Husband being useless or me too harsh?

[anothershitweekend]

Quick background -

2 children, ages 2.5 years and 1 year. I am a SAHM and have been since the eldest was born. Eldest now attends nursery for two half days a week and baby is at home.
H works for himself so pretty much as many hours as he can get away with. He works out of the house and also has an office upstairs. I ask him to finish at 6pm during the week to help get the kids ready for bed time at 7pm. By that point I've usually fed them and got pjs on etc, it's just teeth brushing left to do and story in bed. They're usually in bed between 6:30 and 7pm.

At the weekend I expect there to be a willingness to help but there is none.
Today he has sat on the sofa leaving the youngest to cry and scream while I was busy trying to make them all food. He did the same while I was trying to go to the toilet and at various other points through the day. the youngest is very clingy to me and will often get upset when he's put down but if he's picked up again or interacted with then he's fine. He's just not so good at entertaining himself, he is only one after all.
He hardly interacts with our youngest, just seems to ignore him. He took him upstairs for a while, the idea being that he worked a bit in the office and DS played but he just sat and cried because he was again being ignored. Then H gets pissed off because the baby isn't behaving how he wants him to. So I just ended up taking him back downstairs and had him with me.

The eldest is going through the "I don't want to share stage" so there is a lot of screaming and tension sometimes.

Every weekend is the same. He will be present but not really present during the day, he will usually be on the laptop or his phone, too engaged to interact with the kids or me or to offer any sort of help when I'm struggling. If I ask for help then it's met with a sigh or eye roll, it's always a problem.
Then in the afternoon he will sneak off upstairs and disappear into the office for hours, even if he can hear that I'm having a hard time he won't come down unless asked and even then he will still sit on the sofa and not be proactive about trying to help.

I'm now at boiling point. Today he's been fucking useless. Done nothing to help and then snaps at me because he's apparently sick of the kids screaming "all the fucking time" in his words. I'm just so sick of it. I make everyone's meals, juggle the house work and children, try to be a good and present parent, I have no breaks, I do all the night time wake ups, he doesn't do any at all. He says that's because he works so he shouldn't have to do them.

Is he useless or am I too harsh?

Do we talk - yes, all the time. I am constantly trying to get him to communicate. He is the type of person that will shut down and say nothing so it's a constant battle.
Date night - yes. Every Thursday. Again something I instigated because I could feel things slipping.
I feel like I'm constantly responsible for dragging the relationship along and trying to make things better. He doesn't do anything in that respect

You do realise this won't change, don't you. It indicates a level of entitlement and disengagement that won't shift on its own. People who suggest just talking to him and explaining how you feel just don't get it.
He doesn't behave like this because he doesn't understand how you feel, he behaves like this because he doesn't care.

Sorry to be so harsh because it's very painful to acknowledge that. But just to let you know, it's nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. It's not because you haven't tried hard enough, been emotionally unavailable, not been talking about things other than the children or anything people might suggest to make it about something you can fix.

If someone is wrapped up in their own world, for whatever reason, unresolved trauma or just arrogance and selfishness, the only way that will change is if they want that. And the danger is if you force it they'll just slip back over time when they feel they've got you back. The longer you invest in this relationship the harder it is to leave it.

I do think a lot of his behaviours are trauma related. He had a horrific upbringing with his mum handing him over to social services because she couldn't cope with him and an abusive father.
I do think that his issues are related to this and perhaps there's an element of fear of intimacy or something like that, I'm not sure. Either way I don't think it will be fixed by me continually saying the same things. I've had these conversations over and over and I am beginning to wonder why I have bothered in the first place.

He is a good person beneath his flaws and of course I do love him. It's just not working as it is and if he won't change then I know it won't ever get better for any of us.

@anothershitweekend

Just tried to talk about it but it ended up with him shouting and telling me to fuck off. I told him I wanted him to leave - he said he wouldn't. I can't be arsed with it anymore. My mind is pretty much made. I have to protect the kids, I can't be a good parent to them if I'm always miserable

From his response you know where is at with everything, it could also tell you that he's seeing someone else, maybe it physically but certainly virtually. Very sorry for you and the kids, shame on the father for not being a man about it either (coming from another man)

Oh this I'd really shit OP. My DH works stupid hours (on call often), does DIY and cooks and laundry etc but his priority is engaging with and looking after our baby. I think there's a split in men who get how to engage with little kids and make the effort, and those who just don't.

Ignoring his own children’s screams is just neglectful. You’re not being harsh enough imo, I’d be getting rid.

@d577ta

My partner is the same although now quite as bad. Just doesn't feel I need a break on the weekend. Maybe I'm being gadlighted but I'm confused myself. I'm not working so I should be doing all the childcare right. Cos he needs a break from work at the weekend right ?

Well, if looking after children isn’t hard work, then he can do it at the weekend no problem right? He’s taking a break from work but he can look after the children while you do something different because it’s not difficult, it’s not something you need a break from? Does that make sense? The only possible reason that he could need a break and you don’t is that what you do every day really isn’t that hard. So he can easily do it himself while you get something else done - it’s really not hard! And if he can’t possibly look after the children because it’s too hard and not like having a break, then there is your proof that you need a break too.

