What to do about this (interfering) “friend”?

[breakingupslowly]

There’s a person in my life who’s helped me out a lot since my DC was small, and I was a single parent. She was my next door neighbour, and she used to babysit (sometimes still does), and generally became a family member that I never had. I moved house over a year ago, and we’re still in touch. She invites me and my DC round for dinner every week without fail, which is nice, but I also see it more or a chore than anything else these days.

She’s much older than I am and can be white interfering when it comes to my personal life and any decisions I make, including financial ones. Last year I took out a car on finance and she kindly agreed to be my guarantor. But I feel as though she holds this over me as she sometimes refers to it as “her” car. She comments on my relationship choices, and is very opinionated. I’m in my 30s so I’m more than capable of making my own decisions.

Aibu to want to back off from this relationship a little, and reduce these weekly dinners? I feel obliged and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. But I’m also fed up of being a people pleaser to the detriment of my own happiness. It’s exhausting.

OP, if PP is right and you feel hammered, I will apologise (as yours is the opinion who matters).

My hammering comes from frustration that you seem to be behaving badly to someone who you need and want in your life.

We've all been ther, we've all done it, and I too come from a background where I don't always have family to rely on.

It was more frustration on my part. Coupled with the fact we are a far blunter than normal due to the stress we are all under. But I've said my piece and I certainly have no intention to upset anyone or make them feel bad. I hope it resolves in whatever way works out best for you both.

@jellybellybanana

But I’m also fed up of being a people pleaser to the detriment of my own happiness. It’s exhausting

It's amazing how people can be so clueless about themselves. She babysat for you and still does, she guaranteed your loan, she feeds you and your kids every sodding week, and has done much for you.
But you see her as a chore and want to ditch her now she is of little use to you. And you think you are a kind and lovely people pleaser?

Fucks sake.

This basically - nothing wrong with calling her out when she’s being too bossy - but you adopted her as an aunt when it suited you and now you want to dump her when it doesn’t? Not cool.

@RootyT00t I think the intentions behind me starting this thread have been misconstrued. In no way am I saying that I’m wanting to ditch her because I’ve got what I want and she’s not longer serving a purpose. I want her in mine and my child’s lives forever. I was asking for advice on how to set boundaries and make the dynamics of our relationship healthier because at the minute I feel like I’m under neighbourhood watch and as though I have to live my life in accordance with how she wants it to be.

@breakingupslowly

I can see why it comes across as me being a user but I do honestly appreciate the help she’s given me. Without her being my guarantor, I would be in a mess. She makes me feel like a child and like I don’t know my own mind at times. I’m not the most secure person, and she triggers a lot of self-doubt and anxiety in me. I don’t know how to politely tell her that weekly visits, where we really have nothing to talk about, are too much.

You act like a child with her. You can become more independent of her but then you would have to manage on your own, is that what you want?

It’s really annoying that so many people are making things up and saying that I’m wanting to ditch or dump her

[quote breakingupslowly]@RootyT00t I think the intentions behind me starting this thread have been misconstrued. In no way am I saying that I’m wanting to ditch her because I’ve got what I want and she’s not longer serving a purpose. I want her in mine and my child’s lives forever. I was asking for advice on how to set boundaries and make the dynamics of our relationship healthier because at the minute I feel like I’m under neighbourhood watch and as though I have to live my life in accordance with how she wants it to be.[/quote]
I'm aware I'm being labelled as a dickhead so what I will say is if I've got it wrong I apologise.

My intentions were also not bad. I get it.

She didn’t “insist” on being your guarantor, you made that choice. Own it.

You may not be in a position to pay off the finance outright, but now that it’s a much lower amount, can you take out a loan (without a guarantor) and use that to pay off the finance. Then you just tell her how much you appreciated her help, and though you know she never minded, you’ve always wanted to take her off and stand on your own two feet - so here’s a big bunch of flowers, a big hug, and a big thank you.

Just because you appreciate something, doesn’t make you not a user.

Just because she “buys” friendship, doesn’t mean you didn’t sign up to be bought.

Like the boy whose operation she funded. She saved him a leg? Damn right those parents could pop in on her for a cup of tea! Bloody hell!

Many of her comments, I think you need to adjust how you react. Afterall, you can’t change her. So if she makes you feel like a child - maybe that’s because you know you’re acting like one?

If she says the man you’ve been seen with isn’t suitable, laugh and say, “I’m old enough to make my own decisions! Don’t buy a hat yet though!”

You are allowed to stand up for yourself.

As for the weekly dinners... well, how about you just tell her honestly that you’re introverted and feel a bit worn out getting the kids together for them - and could you do every other week now? What’s the worst that happens?

@VettiyaIruken

How did she know you needed one?

Exactly And she “insisted”? I doubt she forced you at accept her offer did she?

You are 'trapping' (for want of a better word) yourself here.
If you want to miss dinner then say so. I'm tired/swamped/have plans. Let's catch up next week.

Don't initiate telling her your woes and as far as possible be vague and tell her you're doing fine.

