Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dummy guilt

119 replies

3ormorecharacters · 29/03/2021 05:30

My DD is 14 weeks old, 10.5 weeks adjusted for being a bit preterm. She's exclusively breastfed, and quite small - 9th centile for birth age, 25th for adjusted.

She's always been challenging to get to sleep and stay asleep. For the last month or so we had settled into a nighttime rhythm where she would be fed to sleep then stay down for 3-4 hours, then feed, then 2-2.5 hours, then another feed, then 1-2 hours. So not a huge amount of sleep but it was predictable and I could count on a couple of decent stretches.

However, the last few nights it's all gone a bit haywire. She's started waking at random intervals and not wanting to be put down at all. She basically wants to comfort feed the whole time. Which I could live with with, but when she overfeeds she gets really uncomfortable and squirmy.

I've resorted to giving her a dummy but I feel terrible about it. None of the people I know and respect as mothers used a dummy and I never ever thought I would. I feel so sad looking at her with that lump of plastic in her mouth and knowing she should be getting that comfort from me. I feel like I'm putting a plug in her 😔

AIBU to feel this way? Is there anything else I can do to manage this change in her sleep?

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 29/03/2021 11:17

Maybe 'the people you respect as Mothers' use dummies on the quiet. I never used them but mine sucked their thumbs, which still gave one of them dental issues. DGC had a dummy, I used to call it the plug.

Caiti19 · 29/03/2021 11:22

Just for another perspective, a friend of mine gave birth in Canada and when she told the nurse they had no dummies, and didn't want them, the nurse sent the husband out to buy them. This friend's children were breastfed until aged 2. So I think there is a cultural element to the attitude to them. It's not a case of "dummy versus Mother's breast" - the two really can coexist. Obviously, they should not be used to substitute a feed with a hungry baby. My daughter loved her dummy. It meant she could self soothe by reaching for it when she was old enough to do so - meaning she had a more solid night's sleep earlier than my son, who did not take a dummy - and a good night's sleep is a huge factor in a baby's development and overall health. They were all binned around 20 months in our case. Helping a baby to sleep well is a good thing. I do emphathise, as my own Mother never gave any of us a dummy - so there was some inherited negative attitude that I had to overcome too. You are a doing great - trust your own maternal instincts. Flowers

LondonJax · 29/03/2021 11:42

Our DS was born with a heart condition that wasn't identified until he was 10 days old. At that time we were in hospital waiting transfer to a major children's hospital for his treatment.

We didn't use dummies at the time. The consultant said to DH 'run down to the shop and buy three or four - they will help to keep him calm during blood tests and will help him rest'.

DS used them every night until he was 6 months old. If the dummy came out during the night and he was still sleeping, we didn't replace it so he learned to carry on sleeping without the dummy.

We were on holiday when he was 6 months old and he refused his dummy, pushed it away. I took it as a sign he no longer needed it so we tried a night without it and he got off to sleep immediately. We only used them then when we flew (helped with ear pressure) or if he had tests to keep him calm.

If they help, use them. The stress of going without really isn't worth it.

Thebookswereherfriends · 29/03/2021 13:47

I was against dummies before my baby was born, but then discovered that breast feeding was ridiculously painful and then uncomfortable, so was not going to be a practical solution for anything other than feeding. I managed to continue breastfeeding, but gave a dummy for sleep after 6 weeks. She only had it to sleep and we managed to drop the habit by 1 (had to cuddle to sleep always, but I was happier with that than relying on the dummy which never gave her a deep sleep).

FujiSakura · 29/03/2021 14:42

Before they were born, I thought I wouldn't give my child a dummy but then the nurses in the Neonatal Unit insisted on using one for comfort and pain relief (occasionally using sucrose solution) and that changed my thoughts. Now they are only used for sleeping or if they are really upset but we are getting to the stage where we probably need to start phasing them out (now 2 years old). I use the orthodontic night time ones to try and limit any potential damage to teeth.

