To ask what your biggest regret in life is?

[SylviaPlath1984]

Or even what you feel you might regret in the future if you don't do it soon?

I regret not taking school more seriously or trying harder, not making more of myself.

What about you?

Getting married. Happy with the relationship but not the institution. If I could go back I’d not get married, just cohabit.

@chaosmaker

What is the point of regret?

If you don’t understand your mistakes you are more likely to repeat them.

Not pursuing some career opportunities, or taking opportunities somewhat slowly. If I am honest, shouting and getting cross with my kids when they were small. We all do it, but with hindsight the time was precious, shouting achieved nothing and in the greater scheme of things it did not matter, and the time when they were small was precious.

@LavenderLollies

You were not an idiot. All our lives, we are told to trust doctors and nurses, they are heroes, they know what they are doing, they are all good people and they'll look after you. They've got your best interest at heart.

Sadly, that's not true. Doctors and nurses are just as likely to be lazy, negligent, cold and dismissive as any other person. The difference is, they have your life and your mental health in their hands. And some of them couldn't give less of a shit.

When mine were in nicu, the breast is best message was overwhelming. They gave me the wrong pump equipment, which caused me significant deep soft tissue bruising and extreme pain- it was basically torture.I was sobbing my heart out every time i had to express. And yet they criticized me in earshot because i wasn't producing enough milk. Because of the nurse's negligence. She was an arrogant bitch, and her actions and those of a number of other doctors and nurses caused me ptsd. They never ever made me feel like it was an option to stop. They made me feel like if i was a good mum, id keep going because what sort of mum wouldn't want the best for her baby?

I've had a significant amount of psych treatment and now accept that i should have been able to trust the medical staff, they should have had my best interest at heart and they didn't. You tried and tried to do your best for your baby and there is nothing more you could have done. You were not stupid to trust the people that should have been looking after you. They failed, not you. You are amazing and you fought and fought for your baby. You were hugely let down. I hope the treatment helps you. But please, as someone who has been there and suffered horrendously with my mental health - this was not your fault. You did the absolute best you could have done for your baby at that time with the resources and information you had then.

I bitterly regret having major body and self confidence issues. It holds me back and makes me feel unworthy despite my achievements. A lot of this stems from my mother who puts herself down all the time.

Not going on an overseas project that I was offered a place on. I was 18, no kids or other ties. Most people including my family convinced me that it would be too difficult to fundraise, a year out is for someone who doesn't know what they want to do/has failed their A levels, I wouldn't like it out there away from family, I may get into some sort of trouble and wish I'd not gone and that going straight to university and finishing my studies was the sensible thing to do. Naturally everyone who went on the project had an amazing time and still talks about it now nearly 30 years on. My other is not finishing my degree that I went to do instead of the overseas trip. I think at the time my heart wasn't in it, I was kind of bored with studying and being "good". I met DS1's dad and just wasted the year really before failing the exams and leaving. With hindsight it was a bad move, though I have subsequently rebuilt my life from the wreckage that my ex ended up leaving. I sometimes wonder if I'd been helped instead of discouraged and taken the year out would I have come back really ready to get stuck into uni? Grown more independent in a positive way? Felt confident in my own decisions and abilities instead of being a people pleaser? I'll never know and everyone did what they thought was best at the time so there's no blame really, just speculation.

@lavenderLollies you are not to blame one little bit. I encountered a similar attitude 25 years ago where the mantra was breast is best and there was no support practically or emotionally to switch to FF. It made me ill both physically and emotionally. Physically I ended up with a breast abscess and emotionally felt worthless as a mother. My HV even said "breastfeeding mothers put the baby first; bottle feeding mothers put themselves first and no she couldn't help as not an expert so ring up the NCT".

BF is a tiny part of motherhood and our children don't remember it. They remember their favourite dinners, mummy sympathising over their first graze, cheering their first goal, waving from the audience at their first nativity play and much later wiping away their tears when they are dumped for the first time and waving their GCSE results at you in triumph or despair. Being there and loving them whatever is what makes a mother.

They let you down. You did not let your boy down by acting on their advice. I hope the therapy helps.

Accepting my mother's behaviour as something I had to accept. 30 years after leaving home I am still paying the price of the mental abuse I suffered at her hands

Two things..... the main one is that I regret starting work at a hairdressers at the tender age of 16 which led to me working all hours for virtually no pay, and having to sell my horse as I had no time for him. Still miss him to this day (although I know he is most definitely not around any more).

The second one is not being honest about my feelings to one of my male friends when I had the chance. Often wonder "what if" 30+ years later when I'm having a bad day!

Not getting extremely drunk on July 11th 1996 when graduating as I was in an accident (a fall) that’s left me with chronic pain. Not wasting my time doing another degree as the job is horrendous and you don’t find out until the 3rd year , plus the 27 grand debt I now have. I regret not listening to some of the things my ex husband said in terms of places to live and not wasting my time doing the 2nd degree . I regret moving from Snowdonia National park with beautiful views to live in Oxford. Not working hard enough on a marriage when I was able to . Don’t worry about doing degrees going to uni. The most important thing in life are the people you are with.

