Husband being useless or me too harsh?

[anothershitweekend]

Quick background -

2 children, ages 2.5 years and 1 year. I am a SAHM and have been since the eldest was born. Eldest now attends nursery for two half days a week and baby is at home.
H works for himself so pretty much as many hours as he can get away with. He works out of the house and also has an office upstairs. I ask him to finish at 6pm during the week to help get the kids ready for bed time at 7pm. By that point I've usually fed them and got pjs on etc, it's just teeth brushing left to do and story in bed. They're usually in bed between 6:30 and 7pm.

At the weekend I expect there to be a willingness to help but there is none.
Today he has sat on the sofa leaving the youngest to cry and scream while I was busy trying to make them all food. He did the same while I was trying to go to the toilet and at various other points through the day. the youngest is very clingy to me and will often get upset when he's put down but if he's picked up again or interacted with then he's fine. He's just not so good at entertaining himself, he is only one after all.
He hardly interacts with our youngest, just seems to ignore him. He took him upstairs for a while, the idea being that he worked a bit in the office and DS played but he just sat and cried because he was again being ignored. Then H gets pissed off because the baby isn't behaving how he wants him to. So I just ended up taking him back downstairs and had him with me.

The eldest is going through the "I don't want to share stage" so there is a lot of screaming and tension sometimes.

Every weekend is the same. He will be present but not really present during the day, he will usually be on the laptop or his phone, too engaged to interact with the kids or me or to offer any sort of help when I'm struggling. If I ask for help then it's met with a sigh or eye roll, it's always a problem.
Then in the afternoon he will sneak off upstairs and disappear into the office for hours, even if he can hear that I'm having a hard time he won't come down unless asked and even then he will still sit on the sofa and not be proactive about trying to help.

I'm now at boiling point. Today he's been fucking useless. Done nothing to help and then snaps at me because he's apparently sick of the kids screaming "all the fucking time" in his words. I'm just so sick of it. I make everyone's meals, juggle the house work and children, try to be a good and present parent, I have no breaks, I do all the night time wake ups, he doesn't do any at all. He says that's because he works so he shouldn't have to do them.

Is he useless or am I too harsh?

“My brain knows he's shit. I just can't see it changing. I've told him over and over, when will it end? It won't, will it?”

It ends when you say so. He will not change; why would he? This works for him.

So stop waiting for his permission to leave, or for him to change his ways. Because neither will happen.

No, it won't end, not until one of you makes big changes - and it isn't going to be him. Change takes commitment and perseverance, and your partner seems committed only to doing what suits him.

It seems to me that you have it pretty tough. You lost your precious baby at birth, that is a terrible and enormous loss, I'm so sorry, and I imagine it is very lonely for you if your partner does not appear to share the depth of loss.

Then you have two very young children, babies really, which in itself, with two adoring parents, is demanding. But to have next-to-no support from your partner or worse, he makes it more difficult with his negativity, must be very challenging indeed. It must take a huge toll on your well-being.

I think you need to value yourself more. Would you wish this life for one of your children?

How would you like your life to be? How can you achieve that?

I had a similar marriage in that my partner viewed caring for his children as a chore. He was very irritable with the children and it never felt like teamwork, more like I was managing despite him. I also have no family.

I think you know what you need to do to improve life for you and your children. I won't suggest that it's an easy step to take, but you will find a lot of strength you didn't know you had and you can feel assured that your children have a more positive childhood.

I would never be with a man who makes me feel like I have to say thank you for looking after his own children competently for a couple of hours.

I’m so sorry to hear this OP. He sounds like he hates/can’t deal with what family life with young kids is actually like. Personally I wouldn’t wait around to see if he gets better as they get older. Have you got family support around you if you go it alone?

First piece of advice: never issue an ultimatum you aren't 100% ready to carry through. So don't mention divorce unless and until you have one foot out the door. It's also 'iffy' to mention divorce if you aren't financially able to leave and thus have to 'back down'.

Second piece of advice: NO, your salary does NOT 'all go for child care!! In a 'both working' couple child care is a shared expense because BOTH parents need childcare during working hours. So any child care should be paid for by both of you.

