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Original poster

To think DS13 is lying about having sex?

151 replies

Triskelis238 · 29/03/2021 11:38

DS13 used my laptop earlier as his phone was dead. When I used it later, a private message notification popped up saying "woah I can't believe you lost your v card". I clicked on it and saw it was a chat he had going with his mates where he was bragging about having lost his virginity at a party at the weekend. A party that DH and I were at, along with the rest of his siblings. Initially I was horrified, he's 13! But having thought some more, I genuinely can't see how he could have? There were families everywhere, kids running about, it was hardly a rave. Unless he sneaked off for a bit? I admit there were periods where I didn't see him, so it's not beyond the realm of possibility. My question now is, do I ignore it as its obviously bs to look cool, or do I sit him down and have a chat? And if he is telling the truth, what on earth do I do??

Not in the uk, so no covid lockdown rules.

OP posts:
Original poster
Triskelis238 · 29/03/2021 12:03

My DS is not the vulnerable party here, the possible girl most certainly is. Let's be realistic.

OP posts:
LST · 29/03/2021 12:03

Probably bs. But still worth a talk. I was securely active at 14 but with a boy slightly older. He needs to know that either way (lying or bragging) is not OK.

Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2021 12:04

He probably hasn’t told his mates that his mum was at this “party” either
Sounds like bull

greeneyedlulu · 29/03/2021 12:06

I would be honest about seeing the message/chat thread, it popped up and you saw it, no point lying about that part and ask him outright.

Notjustanymum · 29/03/2021 12:06

Maybe he’s lying. Whatever, it’s a great ice-breaker to start a conversation with him about this topic!

MathildasMummy · 29/03/2021 12:07

Are you in the UK @Triskelis238

If so, how did you all go to a party during lockdown? Hmm

MathildasMummy · 29/03/2021 12:08

Ah, saw your final line. Not in UK.

As you were :)

TakeYourFinalPosition · 29/03/2021 12:09

@MathildasMummy

Are you in the UK *@Triskelis238*

If so, how did you all go to a party during lockdown? Hmm

The bottom line of the OP says that she is not in the UK, and therefore no lockdown rules
Original poster
Triskelis238 · 29/03/2021 12:09

How on earth do I have this conversation? 'Btw, saw you were bragging about losing your v card, do you realise you're underage, its illegal, and its not ok to treat girls like shit by bragging to your mates"??

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 29/03/2021 12:10

Talk to him

Either its a lie (most likely) but he needs to know its not ok, and potentially he's going to pushed to name a girl and that's really not ok.

Or it did happen, and he's abused someone younger or has been advised by someone younger. I agree its v unlikely but I don't think you should ignore it just because its unlikely.

Go with direct? When you used my laptop, you didn't log off. I saw your message to Jai about losing your virginity. I want to know what's going on.

Abfabfanjo · 29/03/2021 12:10

I would ignore it, to be honest. He'll be embarrassed you've seen the message, and worried you might tell his mates he's lying about having sex. If he'd been to a gathering at a friend's house and alcohol had been consumed, I'd be more inclined to believe it.

Incidentally, you're obviously not in the UK if you've been attending a big family party, I am so jealous! I miss my family so, so much.

swg1 · 29/03/2021 12:12

@Triskelis238

My DS is not the vulnerable party here, the possible girl most certainly is. Let's be realistic.
You do realise that unless he was more specific it may not be a girl.. And if the likely option is a girl two or more years older he most definitely is vulnerable.
Original poster
Triskelis238 · 29/03/2021 12:13

Tbh, I think what I'm struggling with is the anger and despair I feel at having raised a son who thinks this behaviour is ok. I had a horrific upbringing with childhood sexual abuse and rape in my teens, and I'm unsure how to have this conversation with him, without all my past trauma clouding my reasoning.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 29/03/2021 12:14

Does he know you saw the message?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 29/03/2021 12:15

I've always been very clear that underage sex is hugely damaging to girls, and if he has any respect for a girl he will wait untill they are older.

That feels like a really weird way to explain it to a teenage boy. It's not incorrect, but he's 13... it's not the most compelling argument. As a 13-year-old girl, I'd have been adamant that I was "older", and that it wouldn't be damaging.

I wasn't a great teen, and it's certainly possible that he lost his virginity in very little time at a party... but it's also very possible that he's bragging and make it all up. Or that the truth is somewhere in the middle, and something happened, but not sex.

I think I'd be revisiting the sex conversation to make it clear that the repercussions would be his, as well as the girls, and they could be severe... changing the angle from not having sex with girls to protect them, to not having sex because it's not a good idea at 13, and then leading into a conversation about protection.

