Would you not have /put off having DC due to money?

[NewAgeWiccan]

I am 30 this year, and while I would like to have a child, I'm not sure if I will ever be able to due to finances.

I've never heard of anyone who has not had children due to money - from what I've seen, people tend to just do it anyway, even if it means they will struggle. But the thought of struggling terrifies me - I worry we wouldn't have enough to pay the mortgage. bills and buy food.

Has anyone not had children due to money (even though you wanted them)? I worry I will regret not having any, but maybe my maternal urges just aren't strong enough if I'm worrying about this?

I think it’s sensible to wait until you can afford it. Too many parents don’t think about these things and then are literally living hand to mouth. While yes money is no substitute for love, a childhood without the security of being able to pick up and eat fruit everyday without getting told off / a house you don’t have to move out of every 6 mths / a garden to play in / being able to take part in afterschool activities or learn new things can be awful too.

Bearing in mind that it now costs circa £230,000 to raise a child to the age of 18 in the uk, I think anyone who doesn’t appreciate this would be foolish to embark on the path of parenthood.

We delayed TTC to get finances under control and mean we could be less stressed about unexpected costs.

@HelloMrBond

Bearing in mind that it now costs circa £230,000 to raise a child to the age of 18 in the uk, I think anyone who doesn’t appreciate this would be foolish to embark on the path of parenthood.

So about £13,000 a year, or £6,500 per parent.

Do you get benefits? Check if you qualify.

Could you retrain your get a higher paying job?

All parents who earn under £50k get child benefit of about £80 a month- would that help you?

Many people only have 1 DC for this reason. Start costing it up: could you live on just one salary? could you have savings from that salary? Could you borrow or be given a cot, Moses basket, steriliser, pram? Could you afford enough formula milk and nappies?

If you’re stony broke I wouldn’t do it, I’m sorry OP. Growing up in severe poverty is awful for a child and you’d feel so guilty.

There are loads of ways you can do it cheaper- if you have family you trust to provide childcare while you work, if you can be given your baby stuff like cot and clothes, if you’re happy to have hand me down clothes and go to the park and local walks for your family days out. When Covid ends libraries will resume free baby sing a long sessions and lots of churches run baby groups. But it is expensive just to feed and clothe them.

The best thing you and DP can do is try and cut out any expenses: pay off debt, only have 1 or no cars, don’t smoke or drink and try and get better jobs. And do check if you’re entitled to universal credit. Most low paid people are, and it’s there to support you, so do take it if you’re eligible.

I think you need some sort of plan yes. But by far the biggest cost is childcare many people keep costs down by relying on family.
For us this wasn't an option so we saved enough for a year's maternity leave and first couple of months childcare.

We could have afforded one- just- when I was late twenties, but I wanted to make sure we would be comfortable, and that we had the space. We sold our two bed flat and moved into a detached four bed house last March, and suddenly I could envisage children living with us. We’d also had pay rises and I’d moved jobs, so we were saving more each month than we’d spend on childcare. That was when I gave the green light to my (very keen for children) husband and we started trying.

I’m now 25 weeks pregnant. I’m 33, which is maybe a teeny bit later than I’d have planned, but comfortably in our window. I honestly wouldn’t have felt happy doing it without the house space and enough spare funds.

So to sum up, yes, we waited until circumstances and funds were right, and I have no regrets.

There's no such thing as a permanent job these days

Sure, but there's a difference between having marketable jobs skills (so you're likely to have a good chance of getting another job) and having limited work experience or skills.

Choosing to have a child without a job, or the skills to get one, or some other way of financially supporting yourself IMO is a reckless decision.

Lots of people here talking about trips to parks and feeding ducks. That's fine when they are little.

Not so when they are teens and need a phone and a laptop for school work and you are paying adults prices for their clothes. School shoes/football boots/trainers for teenage boys are £££

I’m surprised you say no one seems to do this.

Pretty much everyone I know has only had children when they can afford them. If they want children and can’t afford them they work towards being able to afford them whether that means training, changing jobs, relocating .. whatever. Isn’t that kind of what you do?

We did. We saved for 4 years then had our first child at 29.

Children aren't a luxury that only the wealthy should have.

You're 30 - spend a year saving up (for mat leave) and then go for it, you'll regret it if you waste your fertile years.

Yes. That is exactly what we did do!

We weren't solvent in our 20s. Made decisions to get an edcuation in our 30s. Spent our 40s living a pleasant life, saving for a hour. Now in our 50s saving for retirement.

We started with nothing. Come from families with nothing. All working class, low paid jobs and both experienced hard times, some very hard, during our childhoods.

So we didn't have kids. And don't regret it. We were never in the right place to be able to give a child a better life than we started off with!

No. We didn't and I'm so glad we didn't. When our first baby was born we were so so poor. It was really hard. He was just little though and doesn't remember it. 10 years down the line and our financial situation has massively improved but it wouldn't be possible to conceive now (we've tried, not possible) so if we'd waited for our finances to be more secure we wouldn't have our children. The only downside is that when DC2 was born 2.5 years after DC1, we already had more money and we were able to do more for her (baby classes, nice clothes etc) than we did for DC1 which does make me feel a bit guilty but, as I said, it's not something DC1 is even aware of. In summary! Your finances are flexible and can catch up, your fertility? not so much...

