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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What to do about this (interfering) “friend”?

133 replies

breakingupslowly · 28/03/2021 17:01

There’s a person in my life who’s helped me out a lot since my DC was small, and I was a single parent. She was my next door neighbour, and she used to babysit (sometimes still does), and generally became a family member that I never had. I moved house over a year ago, and we’re still in touch. She invites me and my DC round for dinner every week without fail, which is nice, but I also see it more or a chore than anything else these days.

She’s much older than I am and can be white interfering when it comes to my personal life and any decisions I make, including financial ones. Last year I took out a car on finance and she kindly agreed to be my guarantor. But I feel as though she holds this over me as she sometimes refers to it as “her” car. She comments on my relationship choices, and is very opinionated. I’m in my 30s so I’m more than capable of making my own decisions.

Aibu to want to back off from this relationship a little, and reduce these weekly dinners? I feel obliged and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. But I’m also fed up of being a people pleaser to the detriment of my own happiness. It’s exhausting.

OP posts:

RootyT00t · 28/03/2021 18:24

Out of interest OP

Was she the way you describe her before she became your guarantor and babysat and made your dinners?

If so, why did you allow this?

jellybellybanana · 28/03/2021 18:26

She seems to “buy” a lot of friendships/relationships by doing them financial favours and then complaining when they don’t seem grateful enoug

Didn't bother you when you wanted her financial favours, did it?

She funded an operation for a teenage boy on the street when his parents couldn’t afford to go private. The alternative was him losing a leg. It’s such a lovely gesture but she mentions it all the time about how it would be nice if they’d pop in for a cup of tea every now and then

She's not wrong, it would be bloody nice of them! She funded a private operation to keep a childs leg (must have cost a LOT) and they can't be fucked to be friendly with her? And you use this as a bad thing about her?

Poor bloody woman. Surrounded by users who just want what she gives and give nothing back.

Garlia · 28/03/2021 18:27

@jellybellybanana

Yes she has helped you and been a support, but surely that doesn't give her the right to interrogate you weekly and make you feel uncomfortable, OP

I imagine the friend would characterise it as chatting about life, you know, like a normal person?

That's not what the OP is describing, though. She feels grilled and uncomfortable.

RootyT00t · 28/03/2021 18:28

@Garlia

So uncomfortable she allows her to make her dinners, baby sit for her and be responsible for her car.

jellybellybanana · 28/03/2021 18:28

That's not what the OP is describing, though. She feels grilled and uncomfortable

Because she is desperate to make out this women to be bad, to justify ditching her now she is of little use.

RootyT00t · 28/03/2021 18:28

We all have a friend who dumps things about their relationship on us and then doesn't like it when we give advice they don't like.

jellybellybanana · 28/03/2021 18:29

And she manages to hide her discomfort still every time she wants a babysitter! (for free, I imagine)

Gooseygoosey12345 · 28/03/2021 18:30

This sounds like a you problem. Stop divulging all the information and learn to stop taking opinions to heart. You didn't mind listening when she was a benefit to you.

HollowTalk · 28/03/2021 18:31

@breakingupslowly

She hasn’t funded anything

. She’s my guarantor which means that if I ever defaulted (which I won’t) then she is my guarantor. Also, I never asked - she offered. She seems to “buy” a lot of friendships/relationships by doing them financial favours and then complaining when they don’t seem grateful enough. She funded an operation for a teenage boy on the street when his parents couldn’t afford to go private. The alternative was him losing a leg. It’s such a lovely gesture but she mentions it all the time about how it would be nice if they’d pop in for a cup of tea every now and then. IMO don’t offer to help people if you expect something in return. I enjoy seeing her once every few weeks but every single week is becoming a chore rather than an enjoyable meal. She talks down to me and I leave feeling like shit.

She funded an operation for a teenage boy on the street when his parents couldn’t afford to go private. The alternative was him losing a leg.

Are you in the UK?

1forAll74 · 28/03/2021 18:31

You have the power to change things a bit, See this person a bit less, and refrain from discussing your personal life too much. You could tell her that she is too critical, but this could upset her, and then you won't get any dinner ever again !

HollowTalk · 28/03/2021 18:32

The problem is that if you distance yourself I could understand why she'd panic in case you defaulted, as that's standard behaviour for some people.

RootyT00t · 28/03/2021 18:32

Anyone can cut off anyone they like at any time.

What is unfair to do is use them for what they're worth, then once you've moved, try and bin them off except when it suits, by pretending they are a bad person.

RootyT00t · 28/03/2021 18:33

@HollowTalk

The problem is that if you distance yourself I could understand why she'd panic in case you defaulted, as that's standard behaviour for some people.

