To legally revert back to my maiden name?

[ThatOtherPoster]

When I married my first husband, I changed my surname to his. We have 2 DC that also have his surname. Eldest is nearly 18 now, youngest is still in their early teens.

When we divorced, I kept his name to be the same as the kids.

I then remarried. But I kept my first husband’s surname. He has mentioned a few times that he hates it. 😬

I now need to renew my passport and driving licence card, and I’m thinking of using that opportunity to change my surname back to my maiden name.

But I think this will hurt my husband’s feelings. Like, if I go to the trouble of changing it, it’ll be a kick on the teeth if I don’t change it to his name.

I’ve talked to DH about it and I think he’d prefer I had my maiden name rather than my ex’s name, but ideally I’d take his name. Except, I don’t want to.

I still work in my maiden name. I’ll miss sharing a surname with my DC but I think it’s time to be “me” again.

AIBU?

Plus, if we tried to travel abroad with the youngest DC, will that be a problem if neither of us (me, or DH) have their surname on our passports?

I agree with @BarbaraofSeville. He has no business being offended when it doesn’t sound like him taking your name is an option for him.

@BriarsHollow

I’m of the mindset of not giving a shit what any of the men in this situation think, quite frankly.

It’s your name, not theirs. It’s your identity, not theirs.

If my husband was pissed off that I had ‘another man’s name’ and then was pissed off I chose my own maiden name, rather than mark myself as belonging to him, I’d tell him to get over himself.

Yes to all of this.

I wonder, for a man to be upset by his wife's post having 'her ex' name on it, he either has to be of such low intelligence he doesn't understand that A. The name is hers and B. The name does not affect the marriage/feelings etc, or he has to be a bit controlling which means he is annoyed that his wife is 'someone elses'

In the real world, in a relatively normal relationship, your name doesn't matter.

@ThatOtherPoster

He might be wondering why you are acting differently in marriage 1 and marriage 2 - you wanted number 1's name but you don't want his.

It’s my view on marriage that’s changed. I used to think it was forever. But the divorce changed that! 😆

Yeah don’t say this to him!!

I've never had the same surname as my mother and my kids don't have my surname its never been an issue travelling

New DH is definitely not controlling. I’m sure there’s some weird male ego thing going on with the names, which again I don’t understand, but he’s not controlling.

Anyway, he’s said he doesn’t mind if I do what I want to do, so all good.

Eek, my last post totally sounds like I’m being controlled!!

I've never had the same surname as my mother and my kids don't have my surname its never been an issue travelling

Thank you, this is reassuring.

"A rose by any other name" etc but anyway - a couple of friends who got married took each other's surname as a new middle name, so e.g. Mary Jones became Mary Brown Jones and Mark Brown became Mark Jones Brown, which I thought was an interesting choice.
Another couple were planning children and changed both names to a portmanteau e.g. Jones/Smith => Jonith

Like other people say, why should you be the only one to go through the inconvenience of a name change? I bet if it were a coin-toss upon marriage to decide which partner took the other's name, men would soon have a different opinion on how "romantic" it is when THEY were filling out all the forms!

men would soon have a different opinion on how "romantic" it is when THEY were filling out all the forms!

So true! It is a total faff.

@ThatOtherPoster

New DH is definitely not controlling. I’m sure there’s some weird male ego thing going on with the names, which again I don’t understand, but he’s not controlling.

Anyway, he’s said he doesn’t mind if I do what I want to do, so all good.

Nah, not controlling, just views you as male property. Much better.

Has it ever once crossed his mind to change his name to match yours?

You can have both if you use your maiden name for work and you are married. So you would be That OtherPoster aka That on your passport.

If new DH wants you to share a name so badly why not he change his name?

I'm half Australian and after 9/11 the rules were changed in Australia - the name in your passport has to match the one on your birth certificate. You can apply to change the name on your birth certificate, but there was no way I was going to do that. So since then I've gone by my maiden name.

I've made it clear to my current partner that if we ever do get married I'm still keeping my maiden name. Like you said in your last post, I don't care what any man thinks of that decision!

It’s easy to change back using your divorce documents. If going abroad take your child’s birth certificate as I believe it shows your maiden name as his mother.

Good luck! Love the idea of marking your big birthday with a return to your name and being 'you'.

As for travel with the kids, just make sure you take paperwork with you and have it to hand (birth certificate/legal name change etc)

I've often told my husband I'd revert to my maiden name rather than his if I could be arsed haha, happily married but married young before I had developed the views I have now. I won't change it as I developed my career with this name and I just genuinely can't be arsed with the palaver of it. But no put your foot down, your surname is about you, not your relationship with him.

You could double-barrel your maiden and New-DH names - but only if he agrees to do the same?

If you work using your maiden name then it makes perfect sense to use that for all of your life - not that it really matters what your DH thinks but this should save any hurt feelings.

Reverting to your birth name is easy - easier than changing it to your husband's name. You just need your birth certificate and your decree absolute and tell people you're reverting to your birth name.

I think automatically choosing to change your name on marriage will die out for large numbers of people.

@Tlollj don't presume your grandchildren will have the same name as you.

I know married couples whose children have the wives name. This is because either the name is rarer, the name will die out as they are the last relative in their family line with the name or both.

I’m in a slightly similar position, except I kept my maiden name when married to first husband. My dc’s surname therefore has always been different to mine and I have never had an issue travelling etc.

I’m now married to my second husband and he would very much like me to adopt his surname. I have partly in informal ways but passport, driving licence still maiden mainly as they haven’t had to be renewed, plus it’s a hassle.

I’m in my forties and have always been known as my maiden name, I’m quite attached to it and would continue to use it for work. I’m coming round to taking my husband’s name now for most other purposes though. I doesn’t terribly mind that I use my maiden, but he would really like me to have his. I’m absolutely sure he would be very unhappy indeed if I was using my ex husband’s surname, in fact I think that would be a real problem for him.

If I were you I would consider what your own wishes are first, that is obviously most important. But I wouldn’t entirely discount the feelings of your husband either. Whatever you do, it seems only fair that you discontinue use of your ex’s surname.

My younger son says he’d mind “a bit” if I went back to being my original name. Don’t know what older child thinks yet.

So, youngest is home and we chatted, and he said he’d like to add my maiden name to his surname, to be double-barrelled.

I love that, but it seems a big change. I suggested we could add it in as an extra middle name, but he’d rather change his surname as he thinks it sounds cool.

Would I need to get his father’s permission to do that?

Yes if he’s under 16, I believe.