What to do about this (interfering) “friend”?

[breakingupslowly]

There’s a person in my life who’s helped me out a lot since my DC was small, and I was a single parent. She was my next door neighbour, and she used to babysit (sometimes still does), and generally became a family member that I never had. I moved house over a year ago, and we’re still in touch. She invites me and my DC round for dinner every week without fail, which is nice, but I also see it more or a chore than anything else these days.

She’s much older than I am and can be white interfering when it comes to my personal life and any decisions I make, including financial ones. Last year I took out a car on finance and she kindly agreed to be my guarantor. But I feel as though she holds this over me as she sometimes refers to it as “her” car. She comments on my relationship choices, and is very opinionated. I’m in my 30s so I’m more than capable of making my own decisions.

Aibu to want to back off from this relationship a little, and reduce these weekly dinners? I feel obliged and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. But I’m also fed up of being a people pleaser to the detriment of my own happiness. It’s exhausting.

It’s quite funny that you see yourself as a people pleaser.

@Riv

I think you feel that the dynamic in your relationship is wrong. You like this woman but want to get the relationship on to a more equal footing. You have treated her as a substitute parent and she treats you as a child. It happens in many relationships and it’s hard but not impossible to re calibrate. First you need to start talking to her as an equal. That’s really difficult as she will still talk down to you as a child, but don’t fall into that role. Discuss her pastimes and suggest things she might enjoy doing now lockdown is lifting - clubs, organisations, night classes, that sort of thing. Give her almost as much advice as she gives you. (Her response will tell you a lot) Mention exciting things you are planning to do with your DC. and positive things in your life. Not necessarily big things just interesting ones that don’t involve her. Maybe mentioning using YOUR car more and that the expensive repayments are very manageable on your regular wage! ... thank you for being guarantor, isn’t it crazy that the company needed one when it was clear to both of us that it was well within my financial reach ... well ‘friends name’ I know you wouldn’t have agreed if you were unsure of my ability to keep up payments would you? You wouldn’t have been that foolish! You would have refused and talked me out of it surely, as any good friend would “ etc. You say she won’t come to you for a meal, so insist on taking one round to her on your next visit (maybe a casserole that just needs heating up or something?) When she asks you round the next week be “a bit busy but maybe in a fortnight?” Gradually reduce your visits - three times a month... once a fortnight... until you are both comfortable. You can do it whilst regaining your confidence, reestablishing a more healthy relationship and without upsetting her if you do it slowly and methodically. A bit like an adult daughter re negotiating her relationship with her mum.

thank you for being guarantor, isn’t it crazy that the company needed one when it was clear to both of us that it was well within my financial reach ... well ‘friends name’ I know you wouldn’t have agreed if you were unsure of my ability to keep up payments would you? You wouldn’t have been that foolish! You would have refused and talked me out of it surely, as any good

Hideous advice

It’s quite funny that you see yourself as a people pleaser

In my experience the people who say this about themselves are usually quite the opposite.
It's like people who say they are an empath...who are only ever concerned with their own feelings and needs, and clueless about other people.

I'm not sure what's worse, the OP complaining about having to visit after all the kindness this woman has shown, or the OP trying to demonstrate how unreasonable this woman is by telling us she mentions that the parents of the boy whose leg she saved don't visit!

First thing I'd do is refinance my car if that's possible. If you do you can present it to her as wanting to 'relieve her of any worry'.

Then as someone suggested you need to reply to her as an adult. She makes a statement about how you should be doing XYZ, you reply "I considered that but the decision I made is the best for me" or words to that effect, or just reply "Mm-Hmm" vaguely and change the subject.

As far as the weekly dinner, you can say 'no', you know. Feeling ill, working late, there are many excuses to avoid an unwanted invitation. You don't have to sit her down and say "You're smothering me". Unless you want to.

It has become abundantly clear that OP is either nearly finished her payments or isn't willing to discuss the car.

Re smothering, the woman has done everything for her which OP was fine to take.

