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AIBU?

By booking swimming lessons on ExH's contact days?

105 replies

selflove · 26/03/2021 18:00

ExH and I have 3 kids, (aged 2,4&6). We split when I was pregnant with the youngest. Generally amicable and haven't ever been through court, all private arrangements.

I work Mon/wed/fri, so my kids are in childcare/school 8am-6pm. When we split, none of the kids had started school yet, so the agreed contact arrangement was that he could have the kids Every Other Weekend and tues/Thurs for dinner, which was fine by me, since I'd have spent the whole day with them on the tues/thurs, as I wasn't working those days. He's not hugely reliable and only usually manages one of those evenings, which I'll find out about an hour before, but they're available if he wants to see them.

My kids can't swim, they haven't ever had swimming lessons. I can't take them mon/wed/fri as I work til 6pm. I can't take them Saturday as they have another activity that day. I can't find any swimming classes available for sundays.

Which means if I want my kids to have swimming lessons (and I do, I think it's an essential life skill), the only days they can go are tuesdays or Thursdays. I have found classes with availability on both evenings after school.

ExH says I'm being unreasonable and denying him his contact time with the kids. I said he's welcome to take them swimming himself, he says this isn't the same.

Am I being unreasonable here?! And if so, what's the alternative?! I think him seeing them one evening a week is fine, it's almost entirely all he sees them for atm, but atm he has the flexibility of choosing between tues or Thurs, so he finishes early the day he picks them up for dinner (self employed). And he doesn't want to lose this flexibility.

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Okbussitout · 26/03/2021 19:36

He seems to think seeing his kids is like how yiud sew a relative. But contact time is so he can be a parent not so he can have a visit with them.

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NoSquirrels · 26/03/2021 19:41

@PandaFluff

How would you feel if he booked horse riding lessons and piano lessons on your days and insisted you took them?

At least read all the OPA’s posts (there’s a button to click that lets you do that) even if you can’t read the whole thread.

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NoSquirrels · 26/03/2021 19:46

He basically treats you appallingly - you get all the responsibility of organising childcare and the financial burden too, and he treats seeing his children as less important than his clients.

He’s behaving shockingly and if this isn’t a formal court-ordered contact I’d definitely be pointing out - sweet but firmly - that he’d have to agree to much less flexibility if you had to go to court.

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ButtonMoony · 26/03/2021 19:50

@Okbussitout

He seems to think seeing his kids is like how yiud sew a relative. But contact time is so he can be a parent not so he can have a visit with them.

To be fair that is entirely dependsnt on how much contact time get.

50/50 then yes I agree completely.

If the non resident parent only gets a few hours a week then expecting them to fit activities in as well is not fair on the children or the parent.

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sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/03/2021 19:51

If you got him to commit to 2 nights a week and it was tues and thurs you still couldn't insist he takes them swimming. If he does commit to certain days then you would still need to book the lessons on a day you have them.

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BakewellGin1 · 26/03/2021 19:57

So basically he can have them any day of the week apart from swimming day...

He chooses to mess you about and not tell you what he is doing until just before so how can you plan anything for those days ever the way he is going on...

He already frequently misses one of his days...

There is no legal arrangement... Therefore you don't have to stick to 'contact' days as nothing has ever been set in writing?

He is self employed therefore can organise his work to allow an early finish on days he has the children but he chooses not to do so...

I don't think you are being unreasonable actually. Your not preventing him seeing them, you have offerered more contact which he declined and if you went through court he would have to settle on particular days as you wouldnt have to be flexible like you are now

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RedGoldAndGreene · 26/03/2021 20:01

He is unreasonable and some of your replies are from people who have clearly not read your updates. I think that your flexibility has bitten you on the arse and it must be shitty for your kids not knowing if they'll see their Dad on Tuesday or Thursday each week - mine would have been very unsettled with such a routine.

I have heard lots of success stories about kids around your oldest's age, improving over intensive courses during half- terms and school
holidays. I'd be inclined to give them a go starting May half-term.

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SnackSizeRaisin · 26/03/2021 20:03

He's unreasonable for several reasons. He's basically using you for free childcare! If nothing else he should change his days to enable this. However, I suggest just sending the 6 year old swimming for now. He can still have the other 2 if he wants. Surely that is a reasonable compromise?

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DianaT1969 · 26/03/2021 20:19

You aren't planning to send them twice a week are you OP? That's too much for little ones with school and other activities each week. Once a week and he can take them.

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Alwaysandforeverhere · 26/03/2021 20:22

Yanbu plus what kind of good parent doesn’t want their children to know how to swim for safety reasons. It’s what 25/30minutes once a week.

I bet once the new baby arrived he will lose interest anyway.

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WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 26/03/2021 20:26

Yanbu. My ex was the same. He would see the DC on Saturday or Sunday depending on how he felt at the time. Often with a "on my way to get them now" text in the morning. I spent a few years accommodating this and then realised it was bonkers. I told him to pick and day and stick to it, and if he couldn't then I couldn't guarantee they would be free. Of course he was free to change the day with enough notice.

As a child did a lot of extra curriculars. Dance. Swimming. Brownies/guides etc. If my activity was on a day I was with my Dad he took me. Why wouldn't he. He was a parent and wanted to make me happy. Attending activities was part of that.

