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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not a stealth brag... Tips on raising an exceptionally beautiful child.

686 replies

Trytrytryasimight · 29/03/2021 07:54

I know. I'm cringing at the thread title too.

I'm absolutely average, so is her dad. She happens to have an aunt who is an outlier in their family that looks like Claudia schiffer, and seems to have inherited all of her looks from her.

She's all rosy cheeks enormous green eyes and a mass of curly blond hair that never seems disheveled. She chooses her own clothes, keeps them nicely and puts them together so she looks fabulous every time. She is that child and this is through no effort of my own - I was more of an awkward indie kid through my tweens and teens. I can see other girls want to be her friend cause she's fun and kind but then look decidedly jeolous and irritated at dds clothes, hair, general oh wow look I'm so perfect and yet so pretty unspoken general vibe.
She's 12 and we've noticed teachers, club leaders, family members do seem to give her some kind of preferential treatment and I think it's becuase she is very compliant to adults and also very pretty she is.she is also genuinely good hearted and we've never had any reason to think she is unkind to others.
I want to guide her as best I can, as having an opposite experience of my looks growing up and generally being fairly invisible, I don't really know what you to help someone not place too much worth in their looks while acknowledging it's a lovely thing to be beautiful. Any advice on how to raise a particularly good looking child??

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 29/03/2021 10:06

It sounds like she is a really good child.
I went to school with a girl like that she was friendly and helpful, her personality added to her beauty.
She's 40 and still beautiful.
It is all down to personality if she is approachable and social she'll be okay.

My DD was a stunning DC. She is 12 now a grease ball,pimples, short hair, she rather be invisible.
She is still beautiful in my eye.
Advise DD some people are shallow and looks are only your shell.

GreenSlide · 29/03/2021 10:06

Oh yeah, the good looking girls were always really unpopular at school. Oh wait, no they weren't 😂 even the biggest cow at school will be popular if she's pretty. Maybe your daughter has hidden depths OP.

CounsellorTroi · 29/03/2021 10:08

My DD was a stunning DC. She is 12 now a grease ball,pimples, short hair, she rather be invisible.

Why do you include short hair in that list? It’s not inherently unattractive.

GreatestSh0wUnicorn · 29/03/2021 10:09

Coming in on page 8 I know you likely won’t see this but I grew up with a sister like that she was also very clever, I’ve not seen if you mention other kids, my parents fed right into her brilliance, me I was the stupid one never as clever, popular, good as my younger sister who was actually a devious, bully as well as very clever and pretty, they did everything to encourage her and I was left to get on with life and regularly asked why I couldn’t live up to her. What am I saying treat your children equally and don’t always feed into your brilliant beautiful child.

imalmostthere · 29/03/2021 10:10

You think she is beautiful, as all parents do about their child. The reality is, she's probably no more beautiful than any of her peers, and you have mum goggles on.
Of course people tell you she's gorgeous, people aren't going to tell you she's hideous are they?
This is one of the weirdest things I've ever read and you really need to get a grip.

CrotchetyQuaver · 29/03/2021 10:11

I think you teach her that looks aren't everything, they fade. True beauty comes from within. Coping strategies for dealing with unwanted attention from creepy leering men.

My mother was always very vain about her good looks but they counts for nothing as you get older. There wasn't a great deal else with her and the older you get the bigger the issue. She had a lonely old age.

She may or may not stay beautiful post puberty, it's important she values herself for more than her looks.

Emeraldshamrock · 29/03/2021 10:12

Why do you include short hair in that list? It’s not inherently unattractive.
Not at all. Her short hair is beautiful.
I loved her long curls my point was she doesn't like anything girlie or that makes her noticeable, she hated people looking at her from age 9. It is black clothes only.

ForwardRanger · 29/03/2021 10:14

😂 😂 😂

Regularsizedrudy · 29/03/2021 10:15

Lock her in a tower? Put a curse on her? What the fuck do you want people to say. She’s just a normal 12 year old, get a grip.

Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2021 10:18

@imalmostthere

You think she is beautiful, as all parents do about their child. The reality is, she's probably no more beautiful than any of her peers, and you have mum goggles on. Of course people tell you she's gorgeous, people aren't going to tell you she's hideous are they? This is one of the weirdest things I've ever read and you really need to get a grip.
Sorry but in some cases this just isn’t true Of course we all think our child is beautiful but just like grown ups some are genuinely more beautiful than others, or at least conform to a certain standard of beauty in our society. When people, including complete strangers constantly tell you unprompted how beautiful your daughter is it isn’t “mum goggles”
haliborangemrmen · 29/03/2021 10:20

Teach her self worth. My very beautiful friend attracted some really unpleasant men, who treated her very badly. My unremarkable girl next door looks attracted much nicer men who treated me well. It can be quite tough, and lonely being beautiful.

MarsandPluto · 29/03/2021 10:20

Errrmm..find it a bit strange that a parent would describe their own child as " general oh wow look I'm so perfect and yet so pretty unspoken general vibe". Is this Daily Fail or other pathetic excuse for a journalist looking for something to write about? Honestly, if you are , then you need to get a proper job because journalism ain't working out for you mate. If this is what you have to do to enable you to write something in your paper, then I doubt your parents are very proud of you being a journalist Grin

activitythree · 29/03/2021 10:21

@Hobnobswantshernameback

Op here have you gone? Anything to add to the discussion?

