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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not a stealth brag... Tips on raising an exceptionally beautiful child.

686 replies

Trytrytryasimight · 29/03/2021 07:54

I know. I'm cringing at the thread title too.

I'm absolutely average, so is her dad. She happens to have an aunt who is an outlier in their family that looks like Claudia schiffer, and seems to have inherited all of her looks from her.

She's all rosy cheeks enormous green eyes and a mass of curly blond hair that never seems disheveled. She chooses her own clothes, keeps them nicely and puts them together so she looks fabulous every time. She is that child and this is through no effort of my own - I was more of an awkward indie kid through my tweens and teens. I can see other girls want to be her friend cause she's fun and kind but then look decidedly jeolous and irritated at dds clothes, hair, general oh wow look I'm so perfect and yet so pretty unspoken general vibe.
She's 12 and we've noticed teachers, club leaders, family members do seem to give her some kind of preferential treatment and I think it's becuase she is very compliant to adults and also very pretty she is.she is also genuinely good hearted and we've never had any reason to think she is unkind to others.
I want to guide her as best I can, as having an opposite experience of my looks growing up and generally being fairly invisible, I don't really know what you to help someone not place too much worth in their looks while acknowledging it's a lovely thing to be beautiful. Any advice on how to raise a particularly good looking child??

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 29/03/2021 11:01

It’s not offensive at all, it’s just not ‘a fact’. It’s your perception, and some other people’s. Equally, some people will think she’s not their cup of tea at all.

wevs · 29/03/2021 11:03

The reverse ugly ducking phenomenon is real. In the teenage years, people's facial structure changes, blonde hair usually darkens before adulthood, acne happens.
Don't count your blessings...
All you can hope for is that your DC's good nature continues regardless of their looks.

StrudelSoup · 29/03/2021 11:04

@activitythree

I agree, there is a lot of nastiness here because OP has dared to suggest her daughter is perceived as beautiful.

I don't think that's the reason Wink

Yeah, that's not the reason. It's an arse of a thread. Unless you seriously believe the OP is honestly expecting advice on "how to parent a beautiful person differently".
Pyewackect · 29/03/2021 11:05

........ what ever happened to Smantha Brick and Katie Hopkins ?.

Rukaya · 29/03/2021 11:05

And by the way - sorry OP but it is a stealth brag - but I’m sure your child is beautiful - as all children are

They're not though.

Biffbaff · 29/03/2021 11:05

Taking this thread at exceptionally-pretty-face value:

Teach her about consent.
Compliment her on things other than her looks.
Her future success (of whatever kind) does not rest entirely on her looks - pursuing school subjects and hobbies will give her opportunities and are identity-building as well.

Biffbaff · 29/03/2021 11:07

@WorraLiberty

Well the OP has certainly tapped the fish tank, haven't they?

240+ posts and no sign of them 🤣🤣

They're probably wanking while reading it.
GuildfordGal · 29/03/2021 11:07

so many people unprompted say how beautiful she is

Unprompted Grin Unless some people actually ask IS MY BABY BEAUTIFUL? EH? EH? any comments should be 'unprompted.'

I usually say that babies are beautiful. It's my go-to line like millions of other people. I must admit I haven't grabbed any strangers in the street to inform them, but 'aah...he/she is beautiful' is fairly standard, if something of that ilk seems to be required.

All babies are beautiful anyway. It's easy.

5128gap · 29/03/2021 11:11

I think my tip would be to try to change your own attitude. Looks are obviously really important to you and you are projecting this onto your daughter and to others around her.
This is fine while your daughter has the type of looks you consider beautiful, but you may find it difficult if this changes as she grows older. Would you no longer consider her exceptional if this happened? Could you hide that from her?
The problem with beauty is that it is subjective, transient and subject to changing standards. An attractive child who has grown up to see beauty as part of who they are may find it very painful if they grow up to find their looks no longer match the current aesthetic, or their body develops a shape not considered 'ideal'.
Try to put her appearance to the back of your mind and focus on the important elements of her upbringing. Try not to let her see how important her looks are to you, and let her know that it is her personality traits that make her exceptional.

MiddleParking · 29/03/2021 11:11

Women who live in poverty, or have additional needs, or have been in prison, or have been through the care system, or have addictions etc are all at greater risk of systematic abuse by men throughout their lives. I really doubt the people saying “I’d book her in for self defence lessons” consider those women primary rivals for their daughters’ good looks.

WorraLiberty · 29/03/2021 11:12

They're probably wanking while reading it.

Yes, interesting how this and the period thread were started within minutes of each other and neither OP has returned.

Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2021 11:16

Yes it is but not when they are tweens/teens.
It’s not everyone’s go to then is it? They might say “oh what a pretty girl” or similar but not “gosh, she’s beautiful isn’t she?” Etc.
The reason I think my DD is beautiful is because people tell me (and her). I agree that to people who have different versions of beauty she might not be and if there was a magic wand to make me beautiful I would choose a completely different look to her as it’s not MY ideal either but to pretend that some girls are not perceived as more beautiful than others is just not true.

