Dummy guilt

[3ormorecharacters]

My DD is 14 weeks old, 10.5 weeks adjusted for being a bit preterm. She's exclusively breastfed, and quite small - 9th centile for birth age, 25th for adjusted.

She's always been challenging to get to sleep and stay asleep. For the last month or so we had settled into a nighttime rhythm where she would be fed to sleep then stay down for 3-4 hours, then feed, then 2-2.5 hours, then another feed, then 1-2 hours. So not a huge amount of sleep but it was predictable and I could count on a couple of decent stretches.

However, the last few nights it's all gone a bit haywire. She's started waking at random intervals and not wanting to be put down at all. She basically wants to comfort feed the whole time. Which I could live with with, but when she overfeeds she gets really uncomfortable and squirmy.

I've resorted to giving her a dummy but I feel terrible about it. None of the people I know and respect as mothers used a dummy and I never ever thought I would. I feel so sad looking at her with that lump of plastic in her mouth and knowing she should be getting that comfort from me. I feel like I'm putting a plug in her 😔

AIBU to feel this way? Is there anything else I can do to manage this change in her sleep?

I remember my HV making me feel bad and saying I shouldn’t give my baby a dummy because it confuses them and some other reasons basically saying it’s not good to use them.
She was really judgemental and used to tell me what to do and what not to do like she knew best 🙄 it was quite annoying.

I think keeping an open mind about everything in parenthood is a good idea.

Every child and family are different so what works for you.

Don't feel bad about denying your child something which brings them comfort.

[quote 3ormorecharacters]@SecondBabyGirl yes I realised as I wrote that about "people I respect as mothers" that it sounded very judgey! I just mean pretty much everyone I know who's a mother - sister, SIL, close friends etc - and obviously I try to follow their leads as I think they are doing / have done great jobs.

I'm really not too militant about attachment or any particular parenting style. I consider myself quite pragmatic and am surprised I feel this way.[/quote]
Trust your own gut and stop looking at how others have done it. If a dummy works for you and your baby then use it. 2 of mine had them, the third didn't take to it at all. I certainly wasn't looking to see what other family members or friends had done. In fact one of mine was in nicu and was given a dummy by the staff there.

I hate dummies, DP likes them. I relented when I read that there's a possible link between using them to go sleep and a reduction in SIDS. No idea if it's true but any chance of reducing risk of cot death is ok with me.

Every child is different. I had my first at 19 I swore no dummies. I kept one in the house so when he was screaming at 3am teething or with colic I could tell myself 5 minutes and I will get the dummy if I couldn't deal with it any longer. I used it twice. With my youngest I had the same plan. I was 22 so felt if I coped last time as a single mum using it twice with dp it would be a breeze. He was less than 48 hours old the first time I reached for it in a sleep deprived state as I literally had not slept since he was born. The only time he stopped crying was when he was not feeding or when he was trying to chew his clothing. My option was give him a dummy, risk him choking on something off his cardigan or he sucked his thumb. I decided the dummy was best as I could throw it out anytime I wanted. He had it for 6 months but only when going to sleep. Once settled I took it away. I read something about it also reducing the risk of sids back then too. Don't feel bad for doing what you need to do in order to get through. The first year is tough. Throw in a worldwide pandemic and your doing amazing.

I'm surprised so many people wrote "I never thought I would use a dummy", "I thought dummies were awful", etc. Is that a UK thing?

Babies need to suck on something, not just for food, but for comfort. There's nothing wrong with a dummy.

I think it is a UK thing. It's seen as very 'working class' to use a dummy so people who aspire to be 'middle class' don't want to use one.

Oh OP, you will do far worse than give your DD a dummy in the years to come don't worry

DS has a dummy and I feel no guilt, it actually helps to prevent SIDs too so not all bad at all!

You need sleep to be the best mother you can be, don't feel guilty for that. Me and baby DC were far more content and happy when wed had some sleep, if you need to give a dummy to be able to get that then no problem!!

Please do try to lighten up about these things, I remember having so many things I swore I would and wouldn't do or how I thought I knew exactly how I'd do X Y and Z.

In reality we winged it until we found things that worked for us!

@shouldistop

I think it is a UK thing. It's seen as very 'working class' to use a dummy so people who aspire to be 'middle class' don't want to use one.

The only reason I ever disliked using the dummy at first was because DS could never keep it in his mouth for long when he was really young. So it would be relief for 5 minutes then I'd be waking up to put it back in his mouth anyway.

Obviously this got better as he got the hang of it.

All three of mine used dummies - they helped them settle and sleep.

They are now much older and it all seems a distant memory - they all have straight teeth, and are well-adjusted, well-loved, happy kids.

I am a strong believer in doing what needs to be done to get through those difficult baby years - absolutely no point denying your baby something that will comfort them because of personal prejudice against something that can really help to sooth your baby, and make life altogether happier and easier for both of you.

Oh and I didn't take them away either - why take something that offers so much comfort away from a baby?! They kept them at night until they chose to give them up. (which they all did eventually!)

I haven't had the chance to read the whole thread so apologies if this has been said already, but using a dummy at night has the biggest impact on reducing SIDS.
It shouldn't be used with a clip, so just stick quite a few in there if you think she'll lose it in the night!
Alone, on back in a crib with a pacifier is the best you can do. Look up the stats.

Ignore any ignorant comments, this is your child and your decision.

I'm surprised so many people wrote "I never thought I would use a dummy", "I thought dummies were awful", etc. Is that a UK thing?

I used to live in the UK and yes, it does seem to be a UK thing. I think they're considered to be a working class thing, or a "chav" thing. I've not seen this attitude elsewhere.

Recommendation:

If you are going to give your DC a dummy, I recommend getting an inhaler dummy for when they have a cold.

This advice comes to you after a night of DD2 screaming herself to sleep repeatedly because she wanted her dummy but couldn’t breathe. I have an inhaler dummy Amazon priming itself to me as we speak!

Just use it whilst baby is tiny and have it gone by 11/12 months. They are very damaging when children are learning to speak but newborns it's not so bad. As a rule, if they can walk they don't have a dummy. I detest seeing toddlers with them in the day time but understand people using them to settle small babies.

Whats wrong with a dummy?

I never had an opinion on dummies before DS was born, then the midwife said 'you haven't been using a dummy, have you?' when I was struggling to breastfeed (I hadn't) and it stuck in my head and I felt like I couldn't use one. I did end up using one for bedtime / nap time and I don't feel bad about it, they're designed to comfort your baby.

You do come across as judgemental in your OP, I don't think you meant to, but there are plenty of great mothers out there that use dummies and its really not a big deal.

I was paranoid about SIDS and really wanted my children to have dummies but none of them took one for whatever reason. Instead 2 of mine sucked their thumbs. The dentist in new instantly that they were thumb suckers when she saw their teeth. Not sure of they'll need braces etc as they're not old enough yet but it just shows there are pros and cons to everything and a lot is out of your control

I think it's normal for them to change their sleep patterns around 3 months it's a growth spurt I think so you can reassure yourself of that as well.

@Countrygirl2021

Just use it whilst baby is tiny and have it gone by 11/12 months. They are very damaging when children are learning to speak but newborns it's not so bad. As a rule, if they can walk they don't have a dummy. I detest seeing toddlers with them in the day time but understand people using them to settle small babies.

Detest? Really?!

My DD1 had her dummy until she was 3 for when she was tired or upset. If she was happy or trying to talk, she didn’t need it so she didn’t have it.