To ask what your biggest regret in life is?

[SylviaPlath1984]

Or even what you feel you might regret in the future if you don't do it soon?

I regret not taking school more seriously or trying harder, not making more of myself.

What about you?

Changing from living with my partner to a long-distance relationship, when one of us got an unmissable job opportunity abroad.

It was only meant to be temporary, but the job became long-term and it turned into the slowest and most painful way of breaking up. Not what either he or I wanted.

The stupid thing is, we really loved each other and had been living together very happily for several years. We had started to realise we had different hopes and goals for the future, but that wasn't insurmountable. We should have talked this through -- we were both open to compromising and adapting to each other. But we kept pushing that to the back of our minds because we didn't want to argue.

I realise now we had both grown up terrified of our parents' verbally violent disputes, so we would do anything to avoid confrontation with someone we were close to.

We kept writing and phoning and seeing each other at every chance (a few times a year). This went on for years, keeping both of us unhappy, stuck, unable to move on or start another relationship. Finally we officially split up, but we still longed for each other. We tried getting together again, but the differences we'd swept under the carpet before had become impossible to ignore. So we gave up.

My advice to anyone now would be Don't try to keep up a long-distance relationship. If you live together but don't really want to, just be honest and split up -- set yourselves free. If you love each other but something is pulling you in opposite directions, please be brave enough to talk it through, even argue about it if necessary. That's better than letting a good relationship die a slow and painful death because you can't bring yourselves to disagree with each other.

I regret not going to university. I thought I could do it anytime. I am just old enough that I could have studied for free if I'd been quick enough. I literally lived in a university town anyway

It’s interesting how frequently low self-esteem features on the thread.

I can trace every single one of my regrets back to low self-esteem and self-worth.

I'm sorry you had that happen. The same thing could have happened to my daughter, and probably would have had she been my first. DD2 was breech and a c-section and my milk hadn't come in by day 5 and I could tell her nappies were drier, so I sent my partner out for some formula much to the chagrin of the community midwife despite losing 8% of her birth weight. She guzzled it, poor baby was starving. I was 36 by that point and I have a big gap between my 2, had it have been my first child at 22 I would've listened to what the 'experts' said and wouldn't have questioned it. My milk came in on day 12, 3 days after her due date.
DD2 is 3.5 now and very tall for her age, she is Autistic, which is a challenge in itself, but I often wonder if those early days contributed.

Breast is best is forced upon us, and in most cases it is, but with the best will in the world it isn't always possible. You are not to blame, and I know that sounds trite, the medical professionals who failed to listen are. Hugs.

Having been in a perfectly happy relationship for five years and being 'talked into' having a baby. First black eye when pregnant. Escalated quickly after that. I had never heard of coercive control. I had to go back to work asap as "Don't think you're staying home all day looking after THAT..." Well educated, high earner he was as well. Daughter is now 36, beautiful and healthy. He remains the only man who ever made her cry. Never mind, he's dead now. Bastard.

Being fat and not taking responsibility for it.

I often think of my first boyfriend, he was working class with a motorcycle. I went to an expensive school and ploughed my A levels.
Trying to catch up I went to the local college that was how we met. He was on a day-release course.
My parents forbade me seeing him. They even threatened to make me a 'Ward of Court'. Age of majority was 21 then. the last year before it changed I think.
We did talk about running away to Scotland in my car and getting married there.

I wonder what would have happened had we done so. He worked hard in his jobs up to a good career. I finally went into the family business after being widowed quite young.

@Bippityboo2

I'm sorry you had that happen. The same thing could have happened to my daughter, and probably would have had she been my first. DD2 was breech and a c-section and my milk hadn't come in by day 5 and I could tell her nappies were drier, so I sent my partner out for some formula much to the chagrin of the community midwife despite losing 8% of her birth weight. She guzzled it, poor baby was starving. I was 36 by that point and I have a big gap between my 2, had it have been my first child at 22 I would've listened to what the 'experts' said and wouldn't have questioned it. My milk came in on day 12, 3 days after her due date. DD2 is 3.5 now and very tall for her age, she is Autistic, which is a challenge in itself, but I often wonder if those early days contributed.

