Husband being useless or me too harsh?

[anothershitweekend]

Quick background -

2 children, ages 2.5 years and 1 year. I am a SAHM and have been since the eldest was born. Eldest now attends nursery for two half days a week and baby is at home.
H works for himself so pretty much as many hours as he can get away with. He works out of the house and also has an office upstairs. I ask him to finish at 6pm during the week to help get the kids ready for bed time at 7pm. By that point I've usually fed them and got pjs on etc, it's just teeth brushing left to do and story in bed. They're usually in bed between 6:30 and 7pm.

At the weekend I expect there to be a willingness to help but there is none.
Today he has sat on the sofa leaving the youngest to cry and scream while I was busy trying to make them all food. He did the same while I was trying to go to the toilet and at various other points through the day. the youngest is very clingy to me and will often get upset when he's put down but if he's picked up again or interacted with then he's fine. He's just not so good at entertaining himself, he is only one after all.
He hardly interacts with our youngest, just seems to ignore him. He took him upstairs for a while, the idea being that he worked a bit in the office and DS played but he just sat and cried because he was again being ignored. Then H gets pissed off because the baby isn't behaving how he wants him to. So I just ended up taking him back downstairs and had him with me.

The eldest is going through the "I don't want to share stage" so there is a lot of screaming and tension sometimes.

Every weekend is the same. He will be present but not really present during the day, he will usually be on the laptop or his phone, too engaged to interact with the kids or me or to offer any sort of help when I'm struggling. If I ask for help then it's met with a sigh or eye roll, it's always a problem.
Then in the afternoon he will sneak off upstairs and disappear into the office for hours, even if he can hear that I'm having a hard time he won't come down unless asked and even then he will still sit on the sofa and not be proactive about trying to help.

I'm now at boiling point. Today he's been fucking useless. Done nothing to help and then snaps at me because he's apparently sick of the kids screaming "all the fucking time" in his words. I'm just so sick of it. I make everyone's meals, juggle the house work and children, try to be a good and present parent, I have no breaks, I do all the night time wake ups, he doesn't do any at all. He says that's because he works so he shouldn't have to do them.

Is he useless or am I too harsh?

I think those saying what's the point of him and he's useless maybe have missed the fact he works hard to financially provide.
Not saying he shouldn't be more present at weekends and share the family life but, but bottom line is he is contributing in his way, and the op says he does the DIY, and chores.
He sounds like he doesn't quire know what to do with little ones, and while just because he is male doesn't let him off the hook. Perhaps he would find it easier if you gave him. Clear directions... Like "the baby needs you to take him to park, push on swings, feed ducks for one hr, and then come back and sit on the floor and build blocks with him. Then he'll have a nap"
He may also be worried about the business and feeling overwhelming need to work at weekends but is stressing cus you are unhappy.
A conversation about how both of you are feeling may get to bottom of it.

Jesus I can’t believe some of these responses. Your DH is nothing but a piece of shit, I’m sorry.

It’s one thing to be a bit of a workaholic but it doesn’t even sound like he likes or enjoys being with his own children. He just ignores them if they are upset or want his attention? Does he not want to spend time with them at all? Why does he not care if they are not happy?

That’s before we even come onto the topic of why he thinks he can just put all the childcare upon you 24/7 even at the weekends when he’s not working. There’s no excuse for that. He treats you like crap.

Also I’m sorry but you need to stop having such a short term view about employment. It doesn’t matter if all your wages go on childcare. You will have a pension, a career, NI contributions, development opportunities. Even if you just work part time. As soon as you get funded childcare hours you will be better off anyway.

Such a small gap in age is usually difficult at the baby stage. I agree he should be more helpful.

You won't necessarily spend all your wages on childcare; you may well qualify for help with those costs, plus your DH will have to pay maintenance which will help towards that and all kids have access to 15hrs 'free' childcare per week from age 3. As per another pp said, go on the entitledto site and see. I'm all for working on relationships, but it sounds like his response to parenting is just completely shit and you might be better off cutting the negativity out of your life. I think you deserve that, especially after everything you have been through.

