Dummy guilt

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My DD is 14 weeks old, 10.5 weeks adjusted for being a bit preterm. She's exclusively breastfed, and quite small - 9th centile for birth age, 25th for adjusted.

She's always been challenging to get to sleep and stay asleep. For the last month or so we had settled into a nighttime rhythm where she would be fed to sleep then stay down for 3-4 hours, then feed, then 2-2.5 hours, then another feed, then 1-2 hours. So not a huge amount of sleep but it was predictable and I could count on a couple of decent stretches.

However, the last few nights it's all gone a bit haywire. She's started waking at random intervals and not wanting to be put down at all. She basically wants to comfort feed the whole time. Which I could live with with, but when she overfeeds she gets really uncomfortable and squirmy.

I've resorted to giving her a dummy but I feel terrible about it. None of the people I know and respect as mothers used a dummy and I never ever thought I would. I feel so sad looking at her with that lump of plastic in her mouth and knowing she should be getting that comfort from me. I feel like I'm putting a plug in her 😔

AIBU to feel this way? Is there anything else I can do to manage this change in her sleep?

OP - you’re going to have people piling on here thinking you’re mad/precious/PFB/irrational but I know exactly what you mean. I always hated dummies but ended up using one in desperation with DS2 and felt guilty every time I set eyes on the bloody thing.

If it’s any consolation, it was only slightly useful (his sleep was still shit but it kept him quiet on car drives which he hated) and he rejected it flatly from six months old. Maybe your DD will come around to your way of thinking too

Yes YABU. In the gentles way possible, if you feel this guilty about a dummy then the rest of motherhood is going to be a rough ride! There’s ALWAYS something you could feel guilty about. You are not seeing the big picture here, it’s a dummy, it’s really not the end of the world if it gets you more sleep.

Also I don’t know if you realise this but saying that “none of the women you respect as mothers use dummies” sounds very snobbish and like you think there is something inherently evil about dummies and that mothers who use them are somehow lazy/bad parents/something else?

It sounds like thou have subscribed yourself to the more militant end of the “attachment parenting” philosophy. What about if breastfeeding hadn’t worked out? You need to be less rigid about your ideas of what being a good parent are.

For what it’s worth, I never anticipated using a dummy either but it’s the only way my baby would sleep without being constantly attached to me. I breastfed her until she was nearly two - dummies and BF can go hand in hand!

I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to vote YANBU for using a dummy or YABU for feeling guilty about it! Dummies are fine!

It's not a big deal. Don't they help prevent sids too? The big deal is when they still have them at 3.

@SecondBabyGirl yes I realised as I wrote that about "people I respect as mothers" that it sounded very judgey! I just mean pretty much everyone I know who's a mother - sister, SIL, close friends etc - and obviously I try to follow their leads as I think they are doing / have done great jobs.

I'm really not too militant about attachment or any particular parenting style. I consider myself quite pragmatic and am surprised I feel this way.

Respect as mothers? Wind your neck in and stop being so judgemental.

Well maybe they had babies who would sleep well without dummies. Or maybe they didn’t but they were so wedded to the idea that dummies were evil that they endured terrible sleep and feeling exhausted for months just so they could retain some sort of moral integrity that they hadn’t resorted to ‘lumps of plastic’ 🤷‍♀️ I know what I’d rather do though. You can’t copy everything these women do or did, your child is different to theirs and some things will work but others won’t. You need to go with the flow.

Let’s call a spade a spade here - I think you think that dummies are chavvy and not for “parents like you”. It’s true that in some circles it is expected that everyone would use dummies (and bottle feed) and in others (like my NCT group) there would be an audible gasp at such a suggestion. Who cares what anyone else thinks. If you’re really that bothered then buy the more Expensive brands that look more boho. And yes like a pp said they help prevent sids.

Your nipples are not a dummy. Feel no guilt.

I never knew there was such a thing as dummy guilt

Dd1 sucks her thumb, dd2 had a dummy until she was 5.

Dummy's are fine if they're not sucked all day long.

Do not compare your parenting to others. Do what you need to do to get through.

If it makes you feel more middle class then buy these ones www.kidly.co.uk/products/bibs/dummy-2-pack/10840?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=surfaces&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIsKW96NrU7wIVgu_tCh2IkAKrEAQYBSABEgJ1lfD_BwE

These are the brand preferred in leafy west London suburbs by other people who are also horrified at having resorted to dummies and view them as a class marker.

Imagine what it'll be like when tv starts to be a thing......

But then im one of those crap mothers who uses a dummy, so you probably dont care what I think.

Wow @Letsallscreamatthesistene @SecondBabyGirl @whenyouknow1youknow1. I thought MN was a place where women supported each other. I'm a first time mum struggling with sleep and the reality of parenthood being different to how I imagined from the models I have been given in life. I didn't expect to be slated for a class prejudice I wasn't aware I had.

Have you thought about it from a different point of view. You're offering your child additional comfort to help them sleep well. I used a dummy to begin with as it can reduce the SIDS risk. When my baby rejected it over and over I felt guilty that he didn't want it and I wasn't doing all I could. Now he is older he still doesn't have a comforter of any sort. I've tried but he just isn't interested. It's just how some babies are.

