Page 2 | What to do about this (interfering) “friend”?

lockeddownandcrazy · 28/03/2021 17:33

You only want it on your terms then - a guarantor for your loan and childcare, but she cant have an opinion or get anything out of it.

RootyT00t · 28/03/2021 17:38

@breakingupslowly

There’s a person in my life who’s helped me out a lot since my DC was small, and I was a single parent. She was my next door neighbour, and she used to babysit (sometimes still does), and generally became a family member that I never had. I moved house over a year ago, and we’re still in touch. She invites me and my DC round for dinner every week without fail, which is nice, but I also see it more or a chore than anything else these days.

She’s much older than I am and can be white interfering when it comes to my personal life and any decisions I make, including financial ones. Last year I took out a car on finance and she kindly agreed to be my guarantor. But I feel as though she holds this over me as she sometimes refers to it as “her” car. She comments on my relationship choices, and is very opinionated. I’m in my 30s so I’m more than capable of making my own decisions.

Aibu to want to back off from this relationship a little, and reduce these weekly dinners? I feel obliged and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. But I’m also fed up of being a people pleaser to the detriment of my own happiness. It’s exhausting.

Wow.

Erm, yes you are being unreasonable.

RootyT00t · 28/03/2021 17:39

Interesting you say you're nearly 30 and capable of making your own decisions about when you will use this woman for her babysitting, paying for your car, eating her dinners...

RootyT00t · 28/03/2021 17:39

Out of interest, do you also dump on her about your relationship?

LawnFever · 28/03/2021 17:45

I’m in my 30s so I’m more than capable of making my own decisions

But yet you’re not capable of saying no thank you to a dinner invite, or to sorting out childcare or a car loan without support, so you’re not really behaving like someone who is capable of making their own decisions

Bluebells32 · 28/03/2021 17:47

Make an excuse about a Sunday meet up every fortnight. Don't make financial arrangements with her again, it provides an excuse to have more access to you. All relationships change overtime. There's nothing mean about wanting to reduce a level of influence if you feel they're over involved.

HunkyPunk · 28/03/2021 17:53

You ought to write a 'note to self', op:
When wishing to distance yourself from someone -
Step1 - do not ask them to do you a huge (especially financially-based) favour!

Oldbird69 · 28/03/2021 17:53

I’ve offered to cook for her so many times but I have a cat, so she refuses to visit as it means she can’t bring her dog (she won’t leave the house without her dog). I do shopping for her and help wherever I can, but there’s not much else I can do.

Yep.....sounds like a typical parent/child relationship. If this lady lives alone with her dog, she probably has a lot of time to think about you. It's obvious she cares about you and your little family, and is probably genuinely worried about you.

Garlia · 28/03/2021 17:55

Yes she has helped you and been a support, but surely that doesn't give her the right to interrogate you weekly and make you feel uncomfortable, OP.

Suzi888 · 28/03/2021 17:57

I can see your point but YABU accepting help from her, you’ve been happy to do this but now you don’t want to have dinner with her. I feel sorry for her, she has now idea that your friendship isn’t genuine.

jellybellybanana · 28/03/2021 17:58

Yes she has helped you and been a support, but surely that doesn't give her the right to interrogate you weekly and make you feel uncomfortable, OP

I imagine the friend would characterise it as chatting about life, you know, like a normal person?

RootyT00t · 28/03/2021 18:00

@Garlia

Yes she has helped you and been a support, but surely that doesn't give her the right to interrogate you weekly and make you feel uncomfortable, OP.

Interrogate?

You mean dinner for her and her son and give her advice on her relationship (which I imagine OP has also dumped on her).

RootyT00t · 28/03/2021 18:01

@Bluebells32

Make an excuse about a Sunday meet up every fortnight. Don't make financial arrangements with her again, it provides an excuse to have more access to you. All relationships change overtime. There's nothing mean about wanting to reduce a level of influence if you feel they're over involved.

Maybe the friend should make an excuse about why she can no longer fund her, and see how far OP gets.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 28/03/2021 18:01

@jellybellybanana

But I’m also fed up of being a people pleaser to the detriment of my own happiness. It’s exhausting

It's amazing how people can be so clueless about themselves. She babysat for you and still does, she guaranteed your loan, she feeds you and your kids every sodding week, and has done much for you.
But you see her as a chore and want to ditch her now she is of little use to you. And you think you are a kind and lovely people pleaser?

Fucks sake.

I have to second this. It sounds like she is over involved in your life because you need someone to be, and are lucky to have a mother figure rather than fill this gap with a man. Age doesn’t mean you are making great decisions.

Also agree—doesn’t sound like you have a lot of insight if you think you’re a people pleaser. I might be entirely wrong, but I’m guessing that is people pleasing towards men you date? It sounds like there is a big backstory here

RootyT00t · 28/03/2021 18:03

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

I read it as agreeing to have dinner made for her when it's a chore.

How awful of the friend. OP is a saint

expectopelargonium · 28/03/2021 18:07

Her being a guarantor for your very large purchase does make you somewhat beholden to her though, doesn't it? You don't seem all that grateful tbh.

She clearly does have personal and financial reasons to be interested in you, because if anything went wrong she would be dumped right in it, so I don't think she is being unreasonable.