@Riv

I think you feel that the dynamic in your relationship is wrong. You like this woman but want to get the relationship on to a more equal footing. You have treated her as a substitute parent and she treats you as a child. It happens in many relationships and it’s hard but not impossible to re calibrate. First you need to start talking to her as an equal. That’s really difficult as she will still talk down to you as a child, but don’t fall into that role. Discuss her pastimes and suggest things she might enjoy doing now lockdown is lifting - clubs, organisations, night classes, that sort of thing. Give her almost as much advice as she gives you. (Her response will tell you a lot) Mention exciting things you are planning to do with your DC. and positive things in your life. Not necessarily big things just interesting ones that don’t involve her. Maybe mentioning using YOUR car more and that the expensive repayments are very manageable on your regular wage! ... thank you for being guarantor, isn’t it crazy that the company needed one when it was clear to both of us that it was well within my financial reach ... well ‘friends name’ I know you wouldn’t have agreed if you were unsure of my ability to keep up payments would you? You wouldn’t have been that foolish! You would have refused and talked me out of it surely, as any good friend would “ etc. You say she won’t come to you for a meal, so insist on taking one round to her on your next visit (maybe a casserole that just needs heating up or something?) When she asks you round the next week be “a bit busy but maybe in a fortnight?” Gradually reduce your visits - three times a month... once a fortnight... until you are both comfortable. You can do it whilst regaining your confidence, reestablishing a more healthy relationship and without upsetting her if you do it slowly and methodically. A bit like an adult daughter re negotiating her relationship with her mum.

Are you perhaps missing that OP put friend in inverted commas in her thread title?

Shows exactly what she really thinks of this poor woman - she has served her purpose as far as OP is concerned.

Users gotta use I guess...

I also cant find a single thing to suggest OP likes anything about this woman other than her money and services.

This is easy - stand on your own 2 feet in life then you owe nobody anything. You are a user. I feel sorry for the lady who has helped you out.

For her to offer to be your guarantor you must have been giving her a sob story about needing a new car.

The next time she summons you for supper, say "Oh, we've got a lot on this week and next, but thanks anyways. Can I check back with you in a few weeks?" And slowly try to build larger gaps between dinners. That may leave you with more to talk about when you do finally meet up, and will give you time to think about what information you do and don't want to share with her.

The car is half paid. I’m not in a position to pay it off right now. I use “friend” in inverted commas because she in her late 70s and I don’t see her as a friend. I see her more as a family member but didn’t know which word to use to describe her. People are jumping down my throat and assuming that I want to cut all contact with her after taking her for everything she’s got I’m not. I want to reduce contact so that I don’t feel as though she’s monitoring my life as much as what she is. I’ve moved not far away from where she lives and she comments about cars outside my house and asking who’s visiting and whether it’s a man. Then she said one of the other neighbours had seen me out with a man and said that we don’t look like a good fit. I just want to step away and get a healthy distance between us. Even when my mum was alive she was never like this so this behaviour is odd to me.

I’m beyond grateful for her being my guarantor. She insisted on doing this for me and I refused more than once because I was worried that this would happen. I’m not the heartless, ungrateful person people on here are wanting to believe!

How did she know you needed one?

@breakingupslowly

The car is half paid. I’m not in a position to pay it off right now. I use “friend” in inverted commas because she in her late 70s and I don’t see her as a friend. I see her more as a family member but didn’t know which word to use to describe her. People are jumping down my throat and assuming that I want to cut all contact with her after taking her for everything she’s got I’m not. I want to reduce contact so that I don’t feel as though she’s monitoring my life as much as what she is. I’ve moved not far away from where she lives and she comments about cars outside my house and asking who’s visiting and whether it’s a man. Then she said one of the other neighbours had seen me out with a man and said that we don’t look like a good fit. I just want to step away and get a healthy distance between us. Even when my mum was alive she was never like this so this behaviour is odd to me.

I’m beyond grateful for her being my guarantor. She insisted on doing this for me and I refused more than once because I was worried that this would happen. I’m not the heartless, ungrateful person people on here are wanting to believe!

Mmm.

Still not convincing me I'm afraid.

@Nandocushion

The next time she summons you for supper, say "Oh, we've got a lot on this week and next, but thanks anyways. Can I check back with you in a few weeks?" And slowly try to build larger gaps between dinners. That may leave you with more to talk about when you do finally meet up, and will give you time to think about what information you do and don't want to share with her.

Summons 🙄

Jesus Christ, @RootyT00t and @jellybellybanana give it a rest. Some of your posts are absolutely reaching, filling in gaps with your own rhetoric. You’ve decided (made up) that the OP hates the woman and basically may as well want to set her on fire now she’s guaranteed the car purchase and she’s got what she wants...

Calm down, the pair of you. Also, Rooty, the OP says early on the things she does for this woman.

