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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To legally revert back to my maiden name?

110 replies

ThatOtherPoster · 25/03/2021 09:12

When I married my first husband, I changed my surname to his. We have 2 DC that also have his surname. Eldest is nearly 18 now, youngest is still in their early teens.

When we divorced, I kept his name to be the same as the kids.

I then remarried. But I kept my first husband’s surname. He has mentioned a few times that he hates it. 😬

I now need to renew my passport and driving licence card, and I’m thinking of using that opportunity to change my surname back to my maiden name.

But I think this will hurt my husband’s feelings. Like, if I go to the trouble of changing it, it’ll be a kick on the teeth if I don’t change it to his name.

I’ve talked to DH about it and I think he’d prefer I had my maiden name rather than my ex’s name, but ideally I’d take his name. Except, I don’t want to.

I still work in my maiden name. I’ll miss sharing a surname with my DC but I think it’s time to be “me” again.

AIBU?

Plus, if we tried to travel abroad with the youngest DC, will that be a problem if neither of us (me, or DH) have their surname on our passports?

OP posts:
Subeccoo · 25/03/2021 15:17

Divorced h#1, reverted straight back to maiden name. Dcs had double barreled anyway as born before we married.
Over the years Dcs all dropped dad's name, not because they hate him, they're just very aware I'm their main care giver and they wanted my name to reflect that.
New dh, tried out his name for a couple of weeks, hated it. Didn't feel like me, didn't seem right to now be different to my own Dcs, and have the same name as HIS dcs.
So I'm miss xxxxx and he's Mr yyyyyyy and we still even in 2021 have to explain that.
My husband is more than happy with me having my own name, you should ideally please yourself and dcs first.

MazekeenSmith · 25/03/2021 15:21

Having a different surname doesn't matter when travelling as long as you have a copy of their birth certificate saved on your phone camera roll.
It REALLY won't matter now the kids are teenagers.

toconclude · 25/03/2021 15:45

@ThatOtherPoster

You're worried about hurting his feelings....but what about your own?

I’d rather have my old name now. I just didn’t want to kick him in the nuts by going to all the effort of changing my surname - but not changing it to his.

I'm sorry but all this extreme talk about how much it would hurt him and how terrible you are not to do it when his actual response appears to be "better your maiden name than the other guy's" comes across as a bit...odd. You want your maiden name? Have it.
Original poster
ThatOtherPoster · 25/03/2021 15:49

Thank you all so much for sharing your advice and stories on here. It's really helpful.

I've decided I'm going for it. I know I can do it just by wafting my decree absolute around, but I checked online how to do a deed poll. Did you know you need your husband's (or wife's) permission to do a deed poll?! I had no idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatOtherPoster · 25/03/2021 15:50

@toconclude - you're dead right. I'm an over thinker.

OP posts:
activitythree · 25/03/2021 15:52

Did you know you need your husband's (or wife's) permission to do a deed poll?! I had no idea.

You need permission? Why on earth would an adult need someone else's permission to change their name?

Whenthesunshines · 25/03/2021 15:53

I honestly think use any name apart from your ex husband’s!!

minniemoocher · 25/03/2021 15:54

I'm in the position of needing to decide whether to change my name, dp doesn't mind but I did say if we marry I would take his name

MintyCedric · 25/03/2021 15:58

Enjoy being 'you' again!

I reverted to my maiden name when I divorced and my then 13yo DD didn't mind at all. She has talked about changing it adding it to hers when she's 18 as vanishing unlikely XH would agree to it before then.

As it happens I changed my name by deed poll when I was 16 as family name was somewhat dubious, so it's entirely mine now, not XHs or my lovely Dad's.

MintyCedric · 25/03/2021 15:59

Incidentally I've had no issues travelling abroad with DD and have no intention of changing my name if I ever remarry.

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 25/03/2021 16:00

I think you have made the right decision.

Original poster
ThatOtherPoster · 25/03/2021 16:04

You need permission? Why on earth would an adult need someone else's permission to change their name?

I know, right! But you do. This is a screenshot from the Gov deed poll guidance.

