Would you not have /put off having DC due to money?

[NewAgeWiccan]

I am 30 this year, and while I would like to have a child, I'm not sure if I will ever be able to due to finances.

I've never heard of anyone who has not had children due to money - from what I've seen, people tend to just do it anyway, even if it means they will struggle. But the thought of struggling terrifies me - I worry we wouldn't have enough to pay the mortgage. bills and buy food.

Has anyone not had children due to money (even though you wanted them)? I worry I will regret not having any, but maybe my maternal urges just aren't strong enough if I'm worrying about this?

With hindsight, it's fairly obvious that you should take your financial situation into account when planning to have children, but I have to admit - DH and I didn't.

We discussed having a baby when I was 26, decided we'd like to have 2 ideally and I came off my contraception. I was in a secure job with decent maternity benefits and my DM offered to have the child/ren for 2 days a week, so I could go back to work afterwards 3 days per week and only have to pay for one day of Nursery - but that was the extent of our "Financial Planning", in terms of having children.

When DD1 got to a year old, we decided to try for DD2, but again, didn't really think about the cost implication. I got pregnant straight away and was made redundant at 7 months pregnant - which actually worked out really well, as I had about 18 months' salary as a tax-free lump-sum and managed to eke it out so that I was able to stay home with the children for the next 2.5 years.

I wouldn't recommend our laisse-faire attitude towards finances, but perhaps there is some middle ground between this and the 'down to the last penny' calculations some PP's have used. It's all worked out ok for us; our household income is probably about average these days, but even if you do organise your finances in advance, there are some things you can never plan for. Unfortunately, I became very unwell 8 years ago and am now unable to work, so receive PIP and UC. Our DDs are 12 & 13 now, if we had waited until we were "financially ready" to have children, I would have been too ill to sustain a pregnancy and my ill-health would have precluded us from adopting, so we would have been childless, so I'm really, really happy we just went for it when we did!

Well, childcare is expensive but it’s only for a couple of years. There’s a lot of angsting here. I would never have not had a child because of money. I mean yes okay if I lived in the third world possibly!

What salary are you on? You don’t need the amount of money that mn think you need to raise a child. Children don’t need to be spoilt.

Not at 30 I wouldnt, no.
I'm nearly 36. Ive watched in the last couple of years in my friendship group as the pregnancies have got more complicated, the miscarriages more common. Lots of friends my age are trying for babies and finding it's not happening fast. A couple of friends in later 30s it hasnt happened at all. One went for testing at 39 to be told her eggs were past it. Another is on round 4 of IVF having easily conceived a few years ago.It took me longer to fall pregnant at 31 than I expected. I then had three miscarriages, followed by an incredibly stressful severe IUGR pregnancy at 34.

People on here will wax lyrical about their friend who had her first at 42 etc but those are the lucky exceptions.

There's never a perfect time.

This thread seems to think children are a privilege only for the wealthy... Mumsnet really can highlight some people's horrible views, can't it?

@skirk64

Don't have a child if you can't afford it. They are hideously expensive and you will be paying for them for the next twenty to thirty years.

Unless you're anything like my mum who just threw us out at eighteen. ie, when she stopped receiving benefits for us. We grew up in poverty. People seem to see having children as some kind of God given right which I don't agree with. But no, I don't believe it's right to have them if you know you can't afford it.

We have a lot of posts from people on MN who were struggling to make ends meet on 2 salaries and are now at their wits ends trying to work out how they will pay for childcare out of the no money they have left.
Normally someone says "why did you have a child you couldn't afford?" which clearly is not helpful after the child has been born, but does highlight that parents should consider how they will afford a child. If the answer is that they can afford a child if they buy secondhand and don't go on holidays but they are happy to make that choice - that's one type of decision. Having no spare money pre-children and just hoping that it will work out is the sort of decision that normally invokes the MN judgement.

I think we waited until we were in a stable position- married, both in employment, mortgage etc because we just couldn’t imagine how we would do it without all these things sorted. We also had only two children partially because we felt that is what we could afford. This was all a long time ago now but I wouldn’t change how we did it. What I would say though is don’t wait for things to be perfect - they never will be

We are only having one child due in part to finances. We can’t afford childcare for 2 and are too old to delay.

We do have secure employment, house etc and had saved for mat leave but our outgoings can’t support 2 children.

If we were desperate for a second we would probably be trying harder though. But we aren’t.

@SylviaPlath1984

This thread seems to think children are a privilege only for the wealthy... Mumsnet really can highlight some people's horrible views, can't it?

But surely it’s actually really about making sure that the children have a stable beginning isn’t it? I’ve always thought that having and bringing up my children WAS a privilege and I wanted to ensure that i did my best by them.

Stability is more than finances, though.

Someone on minimum wage or even benefits might well have more money than two middle income people when childcare costs etc have been worked out.

@Holly60

We all want to do right by our kids, but that doesn't necessarily mean giving them the absolute best of everything, does it? There's a difference between being sensible and not bringing a child into a situation that involves poverty or abuse, but not having much money and having to go without or make sacrifices is still ok in my book, why should people with high paying jobs and big mortgages be the only ones who are allowed the joy of raising children? What's next, mandatory sterilisation for anyone earning below £25k a year? It's a dangerous view to hold and a slippery slope once you start dictating people's right to have children.

@ SylviaPlath1984 Absolutely! And if people need to use child benefit to top up their wages, that's fine. If we live in a country where the minimum wage does not provide enough income to raise two children, then that's the country's fault, not the individual's.

Having said that, I was raised on a single income (only one parent could contribute) at less than the minimum wage at the time, and still was not deprived for basic needs - healthy food, sufficient heat, second hand clothes. far more important than quantity of money is love, care, stability, and good management of what money there is.

