ourselves.

DH encourages me to tell him how I feel as I’ve had anxiety and not particularly emotionally supportive parents.

DH and I pretty much always know where the other is, we would worry if the other was "late" home, as we have an idea of what time the other would normally be home and we both have pick ups from Childcare so just stopping off would not be easy. That's not to say that if the other wanted to go out or something they couldn't but a call/text to the other would be expected.
We have joint accounts and savings as well as our own savings.
We pretty much always tell the other if we buy something, but we don't seek "permission" from the other unless it is something very big and is coming out of joint money.
We do pretty much tell each other everything, even family personal stuff, so I would find it odd if it wasn't shared but would assume there was good reason.

I generally know where DH is, most of the time, and if he's going somewhere on his way home or whatever he'll let me know, out of courtesy. Because we have kids, both work, and I do shifts, we don't generally disappear off spontaneously, anyway.

Finances are partly joint, partly independent - we have joint mortgage, savings and an account we pay bills from, but we have our own personal accounts and our money is our own to do with as we please, so long as we've each paid our share of the bills etc. I would never have entirely joint finances again, from bitter experience.

Myself an dmy husband usually have a coffee together first thing on a morning getting ready for the day ahead and the conversation usually goes like..what are you up to today? Err well after work i am off for a pint with xxx shall i bring dinner home with me?I will be home about 8ish..what are you doing today?Well Iafter work I am off for my hair done and a quick shop with xxxx maybe a drink reckon I will be in for 8 ish too....and thats about it really! Its just courtesy on our part towards each other.I would have no clue if he had 2 drinks or 200 or how much it cost and I wouldnt ask. He would have no clue how much my shoes were or hair do he wouldnt ask.I would tell him if he did no problem there at all. I know how much we have in wages and savings or lack of! We pay the bills and then whats left is left,,we both have seperate credit cards to manage and they are sorted once a month when we do the bills. It works for us. I also wouldnt consult him on issues like needing a new washing machine etc or cooker that kind of expense but i would say the washer has had it I need to get a new one and we would be a bit more careful with our spends that month to pay for it.

Very involved. Each of us always knows where the other one is and we do tend to tell each other about things we've bought etc. But none of that is because we have an expectation that we should be told these things or that we are remotely keen to control what the other one does or spends. We just aren't particularly private people and we tend to chat about stuff.

Seeing family, going out independently, spending money on purchases etc just aren't things that it would remotely occur to us to want privacy about.

We don't always know where each other is but would mention it at the end of the day when chatting. For example if I take DS out I might say where I'm going, but wouldn't be weird not to and I wouldn't feel the need to tell him if plans changed. If I had a very busy day at work I wouldn't relay everything I'd done and seen. But would probably mentioned stopping off at a friend's, and definitely would if he asked what I'd done or where I'd been.

I think I find live updates overbearing, but not mentioning at all if frequent a bit odd.

I wouldn't mind the occasional not telling me if unimportant or tired or whatever, but if I never knew what he'd been up to I'd find that weird.

No joint finances, but joint mortgage and share expenses.

Do you always know where they are, and if not do they tell you? E.g would it bother you if they had stopped off to see friend/family on their way back from work and then came home and never mentioned it and you only found out when the friend/family member mentioned it to you in passing?

Yes I usually know where he is and yes he would normally tell me. It wouldn't bother me at all if he stopped off to see friends / family on the way home and he certainly wouldn't need my permission.

If the visit was planned he'd probably mention it before he set off. If it wasn't planned he would probably send a quick text so I'd know he would be late home. If he saw someone at lunchtime, he'd usually mention it in passing conversation when I saw him later.

Likewise I'd mention if I had plans in advance and text if I (for instance) decided to go for a drink after work (post-Lockdown).

Do you know what they spend their money on and how much they spend and do you ever ask if you see them with something new?

I wouldn't care or need to know how much he's spent on most things. Just like I don't tell him every time I buy something.