Breast is best is forced upon us, and in most cases it is, but with the best will in the world it isn't always possible. You are not to blame, and I know that sounds trite, the medical professionals who failed to listen are. Hugs.

"I often wonder if those early days contributed."

Autism is neurological. Something people are born with. So no, those early days didn't contribute to your kid's autism.

Not moving out of my parents’ house when I became a mother in my mid-teens.

They led me to believe that I would never cope or manage parenthood without them. In reality, they made me completely dependent no them and controlled myself and the relationship I had with my child. I wasted a lot of years thinking I was a bad mother, when in fact, I’m a bloody good (albeit flawed, aren’t we all?) one.

I am now trying to make up for the lost years and the poor choices I made in order to escape them. I hope my child forgives me.

I regret letting myself go. I feel so self conscious of my weight, that it's all consuming. I regret always putting myself down and putting myself last.

Not telling my dad sooner that my step dad was physically and emotionally abusive towards me from when he met my mum.
That I didn't move out until I was nearly 18 to escape the beatings and the bully and that I should have told my mum what I thought of her watching and letting the abuse happen.

Not trying harder at school.
Not taking up the uni place although if I had done that my life could be so much more different and I don't regret my kids. They are my world and the best thing to have happened to me.

Smoking at 12 til 19.
Getting drunk alot at 13+ with people I barely knew and putting myself in a lot of danger. Like I just didn't care about myself and was self destructive. Not caring about school either.

Getting so drunk in Greece when I was 17 that a local took advantage of me and took my virginity. I was very naive when it came to sex. I didn't wear make-up or fancy clothes. I looked like I was about 12 to be honest. I know that it was rape. I didn't consent. I only have 2 snapshots of that night. One underneath him on the beach and one when I arrived back to my room. I am so very embarrassed about that.

Sleeping with an older guy at 18. I thought they were so gorgeous and that I was undeserving. I let him do what he wanted even though I wasn't comfortable with it. After he slept with me I never saw him again.

Seeing dp whilst he still had a girlfriend.
Sometimes I regret being with dp for over 20 years. There is no passion anymore. I am not even sure if he loves me. I am not sure if I love him. I am with him for the kids. We don't argue. But it is not the best way to raise kids. I wanted to show my kids a healthy relationship but I don't think ours is.

I regret being too timid with sex and now I don't have sex. Except with myself!

Being so afraid of failure. Not applying for that job in case I didn't get it or made a prat of myself in the interview. Not learning to use a sewing machine in case I failed and couldn't do it. Dropping a course at the adult education in case I was crap.
I regret not speaking to my grandmothers alot before they died. One had Alzheimers and it seemed to come on rapidly. One phone conversation sounded funny and after that she couldn't follow conversations full stop. I wish I had visited her more.

I give people too many chances and they just walk over me. I can't say no. Even if I really don't want to and it means I have to seriously change my plans I say yes. What is that about? I hate that other peoples opinions matter to me.

Trusting my sibling who went on to steal my inheritance.

I once went home with the best looking, lovely, funny young man - I was so attracted to him. We were both about 19/ 20. I didn't have sex with him because I thought it would make me 'a slag'.

Regret that!! He was hot!

Wasting time on a degree I've never used, as well as not keeping in touch with any friends from that time.

Picking a career to which I'm completely ill suited and 15 years later cannot bear it anymore but have no idea what else to do.

I don't regret any decisions- but I regret not enjoying my body and feeling comfortable with myself until my 40s...... oh if I could have the self acceptance and confidence I have now in my twenties..... now that would have made for a good life!

I so passionately would love to help my daughter make that journey quicker than me, but have no idea if it is possible! I hope so.

I regret not having the relationship with my Dad which I really think I could have done, if only we’d had more time.

wasting 2 years of my life on my MBA degree and got nothing out of it .
Not having the courage to have more children

Spent too long trying to please others, these days I literally am just doing me!

