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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DS13 is lying about having sex?

151 replies

Triskelis238 · 29/03/2021 11:38

DS13 used my laptop earlier as his phone was dead. When I used it later, a private message notification popped up saying "woah I can't believe you lost your v card". I clicked on it and saw it was a chat he had going with his mates where he was bragging about having lost his virginity at a party at the weekend. A party that DH and I were at, along with the rest of his siblings. Initially I was horrified, he's 13! But having thought some more, I genuinely can't see how he could have? There were families everywhere, kids running about, it was hardly a rave. Unless he sneaked off for a bit? I admit there were periods where I didn't see him, so it's not beyond the realm of possibility. My question now is, do I ignore it as its obviously bs to look cool, or do I sit him down and have a chat? And if he is telling the truth, what on earth do I do??

Not in the uk, so no covid lockdown rules.

OP posts:

thedancingbear · 29/03/2021 13:37

@skeggycaggy

I've always been very clear that underage sex is hugely damaging to girls, and if he has any respect for a girl he will wait untill they are older.

What about for boys?

They don't count, obviously.

Their mental health can go to shit for all we care.

Same old MN.

TheThermalStair · 29/03/2021 13:39

I think you should approach it as if he were a girl in this situation. Boys can be vulnerable too, including having sex with older girls. Certainly at my secondary school there were some relationships across 2 school years. Think of your DS as a child, who has either been silly or perhaps got out of his depth, and initially don't go in all guns blazing just try to establish the truth.

"I have heard about what happened on Saturday" and take it from there.

ConsuelaHammock · 29/03/2021 13:48

Ask him about the message on your computer ? He’s 13 , he gets complete privacy on devices when he’s paying his own phone bill. And it wasn’t his phone anyway . What are you afraid of ? He’s a child, be his mother and have a stern word with him.
Scare the bejesus out of him with news stories about 13 year old mums and dads etc .

HaveringWavering · 29/03/2021 13:50

It’s actually really topical given the news around “Everyone’s Invited” at the moment. Lots of stories emerging about teen boys bragging re having sex with girls, asking for naked pictures and slut shaming them when they reply, parties where drunk girls are co-erced into sex- I am not saying that this is what happened at your family party OP, but there is clearly an idea in the boys’ minds that this sort of thing does go on at some parties. It makes it all the more important to talk to him as you have identified that he is becoming part of a culture that normalises that sort of talk- then as they get older it normalises the actions too.

5zeds · 29/03/2021 14:05

@SleepingStandingUp the girl he said he had sex with. Either he didn’t and std check/school/condom talk/finding the girl will get him to explain himself OR there is another victim this scenario.

nancywhitehead · 29/03/2021 14:33

@Triskelis238

Tbh, I think what I'm struggling with is the anger and despair I feel at having raised a son who thinks this behaviour is ok. I had a horrific upbringing with childhood sexual abuse and rape in my teens, and I'm unsure how to have this conversation with him, without all my past trauma clouding my reasoning.

Yes. It didn't surprise me to read this and I think you are already letting your past experience cloud your reasoning by implying that he is in the wrong somehow. You said "My DS is not the vulnerable party here, the possible girl most certainly is" which is a bit concerning. Why do you think your DS isn't vulnerable? Why do you think he's mistreating a girl?

He's probably just experiencing a lot of peer pressure around sex at the moment and so has made something up to impress his friends.

He's 13. He's not done anything wrong and you really need to avoid demonising him for being male - that is one thing that just leads young kids to develop issues.

He's feeling his way with all of this stuff, like everyone at his age, and he probably just needs a conversation with a reasonable adult about all of this. Can his dad talk to him?

User43333 · 29/03/2021 14:37

I would talk to him about it.

requitalissima · 29/03/2021 14:38

Having sex at 13 or thereabouts is so fucked up. What sort of upbringing did the ones who had sex at that age, had, I truly wonder.
Sick and sordid.

jessstan2 · 29/03/2021 14:41

lavenderlou Mon 29-Mar-21 14:15:18
I think even 13 is too young to really make an informed choice about whether you really want to live away from home. How easy is it in reality to tell your parents you've changed your mind and get a place elsewhere if you don't like it?
.........
Bless you, I know exactly what you mean. Perhaps dad is the best person to have a word.

I doubt very much your son has had sex though.

nancywhitehead · 29/03/2021 14:41

@requitalissima

Having sex at 13 or thereabouts is so fucked up. What sort of upbringing did the ones who had sex at that age, had, I truly wonder. Sick and sordid.

It's more normal than you might think and has very little to do with upbringing. 13 is when puberty happens and when people are beginning to develop sexual feelings, so it's not surprising that some people of that age experiment and yes even have sex. They need to be informed and protected as much as possible but you will never stop it happening. You have your head in the sand if you deny it or call it "sick", it's just life.

BiBabbles · 29/03/2021 14:43

YANBU to think (or hoping) he's likely lying, but it would be U to not consider he's telling the truth. As pps said, I'd start the conversation, similar to how you would if he was a girl, by discussing that he'd left X programme that gave the notification running on your laptop and taking it from there. I had multiple awkward conversations at that age with DS1 that started with 'So I was trying to find something in the History, and...'