Especially as she's moved.

Garlia · 28/03/2021 18:37

@jellybellybanana

That's not what the OP is describing, though. She feels grilled and uncomfortable

Because she is desperate to make out this women to be bad, to justify ditching her now she is of little use.

If OP didn't feel uncomfortable, there wouldn't be any issue or reason to villify this friend.

I have a cousin whose friend would always offer insist lots of help (and gifts, through her job) which my cousin gratefully accepted occasionally, but her friend expected more and more 'in return' - to see her for lunches on rare days off, to be invited on family days out, it was actually quite controlling in the end. Objectively it looked like my cousin was being ungrateful, but she had to distance herself. Her friend was quite an insecure person with not a lot in her own life going on, so I can see OP's view, even though it can come across as unkind.

RootyT00t · 28/03/2021 18:38

Yes there would.

She wants to ditch her now she's moved and doesn't need her help, so needs to make her out to be bad.

HollowTalk · 28/03/2021 18:39

When's the last payment on your car, OP?

jellybellybanana · 28/03/2021 18:43

If OP didn't feel uncomfortable, there wouldn't be any issue or reason to villify this friend

Of course there would! She's not a real friend, OP just wanted her for what she could provide and has no interest in actual friendship.

Garlia · 28/03/2021 18:44

@RootyT00t

Yes there would.

She wants to ditch her now she's moved and doesn't need her help, so needs to make her out to be bad.

Or this friend is overstepping the mark (perhaps without realising) and now OP is a bit more experienced/confident she is recognising it. Yes she's helped her hugely, which OP says she's been grateful for.

I'm not saying you're wrong, or I'm right it's probably somewhere in the middle!

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 28/03/2021 18:45

Op, she's like a family member. With the greatest will in the world, there are times where families need to some space from each other.

Has lockdown made it more intense as well?

Don't make any decisions now, but feign illness for a week or something to buy you some breathing space. Can you claim you need to isolate or something?

Don't burn your bridges though, she does sound kind.

RootyT00t · 28/03/2021 18:46

@Garlia

Maybe.

But given OP has so far managed to avoid answering when this guarantorship ends and also just gently dropped in the fact she's moved, I don't think she comes across well. Here at all.

greycloudysky · 28/03/2021 18:53

Find another guarantor for your car. Buy her something nice to thank her for her help, reduce the weekly visits to monthly and stop confiding in her, if you don't like her advice. You can't have it both ways. There's no such thing as a good deed unpunished. This woman sounds like she's lonely and vulnerable to predators.

Garlia · 28/03/2021 18:53

[quote RootyT00t]@Garlia

Maybe.

But given OP has so far managed to avoid answering when this guarantorship ends and also just gently dropped in the fact she's moved, I don't think she comes across well. Here at all.[/quote]
Very true, in a way I rather hope the friend is a bit OTT over the option that OP is being that ungrateful/using a person

RootyT00t · 28/03/2021 18:53

So do I. I would honestly despair.

Riv · 28/03/2021 18:56

I think you feel that the dynamic in your relationship is wrong. You like this woman but want to get the relationship on to a more equal footing. You have treated her as a substitute parent and she treats you as a child. It happens in many relationships and it’s hard but not impossible to re calibrate.
First you need to start talking to her as an equal. That’s really difficult as she will still talk down to you as a child, but don’t fall into that role. Discuss her pastimes and suggest things she might enjoy doing now lockdown is lifting - clubs, organisations, night classes, that sort of thing. Give her almost as much advice as she gives you. (Her response will tell you a lot)
Mention exciting things you are planning to do with your DC. and positive things in your life. Not necessarily big things just interesting ones that don’t involve her. Maybe mentioning using YOUR car more and that the expensive repayments are very manageable on your regular wage! ... thank you for being guarantor, isn’t it crazy that the company needed one when it was clear to both of us that it was well within my financial reach ... well ‘friends name’ I know you wouldn’t have agreed if you were unsure of my ability to keep up payments would you? You wouldn’t have been that foolish! You would have refused and talked me out of it surely, as any good friend would “ etc.
You say she won’t come to you for a meal, so insist on taking one round to her on your next visit (maybe a casserole that just needs heating up or something?)
When she asks you round the next week be “a bit busy but maybe in a fortnight?” Gradually reduce your visits - three times a month... once a fortnight... until you are both comfortable.
You can do it whilst regaining your confidence, reestablishing a more healthy relationship and without upsetting her if you do it slowly and methodically.
A bit like an adult daughter re negotiating her relationship with her mum.

Beautiful3 · 28/03/2021 18:59

She sounds lovely and kind. You are being unreasonable.

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