Husband being useless or me too harsh?

[anothershitweekend]

Quick background -

2 children, ages 2.5 years and 1 year. I am a SAHM and have been since the eldest was born. Eldest now attends nursery for two half days a week and baby is at home.
H works for himself so pretty much as many hours as he can get away with. He works out of the house and also has an office upstairs. I ask him to finish at 6pm during the week to help get the kids ready for bed time at 7pm. By that point I've usually fed them and got pjs on etc, it's just teeth brushing left to do and story in bed. They're usually in bed between 6:30 and 7pm.

At the weekend I expect there to be a willingness to help but there is none.
Today he has sat on the sofa leaving the youngest to cry and scream while I was busy trying to make them all food. He did the same while I was trying to go to the toilet and at various other points through the day. the youngest is very clingy to me and will often get upset when he's put down but if he's picked up again or interacted with then he's fine. He's just not so good at entertaining himself, he is only one after all.
He hardly interacts with our youngest, just seems to ignore him. He took him upstairs for a while, the idea being that he worked a bit in the office and DS played but he just sat and cried because he was again being ignored. Then H gets pissed off because the baby isn't behaving how he wants him to. So I just ended up taking him back downstairs and had him with me.

The eldest is going through the "I don't want to share stage" so there is a lot of screaming and tension sometimes.

Every weekend is the same. He will be present but not really present during the day, he will usually be on the laptop or his phone, too engaged to interact with the kids or me or to offer any sort of help when I'm struggling. If I ask for help then it's met with a sigh or eye roll, it's always a problem.
Then in the afternoon he will sneak off upstairs and disappear into the office for hours, even if he can hear that I'm having a hard time he won't come down unless asked and even then he will still sit on the sofa and not be proactive about trying to help.

I'm now at boiling point. Today he's been fucking useless. Done nothing to help and then snaps at me because he's apparently sick of the kids screaming "all the fucking time" in his words. I'm just so sick of it. I make everyone's meals, juggle the house work and children, try to be a good and present parent, I have no breaks, I do all the night time wake ups, he doesn't do any at all. He says that's because he works so he shouldn't have to do them.

Is he useless or am I too harsh?

I would also add change your language

No you aren’t helping me you are parenting the children
No you aren’t helping me with housework you are pulling your weight

@anothershitweekend

I don't think he would put them first though. I think the situation would be exactly the same just without me being there to intervene.

He worked away for a few days this last week and it was so much nicer without him and his negative attitude around. It's just draining, the constant face pulling, sighing, bad moods. I'm over it

I think you answer the issue yourself. You feel better without him around. Fact is, when you feel better, you see solutions to the logistics, the money and the exhaustion. They might even be more tricky solutions than if you tried it together, but that doesn't matter. You feel better without him around. And if you feel better, believe me, your kids feel better too. The whole thing is easier.

Sorry, I've no practical advice as I don't know your stuff well enough, but I do know you need to make a leap, and can promise you struggling alone is better than struggling plus the obstruction of him.

Also, if you leave him the best scenario (although not guaranteed) is he gets to take them now and then at least. Not visit. Take them. Bingo-inbuilt you time.

You lose your pension, you lose any development. As PP say, the costs of the childcare should be shared in proportion.

Above all, for too many immature partners, you lose respect and any sense of your own autonomy as an adult and they feel entitled to rest and time-off although the caregiver-in-chief doesn't.

I know this might be hard to hear OP, but I think you’re doing yourself a disservice by not going back to work. Taking a long time out of employment might not be a good thing in the long run if you do decide to separate. Also, he cannot use the excuse that you’re at home so you should do it all if you’re also going to work. Having said that, I’ve seen cases where going back to evens out the balance between partners
and other times it makes it even more obvious how useless their partner really is, especially if they do not take any time off work for children who are sick and you’re left with the brunt of it because you’re work isn’t seen as essential compared to theirs.

