Dummy guilt

[3ormorecharacters]

My DD is 14 weeks old, 10.5 weeks adjusted for being a bit preterm. She's exclusively breastfed, and quite small - 9th centile for birth age, 25th for adjusted.

She's always been challenging to get to sleep and stay asleep. For the last month or so we had settled into a nighttime rhythm where she would be fed to sleep then stay down for 3-4 hours, then feed, then 2-2.5 hours, then another feed, then 1-2 hours. So not a huge amount of sleep but it was predictable and I could count on a couple of decent stretches.

However, the last few nights it's all gone a bit haywire. She's started waking at random intervals and not wanting to be put down at all. She basically wants to comfort feed the whole time. Which I could live with with, but when she overfeeds she gets really uncomfortable and squirmy.

I've resorted to giving her a dummy but I feel terrible about it. None of the people I know and respect as mothers used a dummy and I never ever thought I would. I feel so sad looking at her with that lump of plastic in her mouth and knowing she should be getting that comfort from me. I feel like I'm putting a plug in her 😔

AIBU to feel this way? Is there anything else I can do to manage this change in her sleep?

Dummies are recommended to be used when a baby is going to sleep at night and at nap times to reduce SIDs. If it bothers you that much you could say something like "Oh I wasn't planning on giving DD a dummy, but then I saw that the lullaby trust says x,y and z and decided it was best to start using them". I found they also helped stop my DD crying after she had her immunisations. She had the injection, started crying, popped the dummy in and gave her a cuddle and she soon calmed down.

I gave my DC a dummy. My mother didn't - it wasn't the done thing in her social circle and was viewed as lazy parenting. I remember chatting with her and she said she thought I might have benefited from having a dummy. Apparently, I used to scream for hours as a little baby and she would be told by my MIL to shut me in my pram in the room at the end of the house as anything else was 'pandering' to babies who needed to learn to settle themselves. She was a young mum and did as she was told. She's often wondered since if there was a link between that and me being a very anxious child. But parenting was different back then in many ways, not just no dummies. Anyway, my advice would be to give your tiny baby what they need to keep them happy and calm and, if that's a dummy, then it's a dummy. By the time my DS was one, he only had his for naptime and sleeps and we phased it out completely soon afterwards.

Americans call them soothers. Has a better connotation that dummy.

Babies of that age need comfort sometimes. It's not a problem.

I think the way you worded about the whole respect for mothers thing was really rude. As if you're saying you don't respect mothers who use a dummy.

It's just a dummy you wouldn't feel so bad if she was shoving her fingers in her mouth. You can take away a dummy.

Felt bad about giving DD1 a dummy at first but soon got over that when it helped her sleep. She had it until she was 3 and then gave it up painlessly.

Zero guilt giving one to DD2 and had them in my hospital bag in case she wanted one. Didn’t need them then but we use them now. Have lovely personalised ones with matching dummy clips.

Neither my DSis nor I had dummies but that wasn’t from a lack of trying on my parents’ part. I didn’t need one but DSis screamed constantly and just wouldn’t take one. My Dad sometimes makes judgemental comments about DD’s dummy but I tell him I’m ignoring him.

A friend messaged me last night, she is due her first child in July and asked if DD had or has a dummy (she is 15 months)
DD has used a dummy to soothe when falling asleep from a few weeks in when nothing else would settle her. And she only has them at night or from the freezer when teething to help soothe gums

I advised her to have 1 or 2 in. If baby doesn't need it, then great. If baby does get to 3am and nothing else will help soothe, she has them there to use.

In the kindest way possible, you can respect other mums without doing exactly as they do. Use them as a guide, rather than a model for what you should do with your child. Every child is different, even within the same family, and often what works for your oldest won't work for your youngest.
And don't let dummy guilt become a thing, because it will build up into a bigger ball of guilt over other things

I do sympathise because I have a smug, judgemental mother who always made a big deal of dummy use being lazy and “common”. The fact that my conscious brain knows that my mother is a sexist, classist jerk didn’t prevent those kind of learned prejudices from tormenting me in the early baby days when my judgement was affected by lack of sleep and postnatal anxiety.

