Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you not have /put off having DC due to money?

144 replies

NewAgeWiccan · 24/03/2021 07:58

I am 30 this year, and while I would like to have a child, I'm not sure if I will ever be able to due to finances.

I've never heard of anyone who has not had children due to money - from what I've seen, people tend to just do it anyway, even if it means they will struggle. But the thought of struggling terrifies me - I worry we wouldn't have enough to pay the mortgage. bills and buy food.

Has anyone not had children due to money (even though you wanted them)? I worry I will regret not having any, but maybe my maternal urges just aren't strong enough if I'm worrying about this?

OP posts:
FizzyPink · 24/03/2021 10:46

100% we are putting off a child until we are more comfortable. I’m 30 this year so it does worry me slightly but until we own our own home and have enough in savings for me to take a long maternity leave and be comfortable we won’t even consider it.
The other consideration is my career. I don’t currently have the type of job that I could easily leave for a year and come back to so I will also be waiting for a promotion to the next level before I consider getting pregnant.

It utterly baffles me the amount of posts on here asking what benefits can be claimed because their husband only makes £20k and they didn’t realise how tight it would be having a baby. How did you not think about that before getting pregnant?!

Flowers24 · 24/03/2021 10:49

Must admit we never really thought that much about finances, married, got a house and had no,1 2 years later in mid 20's. Everything was planned out then i was made redundant when no.1 was 2 months old, so you cannot plan for everything.

You will manage , people do dont over think it!

FizzyPink · 24/03/2021 10:51

Sorry just to caveat that, we are currently very comfortable and could easily afford a child right now. But while we’re paying £1,000 a month in rent for a 1 bedroom flat and saving to buy a house, it just doesn’t make financial sense to bring a child into the world.
I’d much much rather wait a few more years until we own a house of our own, have lots more space and don’t have to worry about money being tight if I wanted to take an extra couple of months maternity leave for example.
Plus nursery is expensive and there’s no way I’ll be giving up my career because working doesn’t leave anything leftover

Babyroobs · 24/03/2021 10:58

I have to admit we had children not in the best financial situation. I didn't think about it but I was 30 so didn't want to leave it any longer really. We then went on to have 4 kids which we probably couldn't really afford at the time, there were times when I laid awake at night worrying about paying the mortgage. We had everything second hand - sofas, microwave, kids clothes, pushchairs. people these days seem to want the best of everything brand new. My kids are more or less grown up now and I have a friend with a new baby and they have top of the range of everything- every sensory toy going, baby sensory glasses where baby put his feet in jelly and spaghetti, baby swim lessons etc. If I had tried to give my babies all this, well we could never have afforded it but we lived a much simpler cheaper life and they have all survived and grown into intelligent, happy young people. Their Christmas presents often came form charity shops etc but they only have great memories. We didn't pay much in childcare because we worked around each other and didn't need it. I guess what I'm saying is that loads of expenses that people think are essential for kids really aren't, there are ways around it.

Babyroobs · 24/03/2021 10:59

@Babyroobs

I have to admit we had children not in the best financial situation. I didn't think about it but I was 30 so didn't want to leave it any longer really. We then went on to have 4 kids which we probably couldn't really afford at the time, there were times when I laid awake at night worrying about paying the mortgage. We had everything second hand - sofas, microwave, kids clothes, pushchairs. people these days seem to want the best of everything brand new. My kids are more or less grown up now and I have a friend with a new baby and they have top of the range of everything- every sensory toy going, baby sensory glasses where baby put his feet in jelly and spaghetti, baby swim lessons etc. If I had tried to give my babies all this, well we could never have afforded it but we lived a much simpler cheaper life and they have all survived and grown into intelligent, happy young people. Their Christmas presents often came form charity shops etc but they only have great memories. We didn't pay much in childcare because we worked around each other and didn't need it. I guess what I'm saying is that loads of expenses that people think are essential for kids really aren't, there are ways around it.
Sorry that should say baby sensory classes not glasses !
MatildaTheCat · 24/03/2021 11:03

We couldn’t afford nursery fees when we had our DC so I worked around DH for most of my hours and only had to pay for 8 hours a week. I worked nights and weekends and evenings so it did greatly reduce the amount of time we had as a family. Completely worth it.

Babymamaroon · 24/03/2021 11:04

Yes as I wouldn't have a child I would struggle to pay for.

FeistySheep · 24/03/2021 11:23

It really depends on what you mean by unable to afford it. Have you worked out a proper budget? Having done that, could you afford to have a child where you use reusable nappies, second hand clothes/hand-me-downs, no foreign holidays, healthy food etc. If you can provide basic needs, then I would go for it within the next couple of years. At 30 you have time, but you don't know if you'll hit fertility problems.