To legally revert back to my maiden name?
OP posts:
Yolanda524 · 25/03/2021 16:04

I would revert to your maiden name. I wish I had never changed my name when I got married but I wanted the same name as my kids. I wish I had insisted on them having my surname but I never thought about it at the time but really don’t feel like my married name is me and really regret changing it.

activitythree · 25/03/2021 16:26

That is taken from the form for enrolling a deed poll through the court. Not the guidance on deed polls on gov website. It's not the same.

Larryslockdownlunch · 25/03/2021 16:57

I have my late husbands surname and so do our 3 DC. I feel really connected to the name and it's been my name for a long time. I recently had a baby with my new partner and the DC (teenagers) were adamant that the baby should have 'our' surname. My DP was somewhat put out. He knows I won't change my name if we get married but giving his baby my late husbands name was a step too far for him. But I see it as my name now not just my 'married' name!
I think I'd obviously feel different if we'd been divorced....

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 25/03/2021 17:04

I'm in a very similar position to you, OP, except I don't have kids. My maiden name is more unusual and when I got married I took his surname which is more common and I like it. We divorced years ago but I'm due to marry my partner this year. I don't want to keep my current married name when I re-marry, although I don't dislike it and it's been mine for over 20 years (I also don't want that name on my death certificate!). My intended would also rather I didn't keep my old married name which I completely understand. However, his name is also unusual so I'm dithering about whether to go back to my maiden name or take his name. It's such a faff changing everything thought, and part of me really can't be arsed!

PicaK · 25/03/2021 17:06

For me, my maiden name is my dad's name. Which was why I didn't mind changing it when I got married.
Now I'm divorced, if I was going to change it I'd probably pick a new name entirely!
But the passport is only 8 years old (I'm so tight!) and I'm still wanting the same name as the kids.
Whatever you want is fine.

IstandwithJackieWeaver · 25/03/2021 17:17

@ThatOtherPoster

You need permission? Why on earth would an adult need someone else's permission to change their name?

I know, right! But you do. This is a screenshot from the Gov deed poll guidance.

This is irrelevant for a woman reverting to her birth surname. Presenting your birth certificate and decree absolute and advising you now wish to be known by your birth name is not wafting anything around. You don't need anyone's permission, you just tell them. Yes you will probably come up against some "computer says no, you need a deed poll" responses, but that is incorrect for a woman reverting to the name she was given at birth. I know, I've done it!
IstandwithJackieWeaver · 25/03/2021 17:19

If you want to over complicate matters that's your choice!

pinkyredrose · 25/03/2021 17:27

For me, my maiden name is my dad's name. Which was why I didn't mind changing it when I got married

That old chestnut!

activitythree · 25/03/2021 17:48

@IstandwithJackieWeaver

This is irrelevant for a woman reverting to her birth surname. Presenting your birth certificate and decree absolute and advising you now wish to be known by your birth name is not wafting anything around. You don't need anyone's permission, you just tell them. Yes you will probably come up against some "computer says no, you need a deed poll" responses, but that is incorrect for a woman reverting to the name she was given at birth. I know, I've done it!

We were specifically taking about the 'rules' for deedpolls in the post you quoted, not whether or not a deed poll was the right option

MazekeenSmith · 25/03/2021 17:53

@PicaK

For me, my maiden name is my dad's name. Which was why I didn't mind changing it when I got married. Now I'm divorced, if I was going to change it I'd probably pick a new name entirely! But the passport is only 8 years old (I'm so tight!) and I'm still wanting the same name as the kids. Whatever you want is fine.
Weird! For me, it's my name :) I've been using it all my life after all
IstandwithJackieWeaver · 25/03/2021 20:33

@activitythree - who made you the thread police?! My point is perfectly valid.

activitythree · 25/03/2021 21:00

[quote IstandwithJackieWeaver]@activitythree - who made you the thread police?! My point is perfectly valid.[/quote]

Haha.

What?

Yes your point is valid but not in the context of the quote you reposted.

Anyway, have a lovely evening.

noirchatsdeux · 25/03/2021 21:19

When I reverted to my maiden name (to renew my Australian passport) I was married. I did it through my solicitor, by Deed Poll...I didn't need my husband's permission.