I regret wasting 10 years from the age of 19 on a selfish, commitment phobic fuckwit. I really wish I'd spent those 10 years enjoying my youth and living it up. As it was I followed him round like a sheep, supporting and building his career, actually writing some of the articles he became lauded for and then had the scales fall from my eyes when he turned up one day to tell me that he'd bought himself a property and I wouldn't be sharing it with him. He had the audacity, when I finally broke up with him, to say that he hoped that I wouldn't look back on our time together as wasted time, so he knew what he was.

@pastaparadise

Not rtft but these are really interesting. Seems people often regret not taking the 'other path'. So some regretting settling down too young, but others too late, not having children or having too many, going to uni or not, travelling/ spending or working/ saving. It's easier to think life would be better if we'd done something different, but we can never really know.

I like the lyric "our circumstances are half chance, so don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself too much either".

so well observed.

walking into the house before the neighbour hood bully raped me. Not seeing my mum and telling her I love her before she died when I was 13. marrying the first man who said he loved me . Not leaving him the first time . Not leaving him the second time. Not having the mental capacity to fully comprehend the gastric bypass so the weight went back on. Not to drink so much now my health is in danger.
I know i must take responsibility for all my actions but I regret my life. I just hope my child will be ok when I go.

@sunshinesky

I’m so sorry you went through that LavenderLollies, and didn’t receive better care or advice. I certainly didn’t know low supply could be so dangerous and I’m sure many others don’t.

Thank you so much for reading and being so kind ❤️

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

One thing that really frightens me is that my DH is a doctor and he was with me the entire time, and yet somehow he allowed it to happen too. I just feel like we were seriously taken advantage of in a way. We were exhausted beyond anything we'd ever felt before, I was in a mess physically from the birth, DH knew something was up but he reasoned in his sleep deprived state that the midwives around us were the experts in this stuff and that we should believe them. It's so scary.

When I got the pump given in hospital nobody showed me how to use it so I just whacked it on what turned out to be the highest setting too and ended up with blood blisters :( It WAS torture, just like you say. Because I wasn't making enough milk I had to massage and knead both breasts the whole nine months of pumping so hard that I was bruised until the day I stopped. I can't believe there was nobody to tell me that wasn't okay and to just stop. Your awful experience sounds almost identical to mine, right down to me waiting to start therapy for PTSD from the situation. Even writing this has my heart pounding but I don't want to not. I was given that kind of bright airy encouragement every day, the 'you're doing great, baby will get what he needs, don't waste a drop of that liquid gold, even a drop will help him!' which is infantilising nonsense, the benefits of breast milk are dose dependent, it's not magic it's just food, and a drop isn't going to do shit. The pressure was just immense. And like you, I didn't see an option to stop. Because what kind of mum would refuse to give her baby 'the best', when everyone around you is telling you it's for the best? All the while you're starving them half to death. It felt like being gaslit. My baby starving while everyone patted me on the back with a bright smile saying I was doing great and don't worry I'm just anxious, all mums worry they don't make enough milk but I will, just trust my body. It enrages me now. I thank you so much for your comment, your final paragraph I know to be true, I know it logically, I just need to try and come to terms with the trauma and move past it. One of my goals for treatment is to write and make a complaint about what they did to me and him and us. I can't at the moment face it, but I will. Even though it's been nearly eighteen months. Thanks again for sharing your experience, it makes me so glad I'm not alone even though I wish nobody else had to go through it.

@RosesAndHellebores

I am horrified but not surprised at what you went through and I'm so sorry. I have seen so many people with similar attitudes. Our male electrician FFS who came to wire the house got talking about infant feeding as he had kids and told me that some women just couldn't be bothered to breastfeed because it's too much like hard work. I could have electrocuted him myself, though I stayed positive and polite and explained to him that actually the difference between the two is negligible and not everyone can physically breastfeed, nor do people owe anyone their reasons for not doing so. I'm sick of the assumption that a new parent will breastfeed. I even saw a woman on a facebook group say she will ALWAYS make the assumption that someone is going to breastfeed as it helps to 'normalise it' lol.

One positive is that as DH is a doctor, what we went through has educated him so much on many aspects of breastfeeding, he knows so much more now than he did then and has taken it into his practice. He doesn't ask people 'are you breastfeeding?' making them have to say 'no' if not, he asks how baby's feeding is going with no prejudgment either way. He will never ever state the words 'breast is best', he explains that 'best' is an individual decision on behalf of each dyad and that mental wellbeing is a huge part of that. He knows a lot about delayed lactogenesis and the impact on newborns and is more alert to spotting it. And most of all he reassures people that there is no better or worse feeding method, whatever they chose and are safely able to do is what's best for their baby and gives people permission to stop if it's not working out. No doubt many lactavists would see that as a negative thing (how many times do you see 'doctors push formula at all costs'?) but infant feeding shouldn't be shrouded in massive pressure to do one thing or another, it should start from a position where all methods are valid and people given support to achieve their own goal if it's safe to do so.

