To legally revert back to my maiden name?

[ThatOtherPoster]

When I married my first husband, I changed my surname to his. We have 2 DC that also have his surname. Eldest is nearly 18 now, youngest is still in their early teens.

When we divorced, I kept his name to be the same as the kids.

I then remarried. But I kept my first husband’s surname. He has mentioned a few times that he hates it. 😬

I now need to renew my passport and driving licence card, and I’m thinking of using that opportunity to change my surname back to my maiden name.

But I think this will hurt my husband’s feelings. Like, if I go to the trouble of changing it, it’ll be a kick on the teeth if I don’t change it to his name.

I’ve talked to DH about it and I think he’d prefer I had my maiden name rather than my ex’s name, but ideally I’d take his name. Except, I don’t want to.

I still work in my maiden name. I’ll miss sharing a surname with my DC but I think it’s time to be “me” again.

AIBU?

Plus, if we tried to travel abroad with the youngest DC, will that be a problem if neither of us (me, or DH) have their surname on our passports?

I’m confused about the deed poll thing, about the difference between enrolled and unenrolled.

I agree, @IstandwithJackieWeaver, that deed poll isntvyheceasiestcway of doing this! I know I can just use the documents. It’s just I looked into deed polls and found them interesting. :)

Anyway, it seems possible that (with an unenrolled deed poll) you can just write a letter saying, “I now renounce my old name, and from this day forth wish to be known only as Ms Thunderous of Thighs,” and that’d then be legal. But surely banks, passport offices, etc, wouldn’t accept that?

With the more official (but way more faffy) enrolled deed polls, there’s a lovely declaration you get to sign. It’s beautifully written and really quite moving. I do quite fancy doing it just for that bit alone. But then you need affidavits and solicitors snd ugh, hassle.

I’ll just go yo the bank tomorrow with my paperwork and start the first ball rolling.

^ isntvyheceasiestcway is my official deed poll spelling of “isn’t the easiest way”. Unenrolled.

Yes everyone will accept an unenrolled deed poll.

DD just changed her provisional, passport, bank and electoral register using a standard deed poll.

@ThatOtherPoster

Thank you all so much for sharing your advice and stories on here. It's really helpful.

I've decided I'm going for it. I know I can do it just by wafting my decree absolute around, but I checked online how to do a deed poll. Did you know you need your husband's (or wife's) permission to do a deed poll?! I had no idea.

No, you don’t!

With the more official (but way more faffy) enrolled deed polls, there’s a lovely declaration you get to sign. It’s beautifully written and really quite moving. I do quite fancy doing it just for that bit alone. But then you need affidavits and solicitors snd ugh, hassle.

A normal deed poll will be exactly the same. You don't need anyone but your witnesses and you can order copies at the same time which will be certified and accepted by most places you need to show them to.

www.deedpolls-online.co.uk

This is who DD used for hers.

You can get a template online and do it for free but I felt the guaranteed acceptance was worth paying for. We got the one deed poll and 5 certified copies. We have only used the certified copies and no one has refused them.

You won't need a deed poll if reverting back to your maiden name.
I did it several years after a divorce.
It's very time consuming so you need a list of everything that has your name on from doctors, the gas bill to your nectar card and PayPal!
Some are easy like an online form, others need all sorts of proof sending off so get the ones you can do in person first.
If the children are older I wouldn't bother with the school though.
Good luck, it's a ball ache but worth it to be you again 😁

@ThatOtherPoster - under English law you can call yourself whatever you like (within reason!) it's consistency that's key for official use.

I didn't change my name when I married so have a different surname to my children. It had never caused any problems until about 3 or 4 years ago when we were arriving back home after a trip abroad. I went in the huge queue for passport control with the children but DH went through the automated gates saying he'd get the luggage and meet us at the car.
I got quite an interrogation about who I was, why I had children with a different name with me, where was their father, did I have their birth certificates etc. And they were both secondary school age so it's not like they couldn't speak for themselves. We were allowed through eventually but it wasn't a pleasant experience. I do carry copies of their birth certificates when we travel abroad now. You may never get stopped - its never happened to me before - but my experience shows it can happen so it might be worth carrying copies of their birth certificates to be on the safe side.

