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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Newborn baby and MIL want's to visit

112 replies

Jesssr · 26/03/2021 20:14

Sorry not 100% sure this is the right thread but advice greatly appreciated

My DH and I have 2 children our DD is 2 and our DD is 3 weeks old.
Before our DS was born DH and I discussed visiting, holding the new baby etc and our concerns around COVID. Now neither of us are the biggest COVID believer's, but given all the new strains etc we didn't want to risk our newborn getting unwell, or indeed ourselves as it would make looking after our children very difficult and not what you want in the first few weeks of a new baby. We agreed no visitors for a few weeks and no holding the baby until they had at least had their first set of jabs at 8 week's.
My PILs were round in our house twice before DS was even 2 weeks old. I wasn't happy and it sent my anxiety through the roof. MIL also works in a large supermarket and I consider her to be very high risk.

A few days before DS was born we found our dream house, purely by accident. We were planning on moving, and moving to another country in the very near future but thought we had a year or so left. It's now likely our house will be sold by June, and very possibly before the 'end of lockdown restrictions'.

I think it's important to say that MIL and I are not each others biggest fans, in fact it wouldn't bother me if I never saw or heard from her again. But I still appreciate that it's a bit of a shock and with the crap COVID restrictions over the last year and until June she won't have much of an opportunity to spend time with her only 2 grandchildren.

However because of our rather sudden upcoming departure she and DH have just decided lockdown rules don't matter and she should be able to come round as she pleases. And you know what, if I didn't have a newborn I probably wouldn't even care that much.

But they both can't see my issue with her hugging and kissing our DD. I keep saying it's the risk of transmission, especially as she is always kissing and cuddling DS.

it has been announced that she's coming round tomorrow. And I said fine but she's not coming in the house and she must keep her distance.
It's resulted in a huge argument and I will be made to look like the "bad person' tomorrow when I enforce these rules.

So AIBU? I do appreciate that current lockdown rules mean she shouldn't even be coming round (and I would prefer she didn't and suggested we wait until next weekend) but I think that's a lost battle.
But any advice is welcomed

OP posts:

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/03/2021 20:45

Its your baby. What does your health visitor say? What is the GP advice in your locality?
Personally I would insist on masks. being outside and hand sanitising if in the UK its hardly a sacrifice.

ChocOrange1 · 26/03/2021 20:46

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

YANBU, it’s still no guests indoors and SD still applies. I’d be reminding them both of the law.

Social distancing is not a law.

MiddleParking · 26/03/2021 20:47

Honestly it seems like you’re just looking for an excuse to be horrible. Poor MIL. I’ve never understood how people can use their children to enact personal grievances in this way.

gottenhaitch · 26/03/2021 20:48

How dare she want to visit her grandchild. What an absolute bitch.

Horehound · 26/03/2021 20:50

@RizzleRazzle

If you're not a "COVID believer" then what's the problem?

I agree. What an utterly bizarre thing to say.

Let's face it op, you just don't want MIL to come and cuddle your baby because you just don't like her.

MrsJBaptiste · 26/03/2021 20:52

Has your mum been round to see you all OP?

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 26/03/2021 20:53

This is a really hard one because she is really "bubbled" with you (you might not call it that because it was your husband not you who made the bubble but it is what it is) so it's not wrong. You don't want this for your DS but your DH, who gets equal say, does. Your DS is statistically more likely to be more unsafe from 1001 things more than he is this, going in the car is more unsafe for children than being seriously unwell because he's bubbled with granny. It is still hard though because he's your newborn so worrying more than you likely need to is normal.

Original poster

Jesssr · 26/03/2021 20:57

No obviously he wouldn't be getting a covid jab, but our thinking behind waiting for the jabs is that it at least gave him some immunity for things that could make him Ill. Covid obviously isn't the only thing out there to catch.
The official advice from the midwife's and health visitor was that we should be limiting contact with no one outside the house holding a newborn for the first 3 month's.

And just because we're of the opinion that the media have ran away with this in what has been a very dry news year Doesn't mean we're dicks that don't appreciate that it's easily transmissible and other people can get seriously ill from it so it's not for my own agenda.

I have asked my family not to visit until I'm comfortable with it. They're all on board, wishing they could come visit but appreciate video calls and know it's not forever.

OP posts:

SnackSizeRaisin · 26/03/2021 20:58

Realistically there's nothing that the baby gets vaccinated for at 8 weeks that your in laws are going to give them. If you've already had covid then you don't need to worry about it. I would make sure they wash hands and wear clean clothes and don't visit if they are unwell in any way. Beyond that, put whatever reasonable boundaries in place e.g. limit visits to a couple of hours twice a week and they have to ask before they come or whatever you feel happy with. But there's no need to use diseases as an excuse.

MiddleParking · 26/03/2021 20:59

Which of the illnesses that your son is being immunised against are you concerned that your MIL might transmit to him?

