Dummy guilt

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My DD is 14 weeks old, 10.5 weeks adjusted for being a bit preterm. She's exclusively breastfed, and quite small - 9th centile for birth age, 25th for adjusted.

She's always been challenging to get to sleep and stay asleep. For the last month or so we had settled into a nighttime rhythm where she would be fed to sleep then stay down for 3-4 hours, then feed, then 2-2.5 hours, then another feed, then 1-2 hours. So not a huge amount of sleep but it was predictable and I could count on a couple of decent stretches.

However, the last few nights it's all gone a bit haywire. She's started waking at random intervals and not wanting to be put down at all. She basically wants to comfort feed the whole time. Which I could live with with, but when she overfeeds she gets really uncomfortable and squirmy.

I've resorted to giving her a dummy but I feel terrible about it. None of the people I know and respect as mothers used a dummy and I never ever thought I would. I feel so sad looking at her with that lump of plastic in her mouth and knowing she should be getting that comfort from me. I feel like I'm putting a plug in her 😔

AIBU to feel this way? Is there anything else I can do to manage this change in her sleep?

@MaMaD1990 thank you!

@Mummy1608 ha good point! Always something to feel guilty about...

The fact that you feel guilty about it though implies that you think it’s a bad thing to do? That’s where the judgement is coming from.

I don’t want to make you feel bad and I genuinely do hope that you manage to get some more sleep, I know how exhausting it is in the early days.

Some babies just really like dummies. I never intended to use them either, but two days of constant crying made me feel like I was going mad. Instant relief and a happy baby.

At around six months he started fussing with it before sleep, and I took the opportunity to remove it - just allowed a quick suck to drop off then took it out, and progressed to a cuddly toy he chewed for a while, then a chewy toothbrush to help him gums. It doesn't have to be long-term. And God I loved the dummies, they gave me a bit of peace!

You will always feel guilty for something. Don't martyr yourself for your child - it's so easy to do but you will be miserable.

My logic was that I could either feel guilty about a dummy or feel guilty I was sleep deprived and not parenting at my best (I locked myself out once I was so tired). If you are a guilty type person like that then I guess sometimes you choose the 'least worst' guilt.

The fact that you feel guilty about it though implies that you think it’s a bad thing to do? That’s where the judgement is coming from.

Op has explained that she feels that she should be able to comfort the baby herself, that in an ideal world she would breastfeed and baby would sleep. She's feeling she's not enough for her baby (what mother hasn't!). She just needs reassurance that it's not that she's not enough, it's that some babies need a little more.

I think OP just needs to hear "it's fine, you're not lacking anything as a mother, give the baby a dummy".

And she's not lacking anything as a knot her at all! Mine didn't need dummies (lucky me, they slept well). But I was dreadful at breastfeeding and gave up early and felt dreadful guilt at that!

I felt then that I was t enough for my babies.

You’ve given your child comfort. YABU to be stressing yourself out about that.
It would be a poor show to continue to feed constantly when you know it makes the baby uncomfortable and means you are permanently exhausted. That’s not good for anyone.
I’ve had a think and I can’t actually think of anyone who didn’t use dummies. I didn’t even know this was a thing people felt hardline about to be honest.

Dummies reduce the risk of SIDS in small babies. There's absolutely nothing wrong with them.

I thought this was going to be a post about getting rid of the dummy 😂. There'll be plenty to feel guilty about, giving your baby some comfort and yourself some sleep is definitely not one of them. I do know how you feel though; when my son was a newborn I thought giving a dummy was in some way failing. I remember calling my mum in tears and she came round with various dummy's and that was it haha. Hope you get some sleep!! I don't miss those newborn days .

Well my DDs ad my 10 nieces and nephews all had dummies, took my eldest’s away the day after her 3rd birthday.
All perfectly normal teenagers and young adults.
What are the issues with dummies meant to be exactly?

Some countries recommend the use of a dummy as may help prevent SIDS

My first loved a dummy, my second won't take one, both parented and fed in exactly the same way. All babies are different and have different needs. Your baby wants to comfort suck, a dummy provides that comfort.

I think you're going to find yourself doing a lot of things you didn't imagine doing as your baby grows.

My son used to cry anywhere from 3 to 10 hours every day up until he was 16 months old. The dummy gave him comfort. It still does at two years old. A lot of my parenting choices wouldn't be right for other people but I base them around the child I have and what works for us as a family. People love to judge me but I literally couldn't care less. I love my son I do my best for him and he's happy and settled and that's all that matters to me.

OP I get why you meant! It’s very hard especially when you’re sleep deprived. Nothing wrong with dummies. They reduced sids risk and also are a
bloody life saver! Only one of my kids would take a dummy and it was wonderful! He was so content and easy to settle ... I wish to god my eldest would have.

