Newborn baby and MIL want's to visit

[Jesssr]

Sorry not 100% sure this is the right thread but advice greatly appreciated

My DH and I have 2 children our DD is 2 and our DD is 3 weeks old.
Before our DS was born DH and I discussed visiting, holding the new baby etc and our concerns around COVID. Now neither of us are the biggest COVID believer's, but given all the new strains etc we didn't want to risk our newborn getting unwell, or indeed ourselves as it would make looking after our children very difficult and not what you want in the first few weeks of a new baby. We agreed no visitors for a few weeks and no holding the baby until they had at least had their first set of jabs at 8 week's.
My PILs were round in our house twice before DS was even 2 weeks old. I wasn't happy and it sent my anxiety through the roof. MIL also works in a large supermarket and I consider her to be very high risk.

A few days before DS was born we found our dream house, purely by accident. We were planning on moving, and moving to another country in the very near future but thought we had a year or so left. It's now likely our house will be sold by June, and very possibly before the 'end of lockdown restrictions'.

I think it's important to say that MIL and I are not each others biggest fans, in fact it wouldn't bother me if I never saw or heard from her again. But I still appreciate that it's a bit of a shock and with the crap COVID restrictions over the last year and until June she won't have much of an opportunity to spend time with her only 2 grandchildren.

However because of our rather sudden upcoming departure she and DH have just decided lockdown rules don't matter and she should be able to come round as she pleases. And you know what, if I didn't have a newborn I probably wouldn't even care that much.

But they both can't see my issue with her hugging and kissing our DD. I keep saying it's the risk of transmission, especially as she is always kissing and cuddling DS.

it has been announced that she's coming round tomorrow. And I said fine but she's not coming in the house and she must keep her distance.
It's resulted in a huge argument and I will be made to look like the "bad person' tomorrow when I enforce these rules.

So AIBU? I do appreciate that current lockdown rules mean she shouldn't even be coming round (and I would prefer she didn't and suggested we wait until next weekend) but I think that's a lost battle.
But any advice is welcomed

If it is Covid you are worried about, can she get a test prior to visiting you. Most areas have drive up community testing now.

The 8 weeks vaccinations are for things like Polio, Diptheria, Hepatitis and tetanus. So unless she is thinking on stabbing your baby with a rusty nail or is a drug user I am not sure it is going to make any difference.

I very much believe that Covid is a thing and it makes a significant number of people poorly, but you are asking your MIL to not meet her grandchild - potentially ever if she is elderly / frail and / or you are moving a significant distance away. That is is a very harsh thing to impose.

Are your family in the country you are moving to or do you have a distant relationship with them? It seems odd that they don't want to see their grand child before you exit stage left.

By 'my anxiety levels went through the roof', do you mean that you were worried?

MIL has not had the vaccine, she's not eligible yet, too young.
She also does not have lateral tests I did ask.

Thank you all for your replies. I do appreciate them and think DH and I need to come to some sort of agreement.

So she's good enough to help with the move? Guess no MIL can transmit COVID if she's doing anything useful!

MIL has not had the vaccine, she's not eligible yet, too young
She is under 50?

She also does not have lateral tests I did ask.
You turn up and 30 minutes later they text you to tell you if you your result - everywhere in the country is currently doing this.

@Jesssr

MIL has not had the vaccine, she's not eligible yet, too young. She also does not have lateral tests I did ask.

Thank you all for your replies. I do appreciate them and think DH and I need to come to some sort of agreement.

She might be able to get one through a lateral flow test centre. I really think it’s important to try to foster good relationship with both sets of grandparents. Often people just want to feel involved.

You're being very unreasonable. Let the poor woman see her grandkids and give them a cuddle.

To say you don't get on with her whilst planning to move miles away makes you sound particularly nasty. Not only are you preventing her from having a relationship with your children but you're preventing your children from having the relationship with her that they deserve.

Covid transmission risk is miniscule. Don't be horrible. You'll have plenty of time to do that when you move.

This is potentially one of the most mean spirited threads I think I’ve ever read on here. Unless there’s a massive drip feed coming (we’re on page three now though so is that likely?) I will say this: in my view it is absolutely poor parenting to prevent your children from building a loving relationship with people who would care for them just bc your mother in law gets on your tits.

Covid really has given all the controlling arseholes a legitimacy, hasn’t it?

Has your mum meet the baby? And will you be insistent on social distancing with dd and baby?

@haudyourwheesht
Don't be silly - you can't be mildly worried on Mumsnet.