Saving for an hour? house you plonker!

I should've added - if you were 25 I'd say wait a few years till you've saved up a buffer.

We also overpaid mortgage so we could afford just to pay interest only if needed. It paid off as dh was made redundant when I was 6 months pregnant.

You never get a varied point of view on MN about this subject. The general demographic is educated women who married men with high career prospects, who's financial priorities and what is considered 'necessary' is not what many outside the forum would consider the absolute baseline before considering children. Which of course is their individual perogative, but it does then tend to bring out a judgmental tone against anyone who does things differently.

For a bit of balance, we did have a child before we were in the 'best position to do so'. I won't deny, it wasn't sensible. However we did use it to give ourselves a kick up the bum in terms of pushing harder and making big sacrifices in the early years. We're still far from well off, and unfortunately I was made redundant. We couldn't afford childcare so husband retrained into a job with much better pay prospects and I've been a SAHM - we'll carry on this way until the children only need wrap around care. We have cheap housing, live in an ok area, house is small but again we can absolute make do for the next few years. We've never been ones to travel so factoring in holidays with tiny children was never appealing. Obviously when they get older, they will need bigger and more expensive things but all going well husband will be earning quite well (not the 80k+ standard of MN, but certainly more than livable), and I plan to be back in work or even train in a new career path within the next 3 years. We just joke that we play life on hard mode, makes things interesting at times but the children have never been without essentials.

@HavelockVetinari

Children aren't a luxury that only the wealthy should have.

You're 30 - spend a year saving up (for mat leave) and then go for it, you'll regret it if you waste your fertile years.

No of course not, but you do need to be able to afford housing, bills, clothes, food, toys etc. It would be irresponsible to choose to bring a baby into the world whilst not being able to provide those basic things for them.

We waited possibly too long. By the time we had achieved the level of security we felt we needed (got married, saved deposit, bought house, got promoted in our jobs etc), fertility was a struggle. Eventually, we had one IVF baby but I wish we'd started earlier so we could have had a bigger family. But then if we had, I'd probably feel we should have waited. The tricky thing is that you can never see round the corner!

Op hasn’t said what her circumstances are.

I’m in the camp of wait till it is more financially manageable and so are most my friends. But I met most of my friends at University, we all had dc mid thirties and two had second dc at 40. I am still friends with a couple of girls I went to school with they had dc much younger but didn’t go in it higher education.

Depending on what kind of peer group people mix with will change the answer.

I grew up not well off as had a lot of siblings, very hard working immigrant family. My Dad ran the first Chinese restaurant in a small market town. I spent my babyhood in a wicker laundry basket full of dirty table clothes as a playpen as my Mother was also working. My Mum had six children and never paid for childcare. I was caring for my younger sister from the age of 7. I doubt it’s acceptable these days!

They were hard working people but just too many kids. I was in a church choir so it was free and I did take karate and ballet lessons. I earned money to pay for my lessons myself.

Almost everyone I know saved significantly prior to having children as they knew that earning potential was high, and costs lower.

This is 100% completely normal.

Like deciding where to live, what car to own, holietc.

Having a child is the single biggest financial commitment you can make so of course you work out when and how to afford it, using a spreadsheet for projected costs and income.

If it is too tight then work out how to reduce costs, move normally. Or increase income.

Do you have a partner? Do you have a job? Can you improve your circumstances?

@BrumBoo

You never get a varied point of view on MN about this subject. The general demographic is educated women who married men with high career prospects, who's financial priorities and what is considered 'necessary' is not what many outside the forum would consider the absolute baseline before considering children. Which of course is their individual perogative, but it does then tend to bring out a judgmental tone against anyone who does things differently.

For a bit of balance, we did have a child before we were in the 'best position to do so'. I won't deny, it wasn't sensible. However we did use it to give ourselves a kick up the bum in terms of pushing harder and making big sacrifices in the early years. We're still far from well off, and unfortunately I was made redundant. We couldn't afford childcare so husband retrained into a job with much better pay prospects and I've been a SAHM - we'll carry on this way until the children only need wrap around care. We have cheap housing, live in an ok area, house is small but again we can absolute make do for the next few years. We've never been ones to travel so factoring in holidays with tiny children was never appealing. Obviously when they get older, they will need bigger and more expensive things but all going well husband will be earning quite well (not the 80k+ standard of MN, but certainly more than livable), and I plan to be back in work or even train in a new career path within the next 3 years. We just joke that we play life on hard mode, makes things interesting at times but the children have never been without essentials.

Counterpoint:

Husband is on £21,000 FT wage
I am now on £60,000 but was £30,000 6 yrs ago when we had DD

Neither of us have a university education.
We saved and made sure we had a house with an affordable mortgage and enough income to cover household bills, food etc and childcare before we had DD.

@grafittiartist

Does anyone ever feel ready though? Financially/ emotionally etc!!

We didn’t feel ready but there was no amount of money that would have made us feel that way, so we went ahead.

We look back now at the amount of income we had at the time (combined, less than one of our current salaries) and wonder how we did it!