I would suggest you arrange a formal time to have a chat over the next few evenings when the kids are in bed. Write down everything you want to say in advance and go through it all calmly. Do your best not to turn it into what he sees as a pile on, just make your expectations clear. I imagine he's not happy either so perhaps he'll have something he wants to raise.

Then make some kind of agreement to how things are going to change i.e. help with night wakings fri and sat, playing with the kids as weekend doing bath time and sharing bed times.If they don't change make it clear that you are genuinely considering leaving him.

He may or may not respond positively but it's got to be worth a try

Weekends can be tough with small children even when not in lockdown. Perhaps you could agree specific times when you will all do something as a family.and specific times when you are each free to do your own thing. It's sounds prescriptive but maybe it will help of he knows he's responsible to play out with them in the morning for a bit then play with them say 1-3 and then he can have a bit of time on his phone before dinner. I know it's babying him and it's not ideal but I guess if he sticks to it your like will be easier and your boys will get to spend time with their dad.

Sounds like this marriage is over. He is more than useless, he is a dead weight your also cleaning up after and cooking for etc.

Your strong enough to go it alone girl and you will be much better off for It

I think you should have a big showdown with your Husband, about his behaviour, and about how it is affecting you. I don't know if this would work though, if you have a Husband, who disregards everything you say,or doesn't even listen to you properly.

You need to assess where his values about you and your children,and life in general lie,and if he will change his behaviour at all., and then go from there.

I think those saying what's the point of him and he's useless maybe have missed the fact he works hard to financially provide.
Not saying he shouldn't be more present at weekends and share the family life but, but bottom line is he is contributing in his way, and the op says he does the DIY, and chores.

Hmmm, I work, do the chores and diy..and look after my children, cook clean.. but I care about my
Children and they are my priority.

Yes he is a fucking useless selfish twat, and a lousy husband and father.

You need to get harsher. Stop preparing food for him for a start and anything else you do for the lazy bastard.

Then start making plans to leave and lose the dead weight. You already know things are so much better when he's not around.

It does not get any better . I was also a SAHM because it made sense financially. It meant he could work any way he wanted to. And because I did everything , it stayed that way. And the DCs then naturally always turned to me . So no demands on him.
Fast forward 30 years and he has cheated. And I have no career or ability to be financially independent. My DCs instead of appreciating my sacrifice, seem to think I should have been more proactive in being able to support myself!

It is not even the point of helping you. It is also about giving HIS children a loving , caring , engaged parent. It does not seem to realise or care about this.
Think on this too.

Deeply sorry for the loss of your eldest child. How sad that he doesn’t treasure the little ones he has.

In your shoes (a long time pre COVID) I got a mother’s-help teenager to help out in the weekday afternoons to give me some sanity back (in fact I usually used that time to Hoover and batch cook). Having two preschoolers is very tough - I had for under eight when we split. I used to bring all of them to weekend sports and activities while he sat in his pajamas on the laptop. I went back to work when the youngest was two. I now work full time. He has the children three days a fortnight now. The childcare costs are huge when they’re little but it’s temporary whereas your career and earning potential are until your 60s.

Have you a support network/siblings nearby? Do his friends and family model poor parenting too? My ex’s family setup was very traditional - daddy worked then played golf twice every weekend. It didn’t dawn on me that he expected to have the same hands off approach.

So sorry to hear about your son.

He sounds like a selfish miserable cock, unfortunately it sounds like he has been like this for a while / forever and is unlikely to change.

I could make loads of suggestions to you about things to do eg plan your weekend in advance with who's cooking, who's getting a lie in on what day, screen- free time etc but I'm sure you've tried them all already and they've not really worked. You may as well keep trying though to get at least SOME support.

What I would advise you definitely do is that from next weekend - and every weekend after in the next month or two - go for a long 2 hour walk with a friend without the children so you can get some me time which you definitely need. Don't ask, just tell him you're going and work out a suitable time.

Walk with a trusted friend and talk about your options and feelings and make a plan you can live with.