In my personal experience, a high proportion of my parenting role models use dummies, because they tend to be chilled-out second or third time parents who have learned from experience that you parent the baby you’ve got and listen to their needs, rather than following the “rules” or some abstract parenting philosophy. (I don’t mean that as a dig, OP - just as reassurance that good parenting means responding to your baby including if they really want and need a dummy).

I had exactly the same feelings about using a dummy, and none of my friends with older babies / children used them and were quite judgy about them. We ended up using a dummy with my DS when he was about 5 weeks old, for sleep and he loved it! Napped brilliantly and was always much easier to put down than many of my friends' babies!

I look back now and feel regret for how guilty I felt about a bloody dummy. It was a life saver for us. We ditched it easily when he was 3. He slept beautifully too. We tried it again with my DD but she was having none of it and she was a terror with sleep for a lot longer than DS.

Please don't feel any guilt about it, it's not worth it!

My LO is just over 3 months old as well. I feel guilty about a lot of things, not being able to breastfeed etc but I didn’t really give a dummy a second thought

I hated them too OP but used one occasionally between 3 & 6m which is generally the worst worst bit sleep wise. DD had been poorly in intensive care for a couple of weeks where they had given her one and we ended up using it a bit afterwards.

Don't beat yourself up. Use it and get some rest, but have a go and getting rid from 6m before it becomes a harder habit to break. Based on friends it's much easier to ditch them at 6m than at 18m.

Also be warned. Sometimes they are great but the actual main reason we ditched it at 6m was it became more trouble than it was worth, it would fall out of her mouth and she was waking up for it all the time!!

Any mother you respect? So those who choose to use a dummy is less deserving of respect for using one? Wow. Never read anything from someone so shoved up their own arse...

Either you use one or your child will find their thumb to suck. If you’re clever enough then you will realise that a dummy can be removed yet a thumb cannot.

No child ever became less of a person by having a dummy. But you’re less of a person to judge something so normal.

Ps for all the people who think thumb sucking is the worst outcome...

The reason its not is during the day time thumb suckers have to choose between using both hands for bi-manual play or sucking the thumb, this means they tend not to just sit there with a thumb in constantly or talk through it. The same is not true of dummy addicted toddlers, the ones I knew who had dummies over about age 1 screamed loads if it was taken away but just sat there sucking on it/talking through it if it wasn't.

My family has had several thumb suckers (hint... using a dummy is no guarantee it will stop a child thumb sucking) and they've all stopped easily at about the age people usually take dummies away.

Seriously, it's a dummy. In the grand scheme of things it's really not a big deal.
If it helps, then use one!

@3ormorecharacters

I stand by what I said, you came on here looking support by trying to make others feel crap with your comment about respect. I couldn't care less what anyone thinks of my parenting decisions but unfortunately there will be some people on here who do. Parenting is hard enough without that.

I have a 6 month old who has slept 12 hours at night since she was 9 weeks old. If I lose yours or anyone's else respect because I gave her a dummy so be it. I'm well rested, so is she and I'm a far better mother for it!

Honestly I felt exactly the same as you with my first. I thought dummies were awful and swore I would never give them to my child.

Several nights in a row of being used as a dummy (hours of relentless feeding) and I looked into ways that could save us from the hell. Health visitor (and Google, and mumsnet) all recommended a dummy so we tried it and it was brilliant. It took me a little while to come to terms with it but never looked back. Dd never had any speech or teeth problems and we survived the baby stage a little bit saner!

Totally get what you mean OP. I felt so embarrassed when we started using a dummy with our first born (earlier than you, we were desperate!) but I now realise that was ridiculous. It helped our baby sleep and kept my husband and I sane. We actually ditched it with no problem at 6 months at the same time is sleep training (another controversial one...) as it actually started to impede sleep (he’d spit it out as soon as he fell asleep, and would immediately wake up crying for the dummy). But for those first few months it was 100% the right call for our family. Currently pregnant with no.2 and while I’d like to avoid using it, I won’t hesitate if we think it will help.