We live together so we see when the other gets deliveries - and no one is hiding anything so yes I know what he spends his money on as it all appears in our house.

But I wouldn't ask how much he's spent each time (although I do sometimes tease about how much he spends on his hobby and he knows I have an incurable hardback book habit).

If it's an enormous cost like a car I would expect us to discuss that as a family. And of course I know how much he spends on school fees (he has two daughters from a previous marriage), which is easily his biggest outgoing. I also know how much we as a family spend on rent / food / bills etc as these are shared costs.

So yes - I generally know what he spends his money on, I don't ask how much (but I could probably make an educated guess).

BUT we are relatively comfortable and each have our own cash. If we needed to budget more stringently (as many families do) then I'd expect more discussion around mid-price things potentially - for both him and me. We both earn, him slightly more than me but not by loads.

Do you have individual savings or shared?

We both save into ISAs separately, and pensions separately. But we are still saving for common goals. For instance we would like to buy a house and are both saving towards that. He know what I save and I know what he saves and how we're tracking towards the deposit we will need.

Do they share private information relating to their friends and family?

It would depend what it was and who it was, but generally yes. I think if someone had specifically asked him not to tell anyone then he would keep that confidence, but we're generally quite chatty about most things in life and don't really keep secrets.

We know where each other are to a degree. He's a tattoo artist so when he goes to work he stays there all day and doesn't generally leave for his lunch, I'm a housewife and will let him know what I'm doing and where I'm going in the day. It wouldn't bother me if he'd visited friends/family without me knowing and vice versa.

We have a shared account, no individual savings or anything. We have a very loose budget and generally budget for more spending than we'll use and the rest goes into savings at the end of the month. If I saw he had something new I wouldn't think much of it, we generally get excited about packages and new things and share with each other anyway. We don't consider his income only his money, it's shared as he financially supports me so we don't nitpick over what each of us buys.

I'm NC with my family and have been since before I met DH, but he knows everything to do with that and I talk openly about my family. I'm very involved with his family, I babysit for his Dsis often and get on very well with my in-laws. They include me in all family matters and I know any family secrets or rumours.

We have a very strong relationship and communicate well so nothing is off limits. However we both understand if there are some subjects that are upsetting or we don't want to discuss at length. We don't need to know all of these things about each other but choose to share them. I wouldn't be upset if he didn't tell me what he did at work, or who he saw.

This could actually get really weird as life starts to return to normal.

Pre covid, we would need to say if we were going to be late back from work to make sure one of us was home for the kids. But we wouldn’t always say what we were doing, just a simple I’m going to be out will you be home type thing and if we were both out we’d ask our nanny to work late. If OH was away with work I wouldn’t always bother to tell him I was going to be out.

We were so busy, mainly with work related stuff that we didn’t tell each other every thing we were up to.

I was on maternity leave from Jan 2020 and now we both wfh for the time being. We’re very much not used to going out! The thought of going out is so alien I can’t imagine not mentioning it at the moment, but I guess we’ll get back to some level of normal eventually.

I always know where he is. He’s usually at work, the supermarket or his Grandad’s house. If he goes anywhere more interesting then he lets me know. I don’t go anywhere exciting at all so he always knows where I am too. We don’t run every purchase past each other because that’s a bit weird.

We pretty much always know where each other are, but to be fair we’re both homebodies, even in non covid times, so we don’t go loads of places!

We do tell each other information about friends and chat about them, but also it’s ok to keep secrets. My best friend texted me when she was doing a pregnancy test so I was literally the first person to know, even before her husband. She asked me not to tell anyone else, even my partner, and when he asked later what we’d been talking about I told him it was private and he accepted that.

Savings wise, they’re all in my name and I manage them because DP has no interest in/knowledge of personal finance. He knows how much we have and what it’s earmarked for, we would discuss any large purchases.

We know the passwords to each other’s phones but wouldn’t read each other’s texts or anything.

