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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Newborn baby and MIL want's to visit

112 replies

Jesssr · 26/03/2021 20:14

Sorry not 100% sure this is the right thread but advice greatly appreciated

My DH and I have 2 children our DD is 2 and our DD is 3 weeks old.
Before our DS was born DH and I discussed visiting, holding the new baby etc and our concerns around COVID. Now neither of us are the biggest COVID believer's, but given all the new strains etc we didn't want to risk our newborn getting unwell, or indeed ourselves as it would make looking after our children very difficult and not what you want in the first few weeks of a new baby. We agreed no visitors for a few weeks and no holding the baby until they had at least had their first set of jabs at 8 week's.
My PILs were round in our house twice before DS was even 2 weeks old. I wasn't happy and it sent my anxiety through the roof. MIL also works in a large supermarket and I consider her to be very high risk.

A few days before DS was born we found our dream house, purely by accident. We were planning on moving, and moving to another country in the very near future but thought we had a year or so left. It's now likely our house will be sold by June, and very possibly before the 'end of lockdown restrictions'.

I think it's important to say that MIL and I are not each others biggest fans, in fact it wouldn't bother me if I never saw or heard from her again. But I still appreciate that it's a bit of a shock and with the crap COVID restrictions over the last year and until June she won't have much of an opportunity to spend time with her only 2 grandchildren.

However because of our rather sudden upcoming departure she and DH have just decided lockdown rules don't matter and she should be able to come round as she pleases. And you know what, if I didn't have a newborn I probably wouldn't even care that much.

But they both can't see my issue with her hugging and kissing our DD. I keep saying it's the risk of transmission, especially as she is always kissing and cuddling DS.

it has been announced that she's coming round tomorrow. And I said fine but she's not coming in the house and she must keep her distance.
It's resulted in a huge argument and I will be made to look like the "bad person' tomorrow when I enforce these rules.

So AIBU? I do appreciate that current lockdown rules mean she shouldn't even be coming round (and I would prefer she didn't and suggested we wait until next weekend) but I think that's a lost battle.
But any advice is welcomed

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/03/2021 20:18

Had my second daughter in November- first few wks my sister and family who visited wore masks if directly holding the baby. Not hugely worried, my eldest is at nursery so we weren’t exactly closed off from infection risk.

AnaofBroceliande · 26/03/2021 20:20

Sounds like you don't want your husband's mother to see her new grandchild at all before you move countries.

cuppycakey · 26/03/2021 20:25

YANBU

You have a DH problem.

Lollypop701 · 26/03/2021 20:25

Someone loves your kids unconditionally. They want to spend time with them, cuddle n kiss them. It’s difficult, tbh I’m torn. I get you don’t like her, but she is the mother of your husband. She doesn’t get carte blanche but she should get quite a lot of tolerance and acceptance. Personally I’d be ok, but I get your response .

DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/03/2021 20:25

Yes, you are being pretty unreasonable. She’s one person. As you have a baby you’re entitled to form a support bubble with her so her visits would then be within the rules. Would that make it ok? Or are you actually looking for an excuse to exclude her?

pictish · 26/03/2021 20:27

What does your dh think? Would he like his mum to visit before you move to another country?

Soontobe60 · 26/03/2021 20:29

Personally if I were your MIL I’d be absolutely devastated that you were moving abroad with your children. I adore my grandchildren, I’ve got one tucked up in my spare bedroom right now. The thought of not seeing them at least once a week actually makes me cry.
FFS, let your children see their grandparents.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 26/03/2021 20:31

I dont think it matters what anyone else thinks. The facts are that she works in contact with the general public so yes she is higher risk than average. And you have a very young baby and I'm not sure of the data around how much of a risk covid is to them. The fact is that you're not comfortable with this and a. A lot of other people wouldnt be either and b. It's against the law. So if you get people on here saying you're harsh, it's kind of irrelevant.

I think the important thing is that you and your husband have very different views - why are you not compromising? Eg his mum can visit but only outdoors or only if she washes her hands or wears a mask. Where is his compromise here to keep you happy? Surely if you agree something like that it is meeting in the middle as his mum can still see the baby but you can minimise the risks?