EllsBells01 · 26/03/2021 21:00

I read the risk is to babies under 1 month old... I think your hands been forced and there's not much you can do unless you escalate it further and take the baby out for the day which would probably cause WW3. I'd just like it and lump it but definitely discuss it later in time when emotions and hormones have receeded.

pictish · 26/03/2021 21:05

Is there a reason you won’t expand on what your dh thinks about it? I have asked three times and you’ve ignored it.
His opinion does factor in this.

Original poster

Jesssr · 26/03/2021 21:07

Just to reiterate, I have no issues with my MIL coming to visit, limited visits were at the minute she can not hold DS.
and would prefer to wait until next week when we're legally allowed to meet.
My issue is that I want her to respect social distancing from our family whilst visiting until DS gets his jabs at 8 week's to allow him to build some immunity, particularly as he has been poorly since birth.

Asking her to keep her distance is what's blown up

OP posts:

Zan58 · 26/03/2021 21:07

Your baby is not being immunised against anything COVID related; you’ve acknowledged that and said that it’s ‘other illnesses’ you’re concerned about.

So take COVID and 2020/2021 out of the equation - you genuinely just want to keep a newborn away from grandparents who could ‘pass something on’? As would have been the case with millions of parents of newborns for decades? Not to mention it’s lost time they won’t get back with their son/grandchildren cos you’re willing to get on a plane and emigrate but not allow visits from grandparents. Wow.

Original poster

Jesssr · 26/03/2021 21:08

Also DH is still very much in agreement that DS is not to be held until he's had his 8 week jabs

OP posts:

SunbathingDragon · 26/03/2021 21:10

I suppose what I'm asking is it unreasonable to expect her to keep to social distancing until DS has had his jabs at 8 week's... Especially as we're supposed to be social distancing until at least the 21st of June?

You do realise don’t you that childhood vaccinations go over several years to provide immunity. At eight weeks your baby won’t suddenly be protected against everything. They will need to build up immunity and then have a second and sometimes third vaccine to boost up immunity levels.

Why don’t you be nice and have MIL in your bubble as you have a baby under one and then she can legally cuddle her grandchild. You are moving to another country. Have a heart.

pictish · 26/03/2021 21:10

Then leave it to him to deal with. Problem solved.

Hankunamatata · 26/03/2021 21:10

But cant you form a bubble with another house hold? Your moving to another country, I dont blame mil for wanting to see her grandkids as much as she can.

Lockdowntherabbithole · 26/03/2021 21:12

What does your husband want to do?

My in laws used to drive me round the bend but over the first lockdown I think they changed slightly and I relaxed a bit during the space we had from each other. When we got to see them again it dawned on me how much I do love them and that they’re good people who occasionally drive me mad.

I had my second baby in the winter- mid lockdown. My mother in law had made a comment about only being able to meet the baby through the window because of lockdown. Hearing her say that really upset me and I just wouldn’t have wanted her to feel really hurt and not meet him. As it happened, when I had him, they came up in the middle of the night to sit in the house whilst my eldest slept. We came home early in the morning, it was still dark and I remember sat talking to both my in laws whilst we all gazed at this little baby, with just the lamp on and I still think how special that moment was.

Original poster

Jesssr · 26/03/2021 21:13

@pictish
Sorry that wasn't intentional.
DH agrees with limited visits outdoors where DS can't be held until 8 week's, mask's, hand washing etc when we are ready for people to hold him.
He however no longer has an issue (since yesterday) with contact with DD although previously agreed we would keep distance until DS had jabs.

OP posts:

emilyfrost · 26/03/2021 21:17

YABVU and selfish. You’re moving countries.

There’s no reason to wait until his 8 week jabs; you can deny it as much as you want but you are using your baby as a control method.

Circumlocutious · 26/03/2021 21:17

Has she been vaccinated?

londongirl12 · 26/03/2021 21:18

@Jesssr

No obviously he wouldn't be getting a covid jab, but our thinking behind waiting for the jabs is that it at least gave him some immunity for things that could make him Ill. Covid obviously isn't the only thing out there to catch. The official advice from the midwife's and health visitor was that we should be limiting contact with no one outside the house holding a newborn for the first 3 month's.

I have asked my family not to visit until I'm comfortable with it. They're all on board, wishing they could come visit but appreciate video calls and know it's not forever.

A dry news year

Brexit, Trump. Just 2 pretty big things

SunbathingDragon · 26/03/2021 21:18

Do you realise you baby is young enough to still have a large amount of passive immunity to many things and of it wasn’t for covid, which your MIL has likely had a vaccine for and has lateral tests to check due to her job, what you are describing is totally alien. The jabs won’t protect your child against covid. So why wait?

FirmlyRooted · 26/03/2021 21:19

YABU. You're about to leave the country, let the woman spend time with her grandchildren

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