Some men with 'parental laziness' habits wake up when they're challenged by their spouse and really think "Oh shit, I haven't been carrying my share of the load!" and they make real changes and stick with them. Yours sounds pretty useless to me and only willing to do 'the extra' until you're back in your box. That kind doesn't really change.

I'd look around and see what my earnings potential is and whatever maintenance and benefits I might be entitled to. Once you have a financial picture you'll be in a much better place to make a decision about staying or leaving.

I think it is a bit of a vicious circle as he obviously knows you are furious with him...and that cannot be conducive to wanting to spend much time with you and baby...mother and baby at this age are very much a unit, so he should be getting on with you - both be on civil terms if the baby is going to trust him or show any interest in him.

I think on some unconscious level it isn't the kids he cannot relate to, it is you. What do you share, interests, humour, mutual friends, goals? Is there anything that isn't about helping around house, supporting you with kids? Is there anything else, leaving aside his unpleasant behaviour right now, that would connect you if you were with each other and kids were elsewhere, hypothetically?

I know another couple like this, who went through this stage, the wife had experienced a very traumatic experience with ill child and felt unsupported after trauma had ended (although the trauma never fully goes does it) husband didn't seem to acknowledge how he had let her down , in her eyes. I think if they had just discussed how she felt, a lot of the bickering and veiled resentment, what have I done wrong now stuff from man, wouldnt have festered as it did.
He has let you down he hasn't supported you as a mother now, when you have been through this incredible heartache previuosly. You haven't forgiven him because he hasn't acknowledged what you feel about looking after the kids, the importance to you of being with them.
Until you discuss this and share something rather than just making demands of each other (although to all onlookers these demands on your side might be justified) he is trapped in his own negative worldview and he is going to find his way out, the harsher you are the more steeper the sides are for him to climb out.

I think you need to set the boundary of him seeking more pyschological therapeutic help, either in a couple or singly with same therapist. Is it too much to ask, considering how final it will be to leave?
As another pp said this is an incredibly stressful time to be a) in a relationship with small kids b) to be in a pandemic c) to have suffered a bereavement so recently (four years is Nothing)

I wrote a post like this at the beginning of the week for my useless hubby...
plays the doting dad to everyone but does absolutely fuck all. I’m planning my escape because I’m actually doing it all on my own anyway! Good luck OP

My partner is the same although now quite as bad. Just doesn't feel I need a break on the weekend. Maybe I'm being gadlighted but I'm confused myself. I'm not working so I should be doing all the childcare right. Cos he needs a break from work at the weekend right ?

@d577ta

My partner is the same although now quite as bad. Just doesn't feel I need a break on the weekend. Maybe I'm being gadlighted but I'm confused myself. I'm not working so I should be doing all the childcare right. Cos he needs a break from work at the weekend right ?

Not right.

He should be doing 50% when he is at home in the evening and at the weekend.

If he isn't, he's a selfish, lazy, waster.
MN is full of them.

When is your break from your 24/7 job @d577ta ?

Definitely LTB. You’d be happier, so your kids would be happier. They might get more attention from their dad because he’d actually have to look at them if he’s in charge of them on his own. Then they’d come home to you and you’d have a lovely time together. You’d get some time to yourself, could even find an exciting new person to be with if that’s what you want, someone who doesn’t ignore you when you need help or tell you to fuck off.

would spend all my wages on childcar

Childcare comes from joint income
Who is paying into your pension?
Is dh putting money into your pension while you are saving him childcare costs?

He's useless. If he won't do the kids he could at least make the fucking sandwiches. Don't tell me he thinks he deserves time off from slapping some ham on some bread at the weekends too??

My brain knows he's shit. I just can't see it changing. I've told him over and over, when will it end? It won't, will it?

Unlikely, and even less likely if you keep just doing what you're doing. You need to go back to that divorce lawyer and make plans to serve him with a petition. Maybe that will be enough of a kick to get him to change properly but it's a long shot. If it seems to, and you want to give him another chance*, make him prove he's changed for at least a few months before you agree to live with him again and restart the divorce process the moment he reverts.

The posters saying that it's a hard time and it gets better as the kids get older are likely correct. It may be that it's just the drudge work of the early years that he hates too much to engage in and when the kids are older he will enjoy engaging with them and he won't duck out of it. I don't know if it makes a difference though. You're still left with the knowledge that you're married to a man who won't step up if he doesn't like it even when you've asked him to.