Original poster

Jesssr · 26/03/2021 20:34

Thank you @OnlyFoolsnMothers
Yes when we're ready for people to hold the baby we will be asking for mask's to be worn

@AnaofBroceliande no not at all, we may not like each other but she's still their grandmother. And she has already seen him twice. It is of course on both mine and DHs mind's that there will be limited opportunity before we leave but it's not like they can't visit! Not like we'll never see them again, they will very likely help up move over so my honest feeling is that it's a bit dramatic to be demanding visit's.

I suppose what I'm asking is it unreasonable to expect her to keep to social distancing until DS has had his jabs at 8 week's... Especially as we're supposed to be social distancing until at least the 21st of June? And if it is the best way to tactfully go about this so feelings don't get hurt and arguments don't blow up.

OP posts:

lockdownalli · 26/03/2021 20:34

YANBU - I wouldn't let her anywhere near my newborn.

Easterbunnygettingready · 26/03/2021 20:37

Is your baby getting the covid vaccine? Then 8 week jabs excuse doesn't wash does it?
Hand her some hand sanitiser and sit in the garden...

Notanotherhun · 26/03/2021 20:37

Dear god, have a drink and a lie down. I once had a newborn and yes, I get the whole pandemic thing but what do you genuinely think is going to happen?

soontobeamama · 26/03/2021 20:37

I don't understand why on the one hand you have said you and your husband don't believe in covid (!) and on the other, you are wanting to follow restrictions - it seems that this is to suit your own personal issues with your mother in law.

I think you need to speak to your husband and agree with the approach to visits etc. If you are moving in June, you might be appreciative of your mother in law taking the children for a morning or an afternoon etc on occasion between now and then while you get organised with packing etc - as much as you don't want a relationship with her, she is still the children's grandmother and understandably wants to spend time with them and you could benefit from this if you don't burn your bridges with her.

ChocOrange1 · 26/03/2021 20:38

I suppose what I'm asking is it unreasonable to expect her to keep to social distancing until DS has had his jabs at 8 week's
Well he won't be getting a covid jab, so I don't really see what difference that would make. Did you expect your MIL to stay at a distance until your older daughter had had her 8 week jabs? If not, your logic is flawed.

If you want her to stick to social distancing i guess you're within your rights to do so. Has she been vaccinated, if so risk of ransmission is greatly reduced. Maybe you could suggest she can come over once she has had both jabs?

pictish · 26/03/2021 20:38

What does your dh think?

Chicchicchicchiclana · 26/03/2021 20:38

"I think it's important to say that MIL and I are not each others biggest fans, in fact it wouldn't bother me if I never saw or heard from her again."

Why am I not surprised to read this?

GintyMcGinty · 26/03/2021 20:39

I suppose what I'm asking is it unreasonable to expect her to keep to social distancing until DS has had his jabs at 8 week's

None of his jabs will be for COVID though. Unless you think MIL is going to pass on whooping cough, diptheria or tetanus etc?

So yes on this basis its unreasonable.

If it was me I would would let the grandparents see their grandchild - and hold him.

DancingQueen85 · 26/03/2021 20:39

I'm intrigued by your statement " neither of us are the biggest COVID believer". It seems to imply that you think there is a possibility that COVID doesn't exist...

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/03/2021 20:40

YANBU, it’s still no guests indoors and SD still applies. I’d be reminding them both of the law.

Freddiefox · 26/03/2021 20:40

DHs mind's that there will be limited opportunity before we leave but it's not like they can't visit

I’m not sure that’s true with travel restrictions and covid.

Original poster

Jesssr · 26/03/2021 20:41

Oh and just to add our newborn has been quite poorly since he's been born which hasn't been very easy and it's the fear of him or me becoming unwell/more unwell that makes me uneasy about having that kind of intimate contact with DD.

@Soontobe60
I totally understand the feeling of devestation my PILs may have because we will no longer be down the road but unfortunately we can't out our lives on hold for them. Life goes on and we're moving to better ours something my FIL understands and is fully on board with. We will all just have to adapt to visits.

OP posts:

pictish · 26/03/2021 20:43

Again...what does your dh think?

Freddiefox · 26/03/2021 20:43

How would you handle this with your own mum?

RizzleRazzle · 26/03/2021 20:44

If you're not a "COVID believer" then what's the problem?

Original poster

Jesssr · 26/03/2021 20:44

@DancingQueen85 oh no, we had it last year, we very definitely believe it exists, more just that it has been sensationalised in the news.

OP posts:

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