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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Newborn baby and MIL want's to visit

112 replies

Jesssr · 26/03/2021 20:14

Sorry not 100% sure this is the right thread but advice greatly appreciated

My DH and I have 2 children our DD is 2 and our DD is 3 weeks old.
Before our DS was born DH and I discussed visiting, holding the new baby etc and our concerns around COVID. Now neither of us are the biggest COVID believer's, but given all the new strains etc we didn't want to risk our newborn getting unwell, or indeed ourselves as it would make looking after our children very difficult and not what you want in the first few weeks of a new baby. We agreed no visitors for a few weeks and no holding the baby until they had at least had their first set of jabs at 8 week's.
My PILs were round in our house twice before DS was even 2 weeks old. I wasn't happy and it sent my anxiety through the roof. MIL also works in a large supermarket and I consider her to be very high risk.

A few days before DS was born we found our dream house, purely by accident. We were planning on moving, and moving to another country in the very near future but thought we had a year or so left. It's now likely our house will be sold by June, and very possibly before the 'end of lockdown restrictions'.

I think it's important to say that MIL and I are not each others biggest fans, in fact it wouldn't bother me if I never saw or heard from her again. But I still appreciate that it's a bit of a shock and with the crap COVID restrictions over the last year and until June she won't have much of an opportunity to spend time with her only 2 grandchildren.

However because of our rather sudden upcoming departure she and DH have just decided lockdown rules don't matter and she should be able to come round as she pleases. And you know what, if I didn't have a newborn I probably wouldn't even care that much.

But they both can't see my issue with her hugging and kissing our DD. I keep saying it's the risk of transmission, especially as she is always kissing and cuddling DS.

it has been announced that she's coming round tomorrow. And I said fine but she's not coming in the house and she must keep her distance.
It's resulted in a huge argument and I will be made to look like the "bad person' tomorrow when I enforce these rules.

So AIBU? I do appreciate that current lockdown rules mean she shouldn't even be coming round (and I would prefer she didn't and suggested we wait until next weekend) but I think that's a lost battle.
But any advice is welcomed

OP posts:

MintLampShade · 26/03/2021 22:52

@Jesssr

Also DH is still very much in agreement that DS is not to be held until he's had his 8 week jabs

But they both can't see my issue with her hugging and kissing our DD. I keep saying it's the risk of transmission, especially as she is always kissing and cuddling DS.

If your DH is in agreement, then who is allowing your MIL to hold the baby?! I can't keep up 😅

MintLampShade · 26/03/2021 22:55

Ohhhhhh! The DD is cuddling DS not MIL. Riiiight, I get it, I get it...

Lalala89 · 26/03/2021 23:26

Is it really that big of a deal since you're not a "covid believer"

Idiotic.

TheGracefulwhale · 26/03/2021 23:30

Op, I had dd 10 weeks ago. 2 weeks in, ds who is 2 caught covid at nursery. We then caught covid from him. Thankfully, we are all OK but looking after a toddler and a newborn and recovering from a c section with covid was the hardest thing I've ever done. Honestly it was hell in earth.
I think you are well within your rights to limit physical contact given the current situation. It's what you are comfortable with that matters.
A cross our families we have all adhered to what the person least comfortable with the situation preferred and this has worked well for us.

Carbara · 26/03/2021 23:30

Your husband can deal with it. His mother, his problem. If you’re the type of people who think COVID is media drama (for fucks sake) why even care? Let anyone lick the kids face. You can’t act concerned and also ‘it’s over hyped by m’e’d’i’a’’. Educate yourselves, leave your husband to deal with his relatives.

Mummyrowland · 26/03/2021 23:39

What about getting some lateral flow tests and state she has to do one (and show proof) before she comes (pref when she is there so you know it's hers) then mask and hand sanitizer

Stonerosie67 · 26/03/2021 23:46

Your poor mil, she's lost her son hasn't she? To a woman who hates her, is pushing for him to move away with her grandchildren, who can't even offer her the hospitality of her garden and sight of a new baby.

This! Why not be honest and just admit you don't want her anywhere near you? You're the kind of dil mothers of sons dread....

TurquoiseDress · 27/03/2021 00:03

neither of us are the biggest COVID believers

If this is what you both believe, then why is there even an issue with adhering to SD & government guidelines

To be honest, I think this is more an excuse not to have your MIL round

Thedogscollar · 27/03/2021 00:40

You say you and dh are not the biggest covid believers yet you say you've both had covid last year.

You think covid has been sensationalised in the news. What a crass statement given the huge death toll in this country.

You are moving to another country in June and say your PIL will help with move, yet you won't let them hold their grandchild.

Your arguement for this is so flawed it's blatantly obvious you just don't like your MIL but you don't sound very likeable either tbh. I feel sorry for your MIL.

RaeRaeMama · 27/03/2021 00:52

Not going to lie, I'd be fuming as well. My baby is six weeks.