There is also “Everyone’s Invited" widely being talked about which could give you an in to the conversation and recent issues or Breck's last game. My DS1 watched it around that age which led into different risks, and different messages around boys and sex vs reality and risks.

I think it's U to assume that your perception that the older girls as being 'waaaay out of his league' would have anything to do with whether that's a possibility - that has nothing to do with whether they could target him. Plenty of people refer to adult women as girls, so wouldn't use that to automatically dismiss that as a possibility, just as much as others suggest it could be someone younger. For now, it's anyone's guess who it could be, if it even happened.

It's unreasonable to frame the damages of underage sex as only happening to girls. However unlikely, it's hopefully not what happened, but it's U to discount the possibility or to assume it's isn't realistic to assume he could be the vulnerable party just because he's a boy. There are plenty of heartbreaking, tragic cases where that wasn't true, plenty of men who have to deal with issues from being a boy being taught he couldn't be the victim, that as a male of course he was up for it... we can recognize girls are at greater risk without pretending it's unreasonable to think a boy could be at risk too.

Crabbypaddy · 29/03/2021 14:44

I call bullshit haha

LST · 29/03/2021 14:45

@requitalissima

Having sex at 13 or thereabouts is so fucked up. What sort of upbringing did the ones who had sex at that age, had, I truly wonder. Sick and sordid.

Has nothing to do with upbringing. And it is a lot more common than you think. Granted it was 16 years ago since I was 14, but I went to a good Catholic school and by year 11 I'd say half my form had either had sex

CarnationCat · 29/03/2021 14:47

I would sit him down, tell him what you've seen and ask him if it's true.

You need to know whether it's true. If it is, you need to have some more serious conversations with him especially about protection. Also, you need to know who the other person was. If there were adults at the party, there is the possibility that it could have been an adult.

PerspicaciousGreen · 29/03/2021 14:53

Gosh, it makes me really sad to think of either your 13yo doing it at a family party or him pretending that he did. But teenagers are weird things. Status with friends can be everything and I definitely had some odd ideas about who was doing what even if I wasn't.

I really think you need to talk to him. I don't have much advice about how, but I don't think you necessarily need to bring up the messages. It could just be another Talk about how you know he'll be interested in that sort of thing and how important it is to be respectful and truthful, and how people aren't getting up to half the things they say they are. I mean, son, imagine if one of your friends said they'd lost their virginity at a family party...

I'd be worried about him watching porn too, and the ideas he might be getting.

Coronawireless · 29/03/2021 14:59

@skeggycaggy

I've always been very clear that underage sex is hugely damaging to girls, and if he has any respect for a girl he will wait untill they are older.

What about for boys?

Oh dear. While it’s not deal for either, it’s disingenuous to say there is NO difference between girls and boys. Boys are more guaranteed to enjoy the experience and less likely to contract an STD which may cause lifelong issues and a loss of fertility. Boys also, as far as I know, cannot get pregnant.

Norwaydidnthappen · 29/03/2021 14:59

I would have confronted my DS as soon as I saw the message tbh. My DS is 11 and the thought of him having sex in 2 years is pretty horrifying, it’s far too young. It sounds like your DS is lying but you still need to sit and have a chat with him about it.

skeggycaggy · 29/03/2021 15:10

Coronawireless sure, but would you actually say to your son ‘look son, it’s all rosy for you, boys can do anything sexual any time, just have a thought about the girls’?

Coronawireless · 29/03/2021 15:11

No. Re-read my above message.

Derbee · 29/03/2021 15:11

I think what you are teaching your son about sex is horrific. That males control it, it can only be damaging to women, and you need to watch the clock until they’re old enough to fuck them without consequence.

Your time would be much better spent teaching him about consent, respect, relationships, physical intimacy, emotional intimacy.

Derbee · 29/03/2021 15:12

A more simple starting point is that sex is emotionally damaging to CHILDREN of 13 years old, rather than GIRLS

skeggycaggy · 29/03/2021 15:17

@Coronawireless

No. Re-read my above message.

Well, I didn’t state there was no difference, I queried the OP’s reporting of her sex talk with her son which I think miss out key dynamics of healthy, respectful relationships. I don’t think sex should be presented as being under male control, with the only concern being the age of the female.

Coronawireless · 29/03/2021 15:17

@Derbee

A more simple starting point is that sex is emotionally damaging to CHILDREN of 13 years old, rather than GIRLS

Emotionally damaging to both, sure. Physically girls have even more to lose. While being far less likely to get any pleasure out of it. So while a boy might decide he’s up for the risk to his emotional health, it does no harm to remind them that their female underage partner has fewer benefits and further risks to consider. How can boys OR girls be expected to know this if no adult tells them?

bluebluezoo · 29/03/2021 15:22

All the other girls at the party were either below 11 and he was acting to cool to hang out with them or over 15 and waaaay out of his league

He’s 13? So this supposed sexual encounter was either with a girl under 11, or over 15?

That is not the same age. He’s either taken advantage or been taken advantage of.

MarshmallowAra · 29/03/2021 15:24

Probably just some bullshit to get his "mates" off his back and disable them being able to use the word virgin in the horrendous "banter" that boys inflict upon each other.

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