@Foom

ThumbWitchesAbroad yeah could be. Just read that article and cried like a waterfall.

Ahh, sorry about that! Hope it helps long term though

@Intothevoid3

Giving up 20 years to follow DH around with his career and bring up my children.

I am now trying to get a career off the ground in middle age.
The DC’s have left home and feel I came up short as a parent.
DH hates being the sole bread winner.

I tried very hard to please everyone other than myself. I pleased no one and have nothing to show for my life.

Oh this one annoyed me - not YOU, @Intothevoid3, but your husband!!

So he dragged you around the place for 20years so that you couldn't easily establish your own career because you were following his and now he's complaining that he's fed up being the sole breadwinner??

Tough titty, that husband - maybe should have thought about that a bit harder while you were quite happily ensuring that your wife had no choice but to go where YOU wanted!

Intothevoid3 - I am sorry that you have been made to feel that you have pleased no one, and really quite disgusted with your husband for putting that on you. Please throw off his discontent - it's of his OWN making, not yours.

I hope you DO get your own career now, and consider whether or not you want to hang on to the selfish husband when you do!

I'm also sure that your children will have a different view of your strengths as their mother than you do. But yes, now is the time for you to start considering your OWN wants and needs first. Best of luck!

Same as OP. I wish I understood the importance of school. I was left to it and not encouraged by my parents. I had little confidence as my mum was like Jekyll and Hyde. Loving one minute but then say things like I'd have no friends, no one would like me and I'd give myself a bad name and also I was really not bright. Dad worked away so I spent most my time avoiding my mum. This became my priority not school. ....Getting through the day avoiding insults. I am trying to be the opposite for my own kids.

@ElMacchiato

Agree with crisps , Midnight Library by Matt Haig , everyone should read it, it really makes you think.

Yes definitely- brilliant book!

Staying with my first husband possibly 5 years after I stopped loving him. It was only when I found out he cheated that I divorced him. I should have done it sooner.

I also regret not spending more time with my Mum when I was younger and she was well. Now she is dead and I can never see her again.

Getting into a lot of debt at a young age

I regret not going to see my mother when she was terminally ill with cancer because I was ‘low contact’ & ‘grey rock’ because I would get hurt by what she said or didn’t say repeatedly.

We were in different countries and I am pretty much disabled with Interstitial Cystitis & also have CPTSD & Autism & ADD, sensory perception disorder and travel has become impossible since I got ill at 29, 9 years ago, and the NHS is not helping me at all.

I was raised by my grandparents in Transylvania because my parents were too busy trying to survive in a communist dictatorship. After the revolution, she had to put me in foster care because my dad was a cheater & alcoholic & domestic abuser. I got sexually abused in foster care and for a long time I blamed my mom, but now I know it wasn’t her fault.

Then she moved us to Africa from Europe ( with her young sugar baby/ ex employee ) & had a breakdown & got diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. So our relationship was confusing and we didn’t spend enough time together to build a good relationship, which I regret. She was such a strong woman and she taught me how to make snow-woman instead of snow-man and other things.

I regret not being strong enough to go and visit her. I can barely go to work and back home, into bed. I get paid minimum wage and can barely afford rent and electricity and medication which I have to buy on the black market, because the NHS are derelict in their duty of care.

Now my cousin, who is her executor of the will, is telling me how bad I am for not going there and also how bad my mother was and how she did bad things, right after she just died a few days before.

My mother died this month, COVID killed her after she fought the cancer for so long. The only family I have left, cousin and aunt, are hurting me instead of supporting me. My cousin, in particular has hurt me since I was 15, and just arrived in South Africa, she hired me as her au-pair, made me clean the shower stall with a toothbrush which she now says never happened, then she let her fuck buddy in his late 30s take me out, knowing what scumbag he was, he got me drunk and groomed me, then he pretended to use a condom and didn’t. My cousin remembers this incident as me ‘stepping on her toes’

OMG I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to write so much! I’m alone at work now, on the night shift and feeling very isolated.