I exclusively breastfed for 6months, tried to get her on the dummy when she was about 2/3 months because she had reflux and I didn’t want to “over feed” her because she always throws it up afterwards. HV and many others always said you can’t “over feed” a breastfeeding baby but with mine, you could. I couldn’t go more than 5mins of breastfeeding before she did a projectile vomit.
Anyway when she was 2/3 months I would try to give her the dummy but she hated it and used to always gag when I tried. I never wanted to give her a dummy either but she was using my boobs for comfort and to fall asleep which often resulted to throwing it up afterwards. I think about 5/6months she started taking the dummy. But now she’s addicted and I can’t get her off it 🥴

This sounds exactly like my daughter's sleep pattern when she was this age and she did the same thing at around thirteen weeks...turns out she was teething and I didn't know until the tooth popped up!

And yes I had major dummy guilt (although I know it is irrational) so I couldn't get her to use a dummy. I still breastfeed her to sleep now instead and she is seven months old.

@AyyX same! I had grand plans of weaning him off it around 1, but I see now that its not going to happen. I think im in the realms of letting him have it until he can be bribed tbh.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene we must be the same person 😂 I wanted to get her off it at 1 too but doesn’t look like it’s happening any time soon. Now 16months 😭
I will aim to get her off it before 2 🥴
She always gets what she wants and throws a tantrum and cries till she gets it..... nightmare!!!!

My first had a dummy because he was in NICU and it brought a lot of comfort for the times in the incubator he couldn’t be held or bf.

He still has it on a night, it comforts him.

The most important thing is that your baby is safe and well and comforted.

Don’t be that person who looks at others and believes everything they say / do. What goes on behind closed doors would amaze you. Some might plonk their kids in front of the tv for 4 hours a day - you don’t know as you’re not there 24/7 to observe their parenting decisions.

My 2nd wouldn’t take a dummy at all, didn’t sleep well and needed to be held all the time to be comforted. My god I wish they would’ve take a dummy it would have given me an awful lot of extra sleep and rest when I desperately needed it.

It’s insane to subscribe to narratives set by other people. Do you live your life by the examples of others? Can you not choose your own experiences and be confident in them ? Do you not trust yourself to choose what is best for you and your child? Perhaps you need to examine why you let random social rules with zero meaning dictate your thoughts and feelings?

Have read the whole thread but what you think you'll do as a mum and what you actually do when you are one are quite different things. You can't understand chronic sleep deprivation until you've been through it.

Some babies settle easier than others and you're right, if she's feeding for comfort and throwing up then you'll be constantly feeding. It's ok to use a dummy, it won't hurt her and there is evidence using a dummy reduces the risk of sids. It also reduces the risk of you crashing your car because you're too tired to think straight!

I wasn't going to give ds a dummy but after seeing how settled he was when I out of desperation put my finger in his mouth when he was about 2 weeks old, we did use one. He still got cuddles from me for comfort, it's not like I put the dummy in and didn't pick him up. I have a friend who breastfeeds her 5 month old and during a recent grizzly spell where he was screaming, wouldn't latch but needed comforting I did find myself thinking how glad I was that in that instance ds would have taken the dummy, snuggled in and calmed down.

We reduced day time use and only used for naps or sleep at just before 1 the stopped using it with no issues at 2 and a bit. His speech is brilliant, we have asuper close bond and I would absolutely do it again if I have another dc.

My dad in particular is very anti dummy but I made what I still feel is the best decision for my son, if there was a way to reduce his stress, why wouldn't I do it?

Just to note: now that you have given the dummy, lullaby trust guidelines are to not stop.until ds is at least 6 months

I felt the same. Was determined I didn't want my babies to have dummies - but if it works, then do it. Both of mine had them in the end, but strictly for sleeping or when poorly.