Doyoumindfisithere · 28/03/2021 18:08

@breakingupslowly

I can see why it comes across as me being a user but I do honestly appreciate the help she’s given me. Without her being my guarantor, I would be in a mess. She makes me feel like a child and like I don’t know my own mind at times. I’m not the most secure person, and she triggers a lot of self-doubt and anxiety in me. I don’t know how to politely tell her that weekly visits, where we really have nothing to talk about, are too much.

I think you are blaming her for your self-doubt a bit here?

Weekly visits with family etc often have little to talk about, but the point is they are about people being kind.

If you want to get on a more equal footing, be careful not to take too much form her in future.

But I think it is harsh to bail out after so much help.

picklemewalnuts · 28/03/2021 18:08

Tell her you need help now to work on your self esteem and confidence. That you appreciate how kind she has been and you'd like her to support you in becoming more confident in your own choices.
You don't need to bin her off, just ask her to support your growing independence- think of some things she can help you with which will make you more independent.

1980tastic · 28/03/2021 18:11

Without her being my guarantor, I would be in a mess. She makes me feel like a child

Bht that's the dynamic that you've created by letting her get involved in your finances at her own risk.

I'm not saying you owe her your time but it's a bit cheeky to invite her into such private areas if your life then back off when you don't want anything else from her. It's cheeky fuckery.

Get her off your financial commitments then you might have some of my sympathy...

Original poster

breakingupslowly · 28/03/2021 18:14

She hasn’t funded anything . She’s my guarantor which means that if I ever defaulted (which I won’t) then she is my guarantor. Also, I never asked - she offered. She seems to “buy” a lot of friendships/relationships by doing them financial favours and then complaining when they don’t seem grateful enough. She funded an operation for a teenage boy on the street when his parents couldn’t afford to go private. The alternative was him losing a leg. It’s such a lovely gesture but she mentions it all the time about how it would be nice if they’d pop in for a cup of tea every now and then. IMO don’t offer to help people if you expect something in return. I enjoy seeing her once every few weeks but every single week is becoming a chore rather than an enjoyable meal. She talks down to me and I leave feeling like shit.

OP posts:

MiaMarshmallows · 28/03/2021 18:15

Some of these comments are harsh and I say this from being on the other end of being extremely used.
OP, it does sound like this woman has done a lot for you and it wouldn't be kind or right to just ditch her because she no longer has a use. Your child would have built up a relationship with her as well.
I have been on the receiving end of being ghosted when I had no use anymore and it really hurts.
Personally, I would reduce your contact with her (Once a month dinners maybe) and be more firm when she makes comments you do not like. Nobody gets to make you feel bad about yourself even if they have done a lot for you in the past. Just please be mindful of her feelings and your child's also.

Original poster

breakingupslowly · 28/03/2021 18:18

I would never ever ghost her, or ditch her. I’m basically asking how to politely reduce contact to something that’s a bit healthier and less intrusive.

OP posts:

RootyT00t · 28/03/2021 18:18

@breakingupslowly

She hasn’t funded anything

. She’s my guarantor which means that if I ever defaulted (which I won’t) then she is my guarantor. Also, I never asked - she offered. She seems to “buy” a lot of friendships/relationships by doing them financial favours and then complaining when they don’t seem grateful enough. She funded an operation for a teenage boy on the street when his parents couldn’t afford to go private. The alternative was him losing a leg. It’s such a lovely gesture but she mentions it all the time about how it would be nice if they’d pop in for a cup of tea every now and then. IMO don’t offer to help people if you expect something in return. I enjoy seeing her once every few weeks but every single week is becoming a chore rather than an enjoyable meal. She talks down to me and I leave feeling like shit.

Right ..but I'd for whatever reason something happens OP, she is responsible for your car! You should be able to secure your own car!

You clearly don't like her and are now twisting things to make her sound awful, so door the poor woman a favour , change your guarantor, don't let her babysit for you and don't go for dinner.

It sounds as if you are very immature so I'm not surprised she tries to help you.

Do you do anything for her?

Crimeismymiddlename · 28/03/2021 18:20

She has done you some massive favours-I have friends who I have known most of my life and trust implicitly, still would not be a guarantor as I can’t afford the extra bills if something goes wrong. It does seem like you have used her and now you don’t need her as much you want to pull away. I hope this is not the case, but you have learnt that once someone has a financial stake in anything they also have a say. You should always repay favours, and in this case she wants your time-if you could go every second week due to an immovable commitment maybe it would be better for both of you. Stop asking her for favours as well.

AliceMcK · 28/03/2021 18:22

@jellybellybanana

But I’m also fed up of being a people pleaser to the detriment of my own happiness. It’s exhausting

It's amazing how people can be so clueless about themselves. She babysat for you and still does, she guaranteed your loan, she feeds you and your kids every sodding week, and has done much for you.
But you see her as a chore and want to ditch her now she is of little use to you. And you think you are a kind and lovely people pleaser?

Fucks sake.

Very much this.

Ok some of her comments may be a little off saying it’s her car but at the end of the day she is the one who is carrying your risk, not you. I know people who wouldn’t do this for their own children.

If she’s the family member you’ve never had then why would you be thinking of just disregarding her like this?

She’s been there for you, you’d be very selfish not to be there for her. Especially if your still paying finance off on the car she’s legally liable for.