Bbee29 · 29/03/2021 14:49

If you want to give her a dummy then screw what other people think.

DS had a dummy and I never thought twice and I didn’t care what others thought.

When I had Dd (new relationship a few years down the line). My mil was totally against them and said I must not give her one. I tried not to give in but Dd really did need one. I used to hide it when mil come over. I was a nervous wreck. She seen some in the sink ready to be sterilised and I started panicking on the spot. She didn’t react too badly. But I soon learnt that it was not up to mil what I do with our child.

It does sound like you do have a negative opinion of them anyway but I’m all for them after my two had them albeit a rocky start with Dd. They both give them up easily.

SavedDownTheWell · 29/03/2021 15:56

Weirdly, in many studies from the 1990s onwards, dummy use was found to be a big factor in preventing SIDS. On that basis alone, I wouldn't feel guilty about giving it to your LO.

Laytwir024 · 29/03/2021 15:59

Are you sure none of these people use dummies?

I actually read an article about where dummy shaming came from- basically when people used to shove them in constantly and not wash them properly so there were infections. Dummies are much better these days. Also it's completely natural and comforts your baby. One thing I've found with parenting as the older they get, the more things you will probably disagree on others with.

MeadowHay · 29/03/2021 16:02

None of the people I know and respect as mothers used a dummy

That made me crack up OP. I'm guessing you don't know many mothers then because I'd say roughly 50 per cent of the ones I know used dummies, maybe more tbh.

YABU and as a parent you need to learn to have confidence in the parenting decisions you make. Constantly doubting everything you do will tear you apart and unfortunately other people are always ready to criticise as well so the only way to retain sanity is to have confidence in your ability to make decisions that are right for your child.

madmumofteens · 29/03/2021 17:09

I wish I had given my first born a dummy instead I was a big dummy it was exhausting OP please don't feel guilty x

MaryShelley1818 · 29/03/2021 19:38

I was determined to use a dummy with my babies (both breastfed) due to the SIDS risk reduction when using them.
DS (3) still has is - only for 5-10mins at bedtime to go to sleep.
DD (8wks old) refuses a dummy and gags when I offer it. I really wish she'd take one as I worry about SIDS endlessly.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 29/03/2021 19:48

as others have said, it's better than thumb sucking
I couldn't sleep without thumb sucking until I was in my mid 30s

2021youpromisedyoudbebetter · 29/03/2021 19:55

I didnt think I would use a dummy with our little one, similarly to you noone I knew had ever used one. However the fact that it claimed to reduce SIDS made me give her one, and I was also unable to breastfeed so she wasnt having her suckling reflex satiated. My dad was actually quite judgemental about it, claiming he didnt think I'd be that sort of mother (whatever that means) which did make me feel slightly crap about it but seriously something like a dummy at that age is not worth getting upset over. You're not using it as a catch all to just make them be quiet or anything, some babies just like having something to soothe them and others dont even take to it. At 6 months my DD barely needs it, tends to just be a bit of comfort as she is drifting off and then it's out. Dont feel bad about it, right now it's what you and your baby need and it's not worth putting your own negative emotions about dummies into your mum journey. You'll just end up upsetting yourself as you quite clearly are already

Pollypudding · 29/03/2021 20:03

@madmumofteens

I wish I had given my first born a dummy instead I was a big dummy it was exhausting OP please don't feel guilty x
Yes I was that dummy too! DS1 never had a dummy as I misguidedly thought it was the best thing- tried to give DS2 a dummy- annoying child would not take it- screamed place down. Now my little granddaughter had a dummy until about 18 months- fed her, popped dummy in, out like a light. I definitely made a rod for my own back with my own DC and OP please use a dummy if it helps your LO. Love the idea of reframing and calling it a pacifier/ comforter/ soother - that is the right idea
ghostyslovesheets · 29/03/2021 20:04

don't feel bad - I have three one had a dummy and 2 thumb sucked - the dummy was by far easier to get rid of and did minimal damage to the teeth compared to the thumb suckers!