I realise that you are relying on logic and decency, both of which might be in short supply, but he can’t have it both ways. He can’t claim that you don’t do anything much during the week and therefore don’t need a break, but at the same time claim the job you do all the time is too hard and he can’t possibly do it as he needs a break...

I want to give you both a hug. He’s hiding in work because he doesn’t know how to parent. You are doing all the emotional heavy lifting with date nights and parenting. You must be exhausted but commenting when he connects or does something positive with you or the dc would pay dividends, but I can see how you would also react that- another chore/ more mental load.

This reminds me of someone I knew. I went round one day, she was 6 months pg with a toddler. Her H was parked in front of tv completely ignoring their toddler. She was, I think literally, barefoot in the kitchen getting lunch. The H's only words were "shut the fuck up" (aimed at toddler) and "I don't know, women want kids and then they moan about having them" at my friend's request for help. This was 10 yr ago and I have never forgotten it. Unfortunately she's still with him.

It is not 1954 OP, it is not ok for him to be like this (not that it was ok in 1954 either). They are his kids too.

Even if you have to spend most of your earnings on childcare, surely better to keep your career going instead of being shut out of the workplace, and then you will be in a better place to be a single parent, going forward.

Why do people sit in their homes behind their keyboards saying things like " get rid".
How is this helpful?

@randomer what would you suggest to a person who is clearly trying to save a relationship with a disinterested partner?

He worked away for a few days this last week and it was so much nicer without him and his negative attitude

Here’s your solution to a happier nicer life. Get rid.

OP (no solutions just hugs and best of luck)

A while back a poster on another thread made a comment that really stuck with me,
'Some men seem to think that a baby is some sort of hobby that their wife has,' or words to that effect. These are his children, his and yours, not your hobby for you to sort out. You made them together, you are not a single parent, you need to take care of them together. His idea of looking after them seems to be keeping them quiet rather than engaging with them. You are a sahp which is a perfectly valid choice so you will be doing all the caring during the week days, but at the weekends the caring needs to be split. Take it in turns for a lie in, each have a 'day off' or a few hours to yourselves. I would put it to him directly, is he willing to learn to care for his dc, is he willing to share the workload? If not maybe splitting up is the best option.

More talks yesterday. He reckons that because he's so busy with work (which he is) and it's the end of the month and the end of the tax year, he's stressing out. So spending time with the kids, which he referred to as "wasting time downstairs", makes him mad and impatient because he knows he has work to finish.

Now I can understand that and when we have talked about this, just last weekend in fact. I said that I didn't mind him working at the weekends, as long as he communicates that he needs to go in the office for X amount of time, rather than just disappearing and then being unavailable, which frankly I find infuriating.

He then claimed that I would also have a problem with this (I don't think I have ever had an issue where there had been clear communication) and so he doesn't see the point in bothering.

I tried to talk to him more but his body language and the way he was acting was suggesting that he didn't really care. I said to him "do you want to talk to me?" To which he replied "no" and then went to bed.

So, I'm fairly certain that:
a) he's stressed
b) he's shut down and doesn't want to communicate
c) I can't see there being a way forward with his current attitude

He also made a comment that he doesn't work a normal job (true) and that it's just the way things are and essentially I just need to get on with it 🤷🏻‍♀️ He said that if he has to work at the weekend then that is what needs to happen.
I mean that's fine, he can do that with his toxic negativity in a different house, away from me and the children. That would be ok with me.

Feeling more and more like I cba with him or this.

Maybe you need to sit down and do the sums and see if you can be by yourself and manage financially. I don’t know how you’ve managed with so little support and such little children. At least if you spilt up you might get eow off!
You sound finished and it’s fine to call it a day for both your sakes.

I would have chimed in ‘so how would you work and look after the kids every other weekend?’

That seems very clear.
Shut up and get on with it.

Well now you know OP.

Please reach out to your family and friends for support.

he has told you how he feels.

Its up to you what you do with that information.

You can either plan on the basis that he is physically in the house but always working and thus not actually there at all.

Or whether you want him in the house at all and the dramatic life changes that would mean for you and the kids.

What you can't do is think that he is going to change and that things will be different

I think he's made himself perfectly clear. He isn't bothered and won't be bothered to become a full partner in family life. And he expects you to just accept this and 'get on with it'.

His 'excuses' are bullshit. Many parents can and do function as full partners in spite of 'stressful jobs' and 'busy times of the year'. Not to mention the number of single parents who manage to do it all with no or very little help and maintain their sanity.

He.doesn't.want.to. It's that simple. And your decision is whether or not you're doing to put up with it. Because he's never going to change so there is no point in trying to make him. Either you 'make your peace' with being the only parent in a two-parent household or you leave and become the only parent in a ONE-parent household.

When my BFF left her useless drag of a DH she said it was actually easier to parent knowing she was truly 'on her own' because she was no longer carrying the heavy emotional load of resentment against him for being there and not shouldering his share. Not to mention the fact that she no longer had to consider him in her decisions nor did she have to clean up after him, do his laundry, cook for him etc etc. She said her 'physical' domestic load was reduced by at least 60-70%.