Your post sounds very dramatic. If you think you wouldn't be able to afford food then in reality you can't afford a child however if the addition of one person to your family would push you into poverty then you must already be close to the breadline. Otherwise all a baby needs is the basics and a lot of them can be bought second hand or if you have friends and family, certain things may be gifted to you. Kids don't need to do 7 activities or extracurricular a week, they don't need expensive clothes or to go to private school. It is all relative, you just spend what you can afford. If you wait till you have a mortgage free home kids will probably be out if your reach by then. Childcare is expensive but you cut your cloth accordingly and if that means a larger age gap then you would like so be it.

[quote SylviaPlath1984]@Holly60

We all want to do right by our kids, but that doesn't necessarily mean giving them the absolute best of everything, does it? There's a difference between being sensible and not bringing a child into a situation that involves poverty or abuse, but not having much money and having to go without or make sacrifices is still ok in my book, why should people with high paying jobs and big mortgages be the only ones who are allowed the joy of raising children? What's next, mandatory sterilisation for anyone earning below £25k a year? It's a dangerous view to hold and a slippery slope once you start dictating people's right to have children. [/quote]
Not at all I don’t think you need to be wealthy to provide a stable beginning for children. If you can provide secure, safe housing, consistent access to education until at least 18, access to enough food and parents/a parent with enough time and energy to provide consistent nurturing and love then I think that is probably the gold standard really. If you look at your situation and don’t believe you can do this, or that you might not be able to do it for more than 1 or 2 children, then you cut your cloth accordingly.

I very determinedly didn't have children until I had a secure home and income to support them and the time to care for them.

That was a lesson I learned in childhood, at the sharp end.

I put it off until DH got a better job and we could afford to get a mortgage. As soon as we did that, we started our fertility treatment. I knew that would be a lengthy process so it give us time to save.

Less than 2 years, DS being born and a surprise natural conception later... I'm a student nurse.

Financially I'm okay, but it's been better. I don't have an option for maternity leave this time. Obviously I didn't plan this baby, but being in a different financial situation didn't make me reconsider keeping him.

But that said, we are not on the bones of our arse. We aren't well off, but we can cope.

But surely it’s actually really about making sure that the children have a stable beginning isn’t it?

Children born into council houses or have parents with lower incomes/disposable income can have plenty of stability. I think some are confusing stability with provisions, and the ability to give children extra (tutors, schooling, extra curricular, travelling, financial help in future, etc). Stability is absolutely necessary, extras are just privilege.

It depends what your desired lifestyle is and other factors in your life. That will vary person to person. I'd rather cut back and have a less affluent lifestyle and have DC than a bigger property, more holidays, nicer car etc, but not everyone feels that way.

I do think it's a bit silly for someone to have children knowing that they can't afford their current outgoings or without thinking about the long term costs.

We have one child because we can afford to raise and educate one child in the manner we deem most appropriate (we live in America and university is expensive)

Having a child before we could actually afford one was never a consideration for us. Of course I did have the luxury of knowing that if I waited it was likely that affording a child was in my future.

It would be a shame to look back on your life in 30 years times and feel sad they you never had the baby you wanted to have because of worries about finances.
People have babies and they manage. Some times are tough and sometimes are more prosperous. It's likely you will face both during the first 18 years of a child's life.

@BrumBoo

But surely it’s actually really about making sure that the children have a stable beginning isn’t it?

Children born into council houses or have parents with lower incomes/disposable income can have plenty of stability. I think some are confusing stability with provisions, and the ability to give children extra (tutors, schooling, extra curricular, travelling, financial help in future, etc). Stability is absolutely necessary, extras are just privilege.

Please forgive my ignorance as I don’t know a huge amount about social housing and how it works, but is it the case then that once a family has been put into a property then they will not be moved? What about if you have more children - do you automatically get moved to a bigger house in the same area so that schooling isn’t interrupted? What about home improvements or garden design- are you allowed to do that? And finally, what happens when the children get to 18 or move out - does this affect housing provision? (My children have continued to ‘come home’ at various points during their adult lives for different reasons and it would have been awful if we hadn’t had room for them). These were all concerns for us and were reasons we wanted to buy a house before we had children.

However of course if parents can provide stability as I’ve outlined above then it doesn’t matter how they do it!

@mummywithhermini

It would be a shame to look back on your life in 30 years times and feel sad they you never had the baby you wanted to have because of worries about finances. People have babies and they manage. Some times are tough and sometimes are more prosperous. It's likely you will face both during the first 18 years of a child's life.

You don't need to spend an absolute fortune to have a baby. They don't need a huge amount of stuff. You can find cheap or free second hand baby gear / clothes online. If you are seriously stuck for a away to entertain the baby just take her to chase pigeons in her buggy in the local park formula and nappies are not as expensive as some people make out.

You need to work out the finances quite carefully.

Any benefits you’d be due if youre low income. What is the work impacts, can you afford child care, what would you do if the child had disabilities that meant one of you needed to stop work completely.

Yes people do just have kids and muddle on. Approx 4 million children live in poverty in the Uk, which is about thirty percent of them. Clearly some will have fallen into poverty, others unplanned, some deliberate, a whole host of reasons. But planning to bring a child into poverty is not a good idea, unless you can see a way out of it. Love, sadly, is not enough.

Yes we waited until we were 35 & 39 before we had dc1 as we couldn’t possibly have made the finances work. I’m not talking about being well off but we couldn’t have afforded nursery and we couldn’t have afforded either of us to give up work either.

We had Dd as soon as we were in a position to afford childcare (and only just, really scraping by).

We then waited 4 years before having ds as we could never have afforded 2 lots of childcare, so waited until Dd was starting school.

So essentially we tried to find a balance. We waited until it was possible financially but we were still cutting it fine and have struggled a bit.