Thanks again to you both. I will namechange now as this is completely outing lol. Jumped on my laptop to write this as I can type much faster on a keyboard, this only took five minutes to write! And apologies to everyone else having to scroll so far through this haha.

My regrets have been amplified by this year of enforced isolation, change and introspection. My biggie is marrying my now exDH. Deep down i knew it when I married him (and I kick myself for not listening to myself more on that one every day) He slowly crushed my spirit and confidence through his selfishness, belittling more and more as time went on, making me feel that it was all my fault. That said, I wouldn't have my kids who i adore, and I'm now out of it and SO BLOODY GRATEFUL, and at least I didn't have to be in lockdown with him.

I regret caring so much what people thought of me that it stopped me doing and saying what I wanted more.

And not helped by ex squashing my confidence, but I also wish I had been braver.

This post initally made me a bit sad reading through all these regrets but - silver lining - the positive and supportive messages have inspired me to promise to myself that I will try to be a bit braver, do a bit better, believe in myself more, do and say what I think is right, and stand up for myself and even if i'm not perfect at it all the time, to not beat myself up about it. (ask me again in a week and i may have fallen off this wagon but for now,

I’ve been thinking about this recently and I’ve realised that my regrets aren’t really true regrets as the decisions were right for me at the time or that there was nothing I could do about them as they were out of my hands.

For example I’ve wondered in the past what would have happened had I chosen to stay on at school for sixth form instead of going to college. Undoubtedly I would have had more support at school but I think the ultimate outcome, which was me having to drop out due to ill health and thus not getting into university, would have been the same.

Getting married, and spending too long trying to persuade my ex to be reasonable with the divorce. Should've gone straight to court. Battling it out 4.5 years later

Wow some of these are really heartbreaking.

It's only a little one but I regret not buying and using scales when I was pregnant. I put on far too much excess weight without realising it wasn't all baby. That then took me over a decade to lose and left me with a belly flap.

Choice of degree and career, though not total regret as there’ve been some good things, eg OK wages, work and working hours, job security.

I regret letting my controlling, narcissistic mother dictate my life for so long. I had a couple of good opportunities to break free and she always suckered me back in by destroying my self esteem. I'm so sad for my younger self that she ruined so many things and so many years for me.

We're low contact now - I moved 3000 miles away 7 years ago and my life is amazing now. The last time I saw her was 2 years ago. Thanks Covid!

@torquewench

I wish Id never married my exH. Wasted 20+ years on someone I had nothing in common with, who to this day wont remember the date of my birthday or my likes and dislikes and never used his imagination when buying a gift (for birthdays (when reminded) and christmas only, never, ever anything spontaneous). He had tens of thousands of £s in his current account but was always moaning about being skint and somehow I was always overdrawn. He has zero interest in his appearance and lives in the same clothes until they fall apart - he would wear the same underpants and socks for a week at a time. He is much older than me. I get so frustrated when I see my friends with partners that they actually share a life with - holidays together, children, shared interests, just generally having fun. I was isolated, skint and sexually frustrated as he made minimal effort there also. He was happy to spend every minute in his workshop and just appear at mealtimes. Cant believe i really thought that was any way to live for so long.

Please tell me you're happier now. And that he's sitting alone in his crusty socks and underpants realising he should have treated you better.

@LavenderLollies

I wish you all the very, very best. It is possible to overcome it, it will never leave me but, and i never thought this would be possible, i have managed to get past it. I can talk about it without crying, i can think about it and recognise that it's in the past. I would get extremely triggered by people who would ask me if i was having any more babies. I couldn't bear to hear anything about pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding because it just triggered panic attacks the whole time. I felt ashamed. Like what's wrong with me that i couldnt do it? Everyone else can, it's the most natural thing in the world - but after what my poor body had been through, there was no chance in this world that i would ever be able to produce enough milk.

When my babies went onto formula, the nurses were not allowed to give me any information on bottles or formula at all. They said they weren't allowed to do anything that was seen to be promoting bottle feeding, even though it kept my babies alive. I had to just spend a fortune on different types of bottles to figure out which one would be ok. I felt like i was being doubly punished for not being able to do it.

I wish id put a complaint in, but i think too much time has passed. I tell you this because i blamed myself so much. But we are our own worst enemies sometimes. There's nothing more you could have done. Good luck with your treatment

It makes me so sad that so many great women on this thread have wasted so much time on fuckwit men.

Marrying my husband.

Trusting my husband.
Nothing else comes close.