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CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 26/03/2021 20:32

Swimming is an important life skill. Swimming lessons are not a long-term commitment. perhaps a year or two at most. I don't think the OP is being unreasonable and the exH being unreliable does not help his point of view.

Sadly I think it may end up having to be a court supported arrangement at some stage.

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GettingItOutThere · 26/03/2021 20:35

OP i have read all your posts here, my conclusion is this

Book the kids into swimming either tuesday or thursday. End of story,

he has the other day and the option of picking a different day mon/wed/fri if he can be arsed.

swimming is 100% a life skill they need, what if they fell into a pond in a friends garden!?!

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Phineyj · 26/03/2021 20:50

Sadly, I think this problem will solve itself when the new baby arrives as he will find he can't do any evenings at all.

If you often go to the same caravan, is there a pool near there? With 3, a one-to-one teacher on holiday could work out quite cost-effective. Some kids don't make a lot of progress in those group lessons so it could even be faster if you practice in between.

A plan based on getting a flaky person to be less flaky is doomed to failure. I do think he should have a fixed day though and it should be use it or lose it. It's not like you can run late and expect him to step in.

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Okbussitout · 26/03/2021 21:13

@ButtonMoonyo why is he only seeing his kids a few hours a week though?

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harknesswitch · 26/03/2021 21:28

Yabu you've booked them to do something on his days. I know swimming is important but how would you feel if he booked them in for something every Saturday and you were expected to take them on your weekends too?

He might not be reliable, but they are still his days to have the dc. You should have made the decision with him, or take them on a night that is yours.

I had this shit with my ex, but tbh I had to be the responsible parent (as he never would be) and do things like swimming lessons on the evenings I had them. Still annoys the shit out of me that my dc miss out on regular activities as he cba go take them on his weekends but that's life and something the dc will realise when they get older

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toobusytothink · 26/03/2021 21:44

Yes - apologies - posted before I read your updates. Didn’t realise the days weren’t fixed. If it is otherwise amicable then definitely worth trying to talk to him about switching days. And surely would be in everyone’s best interests for him to do the days when you are working anyway. He’s being a silly twat. U turn from me 😄

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HoldontoOneMoreDay · 26/03/2021 21:45

He's a twat. Book the lessons. (I may be tired and grumpy tonight.)

As you say, if he wants to pick the DCs up from childcare on a Mon, Wed or Fri, he can do that. If he wants them on Tuesday as normal, he can do that. If he wants them on Thursday, he can have them but he has to take them to swimming.

If he can't deal with swimming, there are four other nights a week to choose from...

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HoldontoOneMoreDay · 26/03/2021 21:46

@harknesswitch

Yabu you've booked them to do something on his days. I know swimming is important but how would you feel if he booked them in for something every Saturday and you were expected to take them on your weekends too?

He might not be reliable, but they are still his days to have the dc. You should have made the decision with him, or take them on a night that is yours.

I had this shit with my ex, but tbh I had to be the responsible parent (as he never would be) and do things like swimming lessons on the evenings I had them. Still annoys the shit out of me that my dc miss out on regular activities as he cba go take them on his weekends but that's life and something the dc will realise when they get older

This will probably happen though as DCs get older and develop their interests. It's part of co-parenting that just has to be sucked up.

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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/03/2021 21:50

You are being entirely reasonable. He’s got the choice to switch his days to your working days which makes more sense anyway!

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tttigress · 26/03/2021 21:54

I partially see his point.

But couldn't you work it so he takes them to the lessons, and then has dinner with them.

Kids usually like swimming so it would probably build some happy memories on both sides.

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HugeAckmansWife · 26/03/2021 22:15

harkness she can't take them on 'her' nights because she works until an hour before their bedtime. He could have then any of those nights and save her money, but he won't. All he has to do is pick which of his notional nights he actually wants and the op can book swimming on the other one. He doesn't see them on both nights now because he can't be arsed to organise his self employed hours. The op would love 50/50. He doesn't want it.

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HugeAckmansWife · 26/03/2021 22:24

Also. Whyis taking them swimming not quality time? Yes it's damp and a faff, but especially if it's your one night you buy special fluffy towels and unicorn onesies, always have a special treat or snack on the way home, see them progress, see and tell them how brilliant they are when they do a thing they couldn't do before. Why is that worse than cooking fish fingers and watching cbeebies or going to a park?

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BendingSpoons · 26/03/2021 22:38

AIBU to tell ex that the kids are busy one night a week to go swimming?

YANBU

The OP is not forcing her ex to take them swimming, or preventing established contact.

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NoSquirrels · 27/03/2021 11:08

He might not be reliable, but they are still his days to have the dc. You should have made the decision with him, or take them on a night that is yours.

She’s tried to “make the decision with him” by asking him to commit to which day he sees the children in the week. He currently doesn’t see them 2 days a week, he only sees them 1 day. OP just wants him to confirm which day so she can book swimming in her day NOT his day.

Additionally he could swap ‘his’ other day (which he currently doesn’t see them but has ‘the option to see them’) for ANY OTHER DAY IN THE WEEK.

He’s an absolute arse and OP is doing nowt wrong.

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