Trytrytryasimight · 29/03/2021 11:17

I'm really grateful to all who have posted its really helpful to think everything through. I hadnt thought about many things raised and I'm grateful, thank everyone

OP posts:
Sausageroll67 · 29/03/2021 11:17

Not all children are beautiful. At all.

I was at school with a girl like the OP describes their daughter, faultlessly put well together, never a hair out of place etc, she was also very nice and kind. Even now as a middle aged mum of two she’s still stunning.

I’m not sure of my point here tbh 😂 just thought I’d chime in.

Trytrytryasimight · 29/03/2021 11:19

I think what I have found most interesting in raising a child who looks absolutely nothing like me and who is at the moment the epitomises a lot of beauty ideals is that she does seem to get an easy journey, and no I don't want that to stop her from trying or valuing herself only for looks. She has got plenty of time to be as average as dh and I I realise that!Grin

OP posts:
Trytrytryasimight · 29/03/2021 11:20

Sausageroll I'm going to cross my fingers that dds lucky streak lasts!!

OP posts:
JustLiketheraptors · 29/03/2021 11:20

I understand OP my eldest is strikingly beautiful. She is also autistic and this combination is somehow beyond anyone’s comprehension.

I don’t have any real advice we just muddle along daily hoping to make the right choices !

VettiyaIruken · 29/03/2021 11:20

Same way you'd raise an uggo.
Model decent behaviour, good manners and kindness, also assertiveness (not to be confused with aggression) consideration, common sense and so on.

JustLiketheraptors · 29/03/2021 11:21

@Trytrytryasimight

I think what I have found most interesting in raising a child who looks absolutely nothing like me and who is at the moment the epitomises a lot of beauty ideals is that she does seem to get an easy journey, and no I don't want that to stop her from trying or valuing herself only for looks. She has got plenty of time to be as average as dh and I I realise that!Grin
Same for me my dd looks absolutely nothing like me (people have asked did I adopt her !!!!)
Hoppinggreen · 29/03/2021 11:22

@Trytrytryasimight

I think what I have found most interesting in raising a child who looks absolutely nothing like me and who is at the moment the epitomises a lot of beauty ideals is that she does seem to get an easy journey, and no I don't want that to stop her from trying or valuing herself only for looks. She has got plenty of time to be as average as dh and I I realise that!Grin
I do get asked if she’s mine.
manymanymany · 29/03/2021 11:23

Don't make a big deal of her looks. I've too many friends now in their 40s and 50s who found that the lack of attention they now get relative to when they were younger quite hard to take. Also - she's 12! One of my dcs was stunning when younger - people would stop me in the street all the time to talk about them. Now a spotty teen with hair that goes greasy quite easily but of course still completely beautiful to me.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/03/2021 11:23

@tiredoflondonwanttomove

I'm bloody terrified of when men start on her, I've seen them looking in the supermarket. I remember being on a train once with the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, she could not be older than 12. The amount of very obvious male attention she got was just unbelievable. I felt really scared for her, to be honest.
My friends daughter (now mid twenties) is absolutely beautiful and this really was the case for her too. It was actually really tough for her as she looked a bit older too so at 14 she looked 18 or so and men thought of her as an adult so would chat her up as if she was. Poor girl was unnerved by it so often and felt vulnerable. I think posters dismissing this being an issue are being unkind and it's unnecessary.

I don't think anyone meant that children are more at risk from abusive predators based on their appearance, they meant that teen girls who are traditionally very attractive are likely to be on the receiving end of more adult male attention from a younger age.

questingtitchlace · 29/03/2021 11:30

@EarringsandLipstick

Sorry but I don't agree. I was that kid and had the unfortunate blow of starting puberty before 11. I received a lot of unwanted and inappropriate attention from boys and full grown MEN ( friends of the family, strangers on the street, a couple of sport coaches and holiday clubs) it carried on well in to my 20's. I felt embarrassed, ashamed of how I looked, I went from extroverted to introverted. I was vulnerable and my looks were commented on frequently. Men aside, I also used to get bullied by girls at school and in the work place still got treated as if I was a 'pretty bitch'
I affected my entire self worth.

If anything in the news lately has hit anyone disagreeing with OP then you are all blind. Men are a problem ( no not all men blah) your daughters are vulnerable and need guidance ( beautiful or average!)

Laburnam · 29/03/2021 11:30

It’s really not that deep as my DD would say 🤣

littlepattilou · 29/03/2021 11:32

@Trytrytryasimight 😂😂😂

Thanks for the Monday morning laugh. (Also, your child is NOT exceptionally beautiful - not to anyone but you.) Sorry to disappoint you. Sad