No you are not unreasonable we will be the same, happy to do outdoor introducing the baby but won’t be passing them around to be held while things are so bad. Honestly it’s your baby your rules. You are right not to risk a new baby catching it. My midwife has told me ahead to be careful and not get caught up in fussing around a new baby and that it’s risky letting people hold them outside the household so I’m happy to follow that advice. Everyone has their own level of risk they are willing to take but as I am in the at risk group myself I feel safer only meeting outdoors for the time being. We are fortunate in our other child is only a toddler and so we have been able to stick together as such and not rely on childcare as we work from home. This won’t all last forever and if you are happy to meet her outside ect it shouldn’t be a big deal not holding the baby.

Just think very carefully about how you want to be treated when your DS is an adult and you are the MIL and remember that very often, children repeat the actions of those who brought them up. Do you really want to teach your son this example??

I also think when you have a ds you need to be a good role model and show them both families are important. I’m sure you want to be included in his family when ds is older.

You sound like a bit of a knob TBH

I think that as you are leaving the country in 8 weeks or so...

You have very little time left in which you have to tolerate a MIL you despise.

As such you can literally count the days til she's not much of a problem

Therefore, as someone who feels COVID has been "sensationalised anyway" you are merely exploiting COVIDs existence to prevent your husbands mother having a goodbye visit to your children.

YABU and cruel

Supermarket workers wear PPE

Grit your teeth get through it and leave the country, you can afford to be generous and rise above whatever animosity you have for her.

Is your husband leaving the house to work?

Your poor mil, she's lost her son hasn't she? To a woman who hates her, is pushing for him to move away with her grandchildren, who can't even offer her the hospitality of her garden and sight of a new baby.

At least you have PILs who want to see their grandchildren! Haven't yet been able to convince mine with my 4 month old. Not even for a stand in the garden.

It sounds like the horse has bolted tbh..she's already been in to visit more than once & cuddling & kissing but tomorrow she suddenly has to stay outdoors & not allowed in? Or have I misunderstood. If she is part of your bubble, then indoors is ok but I'd have hand sanitiser & mask at the ready & maybe a very quick little cuddle but def no kissing given her line of work & potential risk. I understand your dilemma but keeping her outside now (if you didn't before) sounds like something has shifted & she is now being treated differently. If the move isn't til June, you've 2 months to go still so you & DH need to get on the same page with this. Maybe suggest a few days visit when you get settled in your new home & travel restrictions are lifted. MiL prob gets you don't love her & maybe feels like she won't see her GC for ages if future invitations to visit have not been offered. I'd be upset if DIL didn't like me & was moving abroad with kids, I'd be worrying she'd use it to keep her distance & it would affect my relationship with GC. Also, I'd be a bit cross I think that my DPs excluded but MIL has visited a few times...but at least your DPs seem to be understanding. Personally, I'd have only let GPs into the same room briefly for a look...no cuddling/kissing newborn unless they too had zero contact with anyone else for days. But if you've bent the rules before, I don't understand the change now.

If you make a bubble with her, and your daughter is in any sort of nursery, your MIL will be entitled to free home lateral flow tests. She can just go and pick them up at a test centre, it takes 1 minute and doesn't require an appointment, no proof of ID or anything like that.

No one should be kissing new born babies at all and I hate people kissing my children even family members. Herpes is a horrible virus that is extremely dangerous to babies and is passed on through kissing. I wouldn’t even kiss my own children when they were newborns so there was no way I was letting others do it.

When anyone goes in to kiss my DCs they put their heads down so the top of their head is kissed, just like my parents taught us and so on.

I don’t think your being unreasonable at all given the current situation. You need to make it clear, your house, your children, your rules and your DH needs to back you up. I’m very flexible and easy going on many things but not when it comes to anyone disrespecting my wishes where my children are concerned I don’t care if it upsets other people at all.

Lateral flow tests. But then you wouldn’t have the excuse. You really don’t sound very nice.

Hmm, sorry OP it kind of does feel like you are picking and choosing which rules you want to follow. If she's already been into your house twice it does seem strange (or it will at least seem strange to your MIL) to now say she has to stay outside.

No one should be kissing your baby tho, Covid or no Covid, you need to stand your ground on that.

You also said that you think the media have sensationalised Covid, but then also say you wouldn't want anyone to hold the baby until he's had his 8 weeks jabs which is pretty bizarre anyway, but almost unheard of outside of the pandemic. I think you need to focus on resolving the issues you have with your MIL

I can't get past you saying you're not the biggest covid believers-what on earth does that mean!? X

It also feels to me that you're picking and choosing rules which you want to follow and I feel that's because of your feelings towards your MIL.

I think YABU.