Your husband sounds pretty useless to me. Fair enough during the week, he’s tired from work, although I do think that he should at least be there for bedtime. But as a compromise he should be pulling his weight during the weekend. It looks like he’s happy for you to be the skivvy. What do you really gain from having him around if he’s just an extra person to take care of?

Your dh sounds like my bil. He found it very difficult to cope with his dc when they were babies and toddlers, but was fine when they were older.

I think you need a big conversation about how you feel, and what you expect from the weekend. Some men aren’t mind readers, and don’t automatically understand what they need to do or expected to do.

If he works during the week, then I would expect you to do the meals, housework etc then.

Life is hard enough without having a D-CK for a so called husband & father, they don't get any better I stayed in a marriage for over 20 years, thinking it would get better.....it didn't, in the end I walked away but wasted my life , think about yourself & your little ones.

because your work

Autocorrect 🤦‍♀️

He's useless.

He is useless. And selfish. And, I dread to say, not a very good father. Let alone husband.

I’ve written something and deleted it 3 times now because I feel really torn.
The DC are so young and it is hard for both of you. He probably feels the financial burden and you feel like you’re left to do all the drudge work 24/7.
He does need to do more at weekends and find a way to interact with them, even if that means watching a sing along show together or read a book to them or find an activity outside/online. Something where he switches off work, focuses on them and gives you a break.
Hopefully that’ll be easier once lockdown eases.

You need to decide how much longer you can put up with it and whether you want to invest more time into encouraging him to step up. The fact you say you are more relaxed etc when he isn’t around is quite telling.

Seems like another example of a man thinking he wants children but not liking the reality of it. He clearly thinks it's your job to raise the children.

When he is working, fair enough, he focuses on work and the kids are yours to deal with. If he was in an office you couldn’t just put upon him and expect him to mind them.

However, he should be sharing night wakings so it’s not all left to you, and when he isn’t working he should parent the children.

Perhaps this could be solved by more set and clear working times that he can pick. So if he chooses Mon - Fri 9-5, then in those hours you leave him to work and look after the kids. Outside of those hours, you share it.

It is very difficult and a massive adjustment when you are parenting small children. Especially as a SAHP. The working parent can feel that they have the hardest job shouldering the financial load and worrying whether their provision is going to be good enough and whether the mortgage is going to be paid and the family home preserved.

The SAHP, even when they have agreed in principal to this scenario gets a massive shock when the social element of work has gone and they are left alone all day with demanding infants. They discover a life style which leaves them 'on demand' 24 hours a day.

The working parent used to his/her day finishing at home time, thinks the SAHP is being unreasonable when he/she is greeted at the door by a stressed out partner and a screaming baby, but the SAHP has had this all day and naturally feels that it's the other parent's turn now.

I think that it is entirely unreasonable for anyone to feel that they have to be the present parent 24 seven but sometimes the only way to 'show' this to the working parent is to leave them to it. I think you should try to agree equal 'me' times at the weekend. Hard in lockdown because there isn't much to do outside of the home. In preparation for the end of lockdown I would be going out on your own for a walk/ meet up outside with friends now op. I am ancient but way back in the day my dh understood where I was coming from more when I just put my coat on and, smilingly left him to it for a few hours. Sometimes with men action speaks louder than words and something of what the SAHP experiences sudddenly occurred when I left him to it.

I'm very sorry about the loss of your eldest.

Is your dh aware that he's a dreadful father? And a terrible husband? Have you put it to him in those terms? Perhaps it needs to be spelled out to him that he would rather see you struggle and leave his dc's needs unmet than put himself out. Ask him what sort of a relationship he wants with his children and ask him how he thinks that relationship comes about.

Sadly I agree with the PP who said he is doing this because he can. I think IIWY I would be telling him you are going back to work because on his current behaviour you don't feel he can be relied upon and you want to get yourself into a position to be independent of him. No more entreaties to change his behaviour. Start looking for a job.

@emilyfrost

When he is working, fair enough, he focuses on work and the kids are yours to deal with. If he was in an office you couldn’t just put upon him and expect him to mind them.

