By booking swimming lessons on ExH's contact days?

[selflove]

ExH and I have 3 kids, (aged 2,4&6). We split when I was pregnant with the youngest. Generally amicable and haven't ever been through court, all private arrangements.

I work Mon/wed/fri, so my kids are in childcare/school 8am-6pm. When we split, none of the kids had started school yet, so the agreed contact arrangement was that he could have the kids Every Other Weekend and tues/Thurs for dinner, which was fine by me, since I'd have spent the whole day with them on the tues/thurs, as I wasn't working those days. He's not hugely reliable and only usually manages one of those evenings, which I'll find out about an hour before, but they're available if he wants to see them.

My kids can't swim, they haven't ever had swimming lessons. I can't take them mon/wed/fri as I work til 6pm. I can't take them Saturday as they have another activity that day. I can't find any swimming classes available for sundays.

Which means if I want my kids to have swimming lessons (and I do, I think it's an essential life skill), the only days they can go are tuesdays or Thursdays. I have found classes with availability on both evenings after school.

ExH says I'm being unreasonable and denying him his contact time with the kids. I said he's welcome to take them swimming himself, he says this isn't the same.

Am I being unreasonable here?! And if so, what's the alternative?! I think him seeing them one evening a week is fine, it's almost entirely all he sees them for atm, but atm he has the flexibility of choosing between tues or Thurs, so he finishes early the day he picks them up for dinner (self employed). And he doesn't want to lose this flexibility.

[selflove]

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

I swear people really don't read posts properly.

What you are saying is fair & makes total sense. If he can't commit to one might a week with his kids, tell him that's fine he can see them EOW. IF he wants to see them in the week he needs to make a commitment, like every other bloody adult.

Of course it makes sense to have them
on one of your work mights, but he's far too fucking selfish for that!!

Stop bending over backwards to enable his inability to make a commitment to his children.

I mean, this is EXACTLY what I think, obviously 😂 and so do all my family and friends, but I accept they are biased because they love me and strongly dislike him, so I thought I'd get some impartial views.

The fact that some people can see his POV in this means I'll be a bit gentler on him in our discussions, if nothing else. Much more of a "they need swimming lessons, it's an essential life skill" (I take them down to a caravan on the coast multiple times a year, and I don't think one adult should be on the beach with three young non-swimmers), so for him to find swimming lessons that work, and that I'm happy to take them to any lessons at all that fall outside my working hours. And I'm happy to swap his contact days to my working evenings if that makes more sense.

[Superstardjs]

YABVU. If my ex dictated what dc were doing while with me I would be v pissed off. If he won't swap his contact days , leave it for now and either see if different lessons come up or do an intensive course in holidays or some such. You can't plan his time to suit your wishes.

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

@ButtonMoony

YAB extremely U

He hardly sees them and you want part of his tine to be sat watching them swim?

It isn't even just the time they are swimming, the tine before and after is compromised as he can't really plan anything.

It is his tine with them so he gets 100 percent decision on what they do.

If you want them to swim then book it on your time.

Just imagine how you would feel.if the situation was reversed and you were only allowed to see them at fixed times and then he tried to dictate what you could do with them as well!

Unbelievable that people think you would be reasonable to do that.

Read what she has written. He doesn't want to have them the three nights she works so she has to. Pay for childcare. He wants them
To be available to him to pick snd choose whether he sees them on a Tue or Thur

He pays bare minimum but does nothing to reduce her childcare costs. She doesn't get after school time with them that she can plan.

FFS

[ButtonMoony]

How about instead of talking about him not having a right to see the kids, thinking about the kids right to have a relationship with both parents?

They don't need to learn to swim as much as they need a mum and a dad.

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

I’d take the younger two swimming on your two days off as that’s quite young for formal lessons especially the youngest. For the sox year old you could do in the holidays or on your weekends around other activities. You can’t dictate what he does at contact just as he can’t on yours.

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

@Superstardjs

YABVU. If my ex dictated what dc were doing while with me I would be v pissed off. If he won't swap his contact days , leave it for now and either see if different lessons come up or do an intensive course in holidays or some such. You can't plan his time to suit your wishes.

NO. no no no no no

WHY should the kids miss out on swimming lessons so their feckless father can pick & choose when he can be arsed to see them?

[selflove]

@Honeybobbin

I wouldn't stand for the messing around. Of course he has to plan his time when he's due to have his kids! If he's due to pick them up then he can't work late, simple as.
Why are you allowing him to let them down so regularly? What if you had a job where you never knew your finish time? Would your childcare provider keep them indefinitely?

The issue here is he currently sees them one evening a week. Tuesday OR Thursday.

I am not taking that away. He can still see them one evening a week. He just needs to commit to one, and on the other one I will take them swimming. I'm not taking away contact with the kids, in essence, I'm just taking away his flexibility to choose which day to have them.

OR he can have them Mondays, Wednesdays AND Fridays if he so wishes. I'm at work anyway. And he can keep his flexibility- he can just message the childminder and say "I'm 5 mins away, I'll pick up the kids today and take them to mine for dinner". This option has ALWAYS been available to him, he's just never done it.

[NoSquirrels]

But he said he can't commit to a sole day a week, as his work (painter/decorator) can mean sometimes he works late to get a job finished, and hence he can only ever "know" on the day whether he'll be available to see the kids.

He’s an absolute idiot. He’s self-employed so he can work late on the other 4 days a week in order to make damn fucking sure he’s available to pick them up on his days.

