AIBU?
By booking swimming lessons on ExH's contact days?
selflove · 26/03/2021 18:00
ExH and I have 3 kids, (aged 2,4&6). We split when I was pregnant with the youngest. Generally amicable and haven't ever been through court, all private arrangements.
I work Mon/wed/fri, so my kids are in childcare/school 8am-6pm. When we split, none of the kids had started school yet, so the agreed contact arrangement was that he could have the kids Every Other Weekend and tues/Thurs for dinner, which was fine by me, since I'd have spent the whole day with them on the tues/thurs, as I wasn't working those days. He's not hugely reliable and only usually manages one of those evenings, which I'll find out about an hour before, but they're available if he wants to see them.
My kids can't swim, they haven't ever had swimming lessons. I can't take them mon/wed/fri as I work til 6pm. I can't take them Saturday as they have another activity that day. I can't find any swimming classes available for sundays.
Which means if I want my kids to have swimming lessons (and I do, I think it's an essential life skill), the only days they can go are tuesdays or Thursdays. I have found classes with availability on both evenings after school.
ExH says I'm being unreasonable and denying him his contact time with the kids. I said he's welcome to take them swimming himself, he says this isn't the same.
Am I being unreasonable here?! And if so, what's the alternative?! I think him seeing them one evening a week is fine, it's almost entirely all he sees them for atm, but atm he has the flexibility of choosing between tues or Thurs, so he finishes early the day he picks them up for dinner (self employed). And he doesn't want to lose this flexibility.
Mumofsend · 26/03/2021 18:08
Legally you have zero right to book them during his time. It is his time to choose what he does. There is quite a lot of caselaw re things like swimming lessons and football etc that kids like to do. It can and is seen on occasion as being a means of removing contact
Rtmhwales · 26/03/2021 18:10
I think you can't really make this decision unless it's jointly. I wouldn't be impressed in my child's other parent unilaterally decided they had to do one activity on the nights I have them. What's the Saturday activity they can't cancel? Is your ex interested in having them different days like a full weekend day? Is it really worth rocking the boat right now when they could do swimming later? I can't vote because I don't think either of you is being unreasonable I just know if I only saw my kids two nights a week I wouldn't want to waste it watching them do swimming lessons.
Squeejit · 26/03/2021 18:11
I can see it either way really, but ultimately it’s what’s best for the kids, which is to be able to swim. Either dad agrees to take them on his day, or he swaps his days so you can take them.
I expect he doesn’t like being told what to do during his time with them, but those are the options.
spookycookies · 26/03/2021 18:11
@Tinydinosaur
Of course he thinks that because he sees less of them. And he's right.
You could swap his days so he has them Wednesday and you take them swimming Thursday/Tuesday. Watching them at swimming is not quality time with his kids and I would be pissed off.
LotsoTheStrawberryBear · 26/03/2021 18:13
I had exactly this with my ExH. We generally have an amicable arrangement (nothing official throu courts). I just told him he would have to do it end off. Our DD had to learn to swim in the end she did lessons for about a year was age 6/7 and by then I was happy that she wouldn't drown. Hes a parent too that's part of it
CeibaTree · 26/03/2021 18:15
I actually think you are being very unreasonable- it's not for you to dictate what happens when the children are in his care. Imagine if it was the other way round.. Of course it would be nice if he did take them swimming on his night as it does sound like the best time for them to do the lessons, but that's not for you to decide. Do you think he genuinely doesn't want to take them or is he just making the point that you don't get to decide how he spends his time with them?
selflove · 26/03/2021 18:15
@Rtmhwales
In reality, I only see my kids two nights a week too. They are in childcare until 6pm, I pick them up, drive home, do bath/homework if needed, and they are in bed by 7pm. So I thought it was fair that usually he only chose to see them one night a week, then essentially we get one weekday evening a week with them each. And I want to choose swimming lessons on mine - leaving him one evening to do what he wants.
Yes, it would make miles more sense for him to pick them up from school on one of my working days, and to have them then. It would also save me a fortune in childcare, seeing as the 3-6pm after school childcare for three kids costs me £54 a day. So I've lobbied for him to change to see them on my working days instead for AGES, to me, it makes more sense for everyone. I'm better off financially, which benefits the kids (he pays minimum CSA, so the 1K childcare bill a month is solely paid by me), and the kids are better off being with a parent than in childcare. But he said he can't commit to a sole day a week, as his work (painter/decorator) can mean sometimes he works late to get a job finished, and hence he can only ever "know" on the day whether he'll be available to see the kids.
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 26/03/2021 18:16
@Mumofsend
🙄🙄🙄
Did you even read the OP's posts.
@selflove
If he reliably had them both nights and you could take them another time I'd think
It was unreasonable, but given he doesn't & you can't, then no, YANBU!
Tell him that him wanting flexibility is tough luck. If it makes no difference to you which might they go swimming:go to his he can choose which night he wants to have them, but that he needs to stick with it.
Don't be bullied by the twat
ButtonMoony · 26/03/2021 18:19
YAB extremely U
He hardly sees them and you want part of his tine to be sat watching them swim?
It isn't even just the time they are swimming, the tine before and after is compromised as he can't really plan anything.
It is his tine with them so he gets 100 percent decision on what they do.
If you want them to swim then book it on your time.
Just imagine how you would feel.if the situation was reversed and you were only allowed to see them at fixed times and then he tried to dictate what you could do with them as well!
Unbelievable that people think you would be reasonable to do that.
selflove · 26/03/2021 18:20
@Mumofsend
No, our agreement isn't through the court, it's all informal. So legally I can do what I want.
If he wanted to go to court to fight for two evenings a week, I think a judge would look at the fact he'd never stuck to 2 evenings a week in the 3years we'd been split, is usually massively unreliable (evidenced by years of texts etc), and that I suggested other alternatives
1) he sees the kids Monday/Wednesday/Friday evenings
2) he picks either a Tuesday or Thursday to see them regularly, I take them swimming on the other day
3) he keeps both Tuesday AND Thursday and takes them swimming on one day
So I don't think any judge would insist a dad had a right to two evenings a week to have the kids for dinner, where as it stands I don't officially have my for dinner for any evenings at all (they have dinner in childcare 3 days a week while I work).
So I know I'm LEGALLY fine to do as I wish. I was just asking if I'm unreasonable here. I reckon it's going to be a mixed bag.
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 26/03/2021 18:21
I swear people really don't read posts properly.
What you are saying is fair & makes total sense. If he can't commit to one might a week with his kids, tell him that's fine he can see them EOW. IF he wants to see them in the week he needs to make a commitment, like every other bloody adult.
Of course it makes sense to have them
on one of your work mights, but he's far too fucking selfish for that!!
Stop bending over backwards to enable his inability to make a commitment to his children.
CherryDocsInYrBalls · 26/03/2021 18:22
He's not reliable and doesn't turn up for second contact day therefore book the swimming lessons and offer him he can cancel as usual or he can watch them swim and do something before/after. They will still need to eat so he can feed them afterwards. He's being controlling, not you. I did all the swimming lessons with mine and I'm the resident single parent, and it is quality time
toobusytothink · 26/03/2021 18:24
Sorry but I think YANVU and am shocked by how many think it’s fine for you to do this. His time is his time and he can do what he wants. Please don’t plan things for him. I hate that mums automatically take control and can understand why he is annoyed
Honeybobbin · 26/03/2021 18:24
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