Although I can't stand my MIL so I'm not the most impartial person... regardless, you have just been through it carrying your daughter, birthing her, your probably haven't slept for weeks and now you are likely trying to adjust to life with another child... so regardless of whether you are right or wrong, it should be up to you how often you're having visitors, not your partner and certainly not his mother. If they don't like it, they can fuck off.

That's my take on it any way.

ivfbeenbusy · 27/03/2021 01:08

YABU because you clearly don't like Your MIL and you're using covid as an excuse to be awkward

saraclara · 27/03/2021 01:19

@Stonerosie67

This! Why not be honest and just admit you don't want her anywhere near you? You're the kind of dil mothers of sons dread....

Yep. You don't want her near your DC for eight weeks. And a couple of weeks after that you're moving countries. Poor GPs.

Ask them to get lateral flow tests, then FFS let them have some contact. As for "they can always visit", somehow I don't think you're going to make it that easy or that pleasant for her. And it's not that simple of course, especially at the moment.

Lemonandlime123 · 27/03/2021 01:25

What do you mean you're not the biggest covid 'believer'? Tbh that seems to contradict your issue here?

Sciurus83 · 27/03/2021 06:34

That poor woman. You can have a baby bubble, it's totally legal and your baby is at very minimal risk from covid. She must be heartbroken, and know from how you've been with her that you aren't going to let her be a significant part of her grandson's life.

PurBal · 27/03/2021 06:43

MIL has seen DS twice in his 3 weeks? No, YANBU. I mean I'd see her again before you move but that's a crazy amount of time. Grandparents don't have ownership over their grandchildren. After 8 weeks, will be fine. I'd go insane if my mother was over that often, twice in 8 weeks seems like plenty to me tbh.

luckylavender · 27/03/2021 07:14

You're not 'the greatest Covid believer' (whatever that means) unless it's your MIL when suddenly you understand the risk.

luckylavender · 27/03/2021 07:17

@Jesssr - I'm sorry but this - And just because we're of the opinion that the media have ran away with this in what has been a very dry news year - is the most ridiculous thing I have read on Mumsnet for a long long time.

Brexit, the US election, BLM - just a few things.

JSL52 · 27/03/2021 08:10

What do you mean you're not the 'biggest Covid believers? '
But then you go on to list how you don't want you or the baby to get ill ?

pictish · 27/03/2021 08:20

@luckylavender

You're not 'the greatest Covid believer' (whatever that means) unless it's your MIL when suddenly you understand the risk.

Quite.

saraclara · 27/03/2021 08:43

@PurBal

You think seeing her new grandchild twice in eight weeks is plenty before OP and baby move to another country? Seriously?

If the grandparents are local, twice in three weeks is absolutely normal.

Horehound · 27/03/2021 08:50

@TheGracefulwhale

Op, I had dd 10 weeks ago. 2 weeks in, ds who is 2 caught covid at nursery. We then caught covid from him. Thankfully, we are all OK but looking after a toddler and a newborn and recovering from a c section with covid was the hardest thing I've ever done. Honestly it was hell in earth. I think you are well within your rights to limit physical contact given the current situation. It's what you are comfortable with that matters. A cross our families we have all adhered to what the person least comfortable with the situation preferred and this has worked well for us.

But they don't believe in covid. And also they had their vaccine...

BusyLizzie61 · 27/03/2021 08:51

@Jesssr

Thank you *@OnlyFoolsnMothers* Yes when we're ready for people to hold the baby we will be asking for mask's to be worn

@AnaofBroceliande no not at all, we may not like each other but she's still their grandmother. And she has already seen him twice. It is of course on both mine and DHs mind's that there will be limited opportunity before we leave but it's not like they can't visit! Not like we'll never see them again, they will very likely help up move over so my honest feeling is that it's a bit dramatic to be demanding visit's.

I suppose what I'm asking is it unreasonable to expect her to keep to social distancing until DS has had his jabs at 8 week's... Especially as we're supposed to be social distancing until at least the 21st of June? And if it is the best way to tactfully go about this so feelings don't get hurt and arguments don't blow up.

It's unreasonable of you. She's not breaking rules as you can bubble with a baby under 12 months.

eatsleepread · 27/03/2021 08:52

YABU.

sylbunny · 27/03/2021 08:53

@ChocOrange1

If you make a bubble with her, and your daughter is in any sort of nursery, your MIL will be entitled to free home lateral flow tests. She can just go and pick them up at a test centre, it takes 1 minute and doesn't require an appointment, no proof of ID or anything like that.

This is fantastic information thank you so much!! My mother in law is in our support bubble but her cancer has returned. We've all either had covid or been vaccinated but this will give me that final peace of mind.

JackieWeaverFever · 27/03/2021 08:54

@AnaofBroceliande

Sounds like you don't want your husband's mother to see her new grandchild at all before you move countries.

Yeah this. Transmission rates are so so low right now.

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