I’d be suggesting to him that if he didn’t get in line fucking quickly with your suggestion then you’d be happy to see him in court where you’d be asking the judge to award him 2 afternoons & evenings a week with his children on your working days, on which he could choose to pay for after-school club himself if he couldn’t sort his rota out to pick them up both days.

[Goleor]

As he only turns up on a Tues or thurs and which ever day suits him. Then I would book the children into swimming. Tell him his day is now the remaining day and that it's up to him as an adult to get his shit together and ensure he is available on that day. His lack of organisation is not your problem and why should the children suffer because of it. An hours notice to come and get the kids is totally unreasonable. No court would allow that level of flexibility

[Motnight]

@Superstardjs

YABVU. If my ex dictated what dc were doing while with me I would be v pissed off. If he won't swap his contact days , leave it for now and either see if different lessons come up or do an intensive course in holidays or some such. You can't plan his time to suit your wishes.

This. If a woman had posted that her ex was dictating what she must do with her kids during her contact time I think that there would have been very different answers here.

[ButtonMoony]

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants so if he decided they needed to learn a musical instrument and took it upon himself to book those lessons in the time the kids were with their mum that would be OK and she should suck it up and plan her time around it?

I can imagine just how that thread would go

[selflove]

Sorry @Honeybobbin, I think I quoted you incorrectly instead of another poster. The point is basically the same, I just was answering someone else's question!!

[NoSquirrels]

So in fact, OP, if he wanted to he could pick them up any day of the week he wanted to? He could message the childminder Mon/Wed/Fri if he wanted to, he could pick them up as usual on a Tues if he wanted to, and he could do the swimming run with them on a Thursday if he wanted to.

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

@Superstardjs

YABVU. If my ex dictated what dc were doing while with me I would be v pissed off. If he won't swap his contact days , leave it for now and either see if different lessons come up or do an intensive course in holidays or some such. You can't plan his time to suit your wishes.

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

It's NOT 'his time' he just wants both nights kept free so he can
Pick & choose when to see them

He needs to make a commitment so the OP can plan her life!!

[selflove]

@NoSquirrels

So in fact, OP, if he wanted to he could pick them up any day of the week he wanted to? He could message the childminder Mon/Wed/Fri if he wanted to, he could pick them up as usual on a Tues if he wanted to, and he could do the swimming run with them on a Thursday if he wanted to.

Yes. All of these options have been suggested to him. Multiple, multiple times. If he had them on a Monday/Wednesday/Friday, it would save me £200pm. He chooses not to. He could even see them those days on an inflexible basis and pick up from the childminders on 5 mins notice, which would save me no money, but means the kids are with a parent rather than in childcare, so I'm still good with that option. He has never done this.

[notthemum]

Where i live kids of 2 would be expected to have a parent in the water with them at all times.
Also if not actual bookable lessons then all non swimmers under 8 have to have 1-1 support.

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

[quote ButtonMoony]@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants so if he decided they needed to learn a musical instrument and took it upon himself to book those lessons in the time the kids were with their mum that would be OK and she should suck it up and plan her time around it?

I can imagine just how that thread would go[/quote]
But it's NOT 'his time' he won't commit to it!

[funinthesun19]

I can see both sides. Mainly yours. Learning to swim is an essential skill and he’s not bothered about it. It must be really frustrating wanting to do this for them and you feel like you can’t because the other parent doesn’t have the same values and priorities. All he is bothered about is his time being his time, rather than look at the bigger picture. It’s 1 hour out of his time whether he takes them or you do, and if he wants to do something special one week then they just miss that week.
I can see his side too. BUT then again, this isn’t dance lessons or trampolining or any other hobby that’s not really essential. It’s swimming, so actually I think I would accept it think of what is best for my child instead of what is best for me.

[alexdgr8]

i think you are being unreasonable.
you should not unilaterally impose this on him.
you need to reach a consensus.
it is not good for the children for you to be antagonistic towards him.
he is their other parent. you need to respect his view too.
the children's feelings about both their parents are important.
put your children first and come to an agreement with him.

[Mumofsend]

But it is his time. The children need to see their father, its not their fault he is useless.

[ftm202020]

YABVU! I can't believe people are telling you otherwise.

[NoSquirrels]

@Mumofsend

But it is his time. The children need to see their father, its not their fault he is useless.

But he can still see them. He just can’t have the choice between 2 specific days where he collects from OP. He can have the choice between 4 days, 1 of which he could collect from OP, a d 3 of which he could collect from after school childcare.

[NoSquirrels]

He’s such a bellend OP and I can’t believe anyone saying otherwise has read your posts clarifying.

Go ahead. Let him moan -either he cares to see them one day a week or he doesn’t. You booking swim lessons is not stopping him.

[selflove]

In fairness, my inflammatory thread title doesn't help, but I've been around long enough to know what attracts comments!

If I'd have named the thread "AIBU to ask ExH to confirm which one day a week he wants to see the kids, and to stick to it weekly, rather than giving me 1 hours notice", it would have been a resounding YANBU.

[GreenGarden22]

YANBU, and I can't believe other people are saying the opposite!

Swimming is a necessary life skill. The have to learn for their own safety, even better if they could then help others in difficulty.

Your ex has parental responsibility too, so he should take responsibility for potentially taking them swimming. Why does it have to fall to you to arrange and miss you own 'free' time with the kids?