In the nicest possible way try not to be too set on your idea of using your SIL/ friends etc as parenting role models. It’s great that whatever they’ve done has worked for them but my experience with 3 kids is they’re all different and I’ve adapted my self for each of their newborn journey because what worked for one didn’t for the other. Also tbh OP parenting is one of those things where everyone tells you they’re doing this and that and their parent style seems so smooth and easy whereas 99% time behind closed doors they’re tearing their hair out think aghhhh. It seems to be viewed as weakness if you’re portraying anything other than perfection (which I think is damaging to mums MH!)

Back to dummies. Buy a few brands to try because I’ve found babies can be quite choosy about which ones they like! Tommy
Tippi worked best for us with DS2 but loss of my friends raced about MAM ones

OP are you sure all the mothers you know don't use dummies? If they only use them at night time and you only see them in the day time you might not know?

Anyway - don't feel guilty! I felt the same way as you but anything that works to get you some sleep is ok!

Using dummies only becomes a problem when the baby's teeth are coming through as it can affect their development. You have nothing to feel guilty about using them on such a young baby. You are just helping your LO to sleep better through the night and it isn't harming them.

Honestly just do whatever makes things easier for you both. I don't think anyone chooses to use pacifiers, it just often ends up helping everyone get more sleep. With DS1 I was adamant I would never use one, and I didn't but he was constantly sucking on his little bunny's ears, we ended up getting 3 of them so they could get washed regularly/not lost. So with DS2 we just bought pacifiers as they're at easier to keep hygienic. Some babies are just sucky babies.

Theres no pile on. OP gets the point I think and explained the original post was worded poorly. I hope shes also content with using one! They're like magic sleep things in my house. Im now having to contend with the fact that my 12mo now whines for one all day, but thats a different thread!

None of the people I know and respect as mothers used dummies
My mum always said how awful they were, nasty things, etc and that she'd never used them. Then I found some old slides of me aged about 9 months in my cot and guess what was on the mattress next to me?!

I felt this way. I don't use one with dd but did with ds. He still woke up in the night but not as often as his sister and it helped somewhat. This time around I will do anything so that I can get some sleep. Another poster has got it spot on, parenting at every stage can cause a mother to feel guilt. In the grand scheme of things dummies are not a big deal, my ds did give his up easily and I will not hesitate to use one again with my current pregnancy if baby accepts it. Be kind to yourself. I found that my harshest critic when parenting was always me.

I never thought I would use a dummy, however when baby didn't sleep I did! So with both babies I used a dummy, only for night time sleeps and at the age of 6 months I binned them, it was fine, they had done their job and neither baby cared! Dummy's for sleep I think are fine, when baby is young, dummys for ALL DAY, 3 year olds, etc are horrendous. I feel so sad to see little people wondering around sucking a dummy! They don't need them it just keeps them quiet and "baby like", I wish people would realise that dummys are a sleep aid for tiny babies not a plug for older children!

I used a dummy for a few weeks to help my baby cope with the unsettled afternoons when he would get quite screamy. He was very little and I weaned him off when he was a few months old. It served a purpose, helped him sleep and helped him cope in the overtired afternoons. I didn’t use them at night though, as I didn’t want to get into the habit of having to hop out of bed to replace them.
They also help to reduce the risk of SIDS.

I had to bottle feed my baby so I guess I’d already been ‘plugging him with bits of plastic’ and it didn’t bother me at all. I used them as the very useful tools they can be.

Yeah, I was also never going to give my child a dummy, untill I actually had a child and I wanted her to sleep and not suck her hands/thumb raw. I can take away the dummy, can't take away a thumb.

DS1 never had a dummy but DS2 (6 weeks) does. It makes him so much happier and easier that part of me feels guilty that I never tried one with DS1 - maybe I left him less comforted for no reason! - and part of me feels guilty that DS2 has one, especially as I know that realistically he has it because I can't give him the same instant, constant attention DS1 had. So I guess you can't win! But I definitely feel a bit embarrassed about it (I wouldn't ever send a picture to my mum or a friend where DS1 had his dummy!) and some people are judgemental - I was in the park earlier this week and two mums I was talking to saw me put in DS2's dummy and commented quite hastily and loftily that theirs never had dummies...

Download the wonder weeks app. My lo followed it pretty closely and I remember clearly that suddenly at 12-13weeks my lo slept for 6 hour blocks for 4 days lol and then, like yours, went back to newborn like sleep.
Dummies I wouldn't probably add that in at this point, as you've got this far without and then have to factor in how to wean off it.
It's hard. But sounds like you're doing a great job!