*That's also the issue with giving him another chance after you've started divorce proceedings - do you really want to be with someone who can only be bothered engaging with what you need from them when they are forced to? It doesn't bode well for the future does it? If you need care in old age or if you get a debilitating illness - what's he going to do then?

So sorry for your loss. Young kids are tiring but you cant do it all. Just so selfish leaving it to you to deal with. My sis has young twins but its all go in evenings hubbie has to pitch in

He's useless and horrible, unkind and uncaring. Both to your children, and to you. If there's anyway you can get rid, Do.

Don't accept this, I did for twenty year's. Won't change unless you stop it now.
The children are his as much as yours.
Nighttime he should want to spend time with his children. Sand on the weekend.
He doesnt get a free pass just because he is at work all week.

@Anon9990

I wrote a post like this at the beginning of the week for my useless hubby... plays the doting dad to everyone but does absolutely fuck all. I’m planning my escape because I’m actually doing it all on my own anyway! Good luck OP

Well done you. Life is too short for that crap and I regret living it for years and years.

OP I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been through very similar and while it’s absolutely shit right now, I found that my life was so much easier with him gone. People ask if I struggle with 2 kids on my own, and I can say categorically my life is much easier without the stress of H hanging around being useless, and I am now so much happier

Op you don’t need to leave right away. But do be proactive about getting yourself to the point where you could leave and be ok.

There’s some really good posts earlier about things to do, checking benefits, getting back into the workforce etc. make a list and start working through it.

Also insist on a 3 hour walk by yourself on both Saturday and Sunday. Perhaps you all go to the park together and then you go on from there while he looks after the kids.

Wishing you well

K, so read the post but just wondering do you talk to each other or is it a 'can you take x- ffs I'm working' kind of thing? So do you sit down together and talk normally 'I'm really wrecked, I need help, and at the weekend could you not work at X time?' Plus you need to talk everything out, I think it's so sad you say guess I picked the wrong guy. Can you talk, have date nights etc? With a 1 year old you're probably wrecked anyway, I don't think I got back to myself until the youngest was older and definitely not when there was more than 1 so young. Hopefully if you talk he can hear you need a break, and you do

Op I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry you had to cope with the terrible pain of losing your firstborn. And now this.

We have one child, who’s 19 months. He’s wonderful and will be our only one because of fertility issues and because I have struggled to adjust to the physical and emotional demands of being a parent.

My husband knows this. He, too, has found it hard and he probably worked too hard when my son was very tiny when I was really struggling most, with sleep deprivation and the immense responsibility of looking after another helpless person. I ended up with PND.

My husband has stepped up. We only have one toddler, like I say, but at the moment, my husband gets up with him six mornings out of 7 (and I do 6 bath and bedtimes out of 7). He parents actively and changes nappies and recognises and is alert to when I’m struggling. He asks regularly how I’m feeling.

I couldn’t stay with someone like your husband. Had my H been like yours, it would have led me to a full blown breakdown, no question.

Hes checked out of family life at weekends by the looks of it. When he locks himself away for hours what is he up to?

Oh OP I feel ya! Are we married to the same bloke? I frequently get told but 'I'm tired from work'. I think he forgets I also work...in fact 60+ hour weeks at the moment but apparently as I wfh I'm not so tired

@stayathomer

K, so read the post but just wondering do you talk to each other or is it a 'can you take x- ffs I'm working' kind of thing? So do you sit down together and talk normally 'I'm really wrecked, I need help, and at the weekend could you not work at X time?' Plus you need to talk everything out, I think it's so sad you say guess I picked the wrong guy. Can you talk, have date nights etc? With a 1 year old you're probably wrecked anyway, I don't think I got back to myself until the youngest was older and definitely not when there was more than 1 so young. Hopefully if you talk he can hear you need a break, and you do

Do we talk - yes, all the time. I am constantly trying to get him to communicate. He is the type of person that will shut down and say nothing so it's a constant battle. Date night - yes. Every Thursday. Again something I instigated because I could feel things slipping. I feel like I'm constantly responsible for dragging the relationship along and trying to make things better. He doesn't do anything in that respect.