If she asks you intrusive questions you don't actually have to answer them. Or answer truthfully. You can be vague or just say it's all fine
You could ask her more about herself, her family history etc.
You could be assertive and tell her you appreciate the fact she cares but you aren't asking for her advice and you'd prefer to simply enjoy her company, etc

I think you're getting a hard time here OP, although I can see why. The optics aren't great.

I wonder if you've got yourself into this relationship further than you're comfortable with as it felt good to have a mother-figure but she has taken more than you're prepared to offer without you fully realising it was happening?

You have to play this carefully as she has invested a lot in your friendship and will be terribly hurt if she knew how you feel.

Why don't you start gradually cutting down to 3 times per month at first? When she comments that it's her car, remind her how much you appreciate support as guarantor, but if she goes on about it, jokingly say "if that's the case you owe me a fortune!" And laugh.
When she makes comments about who you choose to spend your time with, thank her for worrying about you but reassure her it's not necessary. If she continues, firmly ask her to stop as it's your business and no one else's. Then breezily move the chat on.
Keep your own business to yourself, chat about mundane things rather than keeping inviting her into your private life by sharing things with her. You can still be friendly just don't divulge too much.

Stop accepting help from her. Try to get a new loan in your name only. Surely your credit rating has improved since you have successfully paid your current debts?

if you don’t consider her a friend why the hell did you accept her offer of guaranteeing your loan?

Is there anything you can use as a reason to make these meals fortnightly rather than weekly, OP?

I think that you're getting an unfair deal here. I think this is a 50:50 thing. Yes, you let her do too much for you, but it also seems pretty clear that she feels she's bought you. And that's not right either.

If you can find a reason to reduce the meals by half, and still do her shopping etc sometimes, I think that's fair. And don't ask her to babysit any more. Don't add to what she seems to think you 'owe' her for.

It's tricky because you accepted a huge favour from her and are now effectively in her debt. Morally if not financially. You didn't have to get a car on finance - it's much cheaper just to buy an older car outright. Presumably you accepted her offer because you wanted a nice car that was beyond your means. Similarly with the babysitting. Either pay someone or don't go out.
On the other hand she does sound very intrusive and nosey! Can you try making an excuse to reduce the frequency of the visits ? Too tired etc. Or maybe shorten the visits to just a cuppa rather than dinner. And try to avoid her finding out personal info that she can criticise. Turn the conversation back to her or to more general topics rather than discussing anything personal?
Ultimately though if you accept help in this way, it can lead to an unbalanced relationship. Even if the person helping is actually a parent, relying on them too much will stop them seeing you as a capable adult.

I take it this lady doesn't have any family of her own? She sounds lonely and like she enjoys your company. You probably don't realise how much your weekly visits mean to her OP.

Just as you view her as a family member, she probably views you as a daughter/grand-daughter and is genuinely interested in your life, wants to be part of it.

If it were me, I'd continue the weekly visits but maybe reduce the time you spend their. Instead of going round at 4pm and leaving at 8pm (for example), go at 5 and leave at 7? That way she is still getting a weekly visit and a good chat but you don't find it such a chore as it isn't for too long.

She doesn't sound controlling to me, just lonely x

Remove her as you guarantor and then do what you like.

Otherwise...you sound like a user.

I think if the dynamics of the relationship are that you need her help then that has a lasting impact. You may be an adult but you needed a guarantor and she agreed to do that.

It's not her car as presumably she hasn't paid anything towards it.

@ElderMillennial

I think if the dynamics of the relationship are that you need her help then that has a lasting impact. You may be an adult but you needed a guarantor and she agreed to do that.

It's not her car as presumably she hasn't paid anything towards it.

It's her car. She's responsible for to.

It's her car. She's responsible for to.

That's not actually correct: Unlike a co-signer, a guarantor has no claim to the asset purchased by the borrower.

Semantics.

If OP defaults she is stuck with it.

True but, from the info we have, there's no sign of that.

I think she's using it as a reminder that she owns her (crude vocabulary but you know what I mean)

You don’t sound like a very good friend

You are both adults

Have an adult conversation about it.

Op I think you’ve been given a really hard time here.
Being a guarantor doesn’t mean your cats hers, she hasn’t paid a penny for it she’s a dick for referring to it as her car and knows exactly what she’s doing.
I’d just start calling her out on every. Single. Comment. Literally every time. Laugh and say “your car? Ok, you can pay the bill this month!” Or something similar.
Favours shouldn’t come with strings attached.

OP, I'm sorry you've had such shitty responses.

Yes, you've had help from this woman but I'm sure she's benefitted from having you in her life too.

First of all, you need to stop feeling beholden due to the guarantor thing. She can't rescind it can she? As long as keep making all your repayments, there is no need to constantly feel grateful for her or to thank for this.

In your shoes, I would gradually decrease the visits, go from weekly to bi-weekly and then to once a month.

But this means you do need to stop relying on her for babysitting.

Do you provide any help to her and are you in a position to provide it anymore?