Not a stealth brag... Tips on raising an exceptionally beautiful child.

[Trytrytryasimight]

I know. I'm cringing at the thread title too.

I'm absolutely average, so is her dad. She happens to have an aunt who is an outlier in their family that looks like Claudia schiffer, and seems to have inherited all of her looks from her.

She's all rosy cheeks enormous green eyes and a mass of curly blond hair that never seems disheveled. She chooses her own clothes, keeps them nicely and puts them together so she looks fabulous every time. She is that child and this is through no effort of my own - I was more of an awkward indie kid through my tweens and teens. I can see other girls want to be her friend cause she's fun and kind but then look decidedly jeolous and irritated at dds clothes, hair, general oh wow look I'm so perfect and yet so pretty unspoken general vibe.
She's 12 and we've noticed teachers, club leaders, family members do seem to give her some kind of preferential treatment and I think it's becuase she is very compliant to adults and also very pretty she is.she is also genuinely good hearted and we've never had any reason to think she is unkind to others.
I want to guide her as best I can, as having an opposite experience of my looks growing up and generally being fairly invisible, I don't really know what you to help someone not place too much worth in their looks while acknowledging it's a lovely thing to be beautiful. Any advice on how to raise a particularly good looking child??

Wow! Monday morning sexism! Have you seen the news today about sexual abuse in schools!

Is this how every mother feels about their child but just doesn’t say it out loud.

*Isn’t

@MazekeenSmith

Don't talk to her about her looks. It's a fact that people do treat beautiful people better in life. Attractiveness is a positive resilience factor. She's blessed in some ways but she'll need to develop a radar for users.

My DD1 was also beautiful as a child -- long silky black hair, olive skin, a dancer's body (she did ballet from age 3-17) and very much a people pleaser. (She was adopted so I take no credit.) I noticed the problem more because her also-adopted sister DD2 was "just cute" - a nice, average kid with chubby cheeks and a friendly smile. She was often overlooked by people who only saw her sister. The school put DD1's picture on the Home page three years in a row. Somehow DD1 always got her photo on the cover of all the programs handed out drama, chorus, etc and was placed front and center in group photos. DD2 was never chosen for any of those "honors". Teach your daughter strength. We started having problems with teenage boys when she was twelve. You can't be with them every moment. Teach them to be wary of boys (and men) who want to be alone with them, who offer them gifts or special favors, etc. Let her know she can always tell you anything and you won't get angry with her or punish her.

The fascinating thing about this thread is how highly all the obviously hostile posters must value physical appearance. Otherwise, why would the OP's claim be shot down with such vigour?

Oh lord OP dont you know beauty is SO subjective. There's absolutely nothing you do differently or specific in raising a child whom you think is particularly conventionally attractive.

My friend thinks her son is absolutely model gorgeous. I think he's a pleasant looking child but think that of basically all children! He doesn't stand out to me as exceptional and many people won't feel your daughter is either. Some people will have a personal preference for other colourings and find the cheruby blonde look less attractive.

Honestly? You don't need to "acknowledge it's a lovely thing to be beautiful".

It sounds like she has lots of positive personality traits such as being kind and fun, focus on those and really do not mention appearance at all. If you really must, focus on the aspects that reflect her actual effort or creativity rather than genetic lottery eg "oh you've brushed your hair really carefully, well done you do look tidy"
Or
"Oh those trousers and that top do make a nice colourful combination, what a cheerful outfit".

If shes interested in clothes rather than focusing on her looks can you steer it in a creative direction, for example helping her develop skills in sewing or decorating her own.

This thread illustrate why OP is concerned. Beauty has become do taboo nowadays, it's now almost more of a flaw than good fortune. Same with intelligence.

Everyone is born with some special attributes and every parents should teach their kids to make the most of their special attributes without becoming arrogant about it,relying solely on it not take it for granted.

My mother was one of those child. She did get a lot of attention because of it. It didn't make her happier. It did become harder for her to grow older as her beauty didn't get her the same attention as used to and when you're used to attention, it's hard to adjust to it being gone.

She hasn't passed on her beauty on to me despite my father being known as very good looking too, nor me onto my kids.

Any advice on how to raise a particularly good looking child??

Yes.

Teach her it's what in her head and her heart that matters. Her looks will fade one day (and with respect OP other people probably won't find her half as good looking as her parents do).

And stop the fawning adoration about how she looks unless you want her to be a spoilt nightmare teenager, or someone who is excruciatingly arrogant. No one likes a show off

Oh lord OP dont you know beauty is SO subjective
Oy to a level thought. For some reason, there sets of characteristics that all together make a human, animal, scenery more beautiful than another and most people would agree.

Oh and stop being so self deprecating about yourself and how you look. You I still confidence and self assurance by modelling it

I’ll join you in that cringe OP🥂

[quote littlepattilou]@Trytrytryasimight 😂😂😂

Thanks for the Monday morning laugh. (Also, your child is NOT exceptionally beautiful - not to anyone but you.) Sorry to disappoint you. [/quote]
Why such a horrible post? Seriously. I don't understand what would motivate someone to write that. Some people are more traditionally / conventionally beautiful than others. Doesn't mean they stay that way forever. Doesn't mean they're any better or worse than others. Some kids are more clever than others, funnier than others. Surprised at how vitriolic some of the posts on this thread have been.

