To legally revert back to my maiden name?

[ThatOtherPoster]

When I married my first husband, I changed my surname to his. We have 2 DC that also have his surname. Eldest is nearly 18 now, youngest is still in their early teens.

When we divorced, I kept his name to be the same as the kids.

I then remarried. But I kept my first husband’s surname. He has mentioned a few times that he hates it. 😬

I now need to renew my passport and driving licence card, and I’m thinking of using that opportunity to change my surname back to my maiden name.

But I think this will hurt my husband’s feelings. Like, if I go to the trouble of changing it, it’ll be a kick on the teeth if I don’t change it to his name.

I’ve talked to DH about it and I think he’d prefer I had my maiden name rather than my ex’s name, but ideally I’d take his name. Except, I don’t want to.

I still work in my maiden name. I’ll miss sharing a surname with my DC but I think it’s time to be “me” again.

AIBU?

Plus, if we tried to travel abroad with the youngest DC, will that be a problem if neither of us (me, or DH) have their surname on our passports?

Sorry - this is unclear:

I then remarried. But I kept my first husband’s surname. He has mentioned a few times that he hates it.

Current/new DH hates it. I don’t know or care what ex DH thinks about it! 😆

I think change your name to the one you want! Plenty of grandparents and parents with different names take children abroad with no problems. It really won’t be a bother don’t worry about it

YANBU at all. Why exchange one somebodyelse’s name for another somebodyelse’s name.

Re travel: I have kept my maiden name throughout, kids have DH surname, I have travelled with them alone with no issues. It’s wise to carry a letter of permission from the other parent just in case, but that’s true regardless of surnames.

How do your DC feel? Not that that should be the deciding factor, but it’s just as relevant as your DH’s view, arguably more so.

I’ve just asked DH if he’d mind if I reverted back to my maiden name. He said, “It’d be infinitely preferable to [ex DH name].”

I’m sad if I’m hurting his feeling by not taking HIS name but I just want to be “me”.

I think travelling with older children isn’t a big issue. It’s mainly around young children when they can’t answer the question is this your parent etc.

I can see why your current DH would be slightly offended if you didn’t pick his name however it would annoy me even more if my partner kept their ex partners last name. It’s a constant reminder when post arrives etc.

If you feel better with your maiden name go for it, there isn’t a rule women have to take the husbands name and if he wants to have the same name you can suggest he takes your 🤣

How do your DC feel? Not that that should be the deciding factor, but it’s just as relevant as your DH’s view, arguably more so.

Argh - I hadn’t even thought of this! I didn’t think they’d mind. I’ll ask them tonight. Would they care? I know I’ll still be called their surname by teachers, etc, and I wouldn’t be jumping to correct that.

Your DH needs to get past the idea that your name belongs to your ex. It's your name and your children's name and if the only reason to change it is that and the fact that you are renewing ID then I wouldn't waste your time.

I can see why your current DH would be slightly offended if you didn’t pick his name however it would annoy me even more if my partner kept their ex partners last name. It’s a constant reminder when post arrives etc.

I’m so insensitive - you’re right, he hates it on the post. I really don’t get that. I have NO feelings for exDH at all. I hadn’t realised that’d be hurting him.

It's your name and your children's name and if the only reason to change it is that and the fact that you are renewing ID then I wouldn't waste your time.

Thanks. I’m not changing it to appease new DH. I’d rather have my “own” name again. If I were appeasing new DH I’d change my name to his! But I just don’t want to. I’ve got a big birthday coming up and I’d like to make it by being me again. And I need to renew the passport and driving licence, so it’s time to decide.

You're worried about hurting his feelings....but what about your own?

You're worried about hurting his feelings....but what about your own?

I’d rather have my old name now. I just didn’t want to kick him in the nuts by going to all the effort of changing my surname - but not changing it to his.

Maiden name seems best thing to do. Lots of reasons.

It's your original name and your work name so it feels like "you".

Children are older so having same name is less important for administrative reasons. You can ask them but what you want comes first.

You lose the feeling/ impression that you are still "connected " to your ex husband. I can see why your current H hates it (albeit there was some logic in wanting the same name as your children when they were small; I'm assuming you didn't have more children with your new H).

If your H feels strongly that he'd like you both to have the same name he has the option of changing his to your maiden name. (I can see why he wouldn't want your ex's name!)

Personally I think women shouldn't change name on marriage and children should have their mother's surname but this isn't a popular view. It's very logical though!

I think changing to your own is the choice you want to make. So go for it. I changed to my husbands name and I often think about it now. Why is it we do this / men are the superior. It kind of annoys me at times but 100 percent I wanted same name as dc (but it wouldn't bother me once they got into teens /adulthood)

He might be wondering why you are acting differently in marriage 1 and marriage 2 - you wanted number 1's name but you don't want his.
You could explain your feelings about the concept of names have changed, and it's not a comparison of the men with those names.

He might be wondering why you are acting differently in marriage 1 and marriage 2 - you wanted number 1's name but you don't want his.

It’s my view on marriage that’s changed. I used to think it was forever. But the divorce changed that! 😆

Yes and you could also point out that you used your first married name "for the children" which doesn't apply in your second marriage. It moves the focus from your ex husband that way.

It's never occurred to me to use anything other than my family name. My husband's feelings are important to me, too, but on the rather large matter of my own personal identity - and yes, a name is important - the only person with any real right of opinion is me.

It's not a legal obligation but I'm still quite surprised at the weight of social expectation that as a woman I'm going to relinquish my own identity - for better or worse and irrespective of my abusive father - to take on someone else's with whom I don't share the same family history. On occasion people have been quite rude about this, although I would question why this matters to them. It's MY name, and was my mother's name, as much as it was my father's.

Names are not on loan to women from men. As far as I am concerned there's no such thing as a 'maiden' name. In OP's position, my own family name is the one I would use.

Yes and you could also point out that you used your first married name "for the children" which doesn't apply in your second marriage.

That was definitely true, and the reason why I kept it. Thank you.

It's MY name, and was my mother's name, as much as it was my father's.

Love this.

THANK YOU! I’m going to do it. I’m off to the bank this morning with my decree absolute. I’ve asked my work to change my payslip to my maiden name as the passport advice seems to need that (??!). Then I’ll work my way through the other stuff.

THANK YOU.

If your current DH wants his name to be the same as your's he could always change his name to your maiden name too.

If he's unwilling to do that, he has no say about what name you use.

Bugger - I haven’t asked the kids yet.

I’m of the mindset of not giving a shit what any of the men in this situation think, quite frankly.

It’s your name, not theirs. It’s your identity, not theirs.

If my husband was pissed off that I had ‘another man’s name’ and then was pissed off I chose my own maiden name, rather than mark myself as belonging to him, I’d tell him to get over himself.

I’m of the mindset of not giving a shit what any of the men in this situation think, quite frankly.

😂 😂 😂

I’ve kept my married name since my separation. I wanted the same name as my children and grandchildren.
I wouldn’t be changing it to anyone else’s name.