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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DS13 is lying about having sex?

151 replies

Triskelis238 · 29/03/2021 11:38

DS13 used my laptop earlier as his phone was dead. When I used it later, a private message notification popped up saying "woah I can't believe you lost your v card". I clicked on it and saw it was a chat he had going with his mates where he was bragging about having lost his virginity at a party at the weekend. A party that DH and I were at, along with the rest of his siblings. Initially I was horrified, he's 13! But having thought some more, I genuinely can't see how he could have? There were families everywhere, kids running about, it was hardly a rave. Unless he sneaked off for a bit? I admit there were periods where I didn't see him, so it's not beyond the realm of possibility. My question now is, do I ignore it as its obviously bs to look cool, or do I sit him down and have a chat? And if he is telling the truth, what on earth do I do??

Not in the uk, so no covid lockdown rules.

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 29/03/2021 12:22

Is his father on the scene? If so, ask him to talk to him, and that addresses your concern about your judgment/response being clouded by past issues.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 29/03/2021 12:22

@skeggycaggy yeah it's a weird message all right, I see what you mean.

I teach sex education and rule number 1 - don't talk to teenagers about sex like it's taboo. They won't go "wow thank you mother for your infinite wisdom, which I always take in, I'm raging with hormones and have the urge to dry hump everything with a pulse, but if you, who has had sex many times, says it's bad then I'll listen and wait."

Far better to acknowledge it's something they feel a natural urge for, how normal that is, be objective and spell out the complexities, without the 'sex is baaaaad Mr Garrison' rhetoric

Zandathepanda · 29/03/2021 12:23

If the brag continues and the girl is named, the girl will be targeted by other boys whether it’s true or not. She needs to know what is being bragged about for her own safety/sanity.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 29/03/2021 12:24

If he is telling the truth then a trip to the GP for STD testing and a session with Dad on the proper use of condoms.
If by chance you are Catholic, a trip to confession is also in order for the lie or the act!

ConfusedHmm

I really feel sorry for some kids

Original poster
Triskelis238 · 29/03/2021 12:25

@SleepingStandingUp, thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I'm 99% sure he's full of shit, BUT this has unearthed some heavily buried past memories, and I don't want them interfering with how I deal with this. Yes his dad is around, but useless at these things - he's very much a bury head in the sand kind of father, much as his father was to him.

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 29/03/2021 12:26

I'd sit him down later and ask him if he realised he hadn't logged out of his messages when he finished using your laptop...wait for the penny to drop and go from there.

Bluntness100 · 29/03/2021 12:27

I think it’s likely bullshit the issue I’d be worried about is if he is naming names and saying to his mates he slept with a specific girl. Then I’d be ripping him a new one, true or not.

PigletJohn · 29/03/2021 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tinydinosaur · 29/03/2021 12:32

Honestly I think your past is colouring your judgement. You don't know that he has taken advantage of a girl. You're assuming based on your history. It could be a girl older than him, it could be a woman. It could be a girl the same age that still pressured him and he still bragged. Just like the girls bragged about having sex with grown men when I was that age.

Don't view your son as some kind of sex pest for either lying to his friends that he'd had sex, I did, right up until I actually did have sex at 18 I lied about it happening at 14. Or for actually having sex at 13, lots of kids did, I was only that age 12 years ago, it wasn't a vulnerable poor girls kind of situation, it was teens all going through hormonal and physical changes, experimenting and trying to find their way. And we all talked about it with our friends, and we still do.

By all means talk about contraception and consent more often but keep the conversations open, non judgmental and non accusatory.

Original poster
Triskelis238 · 29/03/2021 12:32

He hasn't named anyone, said something along the lines of "as if I'd tell you wankers, i don't want the whole school knowing by tomorrow".

It can't have been any if the girls at the party but a group consisting of him and about 5 other boys did leave the party for about 20 -30 minutes, to walk to one of their houses and get a speaker thing for one of their phones. So could have potentially met up with someone at that time?

OP posts:
SeaShoreGalore · 29/03/2021 12:33

I can see why you're worried that your past experiences will affect how you deal with this. It already sounds like they are - the idea that girls are 'damaged' by underage sex seems strange. People are damaged by abuse, rather than sex itself. I would definitely have a conversation about it with him though.

helpfulperson · 29/03/2021 12:37

Why the presumption it was a girl? I'd also be having conversations about staying safe on line if a shared computer is popping up these messages.