It’s often the plain ones as children that turn in to beautiful adults. I wouldn’t count your chickens yet as a lot can change between 12 and 18!

Too add most parents do think they’re children are stunning - that’s why evolution wanted.

I read compliance as a descriptor of how the child is, as well as the physical description, and saw the OP as asking for help with all of those things. I believe research has shown that conventionally attractive children do get a different kind of attention to this that are less so.
I think this is a conversation that needs to be had - after all this is a discussion board, right?
Speaking anecdotally, I got way less attention from men as a chubby, bespectacled buck tooth adolescent than my more 'conventionally attractive' peers. I'm pleased now, though it knocked my confidence a bit. I avoided the very unwelcome attention of seedy older men thankfully, but boys of my own age never 'asked me out'. Turned out to be a good thing as decent men have been attracted to what I hope are my other qualities.
My daughters are much prettier than I was (looking at it in those horribly sexist terms) and I've been out with them when they've had to deal with all sorts of shouted abuse. They fortunately are generally capable of dealing with it (young adults) and have a very low opinion of a lot of men.
It's very true that more attractive kids get more positive attention at school, but I'm not sure if it's a chicken and egg situation. Such things as a lovely bright smile can get you a long way. A shy child who considers themself unattractive (my own experience, not helped by constant ragging about my appearance) is more likely to hide in a corner and be less forthcoming, thus missing out.
There have been some very good responses on this thread - notably from posters who acknowledge that these things can be an issue and taken OP at their word about wanting advice.
Life really isn't a level playing field, and it's up to us as parents to help them navigate it all.

I don't want to be mean, but it really might not last.

She should enjoy it but I think making a fuss of it and feeling you have to prepare her for a life of endless praise and adoration based largely on her looks is a big mistake!

The only women I know who have been mothered that way are deeply unhappy - sure they look nice, but they seem a bit depressed inside, wondering if that's all there is to them, despite being successful in other ways.

Beauty goes through phases, our faces do strange things...I was an ugly, ugly teen — big buck teeth, spots and ill-fitting glasses. Got to 19, had braces taken out, contact lenses put in - pretty much relentless attention despite dressing like a nun. Also received compliments from women (men aren't that fussy so not sure their attention is even meaningful). Probably peaked at 27, now fairly normal and fine, as long I've got a good haircut and a face of make-up.

This thread is the gift that keep on giving ...sadly amusing.
I have NEVER met an exceptionally beautiful child. I have certainly seen many pretty, attractive, even featured children with beautiful skin and eyes etc. This is because many / most children are gorgeous. As folk have pointed out the teenage years can be cruel...spots, greasy hair, BO. So doesn't always translate. Also the teeth can go a bit AWOL then many teens need braces. Note how many MNers have come on here proclaiming about their stunning daughters...as they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I am intrigued, for example that some have mentioned S E- Bextor as being exceptional ( I am assuming it is due to height and being slim) other than that I'm scratching my head regarding this lady as being stand out in the looks department. So there you go, attractiveness is very often completely subjective. Btw, courteous, pleasant, individuals who aren't too shy (particularly girls) are often treated well by adults.

@Catsknees

I read compliance as a descriptor of how the child is, as well as the physical description, and saw the OP as asking for help with all of those things. I believe research has shown that conventionally attractive children do get a different kind of attention to this that are less so. I think this is a conversation that needs to be had - after all this is a discussion board, right? Speaking anecdotally, I got way less attention from men as a chubby, bespectacled buck tooth adolescent than my more 'conventionally attractive' peers. I'm pleased now, though it knocked my confidence a bit. I avoided the very unwelcome attention of seedy older men thankfully, but boys of my own age never 'asked me out'. Turned out to be a good thing as decent men have been attracted to what I hope are my other qualities. My daughters are much prettier than I was (looking at it in those horribly sexist terms) and I've been out with them when they've had to deal with all sorts of shouted abuse. They fortunately are generally capable of dealing with it (young adults) and have a very low opinion of a lot of men. It's very true that more attractive kids get more positive attention at school, but I'm not sure if it's a chicken and egg situation. Such things as a lovely bright smile can get you a long way. A shy child who considers themself unattractive (my own experience, not helped by constant ragging about my appearance) is more likely to hide in a corner and be less forthcoming, thus missing out. There have been some very good responses on this thread - notably from posters who acknowledge that these things can be an issue and taken OP at their word about wanting advice. Life really isn't a level playing field, and it's up to us as parents to help them navigate it all.

Great post, @Catsknees.

I was a "late bloomer" (read unattractive teenager) too, and I'm so grateful for it. Lack of attention from boys made me focus elsewhere, and by the time I got boyfriends, etc, I was an adult and physically and emotionally able to cope with it and enjoy it. My mates who got earlier attention had it much worse.