There really is nothing for you to feel guilty about OP. Everyone tries different things that work for them and if for you it's a dummy, that's fine. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies and put so much pressure on ourselves to everything 'right'. Every baby is different so what's right for some mums and their babies, may not be right for you and yours. This newborn phase is all about survival in my opinion so you do what you need to do to get through it - a dummy is absolutely nothing to beat yourself up over! There are so many changes that happen to a baby in its first year of life from sleep regressions, new skills, changing perspectives on the world around it and development milestones. And I amongst all of this you have change in appetites, teething and illnesses. You have to roll with these changes which happen constantly but you really need not pile on any guilt, you sound like you're doing a great job.

I remember having the exact same guilt (exacerbated by my judgemental mother always making comments about babies with dummies in their mouths).

I was on my knees with barely any sleep and having a baby constantly attached to my nipple. I was out for a walk one day and bumped into a Canadian friend. Told her about my dilemma and she said 'you Brits are weird. In Canada we call them pacifiers because they pacify the baby and who doesn't want that?' I immediately went and brought a pack and it was a game changer.

The same friend also suggested during the chat that I write a list of all the ways I intended to parent and then open it when my daughter was 18 and have a good laugh at myself. For a quick chat in the street it was pretty life changing.

Basically, we do what we do to get through and it'll all be ok in the end. Don't give yourself such a hard time and don't compare yourself to other mums - comparison is the thief of joy.

You’ll be slated on here for this post, but I totally get what you mean.
I hated the fact I had to give my child a dummy and had the same feelings you did about it. I couldn’t stand to see a lump of plastic shoved in her face.
She has actually started to reject it now so I’m hoping she won’t need it at all soon (she’s 4 months old)
I think with sleep I just remind myself that it’s never permanent. Sometimes she goes through phases of sleeping well, sometimes she doesn’t. The phases where she doesn’t I just need to get through and I know a good phase will hopefully be in the horizon.
I think a lot of parents use dummies, more than you think. Once one of my NCT group said she had to resort to using a dummy, one by one everyone else said they did the same. If that first person hadn’t mentioned it I don’t think anyone would have said anything.
Like pp said above, I think the problem is when they are still using them much later or have them in all the time.

Women lift up women when they're not being so openly judgemental about others choices. You're not automatically entitled to it.

Times have changed, research has shown that dummies offer protection against SIDS and they aren't viewed in the same way as your mum or grandmother would have seen them. It's about responsive parenting - giving baby what they need when they need it. If they need to suck then you give them that comfort.

Some of the mothers in my life who I really respect didn't use dummies either, but they also sleep trained and had their baby out of their room by a few months old and did all sorts of things differently to the way I do it. You can respect someone as a mum and have a different parenting style, there's no right or wrong. It's about what's right for you and your baby.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene where was the judgement? I have explained that I literally meant everyone I know as a mother who I've used as a model. No judgement implied on others - I made this post so I could get different perspectives. Maybe I worded it poorly but that's what 14 weeks of no sleeping will do to you.

Thanks to all those who have provided thoughtful and helpful advice / experiences. I know I'm being over sensitive, just needed to hear it!

Mine didn't have dummies, I was extremely lucky, they slept well.

I was out with a friend a few years back, she had a very young breastfed baby. She was exhausted.

Like you OP baby was constantly feeding. She had some sterilised dummies with her, she didn't know why but she didn't want to use them. She was talking g about giving up the breastfeeding due to the exhaustion. We chatted and I said the loss of benefit of giving up the breastfeeding as opposed to giving a dummy was a much greater loss.

She agreed, she gave the dummy, the baby slept peacefully and she breast fed for many more months.

Give your baby the dummy, have no regrets, sleep a bit more.

Dummies help reduce SIDS risk in babies 6 months and under. My first took one no problem which I was very pleased about, but my second is almost 3 months old and still won't take one and it makes me feel a bit anxious. You should be happy that yours will take one!

I'm not in the UK so fortunately don't have to deal with weird dummy snobbery from people. It sounds like a headache.

Exactly @Letsallscreamatthesistene. OP I don’t mean to be harsh but I don’t know why you are expecting to be supported and lifted up when you have so much inherent judgement of other women’s parenting practises in your post.

Maybe it’s good that you’ve realised that this is a prejudice you didn’t know you had? What would you have thought if you’d met a really nice woman at a baby group and then seen that she used a dummy - would you have written her off?

If you are really struggling with sleep then just do whatever gets you more sleep. Dummies are not dangerous, it’s not like you’re dousing her with whisky. It’s not irresponsible to give a dummy. So just try to be more open about what does and doesn’t constitute good parenting.

Yabu. As a PP said, if you feel guilty about this, then the rest of your life is going to be one big bewildering guilt-nightmare. And I say this with my baby only being 7 months old hehe.
Sending your baby to nursery so you can return to work? Mega separation guilt!
Don't go to work so you don't need to be separated from your baby? Lack of earnings guilt!
Give treats? Potential obesity guilt!
Don't give treats? Guilt about the child being deprived of what they want!
Which discipline strategies to use? Guilt about your child being uncontrollable/upset
Etc etc the list goes on and that's before you even get to school ffs, give the dummy and forget about it. There will be many more plastic things I promise you

Oh please can we not have a pile on the OP? She gets the point and has explained - if you're still not happy and have nothing valuable to offer then maybe hide the post?

@SecondBabyGirl you've really read a lot into one sentence haven't you. "So much inherent judgement"? I came here asking for genuine advice. I think you're the one judging here.