What to do about this (interfering) “friend”?

[breakingupslowly]

There’s a person in my life who’s helped me out a lot since my DC was small, and I was a single parent. She was my next door neighbour, and she used to babysit (sometimes still does), and generally became a family member that I never had. I moved house over a year ago, and we’re still in touch. She invites me and my DC round for dinner every week without fail, which is nice, but I also see it more or a chore than anything else these days.

She’s much older than I am and can be white interfering when it comes to my personal life and any decisions I make, including financial ones. Last year I took out a car on finance and she kindly agreed to be my guarantor. But I feel as though she holds this over me as she sometimes refers to it as “her” car. She comments on my relationship choices, and is very opinionated. I’m in my 30s so I’m more than capable of making my own decisions.

Aibu to want to back off from this relationship a little, and reduce these weekly dinners? I feel obliged and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. But I’m also fed up of being a people pleaser to the detriment of my own happiness. It’s exhausting.

She sounds lonely. I think unfortunately your mistake was to accept so much help from someone who wants more from your connection than you do. It does kind of mean you owe her.

Could you try to suggest others forms of contact you might find less difficult. E.g cut down the dinners but suggest going to the zoo with the DC at the weekend instead or some such?

Ok. You craved a family connection, with everything that involves. Magically, the right person turned up in your life and filled that role.

So, now you are learning that family relationships are both essential and frustrating. It’s a dance, right? And sometimes you step on each other’s toes.

Those of us with actual blood family often have to review our boundaries, and have awkward conversations. Its inevitable, especially between people from different generations, with potentially different life-views and values. It’s not the same dynamic as when dealing with friends, or neighbours. You’ve set up a family dynamic with this woman, and enjoyed a lot of/from it. Now it’s time for you to become more assertive in some areas of this family relationship.

Research, read up, and see it as a positive ‘adulting’ step for yourself. Your feelings are valid, but suddenly ‘demoting’ a kind person who loves you to ‘annoying, interfering friend’ status is unreasonable. And a bit immature. If you want to be treated like an adult, the first step is skilling up into that role. The second is letting them know your boundaries, and sticking to them. Assertiveness leads to more respectful interactions (on both sides). There’s great online resources for this.

I think you need to find a way to tell her that the weekly dinners are too much. Perhaps tell her that you’d rather see her every fortnight so you have more to chat about. Is it always on the same night? It’s weird she expects you to never have anything going on at all. I don’t see any friend every single week without fail - there’s always a week where one of us can’t meet!

Suggest coffee or another outing instead? Say you fancy breaking the routine.

She has been over-generous, the car thing is a big deal. I think she has tried to buy her way out of loneliness but it doesn’t work does it?

I don’t think you’ve set out to use this woman and ditch her but you’ve ended up accepting a lot from her as time has gone on. People will often treat you like a kid until you are more independent, it’s unpleasant but that’s how it is.

I'd really struggle with weekly meals and I know from personal experience how someone close to you can leave you feeling crap about yourself. You make perfect sense to me, the relationship needs to change and evolve, not because you hate her or want to dump her - just because you need to breathe and protect your self-esteem. There's no easy way other than making excuses about your free time being limited or you're studying flat out for something. Just be as kind as you can, but be firm and don't be persuaded into flexing away from what you've decided. Expect her to get cross and resentful and it's a bonus if she doesn't. Maybe make more of a fuss of her when you do see her on the reduced visits with little gifts and your full on attention.

If you want to reduce contact, just say you are not free this week but will see her the following one. As for her commenting on your life choices, just don't tell her some stuff or dodge the question. Your post does come across as aselfish though...not in the sense that you don't always have time each week to visit which is understandable ..but that you seem to have been on the receiving end of lots of her favours & time (babysitting) but not quite willing yourself to make the effort. And a guarantee is quite a big deal...without her you couldn't have gotten your car & she is putting herself at risk if you don't make the repayments. Maybe she is more the people pleaser than you.

How old are you both? I'm guessing you're about 30 and she's about 50?
In your post you come across as more like 12. You've used her for what you can get out of her and now you want to drop her.

@breakingupslowly

The car is half paid. I’m not in a position to pay it off right now. I use “friend” in inverted commas because she in her late 70s and I don’t see her as a friend. I see her more as a family member but didn’t know which word to use to describe her. People are jumping down my throat and assuming that I want to cut all contact with her after taking her for everything she’s got I’m not. I want to reduce contact so that I don’t feel as though she’s monitoring my life as much as what she is. I’ve moved not far away from where she lives and she comments about cars outside my house and asking who’s visiting and whether it’s a man. Then she said one of the other neighbours had seen me out with a man and said that we don’t look like a good fit. I just want to step away and get a healthy distance between us. Even when my mum was alive she was never like this so this behaviour is odd to me.

I’m beyond grateful for her being my guarantor. She insisted on doing this for me and I refused more than once because I was worried that this would happen. I’m not the heartless, ungrateful person people on here are wanting to believe!

Well in that case my original thought stands, that I think she is being a bit OTT and you're not in the wrong, OP.

It's horrible feeling beholden to someone because they've helped you and feel like you're being judged/losing your autonomy. And I agree, if someone does you a favour there should be no invisible covenants or expectations.

I think you'll feel so much better if you make the meals less frequent and re-callibrate the relationship, it's clear to me that you do care about her a great deal and appreciate her support.