I grew up in 'poverty' as defined by the government. However, I do not actually think this was poverty. My parents managed money well, fed us healthy, cheap, home-cooked food, and we always had shoes and clothes. Heating in the house was scarce, and we relied on extra layers and hot water bottles, but were never too cold. We got a sweet treat once a week. We got hand-me-down clothes and sometimes second hand shop stuff. We never had games consoles etc. We had board games and outdoor toys like balls and hula hoops. We went on walking and camping holidays in the UK, or stayed with relatives etc.

I had an amazing childhood despite being in 'poverty', and I defy anyone who says 'I wouldn't raise a child in poverty' to tell me that I would have been better off if my parents had decided not to have me at all.

Money management is crucial, and many people wouldn't have the discipline to manage on so little. If you and your partner do, and you don't want to risk not being able to have kids, go for it.

On the flip side, if you can make say a two year plan, with a realistic chance of increasing income or decreasing mortgage costs, maybe do that first. It would make life easier to have just a bit of spare cash.

BrumBoo · 24/03/2021 11:51

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo that's not really a counter to my counter though. You still were a higher earner than average and the type of person who obviously planned first before having a child. It's not exactly representative of the 'do now, sort later' approach that many others take.

Most people I know had children quite young (anywhere between late teens and late 20s at most). I only know two women who got married, this was after they had a baby with the boyfriend. One of those couples were very young, and similarly had a baby then did the whole get a better job/home/marriage thing. Every other family I know is either unmarried (unless religious) or single parent, rented homes, little disposable income. Don't know one child of any of these families that I'd think was having a bad or unfulfilled childhood from these circumstances. Just different. Planning is great, definitely the sensible approach for one of the most expensive choices you can make. It can be absolutely fine if you 'just go for it' as well, things can work themselves out. Some people will never see an income more than 20k a year, or come close to owning a home, should they never consider children

Number16 · 24/03/2021 11:55

I think there is a difference between not being able to offer a stable home and decent (rather than absolute basic) quality of life, versus a personal preference over the lifestyle you aspire to. That varies by individual depending on personal beliefs: private vs state education, owning vs renting own home, children having own bedroom vs sharing and so on.

Almost everyone will need to accept a compromise on lifestyle after children, unless you're very affluent. If you have a secure home, relatively stable earning potential or income, and the emotional and mental resources to support a child's development and education, that is what's key. But these things can change after children anyway due to factors outside your control (disability, redundancy) and children still grow up thriving, so its a balance.

On a personal level being able to afford childcare so that both my partner and I could continue working was very important when planning our family, as neither me nor DH wanted to be SAHP.

Not being able to afford every extra curricular activity under the sun, foreign holidays, a car, brand new clothes, private education don't factor for me. They're nice to have, but not essential.

Geraldinethegiraffe · 24/03/2021 12:02

I agree with posters saying it is sensible to wait until you can afford it. I would have had another child if it were more affordable.
Having a child is (wonderful but) stressful enough before you factor in money worries. It’s sad when you feel pressured going back to work early or find yourself cutting corners on childcare and have no slack in your finances to spend on yourself. I decided I would prefer to have more time and money to spend on my existing family than out even more pressure on myself and DP

RUOKHon · 24/03/2021 12:04

We put off having DC2 by a year because of finances. At 30, you have a few more years to get secure. I had my first DC at 33.

MinnieMous3 · 24/03/2021 12:07

I don’t really get what people mean when they say ‘afford’ a child. Afford what? Other than the initial expenditure on cot/pram/clothes etc, I don’t really understand what it is that’s so expensive - education and healthcare are free, you can buy second hand clothes cheaply, food will always cost a bit more but not heaps unless you have 7 kids or live off smoked salmon.

Racoonworld · 24/03/2021 12:10

@MinnieMous3 unless you gave the luxury of being able to be a Sahm then childcare is hugely expensive. Then there’s saving up for mat leave unless you only want 6 weeks off. We also wanted to have enough money for extras like day trips and the odd holiday, as well as being able to save a bit for our children’s futures.

Flowers24 · 24/03/2021 12:10

I guess afford to give up work or go.part time ?

daffodilsandprimroses · 24/03/2021 12:12

I think it tends to be the stopping work, but that’s temporary.