Basically we chat constantly so we know everything that’s going on in each other’s lives, but it’s not a control thing and neither of us would mind if the other wanted something to be more private.

My husband and I would most probably know where each other were, and if one of us did something or went somewhere unusual it would come up in conversation as it would be something interesting to talk about. It’s not a case of one or the other of us demanding to know, but just that we like to share our days with each other. If my husband did go somewhere and not tell me I wouldn’t worry about it, I might be a bit miffed if he denied it but would assume he was sorting out my birthday pressie or something

I normally know where my partner is. If they pop out and see a friend they would probably mention it next time l saw them. We both work shifts so quite often have days off alone.
We have joint and seperate savings. We only discuss big purchases. I would mention if l had ordered new clothes but don't have to.
We pretty involved in each others lives really.

To an extent. We have a busy homelife and split everything 50/50, so if one isn't going to be home they will tell the other out of basic common courtesy. I would necessarily know where/who until we were chatting about our day much later on though.

We've got dc so we need to know what the other is doing from a logistics/childcare perspective. On my school run days I don't give any thought to what time dh will be home, I always cook something that can be heated up for him anyway so he could have a whole second life between 5pm-7pm and I'd probably never question it! But for going out in the evening it's just common courtesy to say I'm going out on Tuesday with X, is that okay, rather than assuming the other one is fine to look after dc.

We only have one bank account. DH hardly ever looks at it. We would discuss big purchases because they'd probably be for both of us, ie furniture, holidays etc. I wouldn't ask him before spending £100 on clothes though.

Bit different now as we have both been wfh for a year, and we try to go out for an hour's walk when we cab every day.
That gives us a LOT more time than normal when we would just be together, talking to one another, so actually, this last few months it would probs be odd if it didn't come up in conversation that one of us had seen so-and-so or that thingambebob called or that they'd been told this bit of news about whatshisname.
Prior to COVID though, we'd both be out more, and away from home more, and those minor, unimportant details wouldn't have necessarily come up.
If one of us were going to be later home than expected, we'd mention it, but the miniscule detail about his day, or the detail about my day wouldn't be that interesting to the other one in terms of the amount of headspace we have left after other, more important things. It's not that is it 'secret', or kept from one another, it just doesn't hit the top of the list of things we'd need to tell each other.
It is easier to be more relaxed once the dc are oder and you aren't so reliant on being a tag team of course.
Re money. All money that comes in to the household is family money, and then we each have some "spending money" every month that we can do what we want with. So, the priority has always been the bills, then the dc and savings, family things such as holidays, but we've each got a bit to "waste" on something the other one wouldn't prioritise.

If he is out running errands I might not know which store he is at each moment, but I know what type of errands he is running and roughly when he will return. If he was going to stop somewhere on the way home from work he would of course let me know. We have joint accounts and discuss large purchases in advance. . Small purchases we just make.

That all seems perfectly normal to me.

God you asking that question has made me realise how much time we spend together.

Both wfh at the moment so we are both in the house all day. He doesn't drive so he never goes anywhere without me knowing as I either take him or he takes the bus, but tells me anyway. He knows I go to see my horse every morning and night (sometimes that can be half an hour and he'll be shocked to see me so soon, sometimes 4 hours pass and he messages me to check I haven't died). Horse people will understand that one more I guess.

Finances, we share the same bank account and have a savings account. I handle all finances as I like too. Our savings account is actually my old savings account which he doesn't have access to so really he's putting a lot of trust in me not to scarper. I really need to get that changed.

Even before covid and I imagine after, we will know where each are and what we are doing. It's more just informational I guess. It's a habit of mine from having a horse, make sure someone knows where you are and how long you'll be so if you're gone longer, they know roughly where to start looking.

I can gauge his mood by whether he tells me where he's off to (good mood) or not (not). I would feel rude if I went out and didn't tell him / leave him a note.