He sounds awful. I honestly wouldn’t waste your time staying with him.

Haven't read every message from all posters so apologies if these things have already been mentioned. Looking after them gets easier, in some ways, as they get older and go to pre-school and school - they're out for most of the day in free childcare leaving more time for you or for work. They're more independent and don't literally need their butts wiping anymore. So better days will come when you have more time and ability to make decisions over your life and future and how you want that to look.

I agree with setting up situations where he HAS to look after them and see if over time that changes his behaviour at all?

Counselling or couples work where you have someone to mediate your conversations seeing as he's not capable of having any that meet your needs without professional help. And if he doesn't want to go then threaten with seriously having to consider the relationship and future because you can't continue with it as it is.

Following on to say next weekend is a long weekend, so tomorrow put it to him that you will be expecting a 50/50 share of parenting and free time. This is a reasonable and normal way to share the care of little ones.

Go for a walk and leave him with the kids he’ll soon do it. It’s because you’re there and he knows you’ll you do whatever needs doing

Don't do anything rash right now. Its the worst time ever, a pandemic.
Get some support .

You poor woman, I am so sorry for your loss.

YANBU.

You need to create options whilst you decide what you want to do.

Get copies of all your finances and the business.

Start squirreling money away.

Look to going back to work and how that would work.

Get your contraception sorted.

I think you have the measure of him and if you can stomach him long term.

Either way. Get sorted.

It's funny you should mention contraception Billy - we had a talk a few weeks back, H wants to have a vasectomy as he's certain he doesn't want any more children (shock). I thought to myself then that I would potentially like another baby in the future but not with him and I knew if I was to have another with him then I would have to be prepared to be on my own.

My brain knows he's shit. I just can't see it changing. I've told him over and over, when will it end? It won't, will it?

As a soon to be dad I think this is very poor of him, your Husband should want to do things for his kids and if not why? Is he taking on too much work and becoming stressed out, if so he needs to communicate that with you rather than throwing his toys out. I wouldn't dream of being like this.

How about next Saturday you put on your coat and walk out the door and leave him to it. Preferably having forgotten to stock the fridge. And when you get home many hours later, tell him he'd better get used to it as you'll be going for 50/50 custody when you leave him.
Except I bet you won't.

I'm so sorry but not likely.
You have been through so much.

Selfish men rarely metaphorically change into devoted parents.

Children are hard relentless work when young.

Selfish men focus their energies on avoiding the children and the patience required to be with them.

They use work, hobbies, anything to avoid doing their share.

They certainly won't have any interest in doing the hard slog of night wakings.

Encourage him to get the snip.
Work on detaching from him emotionally.
You need to focus on yourself and what you want.
On taking back your power.
On seeing a solicitor to see what you can do.
On getting all your financials together.
Checking out benefits that you might be able to access.
Hours of childcare you might get.
Looking at returning to the workforce.
Alternative housing.
Is there much equity in the house?

Look at getting emotional support, perhaps some counselling for yourself.
Invest in your friendships as they will be invaluable to you.

You can do this before your children start school, whilst you have time.

Keep posting.

He won’t change. If/when you divorce, he will refuse 50/50 custody, although he will bluster about how of course he wants it but can’t because of course he’s working hard to ensure they have everything they need and the children are better off with you. Useless. I too would try to go out next weekend and be incommunicado but I realise that a) there’s nowhere to go and b) he’d be just as useless as you imagine.

Just tried to talk about it but it ended up with him shouting and telling me to fuck off. I told him I wanted him to leave - he said he wouldn't. I can't be arsed with it anymore. My mind is pretty much made. I have to protect the kids, I can't be a good parent to them if I'm always miserable

My husband was like this and I didn't realise how shitty it was because somehow he'd convinced me that I was the one being unreasonable. Now I've seen the light, I have a fuckton of resentment that I struggle to get over years later. Tbh I wish I'd left then. It's a total lack of respect and regard for you. And if you haven't got that with the person who's supposed to love you the most, what's the point...