Flowers24 · 24/03/2021 12:17

Thinking back we saved so I could have 6 months leave but apart from that nothing else. As it was I did another job and it all worked out fine.
I'd say finances dictate if your house isn't big enough so you'd have to move , or if you definitely want to.go.part time or give up work , need to think about that and childcare

Dishwashersaurous · 24/03/2021 12:23

Assuming that two people are working full time. There has to be a reduction in earning for a while, even if just a few months.

Then there is either the reduction in income of being part time or the cost of childcare.

Everything else is a marginal cost

HikeForward · 24/03/2021 12:23

We waited until we were financially secure, able to afford a decent size home near good schools etc. We wanted savings to fall back on and some disposable income. Imagine needing a gynae procedure to fix some birth damage problem and relying on the NHS waiting lists because you have no spare to go private.

Children are expensive, right from newborns.
From baby classes, nappies, clothes, nursery fees (if you decide to keep your job), then school costs, gadgets, technology, books, supporting them through uni or onto the property ladder etc. Oh and school trips, I wouldn’t want to tell my DC they can’t go on a trip because I can’t afford it.

I hear so many people complaining they can’t afford to feed their children without FSM, or UC and child benefit and tax credits aren’t enough to raise a child on. And it makes me think well why did you decide to have 3 so young, without savings or a secure income?

I understand people’s situations can change, eg you’re financially in a good place when you start a family then things change due to illness or bereavement or divorce. But I don’t understand why people have multiple children without the means to support them first.

jimmyjammy001 · 24/03/2021 12:24

I don't blame you for not wanting one due to financial reasons, you only had to look at itv news the other day to see mum's with their kids living in dangerous flats with mold and water leaks because they haven't got a family home that they own and need to rely on the council to provide a home for them. Noone would like to live like that. I would definitely make sure we were financially comfortable before having kids and could provide a normal life style for them.

Sillyduckseverywhere · 24/03/2021 12:29

Just do it. I waited and it's too late.
Ignore other people's opinions. It's your life, not theirs.
If everyone waited for the perfect moment no one would do anything.
I am full of regret.
Life is short. Just do it.

SlovenlyUnwedMother · 24/03/2021 12:29

I'm your age and pregnant with my first baby. We decided to try knowing we will be less well off and probably won't be able to afford luxuries like holidays for a couple of years. Our main priority was buying a house together. I would have put things off longer if we weren't doing that, for space reasons and my own financial security (we're not married and were living in a house DP solely owned before).

We'll still be able to afford our mortgage, bills, food and clothing etc but yeah, we'll have to cut back on our current lifestyle to cover my maternity leave and early childcare. I think finances will factor in more heavily when it comes to having our second child because at the moment it wouldn't be realistic to pay for childcare for two.

I would say, I think most of our generation will be waiting for a very long time if they put having kids off until they're financially comfortable enough to maintain their childless lifestyle. Mumsnet will have you think everyone has loads of savings and well paid jobs before starting a family but that's not realistic for the average millennial.

CustardyCreams · 24/03/2021 12:33

I would not want the stress of poverty and motherhood, not if I had a choice. If you fall on hard times after having kids, well that’s one thing, but to deliberately have kids you can’t afford.... no.

BrumBoo · 24/03/2021 12:34

@jimmyjammy001

I don't blame you for not wanting one due to financial reasons, you only had to look at itv news the other day to see mum's with their kids living in dangerous flats with mold and water leaks because they haven't got a family home that they own and need to rely on the council to provide a home for them. Noone would like to live like that. I would definitely make sure we were financially comfortable before having kids and could provide a normal life style for them.
Those stories are in the news for being an extreme situation. My grandparents council house was and still is one of the loveliest houses I've ever been in. Three bed, two toilets, two receptions with a decent kitchen. Never a leak or sign of damp. Local council kept all their houses in excellent condition. Many people can't get a new build starter home like that.

On the flipside, we lived in freezing hell for a few years in my mother's mortgaged home as the boiler went and she couldn't afford to fix it. At least the council would have got around to it , eventually.

MrsJBaptiste · 24/03/2021 12:37

@Flowers24

Must admit we never really thought that much about finances, married, got a house and had no,1 2 years later in mid 20's. Everything was planned out then i was made redundant when no.1 was 2 months old, so you cannot plan for everything.

You will manage , people do dont over think it!

I absolutely agree with this.

We knew we'd have to cut back but would manage - in reality we didn't cut back that much as your lifestyle changes when you have children and the money spent on going out can be spent on other things!

Most people I know had children because they were late 20's, in a stable relationship and felt ready. Unless you're in dire circumstances, you manage!

However, most people I know didn't use paid childcare so that makes a difference I imagine.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.