If it helps you sleep crack on with it

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 29/03/2021 20:04

I dare say you wouldn’t respect me because I also, shock horror, formula fed but DC used a dummy, slept well and everyone was happy.

Vierty · 29/03/2021 20:09

It’s so much better than a thumb. I’m coming to the end of fairly intensive orthodontics with my thumb sucker. My dummy baby had good teeth despite having a dummy until he was 3.5.

Please don’t judge mothers by their dummy use. A dummy has its place (not least in reduction of the risk of SIDS) and it’s the last thing you should feel guilty about

wigglerose · 29/03/2021 20:41

I was once jumped on very rudely on social media for daring suggest dummies can help prevent SIDS (allegedly only useful.for bottle fed babies with an inferred swipe at mums who bottle feed) so its good to read reasonable opinions here.

DaisyDreaming · 29/03/2021 21:14

You’re giving her something which comforts her (and which doesn’t make her uncomfortable from having more milk than she’s comfortable with). If she’s happy surely that’s all that matters? You haven’t failed and there’s nothing to feel guilty about, some babies just need to suck for comfort and you’re meeting that need

Isthisnom · 29/03/2021 21:24

I would look at it like this. Your baby is happy and content with the dummy and you are much more likely to be the mother you want to be if you are not chronically sleep deprived, win win.

All 3 of my children have had dummies and have had so much comfort from them. I never expected to use them but with hindsight I am so pleased I have.

Quite often our expectation are not the same as the reality and you have to do what is best for you, your family and your baby and in this case if that is to give your baby a dummy then so be it. Doing what is best for you and your baby irrespective of what others have done is what makes you a good mother in my view.

Misspacorabanne · 29/03/2021 21:45

I've worked in nurseries op and many, many babies use a dummy for comfort. I bet more parents then you realise use them with their babies. I am anxious about sids so have used a dummy with all my DC as I had read that it can help to prevent suds in very young babies, but each time I have just used them for sleep and naps, and they were gone completely by the time DC turned two. Don't feel guilty, we are all just trying to do our best. Your a great mum because you obviously care, but I think using a dummy if it helps is no issue, just try to restrict to sleep and nap times. I don't see the need for them in the day but that's just my opinion. Smile

oblada · 29/03/2021 22:03

The little one may be just going through a growth spurt.
I don't have anything for (or against) dummies. My first 3 children didn't need it. My 4th child really enjoyed it when she was in hospital and not allowed to feed by mouth and it kept her sucking reflex going. However since she's been home she's shown no interest at all. Which is fine by me, one less thing to worry about/lose/clean/buy. But it would have fine if she'd kept using it too.

Anyway - my only thought would be that if LO is quite small I would try and phase out the dummy as she probably would benefit from feeding as often as possible. That would be my suggestion.

As for handling tricky times re breastfeeding and sleep. - you could ring the ABM line for guidance. Often it is about riding it out but depending on the situation other suggestions would be relevant.

oblada · 29/03/2021 22:05

Oh - dummy and SIDS - dummies are just the next best thing after responsive feeding so in order of 'protection' it would be responsive feeding first, then possibly dummy.
Mainly the clear advice re SIDS and dummy is once it has been properly introduced (in the early days, for a few weeks etc) don't remove it from baby.

Wearywithteens · 29/03/2021 22:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

alexio · 29/03/2021 22:33

Don't feel guilt for using a dummy babies are soothed by sucking and if your baby is soothed by using it just roll with it. Like you said, they would breastfeed constantly and end up uncomfortable from being so full so the dummy helps balance that. As long as baby is still feeding well don't think of it as an issue.

Keep dummy for sleep time only. If you are embarrassed/whatever just keep it for sleep
DS1 is 12months and DS2 1 week old both use dummy's for comfort and it's only at sleep time with no issues about wanting another time.