I'm sure OP hasn't gone anywhere, they will be ready every single word.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/03/2021 10:22

@JackieWeaverFever

You'll get a lot of shit on this thread but you are without scaring you I think you are very right to be concerned.

I'm in a rush but here you go I hope it helps....

She is a child and will be vulnerable to men and teenage boys soon if not already.
Especially if she is kind and compliant.

You need to teach her a lot. Now.
about bodily autonomy...
About situational awareness. help her start identifying safe and how to handle herself in unsafe situations
Teach her the "excuse me exactly what do you think you are doing? I'm 13/1!!!" (Said in outdoor voice when creepy man trying to rub against her on the tube etc)
and work on scenarios around how to make good choices and how to identify people motives
My parents also operated a no questions asked pick up policy which was amazing as an idiot teenager. They made it clear if I was any where I was wasn't happy or just wanted out I could call them and they wpuld come no questions asked / no punishment etc any time of day or night.

I would consider self defence classes too.

I haven't got any further than this, but this is great advice.

This IS a problem; there are people on this thread who have no understanding of it, so please just ignore them op and take notice of sensible advice like this.

Musicaldilemma · 29/03/2021 10:26

I would be concerned too, mainly about unwanted male attraction. I have a young teenage DD too and she is naive and kind and I have seen how older boys/even men look at her and it gives me the creeps and she is definitely not Claudia Schiffer standards. So yes, you definitely need to teach her to manage unwanted attention and be self assertive. Lots of my beautiful friends growing up went through phases of trying to make themselves look uglier to avoid attention. So the tips in some of the posts of her identifying with a hobby/her character/other achievements etc are spot on. She also needs to understand what effect her beauty has on others. I agree it isn’t actually easier being particularly beautiful as a teenage girl. It can be very confusing.

Toothpaste123 · 29/03/2021 10:27

I was that child 🙄 yes, really. I used to get away with a lot of things just by being so pretty. I would tell her beauty fades and focus on your other abilities. Being pretty stops working around the age of 35.. And beware of creeps. Just because you're so cute doesn't mean you have to please anyone.

Salarymallory · 29/03/2021 10:28

I feel embarrassed for you OP
For starting such a daft thread

As for the preferential treatment you’ve noticed - doubt it but if this really was happening, I’d remove her from any school / club / family environment where I got a whiff such ridiculous behaviour was ongoing

tangerinelollipop · 29/03/2021 10:29

Whatever you do, never make her feel as though she has to apologise for being pretty

Lots of good advice on this thread, and also many comments from what appear to be very jealous parents IRL. Watch out for these types

Salarymallory · 29/03/2021 10:30

And if you find yourself “cringing” when starting a thread
Probably best to follow your instinct and not to

MrsTreglowan · 29/03/2021 10:30

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I'm sure you think your dd is beautiful but others may not, anyway however she looks just treat her the same as other children.
I'm feckin gorgeous to my Mum but not to my mil

alreadytaken · 29/03/2021 10:32

I was not this child but I'd have wanted self-defense lessons and lots of talk about how to deal with unwanted attention.

Etinox · 29/03/2021 10:34

If you’re still here @Trytrytryasimight Flowers
No skin in the game here, ok/ average with better than ok/average dcs, but I’ve observed massive problems with children and people who get pigeonholed for any aspect of their personality, let alone appearance.
I’d watch like a hawk any indication she doesn’t have boundaries like steel. This will probably mean challenging some popular narratives (be kind, don’t make a fuss) and you need to model good boundaries yourself.

RhubarbTea · 29/03/2021 10:35

@JackieWeaverFever

You'll get a lot of shit on this thread but you are without scaring you I think you are very right to be concerned.

I'm in a rush but here you go I hope it helps....

She is a child and will be vulnerable to men and teenage boys soon if not already.
Especially if she is kind and compliant.

You need to teach her a lot. Now.
about bodily autonomy...
About situational awareness. help her start identifying safe and how to handle herself in unsafe situations
Teach her the "excuse me exactly what do you think you are doing? I'm 13/1!!!" (Said in outdoor voice when creepy man trying to rub against her on the tube etc)
and work on scenarios around how to make good choices and how to identify people motives
My parents also operated a no questions asked pick up policy which was amazing as an idiot teenager. They made it clear if I was any where I was wasn't happy or just wanted out I could call them and they wpuld come no questions asked / no punishment etc any time of day or night.

I would consider self defence classes too.

Second all this. Great post.
Lemoncheesecake20 · 29/03/2021 10:36

Here you go, OP. You can see the jealousy being spouted by random women on the internet and you’ve not even posted a picture of your child...

A beautiful child (or a child who is marked out in any other way, be it intelligence, sports /music/art ability or quirky personality) is not necessarily going to have the confidence to deal with bullying simply because they excel in an area. Please ensure she has the inner confidence to spot people who are trying to put her down and to not let them get to her.

BlueForgetMeNot · 29/03/2021 10:38

This can't be serious?!? Lol