To think DS13 is lying about having sex?

[Triskelis238]

DS13 used my laptop earlier as his phone was dead. When I used it later, a private message notification popped up saying "woah I can't believe you lost your v card". I clicked on it and saw it was a chat he had going with his mates where he was bragging about having lost his virginity at a party at the weekend. A party that DH and I were at, along with the rest of his siblings. Initially I was horrified, he's 13! But having thought some more, I genuinely can't see how he could have? There were families everywhere, kids running about, it was hardly a rave. Unless he sneaked off for a bit? I admit there were periods where I didn't see him, so it's not beyond the realm of possibility. My question now is, do I ignore it as its obviously bs to look cool, or do I sit him down and have a chat? And if he is telling the truth, what on earth do I do??

Not in the uk, so no covid lockdown rules.

(Not that girls are much less cruel, in their particular way).

Fgs just talk to him

Tell him you saw the message and your unimpressed with his bragging to his mates, it's totally disrespectful to the girl.

Then tell him to make sure he uses condoms, give him some. If he had had sex, it might stop unwanted pregnancy, if he hasn't it might make him think.

Let him talk to you

Why on earth is you son not the vulnerable party here? I became aware (via a friend of his messaging me) of ds 15 at the time having been groomed by a 40 year old friend of the family and sex taking place at a family gathering. It was one of the most horrific moments of our families life. The fallout was tremendous with her marriage breaking down. Of course ds was all bravado...initially. Over 10 years later he's fine now, but even so.

You need to talk to him. Probably he’s lying or exaggerating but there is a chance he is not. I had a friend at college who lost her virginity, aged 17, to a 13-year-old boy. At the time we all thought it was weird she’d gone with a boy so much younger but didn’t think much more of it but now looking back I realise how wrong if her that was and think how he was the victim; she was desperate not to be the last in our friend group to use her virginity so I think she pushed him to have sex so she could get it over with. Don’t assume that just because there was no one his age at the party it means he couldn’t have had sex or assume that just because he’s bragging he hasn’t been taken advantage of.

Talk to your son but make sure that you go into the conversation with an open mind and not automatically assuming he’s in the wrong. If you can’t listen to him before making a judgement then he won’t be likely to open up to you in the future.

@Triskelis238

A criminal offence? As far as I can tell the girl doesn't exist, and IF she does, the only likely possibility would be the girl he met the other week who is the same age as him.

Sex with a 13 yr old is a criminal offence in this country if not in yours.

You are naive to think he could only have had sex with a little girl.

. There were adult women present. And adult males.

I lied about losing my virginity at 14. All it got me was a bad reputation and attention from the wrong kind of boys / men (actually that’s probably another one for the biggest regrets thread..) So I wouldn’t assume that if he’s making it up it’s all ok, as there could still be consequences. I have some sympathy for him though, as there is a lot of pressure on boys. I know Ds1 got a lot of stick - “banter” - for being one of the last in his friendship group, and I’m sure he must have been tempted to make something up at times. But you need to have the awkward conversation with him, and be prepared for future awkward conversations, because he needs to know he can tell you anything.

You need to ask him outright! I think it's disgusting that you've told him how damaging underage sex is for the Girl, what about him? What if he's being groomed and the girl is in fact a woman or what if the girls even younger? The only way to know is to have a real conversation with him. Then go over consent/STIs/contraception/LAW.

Chances are he is lying but it's also very possible he isn't. Like pps have said, we all know many people who had sex at 13 with other 13 year olds.

This sums up very well the conversation that has been sparked in the last few days around behaviour of teens at schools, and underlines why it’s important for you to have this conversation OP.

@requitalissima

Having sex at 13 or thereabouts is so fucked up. What sort of upbringing did the ones who had sex at that age, had, I truly wonder. Sick and sordid.

I remember a comment you made on another thread about fucking a teenager when you were twice his age.

Sick and sordid. Where did your parents go so, so wrong?

I’m amazed you’re so chilled op. He’s a child!

I realise that this has brought up huge trauma for you, and this is where your partner needs to stop being useless and step up here by your side.

It's 99% certain that he's lying, but that in itself could have terrible repercussions for the girl he met last week if he decides to name her.

If he's making up stuff to impress his mates he needs a tough lesson on acceptable ways to talk about things that involve OTHER people, and it needs to be impressed upon him that he will bring down the wrath of GOD upon his head if he names this girl he met in this fantasy sex life he is claiming to have.

@Benjispruce2

I’m amazed you’re so chilled op. He’s a child!

But he’s a boy.Those nasty boys don’t matter.

Party? No lockdown in your area?

@IsThePopeCatholic

Party? No lockdown in your area?

At least do the OP the courtesy of reading to the end of her opening post @IsThePopeCatholic.

@IsThePopeCatholic

Party? No lockdown in your area?

Haven't you made yourself look like a dick 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hey OP, hope you’re ok. Must have been really shocking to read. Sorry you’re getting so much stick in the posts. Teenagers can be so shocking and I think your reaction is in line with what most people’s would be. Shock followed by ‘what the hell’

Have the conversation, get his response. Whatever it is, you’ll want to talk about consent, respect, health and boundaries.

@FortunesFave

Definite shades of The Inbetweeners there....lying.

Love this!

I've a ds the same age. Assuming it's made-up, I would be angry about the bragging but also wondering what the friendship groups were like in terms of peer pressure - how much pressure was being put on him to fit in, did all his friends claim to be having sex, what was he worrying about them saying if he continues to be a virgin. And help him find ways to deal with this that don't involve lying about some poor girl.
Thankfully I'm not so worried about my ds having sex for some time as he wouldn't want to put his Xbox controller down long enough to do the deed. 13 can be very young still.

@Tonty
Where did anyone say that?

I agree with you op, the most likely thing is he is full of shit - and if so it’s actually quite funny.

But if he isn’t you need to establish what is going on.

Approach it gently. Explain he forgot to shut down the computer and you were quite shocked by what you saw. Then silence. Let him talk, explain. Ask follow up questions sparingly and into when he has stopped talking.

Then deal with whatever you learn.

@requitalissima

Having sex at 13 or thereabouts is so fucked up. What sort of upbringing did the ones who had sex at that age, had, I truly wonder. Sick and sordid.

Kids don't just have sex because of abuse you know. Some of them do it because they think it might be fine they want to be grown up, they're surging with hormones, there's peer pressure, they want to fit in.

Would I kill my son of he was 13? Yes.
Would it mean he was living in an abusive househould? No and it's hugely offensive to suggest so

Incidentally, I'm really enjoying all the shits and giggles people are having about a situation where a 13-year-old boy may, for want of a better word, been sexually abused.

At the end of the day (i) we don't know who the other party is and (ii) kids can't consent.

If the OP's son was substituted by a 13-year-old girl, there would be all kinds of alarm bells ringing. But a 13-year-old boy gets compared to Jay from the Inbetweeners.

Same old shitty fucking Mumsnet.

I'd be mortified.

Op are you not worried your 13 year old has been abused/groomed?!

[quote Coronawireless]@Tonty
Where did anyone say that?[/quote]
Tonty has decided earlier in the thread that because Op is more aware of the damage to girls given her own history and referred to her son lying about having sex as being 99% full of shit that she actually hates him