My sons are 17 and 19 and both very good looking - not model looks but just the result of a combination of the right genes from all sides of the family.

One is blonde, with skin that tans without burning, and blue-eyed. He hates his hair and says blonde is "for little kids". He's also tall and slim with good muscle definition and can play most sports to a high level but refuses to go shirtless because his shoulders "look weedy" and hates the fact that he doesn't "look hairy" because it's a bit "unmanly" not to be hairy. He has dry skin and hates having to moisturise.

The other is dark, with a more olive skin, and dark brown eyes that you could get lost in. Body more chunky but broad shoulders etc. He wishes he were blonde with blue eyes, and slim. He hates being hairy. He has very low self-esteem despite being clever and having been successful and reasonably popular all through school. He hates his face/skin because he has dimples and blushes easily.

OP is right that people do gravitate towards good-looks. 'Beautiful' people always have and always will get unconscious favouritism. We need to be boosting EVERY child's self esteem and encourage them all to be comfortable in their bodies. Pretty prepubescent children often change during puberty and even if they "keep their looks" (an awful expression), they might well end up feeling uncomfortable with them.

The most stunning girl I've ever met was 16, 5'10" and approached daily by sleazy men and scouts. She walked with a stoop to make herself smaller, and developed a stammer due to her hatred of being the centre of attention. Thankfully she is now a happier adult, with happy children and although still extremely attractive, has learned to love herself so she comes across as just a very nice woman who happens to be pretty too.

I completely get your concerns OP. I had a friend at school who was stunningly beautiful, it made her life easier in some ways and harder in others. (PP saying beauty is totally subjective are kidding themselves, I bet we could all name the best looking kids in our class at school). Adults generally fawned over her, and she was always on the school prospectus etc., but this fawning lead to some bullying from others for being 'teachers pet' and she lost confidence and became quite 'unpopular'. She also had a Lot of unwanted attention on the street and on buses etc from her young teens. We all had it to a degree but being with her was like having an invisibility cloak, she got all the leers, comments and brush pasts. Again affecting her confidence. She came out of it all fine and is now (seemingly, only know her via fb these days) happily married to an equally gorgeous man, but I do think early teens was tough for her. I would focus on not talking about her looks at all, building resilience and strong boundaries and encouraging her to report every little bit of sexual harassment she experiences to the appropriate authorities.

The conversation about unwanted sexual attention/navigating relationships should be the same for every child - telling them they are exceptionally beautiful and face additional obstacles is close to victim-shaming.

@JackieWeaverFever

You'll get a lot of shit on this thread but you are without scaring you I think you are very right to be concerned.

I'm in a rush but here you go I hope it helps....

She is a child and will be vulnerable to men and teenage boys soon if not already.
Especially if she is kind and compliant.

You need to teach her a lot. Now.
about bodily autonomy...
About situational awareness. help her start identifying safe and how to handle herself in unsafe situations
Teach her the "excuse me exactly what do you think you are doing? I'm 13/1!!!" (Said in outdoor voice when creepy man trying to rub against her on the tube etc)
and work on scenarios around how to make good choices and how to identify people motives
My parents also operated a no questions asked pick up policy which was amazing as an idiot teenager. They made it clear if I was any where I was wasn't happy or just wanted out I could call them and they wpuld come no questions asked / no punishment etc any time of day or night.

I would consider self defence classes too.

Our names lol...

Anyway... this is the best reply. I can't believe other people are laughing at op when the awareness around rape culture and misogyny is at the forefront of our minds.

Girls of all looks and attitudes are at risk and op is right to ask these questions. My dd is a beautiful 12 year old. Already going through puberty, looks much older than her peers and is kind and sensible but I worry to death about what she will go through... I was an unattractive, overweight, zero confidence teen and I was still sexually assaulted by a man 10 years my sensitive. No one is safe but you can bet a young girl as op describes is going to get a mass of unwanted attention.

I have to say I have never met a stunning handsome man or stunningly beautiful woman either. Maybe I dont move in certain circles or I just have different tastes to most. I certainly am strangely fascinated by these 'standards' of beauty though.

Based on your other posts, maybe focus on bolstering her brother’s self esteem.

I can't believe other people are laughing at op when the awareness around rape culture and misogyny is at the forefront of our minds.

People are laughing because the OP and others seem to think it's only pretty curly haired green eyed girls who are victims of rape and misogyny. Ugly women, fat women, old women - all who don't fit the "beauty" convention - are raped every day. Pretty girls are at no higher risk

Otherwise, why would the OP's claim be shot down with such vigour?

Tbf everyone on MNs has stunning dc & they are all super tall. Disclaimer I'm 5ft 10 (was often the shortest on castings) but still find I'm taller then most teenagers who go to the large secondary school on my road.

Also I think there is quite a variety on the beauty spectrum, someone can be attractive or pretty to the majority but actual beauty tends to be rarer, more subjective & fades but is still there. I think Christy Turlington is & was beautiful, same with Ava Gardner. Others will disagree.