However, he should be sharing night wakings so it’s not all left to you, and when he isn’t working he should parent the children.

Perhaps this could be solved by more set and clear working times that he can pick. So if he chooses Mon - Fri 9-5, then in those hours you leave him to work and look after the kids. Outside of those hours, you share it.

Absolutely and I agree - I never bother him with anything during his working hours, he is left to work. I do all the housework and childcare Monday to Friday. It's the weekends I have issues with because he will do very little and also expect to just check out and disappear when he's had enough. He then thinks the work rules apply, ie "I'm working so I'm unavailable" which at the weekend is not the case in my book. He knows this but continues to do it.

What I find sad about these threads is that the man doesn't want to look after his children and will happily watch his wife frazzled/struggle.

It screams that they have no respect or care for their wives or children.

And that’s sad.

There’s another thread in here with children six or seven years older than yours who don’t like their father and have no relationship with him. That’s where this is heading. He needs to step up not as a favour to you but for his children and their future relationship. Not just as children but in their adult lives too. He can’t just switch on a relationship when they turn six or seven or ten or whatever he consider a acceptable.

If your husband wanted children do you think he’d respond to this line of reasoning? It’s not about “helping” you it’s about laying the foundations of his relationship with his children. They need to be able to trust him as a caregiver from this age to build a lifelong relationship of trust and love.

Have a schedule of times or activities when he’s in charge and as long as he’s not actually neglecting them stick to it. If he really can’t manage both at once then at least 1:1 with each to start with.

If he can’t / won’t try then seriously it is ltb time.

I wouldn't be solely responsible but my wages would go on childcare, so I viewed it as I would be paying someone to look after my children for me to work and have no wage at the end of it.

but there is so much more to working outside the home. Not least that if you ever do leave this lazy lump you will already be working.

In your shoes? I'd just leave him with the pair of them for a few hours and take it from there.

Ahh I see I wasn’t clear if he was working at the weekend or not.

He doesn’t get to check out when he’s not working, and he does still have to do night wakings too so YANBU.

I can't tell about this one. maybe OP needs another support network? it must be hard on her, and him during these times of isolation. x

Yanbu. He is totally useless. I am so sorry you are having to do everything yourself. It is not right and it is not at all fair.
Most partners share equal childcare/house work during the hours they are not at work.
It is such hard work having two children those ages, and trying to get anything done. I can't imagine not having any support from your husband on top of this.
Try and make it clear to him that thing HAVE to change.

He is totally useless.

@Comeondelicious

I can't tell about this one. maybe OP needs another support network? it must be hard on her, and him during these times of isolation. x

It would be lovely to have another support system, however I don't. I have no family. I do have friends but of course lockdown and corona has made everything ten times more difficult.

Useless and selfish. I feel for you.

I had a 14 month gap between my youngest 2 and a husband who had been brought up within a very senior culture believing childcare and housework was something only women were equipped for.
His mother had never seen a man change a nappy or bath and dress his own child!
I remember those young years as being unbelievably exhausting. 5am wake ups everyday of the week for years. Constant coughs and colds and nonstop demands on my time and energy. My husband and I set up our own business when they were babies and I knew he had to give the business most of his time and energy.
He still helped with bedtimes though and nappies etc. We weren't hard up and I took advantage of that by buying some more nursery time. It allowed me a break from the relentlessness of toddlers and gave me time to food shop in peace and catch up on housework. Could this be an option for you? Hoping he is going to find his little kids endearing and he is going to stop being selfish is not going to happen. Unfortunately many men find the baby and toddler stage utterly boring and too much like hardworking. They seem to forget that we don't always find it fascinating and easy either. Can you outsource some of tge chores too? Getting some help with the cleaning and laundry can make such a difference to your happiness levels. Coping with everything on your own is bloody hard.
I would suggest you don't give up on your marriage just yet unless you really can't stand him anymore. You are both in the thick of having very young kids atm bur it won't last forever. Mine are 16 and 17 now and I don't know where the time has gone. Hang in there!