My school were pretty good at this. They made protection available, but were very clear that even if used perfectly, it's not flawless, and mistakes made would stay with us for a long time.

I can't say it stopped me having sex - but I had a pretty messed up childhood. But it did mean that it was always protected, and I knew where to get help if I needed it.

Original poster
Triskelis238 · 29/03/2021 12:16

It was definitely a girl he was talking about. Tbh I wouldn't be as bothered if it were just him and a male friend messing about.

OP posts:
Twoforthree · 29/03/2021 12:17

Try to keep it unemotional but factual, if you do decide to talk to him.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 29/03/2021 12:18

If he did, it's not okay for him (underage) and not ok for the girl/woman (maybe underage but definitely disrespected).

If he didn't it's not ok to lie like that and perpetuate the brag that is essentially disclosing the private matter of another party if it was true.

He clearly needs some serious speaking to from a number of angles.

skeggycaggy · 29/03/2021 12:18

JamesMiddleton no, not what about the boyz, but I find this messaging weird. Boys can have sex any time any age without concern but it might be bad for a girl? Confused

SleepingStandingUp · 29/03/2021 12:19

Is his Dad around op? Could he talk to him? The fact you see a 13 yo girl / boy having sex as damaging and something being done TO her, whereas two 13 yo boys doing it is fine does show you can't extricate your past from this scenario right now. So I'd see if someone else can you can be more rational. I'm not having ago, you're obv experienced a lot of trauma but you're right to not want to pile that on your teen

EvilOnion · 29/03/2021 12:19

I'd be open about it, explain that you didn't mean to invade his privacy and your not angry but you saw his messages as he didn't log off and you want to discuss what you saw.

I lost my virginity at 13 to a boy the same age and don't think of it as particularly damaging tbh so it's not necessarily a big traumatic thing either.

My main concern would be that he is lying and will name someone, this happened at my school with a girl naming a boy the year above who had no idea who she was. It followed him for years and speaking to him as an adult he has said it had a big impact on him. I dread to think how that would play out with social media nowadays!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 29/03/2021 12:21

It probably IS bull

BUT I don't think you can assume it is...

I would start off by saying...there's some rumours circulating that you've lost your virginity....

Yes...many boys and girls are physically able to have sex...but is illegal in many countries.

I would not just reinforce the std chat...but also talk about the emotional consequences....ESP re boasting...

Also..I'd be very clear...IF he had sex and it was unprotected...OR there was an accident with contraception...which is much easier when you're starting out ....

A quick list I've known of ...I used to work with kids...

Condoms rupturing...or used twice...or using cling film as a.condom.

Girls taking the pill ...but only when they have sex...or using it as a pessary....or tkaing it properly and getting very drunk and throwing up....so not protected....

Nature has a way of ensuring girls.becoming pregnant...

I would really force home the issue...if a girl got pregnant by him....he would be tied to a baby and the baby mother for at least 18 years...

He would have NO control.over whether the pregnancy continued....so he could become a dad without intending to ..
Simply because he was experimenting....

So that means if he was being a proper dad ....it would mean he couldn't just do what he fancied..
It would be much more difficult to go to uni or go travelling and any income ...the first claim on his money would rightfully be the baby...

Frighten him..

Its what my mum did to me and my brother...it worked.

AmelieTaylor · 29/03/2021 12:22

@Triskelis238

How on earth do I have this conversation? 'Btw, saw you were bragging about losing your v card, do you realise you're underage, its illegal, and its not ok to treat girls like shit by bragging to your mates"??
Seems like as good a start as any...

Then get the truth out of him & redo the respect/condoms/consent/STI chat.

IF on the off chance it is true, you need to find out if it was one of the slightly older girls or one of the younger girls and deal with it appropriately.

13 year olds do have sex and in houses that are busy with parents, siblings around and parties going on. They do not need the ideal time & location!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 29/03/2021 12:22

@leafinthewind

Talk to him. He's 13. He needs to know either that it's not something to lie OR that it's something that could get him into huge trouble. Or both!
You and his Dad both need to talk with him -- not to him, If he is lying (90% likely) he needs to know that is not an acceptable thing to brag about - especially if he names a girl and harms her reputation. If he is telling the truth then a trip to the GP for STD testing and a session with Dad on the proper use of condoms. If by chance you are Catholic, a trip to confession is also in order for the lie or the act!
Blustered · 29/03/2021 12:22

Why is there not a chance? Dh lost his virginity at 12. I think that’s awful and so does he now but it happens. I would talk to him, not about the message you saw, but about safe and consenting sex if you haven’t already. And make him aware that he and quite likely she, are below the age for consent. Of course he could just be making it up too!