Original poster
Triskelis238 · 29/03/2021 12:39

@helpfulperson because he stated it was a girl

OP posts:
MmeLaraque · 29/03/2021 12:41

@greeneyedlulu

I would be honest about seeing the message/chat thread, it popped up and you saw it, no point lying about that part and ask him outright.
This. "What's this about?"
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/03/2021 12:43

I think that, since the message popped up on YOUR laptop while YOU were using it, it's perfectly ok to say "Oh by the way DS, what's a V card, and why have you lost it?" and then watch his reaction.

I wouldn't admit to having read the rest of the conversation as that WOULD breach trust - but you can't help but see a notification when it pops up while you're using your own laptop.

His fault for not closing down whatever chat room he was using!

See what he says, then play it by ear from there.

LagunaBubbles · 29/03/2021 12:44

Not even 20 posts in and it's what about the boyz

No its what about the dangers of underage sex in children, girls and boys....or do you think it only affects underage girls?

MmeLaraque · 29/03/2021 12:44

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

If he is telling the truth then a trip to the GP for STD testing and a session with Dad on the proper use of condoms. If by chance you are Catholic, a trip to confession is also in order for the lie or the act!

ConfusedHmm

I really feel sorry for some kids

Oh dear me... I'd do the GP/STD thing, and make sure they knew how to use condoms (fairly sure they already do).... but a trip to confession..... that's priceless!
Alsohuman · 29/03/2021 12:45

@Triskelis238

It was definitely a girl he was talking about. Tbh I wouldn't be as bothered if it were just him and a male friend messing about.
Seriously? Why on earth not?
HaveringWavering · 29/03/2021 12:45

Yes his dad is around, but useless at these things - he's very much a bury head in the sand kind of father, much as his father was to him.

Have you even spoken to his Dad about it? Your partner may be “useless” in terms of speaking to his own son but surely this is a matter for both parents to discuss so he can at least advise you, and agree a joint position to take?

suggestionsplease1 · 29/03/2021 12:45

I think you do need to talk to him. Just say that you accidentally saw message to his friends and you're quite concerned because it means one of two things: 1 either he is having sex at a very early age and you're concerned about that and of course the wellbeing of his partner as well or 2: he's telling a lie to his friends and that can have serious consequences too, especially if there's speculation about the other person involved as rumours can be incredibly harmful to other people.

If he opens up at that point then all well and good you can direct the discussion accordingly to what he says. He may be too awkward or embarrassed to expand on it at that point in time but at least you've pointed out the concerns. You can maybe ask him have a think about at all and talk to you when he feels ready.

WeAllHaveWings · 29/03/2021 12:47

It's not as if we've not had the sex talk, I've always been very clear that underage sex is hugely damaging to girls

ridiculous thing to teach a 13 year old. Boys and girls can both be hugely damaged by the emotional side to sex when they are just not mature enough. Do not kid yourself your ds is not vulnerable to the overpowering feelings involved that he hasn't experienced yet.

Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2021 12:50

@Triskelis238

Tbh, I think what I'm struggling with is the anger and despair I feel at having raised a son who thinks this behaviour is ok. I had a horrific upbringing with childhood sexual abuse and rape in my teens, and I'm unsure how to have this conversation with him, without all my past trauma clouding my reasoning.
I appreciate that this has thrown up some uncomfortable feelings but 13 year olds Bragg and it’s usually lies I hear my 12 year old son telling his mates about his COD score abd I know it’s bullshit If he has named a girl though you need to speak to him about it as it’s not fair, his embarrassment will be punishment enough
Lovemusic33 · 29/03/2021 12:50

I think he’s probably just trying to earn brownie points with his mates, it sounds like there was no opportunity for him to have sex at a party you were at. Do talk to him though about peer pressure to lose your virginity, it’s not cool to have sex at 13.

And agree that it’s not impossible for it to happen, I was 14 and regretted it. I think I felt like all my mates were doing it when infact they were not.

SpringTimeDream · 29/03/2021 12:51

@skeggycaggy

I first had sex at 13 - the boy was 13 too... hard to say without having been at the party whether he’s making it up to sound cool or if it’s true. Either way think you need to chat to him.
Hmm not really sure if boy or girl losing virginity at 13 is cool since actually a child.... I know many young people that wouldn't deem it 'cool' either ... a bit sad that someone thinks it is boast worthy
HollowTalk · 29/03/2021 12:53

You have to talk to him and tell him what you've seen. If the only girls at the party were extremely young then that's a huge reason to talk to him. If he and his mates went off together and he had sex then that's very worrying too as it's likely he wasn't the only one involved.

What sort of boy is he? Does he like to brag and show off?