We should stop calling it a maiden name. It's just your name.

This is why I kept my name and gave the kids mine too. Just be you.

change my surname back to my maiden name.

Not your maiden name. The name you were born with. Your name.

I agree - birth name will do if you need to differentiate it from a married name.

@IstandwithJackieWeaver

I agree - birth name will do if you need to differentiate it from a married name.

Do men go around saying ‘my birth name’? I didn’t think so. It’s our name and has been as much as it was and is our brothers’.

How would you suggest differentiating a name given at birth from a married name then? I don't refer to my own name as my birth name because I have no need to.

I reverted to my pre-marriage name last year - still happily married to dh but my outlook has changed in the 20+ years since I married him. The dc know and don’t mind me having a different second name to the rest of them. It did an unenrolled change if babe and am working my way through official documents as they come up. No issue with banks/diving licence etc at all.

• I did an unenrolled change of name

And driving licence - no deep sea diving for me

I found govt bodies were much better at understanding what was required than some of the companies I dealt with, e.g. O2, who were just wrong.

@ThatOtherPoster

He might be wondering why you are acting differently in marriage 1 and marriage 2 - you wanted number 1's name but you don't want his.

It’s my view on marriage that’s changed. I used to think it was forever. But the divorce changed that! 😆

It's also the case that society's view has changed on this one. When you got married the first time round, it was still the norm to take your husband's name. Nowadays, it's much less common; if marriage 1 had happened nowadays, you would probably have stuck with your maiden name, especially as you were still going to use it for work.

So in a sense, there's more of a difference between then and now than marriage 1 and marriage 2.

@ThatOtherPoster

Thank you all so much for sharing your advice and stories on here. It's really helpful.

I've decided I'm going for it. I know I can do it just by wafting my decree absolute around, but I checked online how to do a deed poll. Did you know you need your husband's (or wife's) permission to do a deed poll?! I had no idea.

I didn’t when I changed mine.

You have your birth certificate in your own name.

It isn’t a ‘kick in the nuts’ to a man not to use his name any more than it is the equivalent to you that he doesn’t take yours.

I’m just back from the bank! It’s official!! I’ll be my old lovely name from next week. Yay! She asked me to sign the form once in my old signature and again in my new one, and that threw me for a loop. I had to practise first.

I’ve also ordered a deed poll just do I can do several changes simultaneously without having to post out my decree absolute/birth certificate then wait for them to come back.

I’m really excited. Thanks for all your help on here. I love that I’ll be me again for my 50th (yikes) birthday.

Whatever you do, it seems only fair that you discontinue use of your ex’s surname.

I disagree with this! For me personally, I’m keeping my (married) name because it’s now my name. Some women might feel it’s not theirs, but I don’t, it’s my name now and I cannot be arsed with changing it again.

@altiara

Whatever you do, it seems only fair that you discontinue use of your ex’s surname.

I disagree with this! For me personally, I’m keeping my (married) name because it’s now my name. Some women might feel it’s not theirs, but I don’t, it’s my name now and I cannot be arsed with changing it again.

I agree!

I would never change my name on marriage anyway, but once you have your name, any name, it is yours.

Men's names are not a temporary label or some kind of branding exercise through which they label a woman as 'theirs', to be the re-branded or still considered part of the man's brand when a relationship ends.

If a woman chooses to keep a name she took on, especially if she wishes to remain the same as her kids, then that is her absolute right. Men need to think about this when they think a woman should take their name.

And future partners should respect that and see the name as hers - which it is.

Enjoy your own original birth name, OP - and I think it's lovely that your kids want to share it with you.

I cannot be arsed with changing it again.

I fully support this! It’s a faff.