OP, the monitoring and commenting on who you’ve been seen with, your life choices, etc, is hugely intrusive. Especially telling you you don’t seem a good fit with whatever man. However, you’re young, she’s offered you lots of support, and you have to accept that she probably feels very protective of you and your child, especially if you have made some bad choices in the past. You need to work on standing on your own two feet more, asserting yourself and realising that you do owe this woman something, but that something isn’t your life.

@ButIcantsitonleather

Jesus Christ, *@RootyT00t and @jellybellybanana* give it a rest. Some of your posts are absolutely reaching, filling in gaps with your own rhetoric. You’ve decided (made up) that the OP hates the woman and basically may as well want to set her on fire now she’s guaranteed the car purchase and she’s got what she wants...

Calm down, the pair of you. Also, Rooty, the OP says early on the things she does for this woman.

OP, the monitoring and commenting on who you’ve been seen with, your life choices, etc, is hugely intrusive. Especially telling you you don’t seem a good fit with whatever man. However, you’re young, she’s offered you lots of support, and you have to accept that she probably feels very protective of you and your child, especially if you have made some bad choices in the past. You need to work on standing on your own two feet more, asserting yourself and realising that you do owe this woman something, but that something isn’t your life.

What have I made up that isn't in the posts?

Arsey post from Rooty in three...two...one...

@ButIcantsitonleather

Arsey post from Rooty in three...two...one...

Eh?

Are you a name changed poster or am I right in thinking we've had absolutely no interactions and youre making things up ?

Having said that, as you can see, I didn't give an arsey response. Why would I?

She wants to ditch her now she's moved and doesn't need her help, so needs to make her out to be bad

She doesn’t want to ditch her. She wants to reduce weekly dinners whereby she’s help up to scrutiny and found wanting, to once a fortnight.

I also cant find a single thing to suggest OP likes anything about this woman other than her money and services

The OP has written a few sentences on a forum about the relationship and in particular what she finds difficult. She has said that she sees this woman as family but as they aren’t actually related, used the word friend. As she sees her as family, one would assume she is very fond of her.

Now, that’s just from two of your more recent posts. I have better things to do that go through all of them.

I just can’t stand it when a bored poster is like a dog with a bone and goes on and on at an OP, hammering away at them until....what? What’s your end goal? The OP vanishes and you can rub your hands together and chalk it up as a victory? Until the OP breaks down entirely? Until they roll over and say “oh wonderful Rooty, you’re so right, I’m an awful person and I cannot thank you enough for showing me the light?”

@breakingupslowly

I don’t want to ditch her at all. I’m posting here for advice on how to make things a bit less intense. I’m very much an introvert so having dinner every week where I get grilled about my life choices is a lot for me. I’d be happy to do it once or twice a month, but every week is a lot.

I know we are currently in lockdown so there isn't a lot open at the moment but how about suggesting that her making dinner every week just isn't fair and perhaps you could take her for coffee instead one week instead. You say you don't want to ditch her but the format of dinner every week is obviously getting stale if it feels like a chore so suggest something else.

And yes as PP have said being a guarantor for you is a HUGE favor, it really blurs the lines of the friendship, can she afford to loose the money if you default on your car purchase? If she can't then maybe she feel uneasy about it, like it was the right thing to do but now she is stuck with the responsibility.

@ButIcantsitonleather

She wants to ditch her now she's moved and doesn't need her help, so needs to make her out to be bad

She doesn’t want to ditch her. She wants to reduce weekly dinners whereby she’s help up to scrutiny and found wanting, to once a fortnight.

I also cant find a single thing to suggest OP likes anything about this woman other than her money and services

The OP has written a few sentences on a forum about the relationship and in particular what she finds difficult. She has said that she sees this woman as family but as they aren’t actually related, used the word friend. As she sees her as family, one would assume she is very fond of her.

Now, that’s just from two of your more recent posts. I have better things to do that go through all of them.

I just can’t stand it when a bored poster is like a dog with a bone and goes on and on at an OP, hammering away at them until....what? What’s your end goal? The OP vanishes and you can rub your hands together and chalk it up as a victory? Until the OP breaks down entirely? Until they roll over and say “oh wonderful Rooty, you’re so right, I’m an awful person and I cannot thank you enough for showing me the light?”

I have no comment to make , as your opinion of me is completely irrelevant, so I'm not giving you any more airtime. I also have better things to do than read your nonsense.

I was just trying to break your cycle of constant posts about how awful the OP is @RootyT00t.

@ButIcantsitonleather

I was just trying to break your cycle of constant posts about how awful the OP is *@RootyT00t*.

Well done you 🎉🎉